Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

@Souredgrapes my heart goes out to you. Been in a similar situation with PILs.

There was a crisis once when dh was with MIL and for complex reasons he ended up staying and being her personal carer for weeks.

Carers were arranged but MIL would refuse a shower - "my son/daughter is coming at the weekend and they will do it". I think that in a situation where MIL things were less and less in MIL's control (what time she got up, what she ate etc), the ONLY control she had some days was to refuse to go in the shower or to change her knickers.

dh and siblings were at their wits ends.

I agree it doesn’t sound sustainable in the long term but the OP probably knows this already, it’s a lot of pressure for all concerned and the MIL sounds like a difficult patient

@WallaceinAnderland . That’s the problem . There is no clear plan . This is why I’m in disbelief.

when I said they are leaving her to the good will of friends ( one friend to be exact ) and neighbours that’s exactly what I meant.

The friend is lovely and great support in addition to DH and SIL but in no way would be expected to fill such a huge void. I actually anticipate this lady will end up also texting everyday with issues and problems and who could blame her . There are a couple of young adult grandchildren but they work long full time hours and have already pushed back on stepping in on previous gaps in care.

That's actually not a bad approach so long as rolling with it includes a plan for emergencies that does not include you or your husband coming back from holiday, and so long as his phone is kept turned off.

I suppose they feel like getting their mum-help in , is letting her down, which it’s not.

There is no dignity in being driven to get a shower, there really should be something in place for her at home

In summary, it sounds like in the nicest way, your DH and SIL are slight blind to their mum's needs and how much they're relied on. Healthcare professionals can be the worst for this, in terms of just getting on with the job. They might not fully appreciate or want to comprehend how much they do or are relied on and what a gap that will leave if neither are available.

Can you engineer a test scenario where you and DH go away for the weekend in the UK and a miniature crisis that doesn't require a plane flight or ruining a big holiday might occur

If you don't believe that SIL did this deliberately, what do you think happened? I mean, you and DH gave SIL the dates you would be away and she then booked a holiday for exactly the same dates - how could she have done that accidentally? What explanation has she given for this?
If your MIL won't go into respite care and will text your DH endlessly in between carers' visits if she stays in her own home, it's clear to me that the only answer is for your SIL to change her holiday dates so you and DH can enjoy your special holiday and then SIL can enjoy hers later. I really think your DH is being unreasonable by not talking to his sister and getting this resolved quickly - you should not be made to feel like the "baddie" in this situation, which is not of your making, and I really hope you can get this resolved satisfactorily for all your sakes.

Driving your MIL to your house for a shower - SIL in tow - is one of those family arrangements that may seem normal at the time, but is, frankly, a bit bonkers (and unsustainable).

I'd be calling local private care companies and getting info on prices and availability. Sounds like twice a day carers plus family phoning and a key safe plus someone who can check on her in a crisis would be ok for 10 days. Plan it and present plan to DH & SIL

If both you and your DH and SIL do all go away at the same time and there is a serious problem, as you envisage, which sibling would be required to cut their holiday short to return home? Your SIL does more day to day care, but your DH does seem to fill all his spare time doing caring duties for his mum so probably both of them need a break.

Honestly it sounds like both your DH and SIL are doing a huge amount including personal care. I appreciate they want to be good DCs but it sounds unsustainable as demonstrated by a later post where you say that grandchildren have —thankfully unsuccessfully— been tried to be roped in to provide caring. There are already 3 adults who aren’t living full lives because of one person.
This has led to a situation where you are resentful of a grown woman taking 2-4 holidays per year.

Its baffling that your DH is reluctant to get in paid carers which would not only solve the immediate problem, but give more flexibility for the future and potentially allow DH and DSIL to step back a bit on what seems like a gruelling routine.

It doesn’t sound like it’s about money, so I wonder what your DHs core resistance is about. It may be worth digging a bit more on that as otherwise I Agree I can’t see the holiday going well.

Or speak to SIL and ask if her holiday can be moved, not accusatory but as you are so concerned about what the impact will be if no additional care is arranged. I wouldn’t mention number of holidays she has had versus you, otherwise I suspect you will find that the “nobody’s keeping count” statement is completely untrue and she knows exactly how many evenings she has spent at DMs and her totals far exceed DHs.

What age is MIL and what age are you ?

This is ridiculous. Our elderly mum has carers in 3 times a day. She has just come out of respite care too. Now I get that it’s expensive if your HA won’t provide a care package and I would be escalating that with them, but who is actually calling the shots here? DH? SIL? MIL?

You simply cannot carry on like this! Your MIL will only get worse. I can’t believe posters criticising your SIL for booking a holiday. She is doing more than enough for her mother. Yes OPs husband is also doing more than enough. MIL needs professional care whether she wants it or not. Respite care when you both go on holiday but permanently in the future.
I have said this many times on MN but Hell would freeze over before I would want my adult children to do care for me. I love them and want them to enjoy their lives. I have already had that conversation with them.

@Flossflower “I can’t believe posters criticising your SIL for booking a holiday” - it’s not the fact she booked a holiday, it’s the fact she booked a holiday on those dates when she knew her brother and op would also be away. She also has plentiful holidays every year so it’s not like it’s her one and only opportunity.

Op is your husband ok with the plan that is currently in place for friend/neighbour to pop in?

But SIL, like most people, is entitled to go on holiday whenever she wants.
She should not be restricted to certain dates. It is probably good that she has brought this situation to a head. Residential respite care is required even if that is not what the MIL wants. You can’t keep giving in to people who want their adult children to ruin their lives, even if they are in the early stages of dementia. As the OP says, she suspects that some of this neediness is just her behaviour anyway.
For various reasons, many serious, my sister and I are LC with my mother. Now she is in her 90s we do phone her (and visit occasionally). If she complains she is lonely or can’t do something we ask her if she would be better off in a home. It stops her asking.

If MIL is already texting DH in distress of an evening then it sounds as though she is only just coping with the current arrangements.

-Temporary care has resulted in MIL contacting people upset.
-The current situation results in MIL contacting DH upset.
-On a previous holiday for SIL MIL has been unable to cope & SIL had to come home early.
-After Christmas MIL was unable to cope and DH had to go and stay.

If you lay it out to DH like this, does he have any awareness that given all these previous experiences going badly, removing most of MIL's current support is surely a recipe for disaster? Obviously there's a temptation to stick one's head in the sand and hope that it will all be okay rather than confront uncomfortable truths, but can you use the previous evidence to bring him out of that?

MIL needs professional care whether she wants it or not

This is the only answer unfortunately.

who is actually calling the shots here? DH? SIL? MIL?

OP, if your husband refuses to engage with this it will affect his marriage. Does he understand this? Does he want the best for his mum? Or does he want to feel like he’s a loving son?

She had a choice of the other 50 weeks of the year but deliberately chose the dates op had already booked, it’s hardly a huge restriction.

This is a good summary.

It sounds as if MIL is simply unhappy no matter what, and gradually losing your physical independence and mental capacity is never going to be a barrel of laughs.

But the present situation is impacting the lives of three people rather a lot, to the point where the marriage of one couple is suffering. If MIL is unhappy no matter what is done for her then it seems obvious that outside help needs to be brought in.

I don’t know what age OP, her DH and SIL are but the mention of adult age DGC suggests they may be at least in their 50s. It’s all very well saying family comes before holidays but there is a finite number of years you can go on holidays particularly long haul. We’re mid 50s and back from a long haul destination and were surprised how much it took out of us, and we are pretty fit.

OP said that nobody was keeping count, but she clearly is counting how much time away SIL has.Maybe the holiday SIL booked was something she really wanted to do, but couldn’t afford until now. Whatever the reason, it’s a clear mark that things can’t continue as they have done. If DH and SIL really insist on both going away without any alternative arrangements, then yes this holiday is likely to be impacted, but maybe it will force them into a more sustainable ongoing arrangement, allowing more holidays in the future.

This is what I'm struggling to understand.

OP's DH is presumably a reasonably intelligent man. He knows that it normally takes him, his sister, his wife and his mum's friend to manage her needs throughout the week.

And yet, OP seems to be saying that he now thinks she will be fine without the support of both him and his sister - her two main carers - for a whole week.

Where is his critical thinking?

No she was free to make any choice she wanted. She got a deal she couldn’t resist.
We do childcare for our grandchildren, as do the other grandparents. We generally try to book different weeks holiday, so they can double up for us and we can double up for them. Sometimes, for various reasons, it can’t be avoided that we take the same weeks holiday and alternative care has to be sought. Either the children have to spend an extra day at nursery, go to a holiday club or Mum and Dad take leave.
Like OP and her SIL, looking after MIL, we are under no compulsion to look after our grandchildren. The OPs husband and SIL need to find respite care.
MIL may live for many many more years and OP, her husband and SIL cannot live like this going on. As I said, it is good that it was brought to a head.
Reasons for going away at the same time can be varied. We were invited this year to go away with friends on a certain date.

We’ll have to agree to disagree then. I think SIL was completely unreasonable to book the same dates and you won’t persuade me otherwise. Sometimes there are valid reasons (eg invited by friends, only holiday date available for the whole year etc) but “deal she couldn’t resist” when they go on multiple holidays each year isn’t a good enough reason.

SiL needs to sort this... I'm assuming she was 'on duty' whilst you're away?
Stay out of it,.. its her problem to sort.