Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

We made adaptations to the house for my elderly mother with dementia.
Chair lift
grab handles
replaced bath with walk in shower
life line call emergency pendant
carers attending during the day
keysafe

It works well, she stays in her own home, she has company and practical help from the carers and takes some pressure off family

It is difficult juggling everything if there is no outside help.
The last thing anyone needs is resentment or burn out of anyone whether that’s towards the person in need of help or family trying to provide the help whilst still having other commitments/family responsibilities/care of own self/breaks away.

Social services won't help if the client or the family have the means to self fund.
You have a few options:
Just check out a few care agencies and see what would work best. Personally, I'd go live in carer.

Do you mean a stairlift?
For a patient with dementia?

I think this is your opportunity to get a carer to come visit a couple of times a day. My Dad had been very resistant to anyone coming in, but agreed when I went on holiday - I guilted him into it, saying it was for my piece of mind, I worried he wouldn't eat well or get out for walks.

Once he had a carer go in, he was fine with it - she made sure he took his medication, had a hot meal, went to the shops with him etc.

I think you should do this with your MIL, if you think she'd be safe with someone going in a couple of times a day.

Alternatively you could try respite again, for complete peace of mind. Could you tell her it's only while you're all away, you want to make sure she's not lonely while you're away, you all feel so bad that you'll be away etc.

I think you're doing a huge amount, your DH and SIL too. Your MIL probably doesn't realise how lucky she is to have you all.

Yes

As a full time carer to an 84yo with Alzheimer’s, I’m so angry for you. I love my dad fiercely and am happy to care for him, but if I were offered the chance of a holiday without him, I would jump at it like a drowning woman after a life belt - the idea of it then being ruined because of what amounts to complete selfishness is just awful. Your SIL is a disgrace and your DH isn’t much better. Stick to your guns - you are going on this holiday and you are going to enjoy it.

Respite in a care home??

I'm surprised any stairlift installer agreed to that.

My mum is 94. Advanced dementia. Has a stairlift with no problem safer than using the stairs.

This. Daughter of the year right there(!).

It was installed before dementia was diagnosed due to age/mobility and easier accessing her bedroom/bathroom and she’s perfectly fine still using it.

I would be interested to see the split of caring hours / duties in a typical week. Also, a bit odd that a family with lots of medical, nursing and health care workers has devised a system that involves an elderly disabled person travelling 17 miles for a shower. Why hasn’t a walk in / wheel in shower been installed in MIL’s home?

Unless your DH did not give the dates to his sister (but I think you mentioned she knew the dates), then I think she is sending a clear message to her brother.

@LadyLapsang . There is no easy option for a wet room in MILs home unless we build it in the corner of her dining room or such like . DH brings her in a very comfortable Kia Sportage to access our down stairs walk in shower . SIl comes as Mil doesn’t want to be naked in front of her son . The whole evolution is usually combined with lunch and is seen as a trip out for MIL . These are the things MIL will miss out on for several days when both are away . This is what concerns me.

Would you loose much money on the holiday if you cancelled now and re booked for an earlier later date

Would you look at a move to sheltered housing?

Stairlifts for people with dementia is a bit like driving or using the gas cooker.
It's safe, until it's not and then the results can be catastrophic.
Can they remember to fasten the seatbelt? (In 30years NHS service, I've never seen a patient with dementia remember to fasten their seatbelt) Can they remember how to swivel it at the top? I've seen several people try to get off half way up.

@LadyLapsang . No one keeps a tally on who does what . SIl takes many more days away than DH does . DH works full time , SIl does not. SIl stays over with MiL from time to time . When she does , I generally stop in after work to keep SIL company for a few hours . DH works 12 hour shifts and fits his caring duties by leaving early and seeing her before his night shift starts , popping in early morning after a night shift and seeing her on 3 of his 4 days off. It’s a strain on him and our marriage if I’m honest which is why this holiday is important to me.

OP you still haven't said what your DH's plan is. Is he intending to leave her to fend for herself?

I'm a little surprised too. I mean, I'm glad it seems to be working well, but can you be absolutely certain that a person with dementia or other cognitive decline would remember to use the stairlift?

That would be my worry there. Or that they might not use it safely. One of my mother's friends was recently injured as she fell off her stairlift. Don't know really how it happened and the lady doesn't even have dementia, but things can go wrong with them. I'd have thought problems were even more likely with dementia patients.

I don’t think people with diagnosed dementia can move to sheltered housing.

Stairlift injuries are horrific. They wouldn’t install for a known dementia patient as the risk of misuse and catastrophic injury is high.

OK, I see that now. I hope it continues to be useful for a while. It's something to keep watch on though. They really can cause bad injuries.

@StrangerThings1 . Moving the holiday would be next impossible . I’m self employed and I’m fully booked with private clients until October . We would lose most of eight thousand pounds plus the dog / house sitting fees most likely .

I’m not in any way knocking your current arrangements
or who does what but there’s a heck of a lot more to dealing with an elderly parent. The enormous strain to everyone whether directly or indirectly. Let’s face it, non of us ‘children’ are getting any younger ourselves, blink & we’ll end up before we know it needing carers.
Who does the washing, changing bed, shopping & general housework?

It really does sound like you’re all struggling through as best you can. Perhaps it’s time for everyone to re evaluate and reach out for other help to ease the strain on you all. It really does help and is beneficial for family to have the visits as more a social visit than as a carer role visit.

She needs professional care - this isn’t sustainable as it is, and you’d all be better off making this change before things become untenable and you end up doing it in a panic / or there’s some sort of huge catalyst like a big fall or health event that requires very swift action to save her life. I would suggest starting to organise it all now and get everyone on the same page..