To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

I think there's vanishingly little care and concern for others in society as a whole these days. You only have to see the amount of litter around, stupid dangerous driving, disrespect to teachers and medical staff, loud neighbours to name just a very few, to see that many many people are just out for themselves and don't give a toss about others at all. Individuals may be kind if it benefits themselves and their family, but in general no.

Wanting to be on an equal financial footing to someone is not ‘messed up in the head’.

Your ex is free to make his own decisions and set his own boundaries, but it isn’t unreasonable for others to feel differently.

I don’t even see why it’s shallow to say you don’t want to date somebody who earns less.

Or any less shallow than saying you don’t want to date somebody you are not attracted to / of a different faith / different ethnicity / who has children etc. Which are all common preferences.

I’d be interested to know what your background is and how that plays into this.
As someone whose parent was a high earner for a while but never there, it was more important to me to have someone who would be home by 6 every night, would do their share of the childcare, and didn’t have to travel a lot for work. A man I could have pursued now earns £200k I reckon but isn’t home until 9pm. It’s not for me.

It depends on your background and priorities. A friend had lots of money growing up and her family lost it so she looked for a man who would be able to give her that again. We are all products on our environments.

Depends on what you value, you may not find someone you like who is a high earner.

similar values & goals matter though.

What would you do if your partner/husband lost their job or got ill and could no longer work?

Would you leave them?

You sound lovely.

I think both things can be true. The income gap can be a practical reflection of deeper lifestyle or value differences, especially if one person is more ambitious or future-focused than the other.

I used salary in the title as a shorthand because it often does affect lifestyle, but you’re right it’s not just about money. It’s about what that difference might signal or create tension around. So I don’t think my OP was wrong, just deliberately direct.

Not at all and I know exactly what you’re saying. I was the same, wanted someone who professionally and financially my equal.

It's ultimately about priorities. Is it unreasonable to have a preference and could that preference ultimately bite you on the arse are two different questions. I think the latter is the more important one for someone in OPs position, but of course that's not one that a fairly anonymous message on MN can answer.

Meh. My Dh earns over 10 times what I do. My little business and the joy it gives me is still of huge importance to him (and me obviously.)

He wouldn't have been able to have a family, career and the life he wanted without me arranging my work round it. But it was a joint decision of ours and his job has saved literally 1000s of people. However he has insisted that all our savings are in my name only. And before anyone claims he'll be hiding shit, we have a joint bank account and I manage all the finances.
My point is that when you want to be with someone it's about a partnership. Earning power doesn't equal value to the relationship.

OK, so...consider this: there are fixed overheads to life, which don't change based on whether there are one or two people in that life.

For example, some couples only have one car between them, and their lifestyle wouldn't appreciably change if they had one each. For a less expensive example, the number of pots, pans and knives you'd need wouldn't be any different whether there were two people living in the house or one.

The point is that the lifestyle of person A on £40k may very well not change if their partner (person B) was on £30k. If A had a lot of monthly costs but B didn't, it may even end up that B has more disposable income than A, and B would be compromising their lifestyle by living with A.

Details matter. Drawing a conclusion based on a headline number is daft.

Again with the either/or. Who says a wealthy man can’t offer the same as the first man? Why must she choose between specifically those two?

’Love can go through anything’ is wildly disingenuous, considering financial stress is pretty much THE relationship killer.

Apples v oranges.

Just want to add, my earnings used to be much higher but ill health has stealthed it's way in and I'm hugely grateful for the set up we have now.

Or anybody, probably.
It's not enough on its own because you have to fancy the person too and like their company, but it's probably the most important human quality.

I get that might sound “wild” to some people but I’m not choosing money over love, I’m choosing compatibility alongside love.

For me, lifestyle isn’t a superficial extra. It affects daily life, future plans, stress levels, and how two people build together. If someone is my “dream man” but we’re constantly out of sync on how we live, spend, or plan, that tension can erode even the best emotional connection.

It’s not about a man needing to fund my lifestyle, it’s about not wanting to carry someone financially or constantly compromise on the kind of life I’ve worked hard for. That doesn’t feel romantic, it feels exhausting.

But equally, YOU wouldn’t have been able to have career, family etc if he had a “little business” unless he was prepared to do all the wifework. Most men don’t want to do that.

My ex wanted the same lifestyle as me and had the same priorities, big house, nice holidays….the difference was he was happy for me to pay for it whilst he coasted in a shit job.

Until you’ve been with someone who is happy to rinse you of every penny it is easy to be idealistic and talk about “important jobs” and “shared income”. For me, never again. I don’t see it as being grabbing to say I have worked hard and sacrificed (time, but also job satisfaction and fulfilment) to achieve a lifestyle, I want them to not benefit from that

I haven't read the full thread but yanbu. We really should stop vilifying women for preferring solvent men.

Lots of discussion around this at the moment, as traditionally women have sought hypergamy -ie marrying someone with more resources than them. But as graduate women in their 20s now on average out-earn men in their 20s, the available pool shrinks and there is stiff competition for the higher earning men.
The 80/20 rule.
Hence why those top 20% of men with the qualities you list can pick and choose among those women chasing them.
So be prepared to compete with other women of equal or better quality (and there will be many, including those who earn a lot less than you, as men typically rate a woman’s earning power below looks and kindness)
And if you land one -be prepared to defend your catch from predators 😂

@Widowerwouldyou one of my friends dated a footballer in the early 00s. Not even massively famous. OMG the attention from other women was insane, they would act like we weren't there 😆. Friend had to dump
him as she couldn't cope. This was before social media & DMs which must make it even more insane.

To be honest I don't know any financially mismatched couples. Most people married the economic and educational equivalent. Also to OP if your earning 6 figures and keep yourself in good knick you should look at matchmaking agencies. In London there's not as many high earning women on their books. General desire from what I was told by the agency was a highly educated attractive women with a good job. Focus your attention on being where the sort of man you want will also be. To be fair it blew my socks off when I listen to my mate go through the application process, first few questions where what's your educational background what is your job and salary and do you want kids. 🤔

I think probably everyone has some form of line here. I wouldn't date someone who earned significantly more or less than me. Post-children, out earning my partner means that I've never experienced any gender based pressure to give up work. I've essentially bought my own independence by marrying someone who couldn't have our lifestyle if I reduced my hours. On the other hand, it also means that I can't reduce my hours for family even if I wanted to. I knew this all along, and avoided men who centred their career for this reason.

I also wouldn't date someone who made minimum wage because I would be stressed by having to do overtime in order to pay for our lifestyle. All of this seems fine and noncontroversial to me.

"The point is that the lifestyle of person A on £40k may very well not change if their partner (person B) was on £30k. If A had a lot of monthly costs but B didn't, it may even end up that B has more disposable income than A, and B would be compromising their lifestyle by living with A."

I agree. I have friends on different incomes and it only rarely matters. I may not do all the global holidays they do, but can join for European trips. I won't do a Michelin star restaurant that some of them may do very occasionally, but have no problem going to 'normal' restaurants.

I did once have a problem when I offered to take two people for dinner after helping me move some furniture and the rich one said I couldn't afford anything he would find acceptable! However, in the end he enjoyed the nice little terrace restaurant we found.
I think it's only really a problem if someone has no disposable income at all i.e. long-term unemployed, can't pay for their own drink or accept one from someone else.

Obviously, I'm talking more about the dating stage here when incomes aren't combined.