To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

Agree, It’s not at all unreasonable to have preferences but know there could possibly be risks associated with these.
Lets face it the way the OP is thinking is far from abnormal and it works out for some but not for others, a lot of women tend to think like she does in twenties and early thirties and then have a bit of a reality check in mid thirties, but your options at mid thirties and onwards are slim and getting slimmer as every year that passes

Definitely not enough on its own. I don’t think any quality is really! But lack of it is an automatic block.

So if there are two men, both have every personality trait you want in a person and you are attracted to what both look like too.

The first man says "I'm just off to my job as a senior civil service lawyer"
The second man says "I'm just off to do my shift as Slushy Maker at the local soft play"

Would you have a preference?

Decades ago I was in a nightclub and a couple of footballers came in....fairly well known names...I've never seen anything like it in terms of how women were desperately trying to get themselves noticed by them. It was unbelievable.

Only if she wants children….or if she is willing to date somebody she does not want just to have somebody in her 30s (and possibly divorced in her 40s.)

It’s not as simple as that though unfortunately. At the start of dating and any relationship you are looking for compatibility at that stage. A big part of this will come down to lifestyle. If one person can afford for spontaneous meals out, nights out, breaks away etc can they give that up as their partner can’t afford it or would they be willing to treat their partner or accept they would have to do it alone.

for example man 1 wouldn’t be your dream man if he couldn’t match your lifestyle. So wouldn’t tick every box either but could do in the future.

man 2 again would likely not have a chance either as their would be no attraction but then attraction can grow.

this is where compromise comes in, do you compromise on a lifestyle you have for everything else knowing that long term it could work or do you go for the one without the attraction as he can match your lifestyle and hope you get some sort of attraction long term

"To be honest I don't know any financially mismatched couples."

Interesting. With one exception, all the women I work with in a similar job have husbands who earn quite a lot more.

I suppose it depends how much time you spent in soft play and whether he'd give you free slushies...😂

To be honest I don't know any financially mismatched couples. Most people married the economic and educational equivalent

I know a few who married their equivalents but they are average looking. The good looking high earning males I know have defo prioritised looks & youth!

"If one person can afford for spontaneous meals out, nights out, breaks away etc can they give that up as their partner can’t afford it or would they be willing to treat their partner or accept they would have to do it alone."

Yes, but as I mentioned, as long as both have some amount of disposable income, they can usually find a way of going out/away that they can both afford. They don't have to earn EXACTLY the same amount.

Op is talking about dating, not a lifetime commitment.

There is a difference between going into a relationship and navigating issues as they arise.

Some people may choose not to date somebody does not want / cannot have children but if their spouse turned out to be infertile would not leave them.

Similarly some people may not choose to date a fat person but would not leave their partner if they gained weight.

If there is a huge mismatch it becomes a challenge though.

I'm a really on your side, I was just explaining why you're going to get lots of people saying you're shallow or a gold digger, because it sounds like you're saying you won't consider men below a certain income bracket.

I wouldn't date someone who couldn't contribute to the lifestyle I want to live. But income isn't always a practical indicator of that. DH and I earn similar now and when we met it was similar because I was at uni and he'd just been made redundant, so neither of us had anything. But when he got another job and I was at uni, incomes were vastly different. When I came out of uni, they were still vastly different. Then they evened out. Then I overtook. Then I went on mat leave and while I was on leave he overtook.

Now, if I worked full time, I'd be on less but not by a lot. If I hadn't taken mat leave and the subsequent part time hours, I'd be the higher earner now, by quite a lot.

But, between us we earn more than BIL & SIL. No one in the family believes that because of the lifestyle he lives Vs ours. Because we live simply, and he likes to flaunt his "wealth". Lifestyle and income aren't always the same. Just make sure they have the right attitudes, not the right bank balance.

To be fair, she might be talking about both because obviously, dating is for many people with a view to making a lifetime commitment if the dating works out.

@Comedycook other women would hand over their numbers or pounce on him whilst my friend was stood next to him. I think he was actually one of the good guys as he never seemed interested in it and never a whiff of scandal about him in later years.

You would rather someone be well read that kind? So unkind is ok as long as they read well 😁

How do you get to a lifetime commitment without dating?

Yes, obviously if one person is a millionaire and the other is on minimum wage, but those people are unlikely to meet and ask one another out in the first place, aren't they?

Also your right but where you might get into serious problems is where it seems your saying your expectations of your partner are to then fully financially support you. For the men I'm around if this is the long term plan of the woman the tend to run for the hills, these same men after marriage would be happy with a sahw after kids to an extent. The idea that good men want to provide is a strange concept in today's world. Generally most wealthy people I've engaged with want to build some kind of legacy if they marry the wrong person this finacial goal is harder to achieve.

I wonder if people think their decision to prioritise looks and youth is as shallow as OP. Or would that be different because they are men…

And also, attitude to spending is probably just as important. If your partner is well off, but insists that you carry a flask of tea rather than stop in a cafe, you're not going to be happy together if that's not your thing.

Not a snob but, I couldn't imagine missing out on an amazing person just because they make less money than me.

Also, you already have a certain lifestyle whilst single so why would that change regardless of what he earns.

Unless you mean you spend tons in champagne bars or something and worry he won't be able to keep up I suppose.

Dunno, just seems odd to me. I just want him to be dependable and hold down work.

You can become a victim of success but you can never be a victim of happiness.

Choose wisely!

There's a thread at the moment where a man is complaining about his DP's ageing looks (among all sorts of other problems) and he's obviously being criticised for his attitude.