To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

But everybody reduces their chances of finding love.

Almost everybody.

The number of people who are willing to date anybody that will have them is tiny. And if you have any parameters whatsoever - you reduce your chances.

I just don’t see the issue with that. Love alone is not enough for a relationship work. You can love a non commital toxic person after all.

Why is it sad? I’m from a poor WC background, went to Oxford and so ended up mixing with and dating people from entirely different social class backgrounds. Let me tell you, there is a lot to be said for being in a relationship with someone to whom you don’t have to explain that binmen are people, too, and one of them is your dad, or that no, you don’t have a bedroom at home any more because two of your sisters moved into, so I was on the sofa when I visited in the vac, which was why I’d chosen a college that was able to accommodate me all year, not just in term-time. Or whose mother doesn’t congratulate you on not eating with your hands after a dinner party.

I mean, it’s not my job to educate people about my origins by dating them.

My friend married the first person who would have her and she's utterly miserable now. The pool does need some reducing, not just "he's interested, I'll have his babies".

Probably best not to be too restrictive though, because you might miss your person if you're only looking for people of a certain height, hair colour, waist size, income, ethnicity etc.

I disagree it’s shallow. Having been very hard up (not able to buy food at the end of the month, etc) at various times in my life, I finally got to a point where I earned enough that I could comfortably eat out or go away for the odd weekend without having to think twice about it. For that reason, when I was dating, I didn’t want to go out with anyone who wasn’t in a similar situation because I was really enjoying my newfound freedom and wanted to be with someone who could also, say, go for a weekend break without worrying about money, counting every penny, etc. Likewise, I didn’t want to date someone much wealthier than me, and not be able to pay my way…

Not necessarily asking what he earns but over time it becomes apparent whether you compatible financially.

Overtime you’ll soon realise that the person matches your lifestyle. Getting to know someone, learning about where they live if they rent or own etc. what type of car they drive if they can afford to be out regularly or always suggesting nights in etc. where they like to go eat out.

this isn’t just down to cash either someone that loves socialising / eating out / theatre / etc will never be compatible with a homebody.

bitter shrivelled cat lady is unfortunately how I see your future OP.. sorry

No snobbish, not sure if I agree this is shallow either - I would like to think it would not matter to me, but if there was a big discrepancy, I think it would be hard for me to get past.

I think girls and women are fed a constant fairytale narrative and told that loves enough and you're a gold digger if you even consider a man's earnings.

It's quite sensible to consider a man's financial situation amongst other things when choosing a partner

If it's for reasons of snobbery, then you are being unreasonable, but at least that's who you are.
There are lots of better reasons not to want a partner who earns significantly less than you do. I do think people should only date in their own salary/achievement bracket, give or take say 20% or so, unless it's a highly vocational job.

No, I totally see where you're coming from. If I hooked up with a boy earning less than me I'd 1. Be concerned that he was after my money, but 2. More importantly, worry that he'd be jealous or feel inferior and want me to earn less.

Be careful what you wish for. I met and married a man who had a great job 6 figure salary and by the time we married and had our first child he was made redundant and I was the main breadwinner for nearly 20 years as in the field he worked in he was deemed too old to get another job. High earners have more to lose. I would say its more important the job they have than the money they earn. If they do a job that they can easily move from one to the otherthen that's a lot more valuable to me.

I honestly don’t know any women who made a sharp shift in their mid 30s

I do know women who definitely started opening up their options at mid thirties ( previously only considered high earning men) and found that they had left it too late and are still single

There is a stiff completion from other women for high earning men and they know it, most women would ideally like a high earning man so the men can have their pick ,but high earning men are not always after high earning women they usually have ‘attractiveness’ as a higher desirable on their list of requirements and they can choose that out of a pool of women

I never said that the OP was wrong in her way of thinking, I’m just pointing out the risks of only looking at a narrow selection of men who happen to be highly desirable to almost all women

DH earns less than me but is a high earner. We have separate finances which wouldn't work with someone who was a low earner and I wouldn't be prepared to fund them.

People choose a partner for all sorts of reasons. It's not unreasonable to want someone who will be capable of earning in the same range that you do. It's an element of compatibility.

I wouldn't choose someone for earning prospects alone, nor is it the most important factor, but I also wouldn't want to tie myself to someone who couldn't support himself or was satisfied subsisting on crumbs when he was capable of much more.

It's different if challenges develop later on after you've bonded and committed to one another, but when you're in the early days of choosing whether or not to even date someone, be as picky as you want.

My partner earns less than me. Luckily I don’t think it’s 1956 where the man was the main breadwinner

It's interesting now I'm older and I look at the girls I went to school with and how their lives have panned out. The ones who married wealthy or high earning men have really quite spectacular lives...loads of travel, beautiful homes. It's really quite shocking how much women's lives are still dependent on how they choose to marry.

I bet it would not bother you if they earned more than you!

It’s not about that. I’ve always worked FT and my career is non-optional to me. The amount of money I make means I can do certain things. I don’t want to not do those things because the person I’m in a relationship can’t afford them.

As if being a single cat lady isn’t preferable to many an alternative.

I am married, but if I had been required to choose between compromising what was/is important to me and being single, then I would have chosen to remain single .

What if they do? They’d be able to keep up with the lifestyle that OP wants and has.

Yeah I really don’t see any issue with being too restrictive as long as you are comfortable with that meaning you may live your whole life single.

If there is something you know you cannot overcome may as well be honest with yourself and spare everybody’s time!

I don’t care about men earning less than me but that’s because I have never been in a position where I have been in a long term committed partnership with a man who earns significantly less.

We often ended before the financial mismatch could start to pose a serious problem.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to date someone that matches your salary or is above. If you’re on a good salary and can do nice things regularly without having to think about the cost of it I totally get not wanting to date someone who can’t keep up with that. If you like expensive dinners 3 times a week but your with a low earner that can’t afford that you’d either miss out on what you enjoy and can afford or would end up paying regularly for your date so you can both do these things.

For me, I'm looking with someone solvent with a similar disposable income so we can enjoy life together...that could mean they earn less but have paid of a mortgage/car, or could earn more but I want to meet someone who can take a random mini break, or enjoy a nice restaurant without having to fund the lifestyle.

But, I've had my family, divorced, and the next relationship would be purely for fun rather than looking to settle down

In a secure job (as much as can be), wanting to do well and perhaps progress in it, all good traits. That's not the same as what the OP wants, and I think it does reduce her chance of finding someone.

What’s wrong with being a “shrivelled cat lady”?

Can misogynists develop better ripostes in the next century? This one is stale.