To expect an engagement ring to cost at least 3 months salary?

[ThisPeppyRoseBiscuit]

It’s not about being materialistic, it’s about commitment and symbolism. I wouldn’t say yes to a cheap ring. If he can spend on tech, trainers, or cars, he can save for a proper ring. AIBU to hold this standard?

Personally I’d prefer an engagement horse and a cheap ring

Back in the 1970s jewellers used to advertise that an engagement ring should cost a month's salary. Never heard of three and even one month's I think is too much. Value the marriage not the material things that attach to it.

It is about falling for the marketing of a diamond company that had historic allegations of involvement in blood diamonds.

De Beers 1930s.

DH and I set a budget for our rings along with every other part of getting married. We chose it together and it was perfect for me. We ended up spending a little bit more than planned on the wedding rings and less on the engagement ring for me. So glad because I don’t even wear my engagement ring now anyway.
It cost less than 10% of your 3 month guideline but our marriage has lasted a lot longer than the women I knew who thought it should be a month’s salary+

If my DH had spent that I'd have thought he was fucking stupid

Makes no sense to me - asking you to marry him is asking you to share his finances.

I wouldn’t want to share finances with someone who’d just spend 3 months salary on a ring!

That's what you should have led with @ThisPeppyRoseBiscuit

Rather than, he has to spend X so I know that he's serious

This is 2025. Why do you expect him to waste three months' salary on something so trivial? Are you saving up the same amount to blow on something to show your commitment to him?

I had an eternity ring when I had my Son 30 years ago.Sadly I managed to lose it ! Insured ,and we replaced it with some of DM money on top when she passed away. I have finished chemo and hands are quite swollen . So without both wedding and eternity rings for a few weeks until swelling reduces .I think whatever ring you choose has to be "you" .Mine is special and I treasure it .Obv not a 50 quid job for you,but not one you are frightened to go out in!

Surely the wedding ring is more important? And they are relatively cheap.
I don't wear my engagement ring much these days. I first took it off when I had a baby and found myself clonking it against her head. I've had it for 31 years and I'm afraid of damaging it now. As for the cost, it came from Argos!! But it has a gorgeous stone with small diamonds around it. So I'm trying to say, not worth spending a fortune, IMO. Just find a nice bloke who wants to commit to you.

Engagement rings became a thing when women stopped being able to sue men who left them at the alter for breach of promise. The value was thought to equate to the value of the woman’s virtue.

Bullshit its not materialistic. He's just buying you like a cheap pair of shoes.

If it was about commitments then you'd be more interested in taking that ring money and putting toward "something for you both as a couple" - a house, the wedding, a honeymoon etc.

Least be honest with yourself.

I want equality - but you have to spent a fortune on a ring 💍

I however don't buy you fuck all. 😆

I like a bit of bling so was delighted with the 1ct antique diamond DH bought me 25 years ago. It was a lot for him at the time in our early 20s but certainly not 3 mths salary.

10 years later he bought me an absolute rock of a diamond. Still not 3mths salary though.

There is a weird reverse snobbery re engagement rings on MN. There’s actually nothing wrong with liking something that didn’t cost 19.99 at the market.

You know that was a marketing wheeze by Tiffany, right?

Neither commitment nor symbolism need to be monetised

You sound very immature and very grabby. Perhaps he shouldnt bother at all. I see a life of nothing ever being good enough for you. He should cut his losses and find someone who loves him for him not for how much he can spend on her.

Totally agree @DancingNotDrowning
There's SUCH a reverse snobbery on here!

It's entirely possible to have

A beautifulring
Multiple beautiful rings
A wedding not in a pub or village hall
To buy a nice house
To go on holidays

And.....still have a good, healthy, happy marriage!

The same boring lazy old tropes are still being trotted out here!

Ive just read the old chestnut presented as FACT - the more money spent on the wedding the less happy you'll be......

It's like it's some sort of badge of honour or moral superiority to have a cheap ring & wedding. These things are no guarantee of happy marriages either!

It's a hangover from the days when a woman effectively became a man's property when they married. You had to have an expensive ring because you were signing your life over and going forward would have no independence and basically be a domestic servant. If you want to live in that type of relationship then that's your choice I guess.

I hate to see a ring proffered during a proposal- it's inviting the recipient to judge if the offering is tempting enough, and it makes it harder to say No. I believe a proposal should be about committing to a marriage, not saying Yes in return for a ring. Make your proposal with empty hands and then choose the best ring you can easily afford.
I have a very beautiful engagement ring and feel lucky every time I see it, even after 30 years. But it wasn't part of the deal when I agreed to marry the love of my life.

PPs much more clever than me. AI-based marketing by an interested party? Perhaps backfired given the nature of the forum and posts. Unless a clever reverse by an anti-consumerist group?

Dear AI, happy to PM if you'd like a chat or recommendations - in this case, perhaps seek a younger, more pre-engagement-focused demographic in another forum? If you have to post on this forum, perhaps go for an 'eternity ring after I gave him a baby' pitch then a 'have the engagement ring re-set after I LTB'?

If you are an AI, please don't let this forum's tone cause you to lose your optimistic view of romance.

Good luck.

I thought expensive diamond rings are totally out of fashion, they're gross.

The problem with your suggestion is also that the moment you make that commitment, it's sort of your money too. Would you rather that money is spent on a fab holiday/honeymoon or on a ring that you can't even wear these days as you'll get robbed?

It also comes with an underlying expectation that he is the provider and your job is to be the princess worthy of the ring. All lovely stuff until real life hits.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Mine cost £100 and I still love it. Fast forward 20 years and we could afford more but I'd be furious if he spent 3 months wages on one!

I'll take my $20 engagement ring, and 31 year marriage over a ring that cost £££'s, anyday. For us, it was about the marriage, not the bling. I don't think what you are talking about is 'standards' per se, more you conflating value with cost.

I've noticed the same about the reverse snobbery.

(MN weddings are always uber modest as well)

These comments are really amusing me now!!

When did it become a RULE that if you can't have a good marriage unless you have a £20 ring??

@mbosnz I have an expensive ring (by mn standards anyway!) & a long & very happy 23 year marriage!

@HelloSunshine346 we also had a really wonderful honeymoon

And guess what? I also work & have a successful career! My dh bought the engagement ring. He had it made & paid for it.

We paid for the wedding rings together ❤️

We also paid for the honeymoon together

We have a v equal relationship & we've both taken turns at being the stay at home parent. And we've both supported each other to pursue & be successful in our careers.