To expect an engagement ring to cost at least 3 months salary?

[ThisPeppyRoseBiscuit]

It’s not about being materialistic, it’s about commitment and symbolism. I wouldn’t say yes to a cheap ring. If he can spend on tech, trainers, or cars, he can save for a proper ring. AIBU to hold this standard?

For me, it’s not about the cost itself, it’s about whether they’ve made an effort that reflects the seriousness of the moment

But making an effort doesn't have to mean spending ££££; it could equally involve sourcing something ususual which means a lot because of where it came from or whatever

I agree, though, that if someone lashes out a fortune on their own interests then a cheapie ring might seem a bit off, but isn't this the sort of purchase most couples discuss before making it?

Mad and extremely avaricious. Unless he’s seriously well off, I don’t think more than a grand is morally right.

Crikey OP that's the deposit on a house. Waht a waste!

If he proposed and said 'look I've got £12k in an ISA I am saving for us to buy a home together - yes, financially savvy as well as committed - well that would gladden my heart

With that logic I would have a £15k ring! Which is ridiculous, I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing it and would be angry with my husband if he spent that much (not that he ever would).
We picked my ring together and he gave me a rough idea of what he wanted to spend before (although I did go slightly over budget 😅)

What a load of shite. My engagement ring was £100. It’s 20 years later and we’re still happily married.

My ring was around 1750 I think, there is no way I would have wanted a ring over 10 grand!

I think if they are cutting corners in all things concerning you then yes it's a red flag.

But with an engagement ring, as you can see from the responses here, different people attach different importance to it. If you explain the monetary importance of a ring to your partner he can decide if he agrees or if he wants to make you happy, and plan accordingly. If the ring he chooses is not expensive enough for you then you have different priorities and best to find out before you get married.

My DH got me a small diamond which I love. I wish he had discussed it with me and got something more ethical like cubic zirconium and I think he would have loved that idea too. But hey-ho, we are compatible and agree on most things.

OP - three months salary is INSANE. Even a months salary is in insane in this climate.

I think you are saying that you want the purchase to represent effort and commitment. On that basis I would say you would hope that someone would spend a 'little' outside of their everyday comfort zone. In other words, make a financial saving elsewhere in order to afford it, rather than pick something that you can afford to buy with your 'every day' disposable income.

I don't know if I am explaining it well but maybe 'No, I'm not going on that boys weekend this time because I am putting the money I would have spent towards the ring' - that shows effort.

But 'I can't afford to pay any mortgage, bills or living expenses for three months because i have spent the entirety of three months salary on a ring....' that's ridiculous.

"It’s not about being materialistic"

It absolutely is though @ThisPeppyRoseBiscuit

Some people put more emphasis on elaborate proposals, engagement rings and fancy weddings.

Some people put more emphasis on the marriage itself.

For me, it was important to know that we had a solid relationship and shared values. I wasn't really bothered about all of the trimmings. Tbh, if that's your main focus, you should probably rethink whether you actually want to get married at all. It really isn't about the ring or the party.

I mean, I'm not knocking anyone's prefences on rings etc, but for me it's more about what the ring represents than how much it costs. Neither me nor my partner are particularly well off and I'd be happy with an £80 Pandora ring as an engagement ring because its about the person for me, not the ring

I wouldn’t wear a ring that was three months his salary! However, “not a cheap ring” I agree with. If you can’t reach in your pocket the sentiment involved doesn’t really carry the same weight. It is a promise and commitment and it’s meant to last forever.

I would argue outside of the ridiculous high street jeweller prices you can pay much less for much more. With much more variety. There are so many independent jewellers.

For myself I would think that 700-1200 would be a very fair budget that I would feel is more than fair. This isn’t one months salary for my DP but it’s no small chunk of change either.

IME engagement ring price and wedding cost is inversely correlated with quality and longevity of marriage.

There was some clever marketing by De Beers concerning the 'diamond is forever' then the one month then three months then six months salary value of the engagement ring. Exceptional contribution to historical company profits rather than rings. Clever marketing and social pressure but nothing to do with commitment.

If a DP is more bothered about spending on trainers then that's a different kettle of fish.

What do you plan to buy for your DP when the time comes? Will it be three months of his salary or yours?

Final thing to be helpful, the last three rings I saw that retailefd for more than £10,000 with a vanity 'insurance valuation' of twice that, were worth a few hundred when the marriages failed swiftly.

Nonsense. My engagement ring didn't even cost 1 months salary but my dh is the most committed, responsible, loving and giving man I know. I also didn't chose my ring. By today's standards you would consider it very small and probably wasn't even on trend when we were engaged but our engagement wasn't about that for me. Our wedding wasn't mega expensive either. Happily married for 18 years and still going strong.

Money doesn't buy happiness. What is more important are his day to day actions. Is he a man that will stay awake and hold you all night because you had a mc, will he pick up the slack when he comes home from work and you've been at home with a newborn and the house looks like a bomb has gone off and there no food and he won't raise an eyebrow, he will just take the baby, put you to bed and order a takeaway for you. Will he look after the kids so you can go away for work or with friends. Will he laugh with you when you go out and drink too many cocktails (more than one because you're lightweight) then hold your hair when you are puking and make you breakfast in bed in the morning. Will he be kind to your family and friends. Does he have integrity. None of this is measured by what he spends on you.

We've seen this word "standard" used more than once recently in similar contexts...

For us that would mean the ring was worth 36k and there's no way I'd walk around with that on my hand.

Honestly I see where you're coming from but I think three months is the wrong proportion.

I'm a jeweller and even I don't agree with this!
I thought it was 1 months salary and that was a made up "tradition" by a diamond house anyway.

People should spend what they are comfortable with, one of the first questions we ask people is their budget and make the best ring we can to their taste, within their price range whether that's £800 or £8000 or more. Lab grown diamonds mean those with smaller budgets can get a decent size diamond. And without the ongoing expense of insuring it.

Even if you had a lot to spend lots of people won't feel comfortable wearing a ring worth £££, or have different priorities for their money.

Having said that, if a partner knew you liked fine jewellery and had lots of disposable income that they spent on luxuries for themselves, it might seem unreasonable to give you a £50 dress ring, for example.

The three-month salary guideline is from a De Beers marketing campaign. It’s not some meaningful tradition.

Diamonds have no intrinsic value.

Maybe you should ask your young intended to purchase a new boiler or something? That would show true commitment.

My first ring was £600 and I loved it, when I turned 40 which was ten years later he gave me a new one and I found out it cost £7k. Don’t get my wrong it’s a beautiful ring but it scares me to wear something so expensive and the £600 was fine!

It’s a crazy idea!

As many posters have stated upthread, the idea of having a diamond engagement ring came from De Beers in a 1947 ad campaign and the really clever placement of diamond rings in Hollywood love movies.

It started as one month’s salary and then got upgraded to 2 months in the 1980s.

But, obviously, saving 3 months salary could take a long time depending on how much of your monthly salary is disposable. It could easily take a year.

I know this is old fashioned but the only point in getting engaged is to get married. Why delay it until you have saved for a ludicrous bauble?

Marriage is a massive commitment as anyone who has gone through the divorce process knows. It is massively costly and time consuming and, if you are the richer party, hugely expensive.

(And, incidentally, the eternity ring was also invented by De Beers when they had a surplus of small valueless diamonds-brilliant marketing really).

I don't think it is the price of the ring. My personal "dream ring" is £300. And I want to be there when it is bought. 3 months salary is just something made up.

However, I do think it is more about the effort. Like if the man has been postponing the engagement so he can save up for a ring and then shows up with a £20 ring from amazon. That does send a message. Or him buying expensive watches and Then refusing to spend any cash on the ring. That sends a message.

I was wondering that too, the phrasing doesn’t seem very natural to me, plus op hasn’t really responded to many questions

My husband spent £0 on my engagement ring. It belonged to his grandmother and I absolutely love it, all the more for the family history.

It’s absolutely materialistic. If you need him to fork out three months’ salary in order to show enough commitment for you to say “Yes”, you shouldn’t be marrying him. You should know he's committed to you through his everyday actions, not a one off splurge. If you don’t, you aren’t ready for marriage.

How are you planning on showing commitment to him? You’re doing the opposite by making marriage contingent on an expensive gift. It’s a two way street. “She won’t marry me because her ring wasn’t £££ even though I chose something I thought she’d love” is a huge red flag and he’d be told to run a mile. Why does he have to show you commitment through money specifically, when you aren’t required to make the same commitment to him?

3 months salary would be circa £30k. I wouldn't be comfortable wearing a ring of that value on a daily basis (or ever!).

I chose my ring, it is a beautiful vintage diamond and sapphire ring and cost about £3k. I love it.