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Original poster

Colleagues spoke about me on Teams call thinking I wasn’t there - do I say anything

381 replies

AndreaGreen · 10/04/2025 16:30

I had a video call with two colleagues earlier, from a different area of the business and who I hadn’t met before. They were from the same team so knew each other, and our call was to discuss a project coming up involving the department I’m in.

I had a shitty nights sleep with my DD and to be honest wasn’t 100% with it on the call, I was a bit slow on articulating myself a couple of times and muddled through one answer in particular.

My doorbell went about 5 minutes from the end for a delivery I was expecting, I said I was just going to get it and muted myself/turned camera off as I would usually. As I got up my DH (on his lunch break) shouted up that he’d answer it.

I went to sit back down and obviously the two colleagues were still on the screen. I heard one of them mutter something about the call being hard work. The other one then made a comment about my appearance, which was basically that ‘it’s a good job she’s a looker as I don’t think any man would be with her for her brains’ and the other one laughed. They were then quiet clearly waiting for me to return.

I felt upset at this point so gave it a minute and typed in the chat that something had come up and I couldn’t rejoin, and that any other questions they could put in the chat to me.

I cried my eyes out afterwards, I feel stressed enough as it is and this has really hit my confidence. DH thinks I should report them but the call wasn’t recorded and it would be my word against theirs.

Do you think I’m overreacting or would you look to report this?

OP posts:
Meanttobeworking · 10/04/2025 17:10

Tbh I would have just turned my mike back on and told them I heard them and left it at that.

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 10/04/2025 17:11

Hi xxx and xxx,

Thanks for your time today.
Apologies for leaving the meeting so abruptly but I felt uncomfortable after hearing the personal remarks you made about my appearance.

Regards,

xxxxx

If you choose to cc their managers in, that’s up to you.

pusspuss9 · 10/04/2025 17:13

They didn't intend you to hear this. In the days long ago, when we could pass comments to each other without being hauled before the thought police, we often commented about other people.
If I have misundstood this and they knew their comments were likely to be heard by others, then that's a different matter.

Meanttobeworking · 10/04/2025 17:14

ThatNimblePeer · 10/04/2025 17:09

My main thought on this is that it’s hilarious they would feel entitled to criticise anyone else’s perceived lack of intelligence. How dumb do you have to be to talk smack about a colleague on an actual live work call? As we all know, muting and camera off does not automatically imply that someone is not at their desk.

In terms of your feelings, I’d take the compliment on your looks to heart and dismiss the rest. But if you want an apology I certainly think you’d be entitled to ask for one.

Unfortunately the comment on her looks is just part and parcel of the misogyny.

Shirkingly · 10/04/2025 17:17

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 10/04/2025 17:11

Hi xxx and xxx,

Thanks for your time today.
Apologies for leaving the meeting so abruptly but I felt uncomfortable after hearing the personal remarks you made about my appearance.

Regards,

xxxxx

If you choose to cc their managers in, that’s up to you.

They complimented her appearance! It was her brains they were less impressed by, not knowing she had had a sleepless night.

If I were going to contact them, I would take the initiative and say ‘Hi X and Y, Apologies that I wasn’t at the best on our call. I’d had a sleepless night. Just to reiterate [whatever it was you muddled through]. Let’s take it up next time.’

Meanttobeworking · 10/04/2025 17:19

Shirkingly · 10/04/2025 17:17

They complimented her appearance! It was her brains they were less impressed by, not knowing she had had a sleepless night.

If I were going to contact them, I would take the initiative and say ‘Hi X and Y, Apologies that I wasn’t at the best on our call. I’d had a sleepless night. Just to reiterate [whatever it was you muddled through]. Let’s take it up next time.’

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They insult her and she should apologise to them? Bad plan.

Meanttobeworking · 10/04/2025 17:19

(Double post for some reason)

MellowPinkDeer · 10/04/2025 17:20

Tbh I wouldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t let them know they’d upset me and I certainly wouldn’t be running to managers over one personal remark. You said yourself you weren’t your best in the call today so just learn from it and move on from it, make sure you’re more in the zone for calls going forwards.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/04/2025 17:23

They complimented her appearance! It was her brains they were less impressed by, not knowing she had had a sleepless night.

They had no right commenting on her appearance at all, complimentary or otherwise. And if they had genuine concerns about her capability there are ways to voice that professionally and in a way that allows her a right of reply. Your bar for what passes as acceptable is pretty low.

Allwelcone · 10/04/2025 17:23

Do you have a female senior you could run it past? HR?

LlynTegid · 10/04/2025 17:25

You should complain. Your appearance should not be commented on.

SoSoLong · 10/04/2025 17:27

Talk to your line manager. Those kind of comments are not acceptable.

bugalugs45 · 10/04/2025 17:27

I wouldn’t report it but I’d deffo make them aware that I heard them , having said that how closely are you going to be working with them , as you’ve very much got off on the wrong foot now and could make things very awkward going forward if you’re going to need to be in regular contact !

Lindolander · 10/04/2025 17:27

Let them both know you heard and that you're considering your next step.
If you decide not to take it higher, at least you'll make them sweat and maybe they won't be so bitchy in future.

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 10/04/2025 17:30

Shirkingly · 10/04/2025 17:17

They complimented her appearance! It was her brains they were less impressed by, not knowing she had had a sleepless night.

If I were going to contact them, I would take the initiative and say ‘Hi X and Y, Apologies that I wasn’t at the best on our call. I’d had a sleepless night. Just to reiterate [whatever it was you muddled through]. Let’s take it up next time.’

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Doesn’t matter if they complimented her appearance. They still commented on it, totally unacceptable.

I find there is no point going over stuff chapter and verse in this situation.

OP knows what they said, They know she knows. Ball's in their court.

And they’ll also know that she wasn’t the one dumb enough to say such things when the mics are still on.

sprigatito · 10/04/2025 17:30

I don’t want to pressurise you to report them, as that has to be your own decision, but I will say generally that the more women do report this sort of everyday misogyny the better. Men just aren’t listening, are they - they are used to demeaning and objectifying women, and they don’t want to stop. The more we use the available mechanisms (such as they are) to hold them accountable, the greater the chance that some of them might decide to keep their disgusting attitudes to themselves for self-preservation reasons. Appealing to their sense of common decency hasn’t worked. They all know it’s wrong.

Handbagcuriosity · 10/04/2025 17:30

It’s not nice at all that they’ve done that. I do think that the advice from pp’s about tackling it direct with them is the best approach. If you don’t get an apology or they send a shitty response back then forward it to their manager. I wouldn’t go to HR at this point as while it is not nice, it is not something that would probably lead to a formal process at this stage, and they may surprise you with their response in which case it’s a lesson learnt from them. If they don’t respond in the right way that’s the point to escalate it

ClearPinkPlum · 10/04/2025 17:31

You were ALL very unprofessional.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 10/04/2025 17:31

How horrible. Women are up against this crap all the time. I would be tempted to tell them that you agree you are unbelievably gorgeous, and while your intelligence may have been called into question, you would never be as dim as to talk about someone disparagingly if there was a chance they could hear it.
You can tell I am menopausal and work solo!

Lindtnotlint · 10/04/2025 17:32

I think the advice here is poor. I would let this lie. Yes they are total dicks. But if you “confront” them it won’t give you power, it will just make the whole project enormously uncomfortable for all. I would take the power by being awesome on the next call! I also think reporting will get you nowhere. They are idiots to say it, and absolute idiots for saying it where you might overhear, but this is a “bitch to your mates in pub/mumsnet then put on brave face and move forward at work, while resolving to think about it as little as possible”.

I can see that reporting/confronting it might help others (a bit, maybe, though probably just means they will be more careful with mute button) but I really don’t think it helps you. Different matter if they had said it in writing or to your face.

diddl · 10/04/2025 17:34

ClearPinkPlum · 10/04/2025 17:31

You were ALL very unprofessional.

I think so too.

No wonder some places are trying to get people back into the office!

LisbonJacaranda · 10/04/2025 17:35

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 10/04/2025 17:11

Hi xxx and xxx,

Thanks for your time today.
Apologies for leaving the meeting so abruptly but I felt uncomfortable after hearing the personal remarks you made about my appearance.

Regards,

xxxxx

If you choose to cc their managers in, that’s up to you.

This and I would cc their managers in.

hopeishere · 10/04/2025 17:38

Report what? OP admits she wasn’t on the ball on the call. It’s ok to be frustrated with a colleague. The stuff about your appearance was mean but hardly a disciplinary issue.

ruffler45 · 10/04/2025 17:38

It is on a company provided facility , the company are legally responsible for the what is said and done on it and the people who have done and said it. They are pretty dumb to have done it.

No doubt about it - Complain

SatsumaDog · 10/04/2025 17:39

What arseholes! I’d let them know tomorrow that you heard what they said (word for word) and that you will be considering your position over the weekend. Make them sweat all weekend over it. I probably wouldn’t report it though.