To expect an engagement ring to cost at least 3 months salary?

[ThisPeppyRoseBiscuit]

It’s not about being materialistic, it’s about commitment and symbolism. I wouldn’t say yes to a cheap ring. If he can spend on tech, trainers, or cars, he can save for a proper ring. AIBU to hold this standard?

My husband bought me the most beautiful sapphire ring from a little curio shop in Lulworth Cove for a pittance really. I have cherished and loved it for 50 years.

You sound extremely materialistic and very immature.
You can commit to someone without making grand gestures or spending thousands of pounds.
I think you probably shouldn't get married until you grow up a bit.

As soon as I saw the words 'to hold this standard?' I couldn't decide if this was AI or the poster from the last couple of weeks who wanted her husband to maintain a certain standard and post a mothers day message on social media.....
Either way you are being materialistic.

3 months salary is a lot. Is that take home or before tax? Let’s call it £2000 a month take home. 3 months would be a £6k ring, which is a huge amount of money. The perfect ring could be £2.5k - still a massive amount of money, but not enough?

As others have said, I think the issue is that you’ve mentioned him spending money on tech etc, so maybe you’re seeing that he considers his hobbies to be more worthwhile than you. But what if he stopped that, and put the hypothetical £6k towards a house deposit for you both? Or towards the wedding? Would that be enough to show that he was more financially committed to you than to his hobbies?

Yes I think that is what it is about

DH and I got engaged when his earnings were a quarter of what they are now (young) and we were saving to buy a house - extravagantly spending on a ring was not something I wanted (especially now it no longer fits my fingers were small back then)

I assume he has no issue spending frivolous amounts on himself

I think it’s more important that they show that throughout the relationship , rather than a one off big moment.

If they don’t make you a priority and feel valued ,respected and important, spunking an arbitrary amount on a ring won’t change that. In the same vein, a good ,healthy, loving and respectful relationship isn’t any less that because the ring is a couple hundred instead of thousands.

Its not materialistic you say... as you put a minimum price on your Dowry as you sell yourself to the highest bidder not the person you love.

My engagement ring was £99.

I could have cost 9.99 and I would have been happy with it. It's what it symbolises that matters, not how much it costs.

If I was a bloke and my potential future fiance was demanded I spent a ridiculous amount of money on a ring, she would not be my fiance, ever. I'd run for the hills

3 months salary for me is more than I put down as a deposit on my house.

I mean, your choice if you think that's important, it's completely made up by De Beers (I think) to sell more diamonds.

How long would it take you to save three months of your salary?

I think you're not thinking logically at all here, you say you're not materialistic but everything about this post screams materialism, despite what you might say.

This is crazy. For my dp that would be almost 40k! I have said Id like lab grown or moissanite if I were ever lucky enough for him to ask me and for the size I like it would be around 3k. That’s a comfortable number for both of us and I think that’s what’s most important.

YABU

In this economy i'd be furious if he spent that kind of money on a ring, there is so much more important in a committed adult relationship than a ring that cost £5k+

I'd rather he bought me a new car tbh.

PS my engagement ring cost about £300 but we have a house and children together - if those don't show commitment I don't know why a ring makes a difference!

What are you spending 3 months salary on to
show your commitment to him?

YABU. Apart from anything else, you would be asking for trouble.

My engagement ring was about 1 month of DP's salary which paid for a Victorian three stone ring, a half carat sapphire set with two smaller diamonds, in platinum, with an 18ct gold ring.

I wouldn't feel safe wearing anything more valuable on an everyday basis. As it is I wear gloves to cover my ring if I'm travelling alone in London or other cities.

My ring cost less than £100, 24 years ago. DH wasn't earning much at the time and I would have been livid if he'd spent a ridiculous amount of money. As it was, I picked the ring I loved best, and still do, all these years later. And we're still very happily married. It's not about monetary values at the end of the day.

What a lot of nonsense you are spouting about values and commitment etc. when of course you are materialistic and it's about the money 😂

I think it’s the thought that counts. My husband bought me a perfect ring I tried on in an antique shop. It was £100. He saw me try it and popped out secretly later to buy it. Better than any 10K ring.

If my husband had spent three months' salary on my engagement ring I would have thought he was a reckless spendthrift and thought twice about marrying him.

Who says they'd be spending on themselves? Surely it would be being spent on bills, housing and food for you both mostly.
If it's just excess then how much are you expecting them to save each month and for how long. This could mean years of saving!

If my DH had of spent 3 months salary, I would have been aghast. That’s 3 months salary off a mortgage or a larger deposit! I know which I’d prefer!

That’ll be more than 10 grand. Add the wedding cost and then the wedding ring, etc , thats insane. I mean will you spend that on a wedding ring for him?
I’ve been happily married for 15 years and both my engagement and wedding rings didn’t cost £300 when we got married. I loved them
both. He bought me a new wedding ring for our 10 year anniversary as we were in a better financial position which I love and it was still less than 1 month salary. I hope he sees this red flag and runs far away when he can

The history is interesting, maybe more so than this thread.

De Beers myth: Do people spend a month's salary on a diamond engagement ring? - BBC News

Prior to the 1930s, presenting a woman with a diamond engagement ring was not the norm. Even on the eve of World War Two, a mere 10% of engagement rings contained diamonds. By the end of the 20th Century, 80% did.
In the 1930s, at the start of the De Beers campaign, a single month's salary was the suggested ring spend. In the 1980s in the US, it became two months. One advert featured a pouting woman, a scarf, a finger, a diamond ring and the words: "Two months' salary showed the future Mrs Smith what the future would be like."
Another did away with the woman, the pout and the finger, leaving only a diamond ring against a black background and the question: "How can you make two months' salary last forever?"

What sacrifices do you plan on making to show your level of commitment to him?

The three months' salary nonsense was dreamt up by a marketing person to sell expensive rings. If you've fallen for that you're a mug. I'd rather put the money towards paying down my mortgage - a home is a proper symbol of commitment, not a shiny stone wrenched out of the scarred earth by an exploited worker in the developing world.

Neither did ours! I'd have been furious with DH if he wasted money like that but I did marry a man with some financial acumen. Wedding was £10k, engagement ring roughly £1k. We have been happily married for many years.

OP, it sounds like your issue isn't the cost of a hypothetical engagement ring.... it's that your partner doesn't prioritise you and fritters money away on trainers.