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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

635 replies

SpanishFork · 10/04/2025 12:17

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

OP posts:
Tandora · 12/04/2025 12:36

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 12:33

Her children will have 'such different life experiences' regardless of whether she splits with DH or not, and if anything that could make them even more divergent. She is stuck with that.

Show quote history

Yes , she is stuck with them having divergent life experiences. As all children do.

OP is not stuck with the situation of her child being upset by the behaviour of her in-laws. She can change this situation by not exposing her child to her in-laws, including through family separation.

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 12:51

Tandora · 12/04/2025 12:36

Yes , she is stuck with them having divergent life experiences. As all children do.

OP is not stuck with the situation of her child being upset by the behaviour of her in-laws. She can change this situation by not exposing her child to her in-laws, including through family separation.

Show quote history

OP is referring to a particular set of different life experiences, rather than just different per se as all children have. Worth going back and reading all her posts if you haven't already. She mentioned her hurt in the context of PILs saving for DD2. She is stuck with that, and divorce won't change it. This is why I and all the posters who have said it's important she focuses on how to manage the situation going forward are right.

Whether or not DD1 would be upset about the different life experiences in the event of a separation, you don't know. It's a vague guess with nothing to back it up, especially as we don't know what the different life experiences would look like at that point. So it was a strange point to make, especially as OP hasn't given any indication that she's considering a split.

Tandora · 12/04/2025 13:04

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 12:51

OP is referring to a particular set of different life experiences, rather than just different per se as all children have. Worth going back and reading all her posts if you haven't already. She mentioned her hurt in the context of PILs saving for DD2. She is stuck with that, and divorce won't change it. This is why I and all the posters who have said it's important she focuses on how to manage the situation going forward are right.

Whether or not DD1 would be upset about the different life experiences in the event of a separation, you don't know. It's a vague guess with nothing to back it up, especially as we don't know what the different life experiences would look like at that point. So it was a strange point to make, especially as OP hasn't given any indication that she's considering a split.

Show quote history

You keep making the same point? Yes, she is stuck with her children having divergent life experiences. Separation won’t change that. I agree.

What separation will change is her daughter being forced to blend in a family with people who behave in ways that make her feel crap. OP’s DD may still be upset that she doesn’t have a dad or grandma like her sister (/ diff life experiences), but she won’t be forced to blend/ interact/ play happy families with in-laws who make her feel rejected and worthless. It is the latter part that OP can avoid through separation. These are basic boundaries that all people- adults and children - should be entitled to regardless of biology - not to be surrounded by/ forced to interact/ have a relationship with people who make us feel crap about ourselves .

qandatime · 12/04/2025 13:04

To the posters who are saying that the family are within their right to not include the child in photos. What do you think op should do?
carry on as things are and have it affect her daughters self esteem.
Tell her husband to visit alone with the bio grandchild.
speak to the family and explain her daughters feelings, and if they won’t budge, then what?
I personally wouldn’t put my child in the middle of this and they wouldn’t be part of her life. Meaning my husband would have to visit alone with the bio child, but this comes with the risk of resentment growing in that child towards either her grandparents for making it awkward for her mum and sister or vice versa?

MummytoE · 12/04/2025 13:36

qandatime · 12/04/2025 13:04

To the posters who are saying that the family are within their right to not include the child in photos. What do you think op should do?
carry on as things are and have it affect her daughters self esteem.
Tell her husband to visit alone with the bio grandchild.
speak to the family and explain her daughters feelings, and if they won’t budge, then what?
I personally wouldn’t put my child in the middle of this and they wouldn’t be part of her life. Meaning my husband would have to visit alone with the bio child, but this comes with the risk of resentment growing in that child towards either her grandparents for making it awkward for her mum and sister or vice versa?

I think only option would be for husband and youngest to go on their own really

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 13:37

Tandora · 12/04/2025 13:04

You keep making the same point? Yes, she is stuck with her children having divergent life experiences. Separation won’t change that. I agree.

What separation will change is her daughter being forced to blend in a family with people who behave in ways that make her feel crap. OP’s DD may still be upset that she doesn’t have a dad or grandma like her sister (/ diff life experiences), but she won’t be forced to blend/ interact/ play happy families with in-laws who make her feel rejected and worthless. It is the latter part that OP can avoid through separation. These are basic boundaries that all people- adults and children - should be entitled to regardless of biology - not to be surrounded by/ forced to interact/ have a relationship with people who make us feel crap about ourselves .

Show quote history

Yes, because you kept arguing with and trying to derail it. This entire discussion started because you replied to a post of mine about how OP is stuck with this and needs to learn to manage it by irrelevantly bringing up separation.

The OP is stuck with what I said she is stuck with, separated or otherwise. I agree that there are other, different things she isn't stuck with. Whether changing them would make DD1 or OP feel better about the in laws, harder to call.

On the point of how OP actually needs to work out how to manage this rather than listen to whether anyone thinks her in laws are wrong, it would be a good idea for her to stop trying to force a relationship that doesn't exist and do other things with DD1 sometimes, rather than expect DD2 to manage the situation.

Original poster
SpanishFork · 12/04/2025 13:41

Thank you to everybody for responding.

I accept that it would be wrong to put my five year old in the middle of this, and in my defense admitted it ten pages ago.

Some of you said that I am defending my in-laws, well the fact is they are really nice people, if they weren’t I wouldn’t want either of my kids near them.

Yet they are nice people who have clear boundaries about who and who is not their grandchild.

My child is their only step grandchild.

My DH is her father figure , he treats her as his own but doesn’t see why anyone else should as long as they are kind to her.

Adoption has never been raised and is not something I want to pursue as it would mean contacting my ex.

I have actually conflated two stories, it came to me this morning when sitting in the sun while DH and DD1 played tennis (DD2 was at a friend’s house). The time when DD2 was taken out of DD1’s arms was not at the wedding but at a party when ‘Gertude’s’ grandchildren were called. DD1 would have stayed but nieces stepped in and older nephew gently suggested she go to me. I only found this out two days later.

DD1 actually articulates herself that the relationship DD2 has with her family shines a spotlight on her lack of family. She says it about her friends’ relationships as well.

In-Laws helped every child onto the property ladder and for BiL and SiL helped them again when they each upsized. They didn’t do this for us. That is their right, just like saving for DD2 but it stings and the irony about the house is that their actual biological grandchild will not be as well off as her cousins. I don’t want their money just for my daughter to be more explicitly included and seen on a par with the other grandchildren.

The advice I am taking is that for events DD- and I will absent ourselves. On Saturday I will go to my cousin’s church.

As for removing my youngest from her loving family that wouldn’t happen, my husband wouldn’t let it.

I very much much doubt she will ever give the relationship between her family and my eldest much thought. She would see it for what it is.

I am sorry I ever had the thought of putting her in the middle of this.

OP posts:
Munnygirl · 12/04/2025 13:48

OP you are doing the right thing by limiting your older daughter’s time with the step grandparents. If they ask why they don’t see you as much anymore be honest with them as to the reasons why.

InterIgnis · 12/04/2025 13:52

qandatime · 12/04/2025 13:04

To the posters who are saying that the family are within their right to not include the child in photos. What do you think op should do?
carry on as things are and have it affect her daughters self esteem.
Tell her husband to visit alone with the bio grandchild.
speak to the family and explain her daughters feelings, and if they won’t budge, then what?
I personally wouldn’t put my child in the middle of this and they wouldn’t be part of her life. Meaning my husband would have to visit alone with the bio child, but this comes with the risk of resentment growing in that child towards either her grandparents for making it awkward for her mum and sister or vice versa?

For a start, I’d recommend she face reality for what it is, and accept that she can’t force it to be how she wants it to be. Her in laws aren’t going to treat her daughter as ‘theirs’, and continuing to look for, and expect, them to do so is only going to result in further disappointment.

There’s nothing she can do to ensure an outcome that doesn’t result in resentment as a result of the disparity that exists. Se’d be best served being honest with her daughter. Her sister’s paternal family is not hers, and they’re not going to have the same relationship with her as they do their actual grandchild/niece.

The feelings the eldest has about the lack of involvement with her own paternal family are what need addressing here imo, and OP’s in laws are not responsible her papering over the cracks when it comes to that.

Tandora · 12/04/2025 14:00

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 13:37

Yes, because you kept arguing with and trying to derail it. This entire discussion started because you replied to a post of mine about how OP is stuck with this and needs to learn to manage it by irrelevantly bringing up separation.

The OP is stuck with what I said she is stuck with, separated or otherwise. I agree that there are other, different things she isn't stuck with. Whether changing them would make DD1 or OP feel better about the in laws, harder to call.

On the point of how OP actually needs to work out how to manage this rather than listen to whether anyone thinks her in laws are wrong, it would be a good idea for her to stop trying to force a relationship that doesn't exist and do other things with DD1 sometimes, rather than expect DD2 to manage the situation.

Show quote history

Yes, because you kept arguing with and trying to derail it.

Derailing what? You made your point repeatedly. I acknowledged it.

You have given your advice, I’m giving mine.

This entire discussion started because you replied to a post of mine about how OP is stuck with this and needs to learn to manage it by irrelevantly bringing up separation.The OP is stuck with what I said she is stuck with, separated or otherwise.

Sure, and several posts back I acknowledged your point and also acknowledged that we were talking at cross purposes and my point was a separate one.

Whether changing them would make DD1 or OP feel better about the in laws, harder to call.

It’s not hard to call at all. It astonishes me how so many adults apparently think it’s fine to force children into families with people who treat them like they are expendable/ don’t matter/ an added extra or an inconvenience. Yes in some situations, parts of the family don’t blend and everyone is fine with that. This situation is not one of those. OP knows that this situation is hurting her child, it’s not right to continue to impose it on her.

Tandora · 12/04/2025 14:07

Tandora · 12/04/2025 14:00

Yes, because you kept arguing with and trying to derail it.

Derailing what? You made your point repeatedly. I acknowledged it.

You have given your advice, I’m giving mine.

This entire discussion started because you replied to a post of mine about how OP is stuck with this and needs to learn to manage it by irrelevantly bringing up separation.The OP is stuck with what I said she is stuck with, separated or otherwise.

Sure, and several posts back I acknowledged your point and also acknowledged that we were talking at cross purposes and my point was a separate one.

Whether changing them would make DD1 or OP feel better about the in laws, harder to call.

It’s not hard to call at all. It astonishes me how so many adults apparently think it’s fine to force children into families with people who treat them like they are expendable/ don’t matter/ an added extra or an inconvenience. Yes in some situations, parts of the family don’t blend and everyone is fine with that. This situation is not one of those. OP knows that this situation is hurting her child, it’s not right to continue to impose it on her.

Edited
Show quote history

Furthermore it’s not about “feeling better about the in laws”- it’s abusive to suggest a child needs to “feel better” about people who hurt them. It’s about not exposing her child to the in-laws as they are people who hurt her child.

Curlycurio · 12/04/2025 14:13

@SpanishFork I think that is the right decision. As DGP have not included DD as a grandchild, I think that frees you up somewhat from the obligation of needing to prioritise their event as a family unit. What I mean is that when there is an event or invite, it's totally fine and reasonable to consider, is this something I bring eldest to or do we do something else instead? Have we been seeing in laws too much as a family and should we do something else that isn't so centred on DH's biological family? So this time around going to the church is better for all concerned. That's not to say you should NEVER attend events of DH's family as a full family unit, but more that you can pick and choose when that would be the right thing for your eldest and not automatically prioritise those events for your DD, even if DH takes youngest.

Editing to add I'm really sorry your older DD is experiencing such difficult feelings and it must be very hard to figure out what's best to do. I think you're making the right decision here and I hope you both find a way to help her feel better about what she has been through with her father's absence. It's clear how much you love her and will help her do this.

MrsWhites · 12/04/2025 14:16

SpanishFork · 12/04/2025 13:41

Thank you to everybody for responding.

I accept that it would be wrong to put my five year old in the middle of this, and in my defense admitted it ten pages ago.

Some of you said that I am defending my in-laws, well the fact is they are really nice people, if they weren’t I wouldn’t want either of my kids near them.

Yet they are nice people who have clear boundaries about who and who is not their grandchild.

My child is their only step grandchild.

My DH is her father figure , he treats her as his own but doesn’t see why anyone else should as long as they are kind to her.

Adoption has never been raised and is not something I want to pursue as it would mean contacting my ex.

I have actually conflated two stories, it came to me this morning when sitting in the sun while DH and DD1 played tennis (DD2 was at a friend’s house). The time when DD2 was taken out of DD1’s arms was not at the wedding but at a party when ‘Gertude’s’ grandchildren were called. DD1 would have stayed but nieces stepped in and older nephew gently suggested she go to me. I only found this out two days later.

DD1 actually articulates herself that the relationship DD2 has with her family shines a spotlight on her lack of family. She says it about her friends’ relationships as well.

In-Laws helped every child onto the property ladder and for BiL and SiL helped them again when they each upsized. They didn’t do this for us. That is their right, just like saving for DD2 but it stings and the irony about the house is that their actual biological grandchild will not be as well off as her cousins. I don’t want their money just for my daughter to be more explicitly included and seen on a par with the other grandchildren.

The advice I am taking is that for events DD- and I will absent ourselves. On Saturday I will go to my cousin’s church.

As for removing my youngest from her loving family that wouldn’t happen, my husband wouldn’t let it.

I very much much doubt she will ever give the relationship between her family and my eldest much thought. She would see it for what it is.

I am sorry I ever had the thought of putting her in the middle of this.

Your husband clearly isn’t the ‘wonderful man’ you say he is.

If you marry a woman with children you have to be fully in, not I’ll treat her as my own when it suits me!

These kind of people make me sick, why would biology matter to someone so much that they would remove a 10 year old child from a photograph. How awful could it be for them to see a photograph including her on their wall?

You have a DH problem! My mum met my ‘Dad’ when I was 5, I have younger siblings who are biologically his and you would never know the difference, in fact as grown ups now he is probably closest to me of us all. His entire family treated me the same as their biological grandchildren, nieces, nephews etc from day 1, perhaps I never realised how lucky I was to have encountered them as a 5 year old instead of people with attitudes like some of the people on this thread!

MrsWhites · 12/04/2025 14:19

Munnygirl · 12/04/2025 13:48

OP you are doing the right thing by limiting your older daughter’s time with the step grandparents. If they ask why they don’t see you as much anymore be honest with them as to the reasons why.

I agree with this, they’ve made it clear that they don’t consider your daughter (and therefore you) as important as biological family so I would treat them the same. If they have the cheek to bring it up, just reply that you are following their lead!

WimpoleHat · 12/04/2025 15:01

As DGP have not included DD as a grandchild, I think that frees you up somewhat from the obligation of needing to prioritise their event as a family unit. What I mean is that when there is an event or invite, it's totally fine and reasonable to consider, is this something I bring eldest to or do we do something else instead?

@Curlycurio gives some really sound advice here. And I think your seeing them as “DH’s family” rather than “family” is the way to go here - apart from anything else, it’s entirely reciprocal. I suspect that if you’re right about them being the nice people you say they are, this is also most likely to be the best way to get them to think about the situation from your/your older DD’s point of view. I hope you have a lovely time with your DD at your cousin’s church.

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 16:07

Tandora · 12/04/2025 14:00

Yes, because you kept arguing with and trying to derail it.

Derailing what? You made your point repeatedly. I acknowledged it.

You have given your advice, I’m giving mine.

This entire discussion started because you replied to a post of mine about how OP is stuck with this and needs to learn to manage it by irrelevantly bringing up separation.The OP is stuck with what I said she is stuck with, separated or otherwise.

Sure, and several posts back I acknowledged your point and also acknowledged that we were talking at cross purposes and my point was a separate one.

Whether changing them would make DD1 or OP feel better about the in laws, harder to call.

It’s not hard to call at all. It astonishes me how so many adults apparently think it’s fine to force children into families with people who treat them like they are expendable/ don’t matter/ an added extra or an inconvenience. Yes in some situations, parts of the family don’t blend and everyone is fine with that. This situation is not one of those. OP knows that this situation is hurting her child, it’s not right to continue to impose it on her.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, it is hard to call. You don't know whether the outcome of a hypothetical split would be DD1 feeling more unhappy about the in law relationships or not, and you're making assumptions. You have confused your moral take on what OP ought to do with whether you're able to predict the future.

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 16:18

Tandora · 12/04/2025 14:07

Furthermore it’s not about “feeling better about the in laws”- it’s abusive to suggest a child needs to “feel better” about people who hurt them. It’s about not exposing her child to the in-laws as they are people who hurt her child.

Edited
Show quote history

Your comprehension needs to improve before you start throwing around words like abusive. Nobody said anything about 'need'. You invented that.

DD1 is going to have continued exposure to the in laws even if she never sees them again after today. They are part of her stepfather's life and part of her sister's. Even if OP pursues the split you seem so keen on, the latter will still be true. The exposure will continue regardless of whether DD1 and OPs personal relationships do. This is baked in, OP chose it, she cannot prevent it.

You have decided that changing some things will mean OP is 'not stuck with the situation of her child being upset by the behaviour of her in-laws'. This may or may not be true, because there's more than one way for DD1 to be upset over their actions. Pointing out that you're only guessing isn't telling anyone they need to do anything. It just means you don't have the power of second sight.

Tandora · 12/04/2025 16:24

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 16:18

Your comprehension needs to improve before you start throwing around words like abusive. Nobody said anything about 'need'. You invented that.

DD1 is going to have continued exposure to the in laws even if she never sees them again after today. They are part of her stepfather's life and part of her sister's. Even if OP pursues the split you seem so keen on, the latter will still be true. The exposure will continue regardless of whether DD1 and OPs personal relationships do. This is baked in, OP chose it, she cannot prevent it.

You have decided that changing some things will mean OP is 'not stuck with the situation of her child being upset by the behaviour of her in-laws'. This may or may not be true, because there's more than one way for DD1 to be upset over their actions. Pointing out that you're only guessing isn't telling anyone they need to do anything. It just means you don't have the power of second sight.

Show quote history

DD1 is going to have continued exposure to the in laws even if she never sees them again after today. They are part of her stepfather's life and part of her sister's. Even if OP pursues the split you seem so keen on, the latter will still be true. The exposure will continue regardless of whether DD1 and OPs personal relationships do. This is baked in, OP chose it, she cannot prevent it.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous. If OP separates from her husband there is no need for her eldest (or OP herself) to have a relationship with these people. It’s completely different to being inlaws with them. As you well know.

(isn’t this also one of the reasons most people raise as to why is ok to treat step children like crap? Don’t invest as if the parents divorce you’ll never see the former step kids again etc etc….)

Tandora · 12/04/2025 16:33

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 16:07

Yes, it is hard to call. You don't know whether the outcome of a hypothetical split would be DD1 feeling more unhappy about the in law relationships or not, and you're making assumptions. You have confused your moral take on what OP ought to do with whether you're able to predict the future.

Show quote history

Of course I don’t know for certain that my advice will result in the child being happier , just as you have no idea whether your advice will help .

Neither of us have a crystal ball. We all give our best advice.
you have your opinion on what needs to be done, I have mine.

This difference is that you seem to be struggling with the idea that someone could have a relevant opinion that is different to yours. You seem to think that there is only one possible way to look at this situation and therefore only one possible course of action OP can take. This is completely false.

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 16:34

Tandora · 12/04/2025 16:24

DD1 is going to have continued exposure to the in laws even if she never sees them again after today. They are part of her stepfather's life and part of her sister's. Even if OP pursues the split you seem so keen on, the latter will still be true. The exposure will continue regardless of whether DD1 and OPs personal relationships do. This is baked in, OP chose it, she cannot prevent it.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous. If OP separates from her husband there is no need for her eldest (or OP herself) to have a relationship with these people. It’s completely different to being inlaws with them. As you well know.

(isn’t this also one of the reasons most people raise as to why is ok to treat step children like crap? Don’t invest as if the parents divorce you’ll never see the former step kids again etc etc….)

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Show quote history

It is indeed, which is why I used the word exposure rather than relationship. They have different meanings. Perhaps your inability to correctly define the two words is why you think this is gaslighting?

PILs are going to be a presence in DD2s life for the foreseeable. They'll be at DD2s events which DD1 may also attend. Their birthday, Christmas and Easter presents will be in the home DD1 shares with DD2. This could all go on well into adulthood. This all means that DD1 will be exposed to them, even if their personal relationship ends. These things all amount to continued exposure, and they're all things that DD1 could also be upset by.

And this is just the indirect exposure. If OP and DH split, DD1 will get to see what a relationship with the paternal side after separation looks like, and that will be another thing DD2 has that she doesn't. There's also the impact of their savings for DD2s adulthood but not DD1s, which will be unaffected by whether they ever see DD1 again or not.

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 16:38

Tandora · 12/04/2025 16:33

Of course I don’t know for certain that my advice will result in the child being happier , just as you have no idea whether your advice will help .

Neither of us have a crystal ball. We all give our best advice.
you have your opinion on what needs to be done, I have mine.

This difference is that you seem to be struggling with the idea that someone could have a relevant opinion that is different to yours. You seem to think that there is only one possible way to look at this situation and therefore only one possible course of action OP can take. This is completely false.

Edited
Show quote history

In fact I think we both agree that OP would be better taking DD1 to stuff away from PILs rather than trying to force a relationship that they clearly don't feel.

The difference is that you think your moral take is much more important than it actually is, when there is no moral take on PILs behaviour that's relevant here. And that OP can divorce herself away from the ongoing influence on DD1 of PILs relationship with DD2, which is wishful thinking.

However that's all the more reason for OP to take DD1 to other stuff.

GRex · 12/04/2025 16:39

The time when DD2 was taken out of DD1’s arms was not at the wedding but at a party when ‘Gertude’s’ grandchildren were called. DD1 would have stayed but nieces stepped in and older nephew gently suggested she go to me. I only found this out two days later.
So you thought that a 6yo child who had known "Gertrude" for perhaps 1 year should have been taken by other children to be a sudden cousin? And you're blaming adults for the kids arranging who was their known cousin? Had they ever even met your DD before this point?

DD1 actually articulates herself that the relationship DD2 has with her family shines a spotlight on her lack of family. She says it about her friends’ relationships as well.
Do friends' grandparents have to take her on as well, or are you going to address the actual problem? If you have no parents and aren't willing to contact her dad's mum, could you consider her adopting a lonelier adult person to be "hers"? A relative of ours adopted an elderly neighbour who we all ended up having as honorary auntie. It might help to have someone who is just hers.

Tandora · 12/04/2025 16:41

UrinalCake · 12/04/2025 16:34

It is indeed, which is why I used the word exposure rather than relationship. They have different meanings. Perhaps your inability to correctly define the two words is why you think this is gaslighting?

PILs are going to be a presence in DD2s life for the foreseeable. They'll be at DD2s events which DD1 may also attend. Their birthday, Christmas and Easter presents will be in the home DD1 shares with DD2. This could all go on well into adulthood. This all means that DD1 will be exposed to them, even if their personal relationship ends. These things all amount to continued exposure, and they're all things that DD1 could also be upset by.

And this is just the indirect exposure. If OP and DH split, DD1 will get to see what a relationship with the paternal side after separation looks like, and that will be another thing DD2 has that she doesn't. There's also the impact of their savings for DD2s adulthood but not DD1s, which will be unaffected by whether they ever see DD1 again or not.

Show quote history

Look it’s perfectly simple.

It is worse to be an in-law to someone who makes you feel like crap, than not to have to be their in-law.

Yes it won’t solve all of OP’s DD’s problems, but it will stop her from being forced to blend in a family / interact with people who make her feel like crap.

If you can’t see how blending a family is different to not blending a family, I really can’t help you .

GRex · 12/04/2025 16:44

Tandora · 12/04/2025 16:41

Look it’s perfectly simple.

It is worse to be an in-law to someone who makes you feel like crap, than not to have to be their in-law.

Yes it won’t solve all of OP’s DD’s problems, but it will stop her from being forced to blend in a family / interact with people who make her feel like crap.

If you can’t see how blending a family is different to not blending a family, I really can’t help you .

Show quote history

The problem is that unblending - her sister will still get everything and she still will not. Worse, now they won't even see her nor do Christmas presents, because that's what her mum wants. So she's feel rejected again by the step dad and his family. This is not a fix, helping DD1 understand and building her self esteem is the fix.

Helpmeplease2025 · 12/04/2025 16:46

From what OP says of her DC, the problem runs much deeper than the IL’s; DC is getting upset when she sees her friends have the relationships with paternal family that she doesn’t, and got very upset at a Doctor realising she had no contact with them.

If I was OP, I would be getting DC some help to process her feelings. Expecting her IL’s to stand in is a red herring.