To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

Not even that big a mis match. If one can afford to socialise regularly, nights out, theatre, restaurants, sporting events and shows, regular overseas travel. And one has to budget for cinema tickets - that creates a substantial imbalance in lifestyle when one party cannot afford what the other can.

Yeah i hear that but whether my friends are earning less now. When they were dating it was with their finacial equal.

I would say your priorities are wrong tbh but you’ll live and learn. Seems an awful shame to reject someone on a salary for £34k if yours is £40k for example.

My DH earns £60k and I earn nothing as I have a disabled child (and DC isn’t DH chidl! Thank god he loves me!)

It would change if the other could not afford it. Especially if she could not afford to pay for him and / or he did not want her paying for him.

Bottom line i don't want to fund another adult that's my 2 cents. Especially if in the dating stage this was a requirement.

I want to have any easy happy life having a life partner with the same inclination and ability is paramount. Also really really need to stress this thing about not being able to find a bloke after 35 is absolute rubbish. People are marrying older. I think people need to look around them how many high earner good looking people do you actually know. Most people are average find your partner in crime.

How often are the theatre trips for it to be a problem?
Restaurants, not sure because I've always managed to eat out pretty regularly with a modest wage. As I mentioned, it's more of a problem if they want to go for really fine dining and even many well off people might not want to do that every time they go out.

One of my colleagues met her DH at uni so at that point yes, they would have had the same money, but for the others, no, although probably belonging to the same general social class.

Have not seen that thread. That seems a different topic. This thread isn’t OP complaining about her partner being made redundant / earning less in retirement though?

I wonder what the thread would look like if a man he does only wants to date a woman who is attractive and young.

That’s entirely up to her, she hasn’t specified in her post whether she wants children or not, she may be undecided

Just things to think about

Presumably you would have to ask very early on in dating how much he earns , so that you discover whether or not you're both compatible before becoming attracted to him ?

Yeah this is key most likely same attitude to finances

If the lawyer works excessive hours and has a long commute I might prefer the slushies man, all else being equal.

I think wanting to date someone in your ballpark with regards to salary and lifestyle is completely reasonable. I've worked hard to build a successful career and a good lifestyle, I don't need someone to fund me and I am certainly not funding another adult or going camping because they are skint.

With the choice that another person gave, if its my 'dream man' but he's 30k or a guy who is ok but earns very well, I'd pick neither and stay single 🤣 Some people are happy with their 'person' eating baked beans with the heating off, other people care more about enjoying their life with good food, experiences and holidays and a partner needs to fit into that. It's not wrong to be either it's a personal preference.

You also need to factor in outgoings.

Both could earn 100k but one inherited a house so is mortgage free and the other is paying a £2/3k mortgage or rent on their own.

Disposable income is what needs to be compatible, along with the attitude to money.

This is exactly it the incomes don’t matter it’s what they have left after monthly outgoings that would be the biggest concern at the start of dating. This along with values, plans for the future etc

it’s one thing dating someone with a lower income but has the potential to make more or has more disposable income to dating someone that has a lower income with no potential or no disposable income.

long term it’s very different as there is an established relationship, likely joint finances etc so things like redundancy, sickness etc will be dealt with as a couple but at the start then it’s not someone another party should have to deal with or accept if it doesn’t align with the.

HNRTT but what do you think about engagement rings, OP?

You can go to the theatre fairly regularly if you enjoy it and it’s not cheap. This year I am limiting myself to 10 shows for example…..

Then adding everything else. I am just saying it does not have to be as extreme as millionnaires and minimum wage earners for there to be a difference.

Years ago I dated a man for whom going to a food market was a stretch financially and who had to plan and budget for a cinema trip. We ended for other reasons but my male friend (who objected to us dating due to financial disparity) was sure it would have created an issue long term and he was probably right. We were only together a few months though so I barely cared.

Well, I think it's hard to find true love. I think many/most people never do.
If you find it easy, it might make sense to reduce your chances...

It is sad though I do think there was a brief moment in the 80s where people were focused on love it meant diffrent social backgrounds mixed married and had babies. Fir whatever reason that type of relationship is less idealised and people are staying in their social groups I find that sad.

Not quite, I’m not asking for payslips on the first date! But you can usually get a feel for someone’s lifestyle, ambition and mindset early on without having to talk numbers straight away.

It’s not about income as a cold figure, it’s about whether our day to day lives and goals match up. That becomes pretty clear over time, and if it doesn’t align, then yes, that would influence how things progress.

I meant the age thing.

I honestly don’t know any women who made a sharp shift in their mid 30s. From early 20s to late 20s yes they grow, they mature they reflect on what’s important. The few who pivoted in their mid 30s just wanted a sperm donor and settled for that. I doubt they will still be with him in their 40s / 50s.

But similar financial values is quite important and OP suggested a preference for being the primary parent.

It’s ok to just settle but life is so much more than money. If your rich DH/DP loses his income will you trade him in for a new model.
Are you happy to be traded in if you no longer earning?
I wish you well in your search for a suitable partner.
Personally, with or without my DH I am guaranteed the lifestyle I’ve worked for. I didn’t fancy living a life of uncertainty. Sharing my life with my best friend is a bonus.

lifestyle may not change but it wouldn’t be nice if one person could afford to eat out every week. Have trips to the cinema/theatre/concerts. Breaks away, holidays even something as simples a a Chinese take away. but the other had to scrape by and could only afford to eat out once a month, had to save for things like tickets or breaks away etc then a difference in lifestyle will be noticeable.

it doesn’t have to be champagne bars etc

I have tried and it leads to resentment on both sides, he hated that I could do as I wanted with little thought of money and I hated that he couldn’t join me. I also didn’t want to be paying for him at all times. He did work and could hold down a job but he did make less so had less disposable income. We got on amazingly and he ticked most of my boxes but the lifestyles were too different

I don't think it would even be worth having a thread about it. A man wanting to date a woman who is young and attractive is hardly news.

But you’re happy with them funding you?

it’s highly unlikely you’ll find a man on the exact same salary. 🙄