AIBU to resent my unemployed sister and her “difficult life”?

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My BIL has a very successful career, so my DSis gave up work 10 years ago before having DC. From the outside, they have a dream life…huge house in a desirable area, multiple luxury holidays a year, two lovely DC at a top private school, and lots of help (cleaners, ironing services, etc.). Both DC are in school, so DSis has most of the day to herself.

Despite this, she constantly complains about how exhausting and stressful her life is - how she’s always “running around like a headless chicken” with no time for anything. She expects sympathy, and never expresses any gratitude for her situation. I’ve never had a clear answer about what she does all day, though she recently let slip she goes to a health spa most days for classes and sauna.

Meanwhile, DH and I both work full-time in demanding and stressful jobs. We earn well, but we’re tied to a big mortgage and can’t afford to drop an income (which I’d love to be able to do, even temporarily). Life feels like a constant stress and struggle.

I know our situation isn’t unique, but it really stings when DSis complains to me and seems to genuinely believe that her life is harder than mine. There does seem to be a theme where, certain people stop working, and their tolerance for stress drops and suddenly the smallest things seem overwhelming?! That seems to be the case with her. AIBU to feel so resentful?

Surely you're only unemployed if you're actively seeking work?
Otherwise you're simply existing.

Yes, it’s this.

She is downplaying.

I voted YABU but only because I don't think you should let other peoples grumbles like this affect you in any way.

We all have a baseline happiness and no matter what happens to improve or worsen your situation, most people will return to our baseline happiness level. So it makes me wonder what she was like as a child/adolescent. And whether her baseline is just always going to be a bit miserable. In which case that's sad.

There's also a theory about the "Hedonic Treadmill". Once you achieve a state of happiness from an outside source, like material goods, the initial happiness wears off and there has to be an increase in the material good to produce the initial level of happiness. It's why some rich people can't seem to ever be happy with what they have and keep having to get a bigger house or a fancier car.

Just Don’t engage, OP and ignore the pp who say you’re jealous. Your sis is being massively insensitive and that’s annoying.

I had a friend a bit like this but she works 18 hours a week (topped up by benefits) and bangs on about it like it was the most stressful thing ever. She does have 3 kids but all teens at school who are pretty independent, and get about by public transport. She also has a partner who is around a lot as his work is casual.

She didn’t work at all until she was 33. The way the old benefits worked you didn’t have to work until your oldest went to school so she’s not even been doing this for a decade. She’s actually had it quite easy tbh.

most of my friends have 2-4 kids and work full time, and couldn’t take more 1-2 years of after having each child plus they are in far more challenging jobs but they don’t go on about like that. We all have our story but I feel she feels hard done by being a “working mother” and never stops talking about it, while failing to recognise she got to stay at home with all her kids until the youngest was at school and even now only works part time.
And in her case it wasn’t even funded by a rich partner but by the tax payer.

I used to try and empathise but eventualy I would just change the subject and ignore it the more she went on and on and on about her two days per week at work. She eventually got the picture.

You can have all the money and help in the world but still feel overwhelmed with life.

This is very true op.

The reality of parenting is you never “clock off” which can be a drain of sorts - much as they bring joy. An hour at a spa might help but it’s isn’t the same as pre-Dc downtime.

To be honest, many parents find getting out to a job keeps this mental load in check. They are never totally “ out of sight out of mind” but if can be a distraction. Your dsis might worry a lot. Do any of them have learning issues etc?

I guess the easiest thing to liken it to is your ivf. One friend of mind had her DB say to her “ how is it so stressful? Don’t you just go and have the treatment and just lie there?” But worries are worries.

Lovely words of wisdom @Andthispointstowhatexactly77

Call her unemployed or ‘job free by choice’ if that offends people less? 🤣

I don't think I'd bother. Some people just like whining and don't realise that being happy is something you can practice.

Gosh, so sad reading through those comments.
Again women cutting other women over what employed/unemployed/SAHP means..

It just shows that money doesn’t buy happiness.

It helps - up to a certain level of income.
After that, you’re left yo deal with your own demons (whether it’s jealousy, loneliness, feeling unworthy etc etc… we all have some)

This. I've noticed that with a lot of people I know, after they retire, they'll tell me how busy / stressed they are because they have a dinner party to attend, a hairdressers appointment and a coffee date with friends ALL IN THE SAME WEEK!
Meanwhile I'm working full time and looking after young kids which includes ferrying them around all weekend so I literally get no downtime. I'll sit down to watch TV for an hour or so about 9.30 each night because that's when the chores and done and the kids are in bed.
But I expect one day I'll probably be the same.
I think when you dont have much going on you get used to that and then anything becomes stressful to you. It's just hard to imagine when you've literally got 20x as much going on yourself.

Or let's call it what it really is, bone idle! I love how MN finds some excuse for everything at the same time ignoring the obvious!

So are the retired unemployed too? Severely disabled?
And children?

unemployed generally means someone who is seeking employment but is not currently working. Not just everyone who is not employed. 7 year olds are not unemployed. Neither are the severely intellectually disabled or SAHP who are SAH out of choice.

@Shwish @jewelcase I tend to agree. It's why so many older people find the most mundane things difficult. It's like that part of your brain switches off. I'd liken it a bit to a time when you've just had a long lie in and are feeling totally relaxed. Getting dressed and out the door can take ages and feel stressful wheras on a busy work morning you just do it.

A different kind of busyness to your life but organising and preparing for multiple holidays, organising cleaners and gardeners and window cleaners does take up time too.

Oh, be still my beating heart, let's have a whip round to send her to a spa after organising holidays, cleaners, gardeners etc.! The stress of it all, most of which people who work do as well.

Most of those working people live in much smaller houses that are infinitely easier to run and look after.

My sister is in your sisters shoes and she never complains about anything - she has the good grace to know how lucky she is. But she’s a positive sort of person anyway who has never indulged in self pity.

your sister sounds spoilt.

That's the definition of a jobseeker, surely? I've been unemployed without seeking paid work immediate, such as between temping jobs. If you sing on for benefits you have to be looking for work, but not otherwise.
I still wouldn't consider a housewife to be unemployed though as she is 'employed' with tasks, just not with an employment contract.

"This. I've noticed that with a lot of people I know, after they retire, they'll tell me how busy / stressed they are because they have a dinner party to attend, a hairdressers appointment and a coffee date with friends ALL IN THE SAME WEEK!
Meanwhile I'm working full time and looking after young kids "

Yes, but they're OLD unless they retired very early.
We have less energy as we get older - that's why we retire!

They are unemployed.

This happened with my dad literally within a few months of stopping work though - and he was only in his late 50s. He went from managing a large corporate division to finding it really quite hectic if he had an eye test and did the food shop in the same day. Obviously he was getting older, but not that quick!

Because mothers that care for children, clean the house, cook, shop and do all the admin are not doing anything with their time are they 🙄
Such mindless nonsense.

What a stupid thing to say.

I might add that if you are working full time and also doing a 100% of the cleaning, childcare, cooking, admin etc you are in fact doing TWO full time jobs, not one.

Many people get paid (very well) to complete these roles in the home. Such as housekeepers, cleaners, nannies and PAs. Unpaid is not the same as unemployed!