AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

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My BIL has a very successful career, so my DSis gave up work 10 years ago before having DC. From the outside, they have a dream life…huge house in a desirable area, multiple luxury holidays a year, two lovely DC at a top private school, and lots of help (cleaners, ironing services, etc.). Both DC are in school, so DSis has most of the day to herself.

Despite this, she constantly complains about how exhausting and stressful her life is - how she’s always “running around like a headless chicken” with no time for anything. She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day, though she recently let slip she goes to a health spa most days for classes and sauna.

Meanwhile, DH and I both work full-time in demanding and stressful jobs. We earn well, but we’re tied to a big mortgage and can’t afford to drop an income (which I’d love to be able to do, even temporarily). Life feels like a constant stress and struggle.

I know our situation isn’t unique, but it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?! That seems to be the case with her. AIBU to feel so resentful?

But if you have school age children, what work is there for the 30 hours a week the children are at school, that is not also done by a working parent? Do they spend 30 hours making their house extra clean, or spend all day cooking elaborate banquets? No, because as I know first hand as my mum was a sahm, they spend the majority at lunch, at tennis, golf, spa, art class, yoga and coffee mornings.

I know what the pp means though - "unemployed" to me means being out of work but job hunting or unable to work or similar. Actively choosing not to work and having financial means to do so (via savings/property or marriage etc) isn't the same I don't think?

Also (and I'll preface by saying I'm a working parent btw) I always find it odd how some people say on one hand "well once kids are in school there's no reason really not to work" BUT ALSO constantly complain about "the juggle" of working around short school hours, holidays, illness etc and moaning about paying for childcare to fill in gaps... You can't have it both ways. I'd absolutely stay home more if I could and I don't look at people who are home who have school aged kids and get judgy about "what could they POSSIBLY be doing?"

She does seem to be lacking in self awareness. It would irritate me too. I didn’t work when the kids were small, and they were in nursery 2 days a week, because I’m disabled and I just don’t have the energy levels of an able bodied person. I was always very aware how lucky we were to be able to afford to do that and would never have dared complain about how exhausted I was, and believe me I was exhausted, because I could see my friends working full time with young kids finding it hard and it would have been extremely insensitive of me to say anything. Maybe she is depressed or something as other posters suggest, but she does seem very self absorbed and I don’t think I’d be terribly sympathetic.

She's looking after her children, no?

This is so true! Well said.

Everyone has stresses in their life, rich or poor, employed or unemployed….. But we should all be decent human beings and read the room before moaning about the stresses in our lives, to someone who clearly has it harder than us.

I used to work as the Nanny to a billionaire family - multiple homes around the world, private jet and yacht etc. The Mum hadn’t worked for over a decade, yet had 3 Nannies on a 24/7 rota, Housekeepers in every house, PA, private Chef. And boy did she moan to me all the time about how stressful and busy her life was! And then after my 12 hour shift I would get the train and bus home to my 1 bed flat with a broken shower and mould on the walls! I wanted to shake to woman. Yes she certainly had stress in her life - but moan to other billionaire Mums and not your Nanny!

If you've asked her without any results I'd just disengage from it. Don't let it bother you. Some of my friends who have retired claim to be so, so, busy. I just find it mildly irritating - nothing I can do about it really.

"... it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. "

She's your sister. Why are you not just laughing in her face and telling her to pull the other one?

I voted YABU because I think you should tell her to STFU.

I suspect her biggest problem is that she has nothing useful to do with her time.

You will never understand from the outside what people's life's are actually like so it's unfair to judge

Maybe its the fact that she's not working that means she's ruminating and worrying about things.
I actually find at times that work takes my mind off things because I'm having to concentrate on things, engage with people etc.

Yes because they’re not employed ???

Some people are moaners regardless of what position they are in. She is probably one of those.

She's classed as being economically inactive not unemployed.

I can understand where you are coming from, but I think your attitude to this is a bit simplistic op. We know that people aren’t necessarily happier for a start after a certain income point. And as your dsis is now the designated go-to person for everything domestic and child-related, and her husband does all of the earning, she may feel burdened by lack of autonomy, equality and control in her situation, which can lead to frustration, feelings of worthlessness and depression. Constant moaning can be a symptom of depression btw. Everything isn’t always how it looks from the outside,

One of the central themes that married people argue about is the balance of power in the relationship, and in a high earning man + sahm situation, it is common for that balance to be out of whack.

Also, until you have dc, and are in this situation, it’s difficult to know how your personal experience of being a sahm will turn out, as there are no formal rules surrounding your role, and none surrounding your financial “payment” either, so the success of the partnership depends to some extent on how much the husband values the wife, and to a certain extent, on how much she values herself. And on how open and transparent he (or she*) is about finances and to what extent he allows her to make financial decisions in the home. (*Btw, I am using the terms sahm and he/she but this applies the same if it’s the woman who is the main bread-winner too,)

Finally, saying this very sensitively, as you are on a very stressful IVF pathway atm which I hope is successful for you; I would argue that until you have dc, it is pretty impossible to gauge the level of worry and stress that comes with parenting.

Yes,your dsis has massive advantages: being able to buy in domestic support helps immensely, as does a lovely spacious home, as does being able to be at home and change your plans for the day when dc are ill, during school holidays, or when they need you more emotionally, as does being able to go at a child’s pace, particularly during the early years.

And once they are at primary school, there’s a lot of practical faff that comes with it which is stressful, when you have a WOH job. Ditto teen exams and emotional issues later on.

But even with these massive advantages op, your sister’s life isn’t completely stress-free, because the saying is true, that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child. And the worry when you have dc in today’s world, can be pretty crushing.

But I’ve mainly voted YABU because she is your sister, and if your sister doesn’t have your back, then who does? Of course that applies reciprocally but sticking to your main question in the thread title, I would hope that a sister, would look a bit deeper at the emotion behind her words and complaints , and would take her aside and , yes, remind her gently of her privileges, but also initiate a kind non-judgmental conversation about what is going on with her.

It could be that she senses the slightly judgmental attitude that you, and others, hold towards her current role, and therefore bigs up the difficulty of it, as a means of self-protection, or she really is struggling, but until you really talk to her properly sister to sister, and try to understand where she is coming from, in a non-competitive way, you won’t really know for sure. 💐

My BF is retired (we dont live together) and when he tells me what he has on for the week they are the things that I fit in around my FT job and commute eg. Dentist, shopping, taking the car for service/MOT etc. all I say in reply when he lists them like its a packed week is "busy, busy' busy!" I don't think he gets my sarcasm and agrees! I wouldn't change my life for anyone's even when I am running around like a headless chicken. My Dad always says, just wait until you really have something to complain about.

To be fair children are home 50% of the year, especially the summer is around 9/10 weeks long. The school day also isn’t very long, so she probably is busy most of the time, especially if she has a big house to run, multiple people to sort out, it’s a paid job in itself. Even though I imagine others won’t see it that way.

The issue here is one of communication and honesty.

Op you need to say to your sister that you are finding it hard to listen to her stresses when you going through such a hard time with IVF, and it might be best if she speaks to someone else for the time being. It is a shame that she needs this pointed out to her so explicitly, but I would talk to her about it.

Tell her how hard you are finding everything and it should bring you closer, not push you apart. If she doesn’t listen or minimises you can go low contact. You need to look after yourself.

I’m retired as are a lot of my friends and they often complain about how busy they are. I did actually say to one of them but you have an extra 50 hours a week now that you are not working/commuting, what are you doing?
Unfortunately that didn’t go down well.
I think the things you have to do expand to fill the time available and also I feel guilty about messing around (especially on MN)

YABU to even listen to nonsense from this woman. She sounds like a spoilt entitled brat. Her world may come down crashing around her ears then she'll be on MN bleating about a selfish man.

I don't know. Non-working member of the unpaid workforce?

But to the gov, unemployed is a label with a criteria; someone who wants/needs a job but can't find one. No gov. wants to count SAHPs in that because the unemployment figures would go right up.

As a word in common usage...meanings vary?

i ticked YANBU because i thought you were comparing having a FT job with kids to her lifestyle. But actually if you have no kids you really can’t compare as you are in totally different worlds right now. i loads of sympathy with your ivf situation but i think it’s making you jealous. you don’t really get the stresses involved in parenting, most of them are not necessarily to do with time but to do with the ups and downs of parenting which she may be feeling.

Also, compared to most parents you have loads of free time as you are only juggling jobs so your responsibilities are much less than most people, yet im sure it would feel unfair if we berated you for having so much leisure time while saying you experience stress. It’s just not a fair (or accurate) way to look at things.

and also calling a SAHP unemployed is like calling a pensioner or student unemployed. they aren’t in paid employment but it’s not got the same general meaning as “unemployed” as they aren’t seeking work.

The mum in this example is unemployed as the children are at school and the household jobs outsourced. So yeah, she is unemployed. She’s your veritable lady who lunches!

Whether or not you think is justified, she clearly feels stressed and tired and thinks she can open up to you. Would you rather she kept her problems to herself? Because that’s not a real relationship. it’s this sort of reaction that makes people hang out with people of a similar income level because the richer person often feels they can’t be open about their problems. In this case, shes your sister. Maybe she expected more understanding from you.

also unemployed means looking for work. In this case she would be classed as economically inactive.

If she tells you she is stressed I think you should listen. It's subjective and not logical, busy people don't own stress in the same way that years ago people used to dismiss depression suffered by people who have 'nothing to be depressed about'. She probably finds driving to the local shopping centre and getting parking to be overwhelming.

That said, its extremely insensitive of her, it's one thing if she confided she is overwhelmed but another if she is going on about how busy she is knowing you have so much more on your plate.

I'd just ignore it and try to shut it down. Or maybe (if she really is pushing your buttons) say something like 'can you imagine if your life was as busy as mine, what would you be like then, to me you have a very easy life' and see how she responds.