To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

Exactly.

What would you see as being the solution?

The only solution is therapy for the child so she work though her feelings of abandonment and feeling she doesn’t fit. Not that it will fix the issue as such but it will help her work thought it all and realise it’s not her she is good enough and she shouldn’t be embarrassed.

Nobody can personally fix it. Even if her father suddenly ran to her door tomorrow she would still have feeling about these last 9 years, there would still be the bubbling of the fact her sibling has everything she doesn’t again even if her father suddenly became dad of the year.

None of this is the dh/ops/siblings/inlaws fault it’s a product of her abandonment in fact if op divorced and the dh then didn’t want anything to do with her this would likely compound the issue of nobody wants me, which is often how you get children who become adults who self sabotage relationships because they never feel good enough and are just waiting for the person to leave to they push they away until they do and then it proves them right.

Ahh I see, I disagree. I mean im sure the dd could do with therapy to deal with abandonment issues by her father. But I don’t think that will help with the wounds caused by exposing her to an unwelcoming blended family.

Separating also won’t fix her not having a loving family form her dads side and then add trauma to another child.

Whose issues will then be mother taking her away from a loving family for her sister.

Now you’ve got two children living without their fathers, one with an involved dad and one without. One possibly and quite likely resentful at loosing her family due to her sisters jealously as a child brain will see it.

Considering the little sister is growing up in an extended family where people are happy half siblings and declare it, to her it’s perfectly fine and not a big deal only her sister is making it a big deal.

Ideally ops father wouldn’t have been a shit and she wouldn’t have ended up in a blended family but now there is two children to consider not just ones wants or feelings.

I actually liked knowing where I stood in my step family it was a nice consistent. None of the fakery that could be ripped away at a second like a parent just walking out.

I actually liked knowing where I stood in my step family it was a nice consistent

where did you stand out of curiosity?

I got Christmas presents and birthday presents, I went to big family gatherings. I could call in an emergency and they would help. My sibling yes did get more than me, but they were their family. So sure maybe my Christmas present was £20 and theirs might have been £60 but it was still something they knew I’d like.

But they were my siblings family they were their first names.

As a child I knew my bio was shit. Shitter than shit. But my step dad who I do actually call dad unlike ops child family was not who I wanted to fill my biologicals family space. I wanted them to not be shit. I wanted to be recognised by them. I didn’t want a fake family.

Sorry to hear about your bio dad. That sounds rough

@UndermyShoeJoe identity is exactly how I would describe it. When things happen like being abandoned by a parent it can affect you on an identity level and consequently mess with your self worth. I agree DD probably needs some support to work through her own understanding of what has happened, feelings about her dad, and then build her own positive self- identity and which isn't defined by what has happened to her, and help her see that she is good enough. I think doing this now would be really positive and really help her as she grows up. By deprioritised the DSP relationship which is distressing for DD OP also frees up energy and space for other relationships and experiences to grow.

There’s that bit in fresh Prince that always knocks me and it’s Will’s break down, when his dad does appear and once again lets him down. Why didn’t he want me. And it just hits so hard.

Even now as a fully grown adult with my own children and he could be dead for all I know I still can’t watch it without feeling that exact hatred for that man and yet wanting to why I wasn’t good enough for him.

It’s a life long scar and photos with my siblings family didn’t fix that, parties didn’t fix that. Hell he could leave me a million pounds and it wouldn’t fix all the issues of not being/feeling good enough for him to want to be my dad.

We don’t know about the situation with DD1’s father and why it’s the way it is so there is no point speculating. It is just very sad that the in-laws are so discriminatory towards the whole family as in apparently helping everyone else with a property but not them. As for excluding her from a picture at a party because she’s not “blood”, words fail me. Of course they can take pictures of different family groups and that would be normal at a wedding. But at a house party? Good grief. It’s like airbrushing someone out of existence.

I agree and I have to wonder whether everyone saying ‘well it’s understandable, they’re not actually related as she’s not their real grand daughter etc etc’ would think this behaviour would be acceptable if the couple later adopted a child.

Should an adopted grandchild be left out of photos? I would guess the answer is no. So perhaps the same grace should be given to step grandchildren.

Being someone whose step family never accepted them, I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. Growing up my stepfathers family never accepted me, my older brother, and always questioned the paternity art of my younger sister, yet we were the ones they always called on when they needed things. The flip side is my paternal grandmother always accepted my younger sister who wasn’t biologically related, but she was the sister of her grandchildren and therefore family.
Its so crazy how adults are the immature ones and take out their frustrations on children who have no control over their parents relationships or lack there of.

@UndermyShoeJoe his loss without a doubt.
You read as a very special woman with great self awareness and empathy.

Insulting me are the tactics of someone who knows they aren’t really making sense.

This word “influence” is doing a lot for you here, and let’s face it , it’s pretty vague/ meaningless.

So let’s agree shall we:

1. nothing OP can do will change the fact that these GP exist (as the GP of her youngest) and her eldest daughter will be aware of their existence.

2. However, OP can ensure that her eldest dd has no interaction and relationship with these GP because their behaviour upsets her.

This is the type of boundary it’s very normal and appropriate to set when someone’s behaviour makes you feel like utter crap and has a negative influence in your life. You can’t control someone else’s behaviour- you can control their level of access to you. Yes they still exist and you may be aware of that, and they may have relationships with some of the people around you, but preventing their access to you nonetheless helps.

Hope we have finally cleared that up.

because it doesn't matter… Nobody cares

Of course it matters. That’s the whole point.

The behaviour of these people is hurting OP’s child. As the mother of this child, OP needs to protect her from this.

Its like if someone posts about their DH who is treating them like crap. pp’s will point out to the OP that DH’s behaviour is unacceptable, that it’s totally reasonable that she is hurt by it and recommend she LTB!!

Thats all that is going on here.

BUT when it comes to step parents and their treatment of step children, pp’s like you come along and get really enraged when other pp’s like point out that certain behaviour is wrong and hurtful and suggest the OP sets boundaries. It happens every time.

You want to pretend that behaviour of adults towards children in step families are immune to the usual scrutiny and judgement, and that people who are affected/ hurt by such behaviours have no agency to influence/ change things or set appropriate boundaries for themselves or their children.
And we all know why.

Adopted children and step children are not the same. OP has said adoption is not on the cards, older DD doesn't call DH dad and he isn't her dad. So what would happen with an adopted child isn't relevant. I have adopted and step children in my family,all are loved and welcomed but it's not the same thing

Multiple examples of completely making things up are the tactics of someone who doesn't understand what they're reading.

The word 'influence' is one that you used first. It does in fact have a meaning, and is not at all vague, as any good dictionary will be able to show you. I'm not sure whether you genuinely don't understand, or whether you realise that relationship and influence aren't the same thing and you wish it wasn't so obvious.

The OP has insufficient agency to prevent this situation having continual, ongoing influence on DD1. She can do some things, and we've both agreed she ought to eg not take DD1 round. That is, setting a boundary.

But any boundary OP is capable of setting will not prevent influence from being had, and there is no amount of bullshitting or throwing toys out of prams that will change any of that. OP is stuck with it. It's not actually helpful for her to pretend otherwise.

OP does seem to get that, hence the thread is about how to manage the situation going forward.

😂. Sorry but I can look up the word influence in the dictionary but it provides no insight into wtf you are on about.

To be honest, people who I have no interaction / relationship with have very little “influence” in my life. Even if they are related to other people that are related to me, and I know they exist, it really doesn’t affect me.

If that’s different for you , I’m quite confused.

It's bigger than the IL though, older DD is also upset that her friends have two bio parents and involved grandparents, OP can't stop her being connected to other DC who've got what she hasn't. Even ending the marriage/cutting off the IL won't solve the issue, older DD needs some help to manage her feelings because in life she is definitely going to have to interact with people and family set ups that aren't the same as hers and trying to prevent that isn't dealing with the issue.

Yes, confused is a good description of your attitude to this subject.

Let's use the Cambridge definition for ease.

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/influence

It says 'the power to have an effect on people or things, or a person or thing that is able to do this'

Let's also say OP did divorce DH, and DD1 didn't go to any of their family gatherings. There would be no personal relationship other than anything that arose from attendance at DD2s events.

ILs would still have the power to have an effect on her, because they would continue to be a fixture in DD2s life. DD1 would, as others have pointed out, not only know that other people have involved grandparents but also that they get relationships with their father and his family even after the partnership ends. We already know that she is affected by the ILs. This meets the dictionary definition above.

Exactly.

And listen, @UrinalCake it is perfectly understandable that you disagree with my suggestion OP should “unblend” the family- admittedly that is nuclear advice. Like when someone says LTB! Others may point out that that is reactive, hyperbolic and impractical advice. I get that. We can agree to disagree on whether that is an appropriate or proportionate reaction.

But to pretend that the advice is irrelevant. That the option is not available . That it will have no meaningful effect. That judgements about what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable treatment of others have no place in the discussion, etc, etc. All the things you have been trying to do in this particular conversation with me is a tactic that is always and only applied in these types of step parenting threads.

And that is because there is a certain community of mumsnetters who adhere to the philosophy that adults in step families are entitled to treat step children however the fuck they like . that they should be entirely immune to judgements for their behaviour and that in any case nobody can stop them, so there!

I see it on every thread and I know exactly what it’s all about.

And that is because there is a certain community of mumsnetters who adhere to the philosophy that adults in step families are entitled to treat step children however the fuck they like . that they should be entirely immune to judgements for their behaviour and that in any case nobody can stop them, so there!

I can't say I've seen that point of view on the thread. There's lots of posters saying the IL are cruel awful people, and other saying the IL are being reasonable if they're polite and nice to older DD but don't treat her the same. I don't think there are any saying adults can treat stepchildren however they like without being judged and no one can stop them haha. It seems older DD isn't the only one who needs help with bigger feelings.

No I agree, and I acknowledged that a while back (certain pps are just intent in continuing a nonsense argument).

It won’t solve all of OP’s DD’s issues- she will still suffer the loss of her dad and that side of her family. She will still see that others have relationships she doesn’t. Nothing can protect her from that.

HOWEVER, I believe that there is additional harm that comes with forcing children to blend in unwelcoming step families. It can trigger and exacerbate those wounds when dd is forced to participate/ be part of a family that gives her little crumbs , but always makes her feel like she doesn’t quite fit/ belong/ matters (eg cutting her out of group photos). Thats the harm that I’m suggesting can be reduced by unblending this family.