To tell child not to be in any photos without her sister

[SpanishFork]

I have issues with my in-laws excluding my eldest daughter who is my husband’s stepdaughter from photographs. This upsets my eldest.

BiL has two sets of children with the elder ones in their twenties, I saw FiL talking to one of them and the nephew then chatted to the elder siblings and cousins and they then took turns to take photos. When my eldest took the photos instructions were given to her and it is ALWAYS these photos that appear at in-laws so pictures of bio grandchildren without my daughter.

On Easter Saturday can I instruct my five year old not to stand in any photos with her cousins without her sister?

The difference is that you think your moral take is much more important than it actually is, when there is no moral take on PILs behaviour that's relevant here

This is interesting and revealing..

I’m giving my opinion based on what I think would help OP’s child. Presumably you are doing the same..?

I think the problem here is that it is your “moral take” that the in-laws are entitled to behave exactly as they please (without consequence), so you can’t accept that setting a boundary is even an available course of action for the OP and her child. The idea that a boundary could be set is an affront to you.

The issue is not that OP’s child needs to get everything her sister does. That’s never going to happen. Throwing her crumbs- like a token Xmas present- doesn’t help either.

The issue is that OPs eldest is being forced to integrate into a family that sees her as irrelevant and disposable. That will inevitably impact her self esteem. She should not be forced to integrate with these people.

Your 5 year old can't force that to happen, unfortunately. It's rough for your older daughter, has she asked granny why there aren't any photos of her up in their home?
My mil does the same with me. Photos of all sorts of family combinations which miraculously don't include me. She's a CF, at our wedding she marched over to the photographer and said 'now I want you to take a photo of me, partner, and my grandchildren. Not her.' (pointing at me). There are lots of nice photos of our wedding but guess which one she has displayed?! I am sending solidarity and thoughts to your daughter. People who should know better can be very cruel.

She's a CF, at our wedding she marched over to the photographer and said 'now I want you to take a photo of me, partner, and my grandchildren. Not her.' (pointing at me).

omg!!!

They have not treated the girl as "irrelevant and disposable" based on what OP has said, they are kind to her and buy her gifts. Some kids didn't see her as a cousin on one occasion 4 years ago when she'd barely joined the family and they might never have met her. The DH is not allowed to be "Daddy", that is enforced by OP, who is then upset about ISAs. Nobody even asked the GPs to put up a photo. She needs to learn how to cope with not having bio dad interested in her, stop making it the fault of her step dad's family.

So your solution is to force the daughter to continue attending theses family gathering and feel just as if not more crap about herself? Most parents would not subject their children to this treatment. I certainly wouldn’t..

What a witch! I hope your other half has stood up for you

You are so sympathetic to a 9 year old who in your opinion “needs to learn”. Quite staggering

Oh my god I would never have allowed that photo to go to print! The nerve of the woman!

Of course they are! She is irrelevant and disposable in the context of the family- because she’s not even considered to be a member of it. So much so that they don’t even want to see her face included in a group photo! Understandably this is hurtful to OP’s DD’s feelings and not good for her self esteem because she is a child .

Interesting truncation, missing "to cope". We all need to learn to cope with sub-optimal parts of life. Some people have to learn to cope with illness or physical disability, this girl needs to learn to cope with the mental harm caused by her father and his family. It's no good being sympathetic but pretending that ignoring her sister's family will help, when OP already said she gets upset about friends' families too. The problem needs to be dealt with head-on.

The more I think about it after reading your update, @SpanishFork, the more I think the “step back” strategy is your best option. In the worst case, nothing much changes but you shield your older DD a bit from having to confront the reality of her situation versus that of her younger half sister. But in the best case, it might lead to some positive change.

If I’ve got the measure of your PILs correctly from your post, they are decent, family oriented people - but from the sort of affluent background that makes them very sensitive to any sort of whiff of entitlement. And possibly, when their son married someone with a child, they got a bit antsy about the repercussions of this and had conversations themselves all g the lines of “we shouldn’t be expected to save/provide in the same way for another man’s child” and took a firm “we are not her grandparents” stance. At the same time, though, they are decent enough to buy a Christmas gift and an Easter egg etc - because they would always want to be kind to a child.

Your pulling back is bound to raise questions. “Where’s Spanish?”. It’s bound to. And - let’s be honest - the first couple of times might be seen as a positive for them (they can get their “grandchildren” photos all day to their hearts’ content). But after a while? If they’re decent people, they are going to ask why. And wonder if they’ve upset you. And that then opens up the possibility of a proper conversation about how your DD1 feels about her lack of paternal family versus her friends and her sister. And you can paint it back to them “of course, nothing that can be done about her father’s useless family. She’s not your grandchild and you’ve always been so thoughtful to include her in presents and invite her to things…..”. But it will make them stop and think. How you’ve written here about your DD really makes me feel for her - and I’m very much of the notion that it’s perfectly understandable for them not to see her as a grandchild. But they’ll then have much more of an insight into how she feels -and they’ll maybe wonder if they could have been kinder. If it would have been nice to send a birthday card, or buy a bigger Christmas gift. If the party when she wasn’t there might have looked a bit exclusionary. And then maybe there’ll be an invitation along the lines of “and we do hope DD1 will come”. And if she does come, there’ll be a little more interest shown in her and those relationships can start to develop naturally. And maybe everyone (and especially DD1 herself) can feel more comfortable with her place in the family, even if it’s as a person in her own right and not a grandchild.

A lot of this is pure speculation, of course, but I do think taking some positive action will help you and your older DD either way.

She’s 9. She doesn’t need to learn to cope just yet

Very eloquently put

@SpanishFork

Thanks for the update OP. I actually wouldn't describe your DH's parents as 'kind'. They sound like the sort of affluent family that are very hot on good manners and treating guests well.

However, I find it telling that your DH is the only one of their children not to receive any help with buying a property. This is because they would be worried about you and your daughter (non-blood family) benefitting from their money. They feel so strongly about this that they prefer not to help their own son get on the property ladder, which would also benefit their blood-related grandchild, than risk any of the money trickling down to you and your daughter.

You have made the right decision to reduce the time that your older daughter spends with them.

My God. If your husband tolerates this, divorce him. It's horrendous behaviour.

It's mad to me that OP splitting from her DH is suggested as a solution to this problem. No where has OP suggested that she is unhappy in her relationship or that this is something on her radar.

This is the situation they are in and splitting the marriage because DHs parents are polite and kind but don't take older DD as their grandchild is a wild overreaction. And won't even save the problem as older DD would still see her sister getting what she hasn't got, a dad and an extended family.

Not taking older DD to DHs family events and doing something nice with her instead, plus maybe getting her some support with her feelings around her father's absence, seems a much less nuclear option.

No where has OP suggested that she is unhappy in her relationship.

No- she has said her child is unhappy. I wouldn’t want to subject my child to a blended family situation that was making them unhappy.

But the being in a blended family ship had sailed! Do you advocate taking away younger DDs nuclear family in order that older DD doesn't have to be in a blended family? OP is trying to balance more than one person's needs and wishes

Do you advocate taking away younger DDs nuclear family in order that older DD doesn't have to be in a blended family?

It’s a tricky one, but overall I don’t think it would be right to stay in a family set up that wasn’t working for one of my children- rather better to find an alternative that - although perhaps not ideal- could at least work for everyone. (Of course this is easy to say as someone not in this situation- obviously life is so much more complex than that, and not meaning to judge OP).

I agree with your eldest not being around your husbands parents so much.
They actually don't sound like very nice people towards your husband.
I also agree that I don't think your husband is a great man.
I really feel for your eldest.
She carrys a painful burden for a child.

Completely agree.

If a son or daughter has a step child who they are embracing as part of a new family then I think grand parents should follow suit. I appreciate that love for that child may not grow in the same way but some of the grandparents on MN are unkind towards step grand-children by behaving in this way.

It’s about kindness and compassion towards children. Imagine the hurt a young child might feel when they realise this is happening:(

Shark officially jumped!

You don't need to deliberately destroy the little one's happiness because the older one is struggling FFS. As had been explained many times, it still won't fix the older one anyway when she sees Michelle up the road going off on holiday with grandparents. The older one needs help and support, not losing her step dad too.

I think the biggest issue which is what’s triggering op for want of a better word is her child basically having an identity crisis. She doesn’t have a family in the way her sister or friends do and that’s what she’s ultimately struggling with. She doesn’t feel
she fits anywhere and op apart from therapy cannot fix that. She stays with dh and her sister has this whole huge family, they split sister still goes off to this huge family while her other family cnba.

Which is you listen to step child a lot of us will tell you even if both parents do parent lovely. Even if it’s a 50:50 split we often never feel we belong that we are just interlopers in someone else’s family. Because if a split family and the other parent is around there is two households that often contain full time children so we don’t belong we are visitors in both houses it can often feel.

Take away one of those parents and you can now add on abandonment. We weren’t good enough for them to stick around while my sibling had two parents together and an extended family everything I don’t have. Why doesn’t my other parent want me, why want I good enough.

This is deeper for the ops daughter than a photo opportunity or not being a bridesmaid. It’s about the feelings of not fitting and her entire father’s family not wanting her. That’s why she’s embarrassed/ ashamed when it’s mentioned. That’s why op doesn’t like how her bils children happily throw around half’s about themselves because it’s a constant wound opener for her child who needs more help inside.

Shark officially jumped!

sorry what?

You don't need to deliberately destroy the little one's happiness because the older one is struggling FFS.

Deliberately destroying the little one’s happiness 🫣. Is that how you view separation? No one should be forced into a blended family that is toxic for them, for the sake of two people being under the same roof.

As had been explained many times, it still won't fix the older one anyway when she sees Michelle up the road going off on holiday with grandparents.

as has been explained many times, no that issue will not be fixed. The issue that will be fixed is forcing a child to have a relationship with people who make her feel bad about herself.