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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you do this or is it morally a shit thing to do?

181 replies

Juaal · 10/04/2025 08:02

I really can’t work out what is best here.

Context is I’ve been employed several years in a job I enjoy. A new senior man joined and since his arrival he has been increasingly unpleasant towards me, making some small comments about being a mum and saying he didn’t think I had much character about me.

It got to the point where I had to tell HR and they said this was serious and to formally raise it if I wanted to. I’ve since contacted a lawyer for some initial advice and they’ve said there’s a high chance I could get a settlement of a few months pay. I’ve recently got through to the final rounds of 4 separate interview processes. I want to leave my company now as I just don’t see a a future.

here’s the thing. If I blow things up and send in my formal complaint which I have already prepared, then I could end up with around 25k payout (based on salary and expected months settlement). But, as awful as this man has been, and he really has, I don’t know if he is actually very good at his job. He seems to have a lot of personal problems and I wonder if it would be morally wrong to put him through this complaint. However, friends have said that’s ridiculous as he’s been happy to make my life miserable and push me out of of a job, so why do I care about him. I could also do with the money. And it is true he has pushed me to interview elsewhere. What would you do?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 10/04/2025 08:04

Personally I’d just go.

i’ve seen people go through the complaints and settlement process and it looks bloody stressful.

you might want the money though.

JC89 · 10/04/2025 08:04

I think you should make the complaint. What's to stop him doing the same to somebody else? He might be good at his job but presumably so are you? And the next person he pushes out?

MrBirling · 10/04/2025 08:06

You're much nicer than me, I'd definitely be complaining. Maybe he'll think twice in the future before behaving like a cunt. You could see it as doing him a favour in the longer term.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 10/04/2025 08:07

Him having personal problems is no excuse for being so unpleasant... The mum thing I think is discriminatory... You not having 'character', Wtf?? How rude...

I'd absolutely start the process.... If only to fire a shot acorss his bows.

He shouldn't be allowed to get away with this!

Valkyrie3 · 10/04/2025 08:10

Do it. Don’t even think of not doing it.
Can’t work out how to vote on your aibu.

Woahtherehoney · 10/04/2025 08:11

Look at it this way if it’s the moral side of it - what if he does this to other members of staff and makes them feel shit about themselves and pushes them out of their jobs? Morally you knew he was capable but didn’t do anything about it. (Although HR knowing what he’s like should be doing more to be fair with or without you)

He’s the one in the wrong here and should be punished for that. We all have tough home lives - we don’t bully our colleagues because of it!

mynameiscalypso · 10/04/2025 08:11

I’d make the complaint. Lots of people have their own shit going on but manage not to be misogynistic arseholes.

BleachedJumper · 10/04/2025 08:12

I’d secure a new job and then put in the complaint.

Look after yourself in this world, as no one else is going to jump in and put your interests first otherwise. He may have mitigating circumstances he can use to ‘explain’ his behaviour, and that’s what he will attempt to do, to look out for his own interests. But the complaint will be investigated, and the business will act in their best interests in the balance as well.

I left a job due to a very poor manager, and did informally raise my concerns about his conduct at the point of my resignation. 4 weeks later the organisation contacted me to say that he was no longer employed by them and would I like to return, which I did. It emerged that the previous 2/3 employees in my role had left for similar reasons to me, but I was the first to vocalise my concerns. If no one reports, nothing will change.

Theoscargoesto · 10/04/2025 08:12

I have pursued a grievance. It was awful. The outcome was on one level what I expected-I was right-but on another, wholly inadequate. My experience suggests that you really can’t know you will get a settlement or how much it will be. It’s probably the right thing to do because good as his job or not, it’s not ok for this bloke to behave badly. Someone needs to raise that. And if you do, you might well save others from going through it at his hands. But that might not be the outcome and you don’t have to save the world, just yourself.

It’s a balance, and we can’t tell you which side to be on. But just understand what you are getting into: a difficult stressful experience at the end of which you might not get what you deserve.

Notsuchafattynow · 10/04/2025 08:12

I'd have put the complaint in when HR advised. I'd still do it now, but these things take time, so don't be surprised if you have an offer to accept before your current company is at the settlement offer stage. Many have a clause in them that you're not to have alternative employment at offer stage (otherwise everyone would do it when they were already leaving).

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 10/04/2025 08:14

Make the complaint! It’s because people never want to complain that these people get to stay and make life miserable for the next poor person in their sights.

he might have personal problems but I bet he never considers if anyone else has personal problems or stuff going on in their lives that he could alleviate by being less unpleasant to work with.

peachgreen · 10/04/2025 08:14

Obviously you should raise it. However, I’m confused as to why you’re expecting a settlement. What would the business be settling for? Your post suggests that you had an initial conversation with HR who advised that you should raise it formally. You didn’t. Now you’ve decided to leave. Surely a settlement would only apply if you had experienced constructive dismissal? And wouldn’t you need to show that you had raised the issue with the business and not received any support etc? Genuine questions here, I’m not trying to be a dick!

jasflowers · 10/04/2025 08:15

Why isn't your company sorting this guy out?

25k isn't much, probably less than 12m salary minus pension and jobs don't grow on trees.

Anyway, a lawyer will tell you what you want to hear & based on your say so, why would your company hand over £25k ?

The idea of the grievance process is to avoid you leaving and to sort out issues, possibly moving you or him to another dept but if the company want you gone, they can just make you redundant, following certain procedures, probably paying out very little.

Streaaa · 10/04/2025 08:16

OP, the grievance process is a dose and really takes time.
Nothing is guaranteed.
Far better to get a new job.
Cite him as the reason you have left.
Cite everything he has done.
List it all in detail in your resignation letter, stating his treatment of you is the reason you left a job you loved.

Perhaps look at "constructive dismissal" as you were forced to leave the job.
But I would be wary of paying any solicitor money.

As for giving him any consideration, don't be utterly ridiculous.
He deserves what he gets and will likely carry on if not stopped.

HoskinsChoice · 10/04/2025 08:16

I would ensure a formal complaint is made so that he has to go through the grievance process and he and the company are aware of what he's done wrong and why you're leaving. Going through lawyers for a pay out will be time consuming and stressful. They will find ways to drag up shit about you and ultimately you may not win. I therefore wouldn't bother with that particularly whilst you are embedding yourself in a new role. Move on and enjoy your new chapter.

ThereIsThunderInOurHearts · 10/04/2025 08:17

I would accept another position and then put in a grievance for constructive dismissal. Seek advice from ACAS if you are not in a union.

Everybody should join a union if they can afford to. The union would be all over this blatant discrimination and harassment.

Whyherewego · 10/04/2025 08:18

I am not sure I follow this lawyers advice. I am assuming they said you have a constructive dismissal type case?
Basically AFAIK a tribunal would not award you compensation if you've not followed the process internally first as HR have taken your concern seriously and suggested you raise it formally. There's not much they can do to address the problem otherwise.
If you then raise it, I wouldn't expect the outcome that you leave or are awarded money. They would seek to address the man's behaviour either through some kind of warning or dismissal if it was found to be sufficiently serious. None of this results in you being forced to leave though.

Now if it's a private company and they don't want a fuss they may well offer you a settlement of some sorts but I'm not sure if I was in HR, I'd be going down that road initially.
Frankly just go through your process for the new job and see where that goes. It sounds like you just want to leave.

StMarie4me · 10/04/2025 08:20

Follow it through. He needs to be shown that there are consequences to his misogyny.

Growlybear83 · 10/04/2025 08:21

The man sounds awful and deserves to be held to account, but it reads to me as if you’re taking a very mercenary approach and that you’re mainly intending on making the formal complaint because of the compensation you’ve been told you might get.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 10/04/2025 08:23

Bullies push people to suicide...
Get him stopped if you can.

GrannyJJ · 10/04/2025 08:24

Juaal · 10/04/2025 08:02

I really can’t work out what is best here.

Context is I’ve been employed several years in a job I enjoy. A new senior man joined and since his arrival he has been increasingly unpleasant towards me, making some small comments about being a mum and saying he didn’t think I had much character about me.

It got to the point where I had to tell HR and they said this was serious and to formally raise it if I wanted to. I’ve since contacted a lawyer for some initial advice and they’ve said there’s a high chance I could get a settlement of a few months pay. I’ve recently got through to the final rounds of 4 separate interview processes. I want to leave my company now as I just don’t see a a future.

here’s the thing. If I blow things up and send in my formal complaint which I have already prepared, then I could end up with around 25k payout (based on salary and expected months settlement). But, as awful as this man has been, and he really has, I don’t know if he is actually very good at his job. He seems to have a lot of personal problems and I wonder if it would be morally wrong to put him through this complaint. However, friends have said that’s ridiculous as he’s been happy to make my life miserable and push me out of of a job, so why do I care about him. I could also do with the money. And it is true he has pushed me to interview elsewhere. What would you do?

I had a similar issue and weirdly I was talking to a Buddhist retreat leader and explained my dilemma. He was a gentle soul but when I asked for advice he said “you absolutely must take action to prevent harm for someone else and any consequences he faces are as a result of his own actions.” My situation was bullying and sexual harassment and I had no plans to leave. But you’re worrying about the consequences of your actions when he didn’t worry about his… you could have had personal problems that tipped you over the edge. You might not have been able to find another job. And you’ve had to move on from a job you love. You’re not sending him to a firing squad. HR will decide what happens to him and if he has done something wrong and faces consequences then that’s his doing not yours. You’re hopefully going to change his future behaviour for the benefit of everyone - including him in the long run.
And any compensation you receive is merely compensation for the grief. Which you didn’t deserve. The man sounds awful.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 10/04/2025 08:30

He's paid to be a manager, not to bring his personal issues to work and take them out on his own colleagues. I would not put up with being treated like that and I would put in a complaint.

BeaAndBen · 10/04/2025 08:30

How many women is it ok for him to belittle and hound out of their jobs before he can be held to account, @Juaal ?

Now he’s pushed you out, do you think it stops there, because I’m sure there will be a new target.

Shirkingly · 10/04/2025 08:33

I wouldn’t think twice about following the grievance procedure. However, if, as you say, you enjoy your job and have been there for years, surely it’s worth staying, if matters can be rearranged so you don’t work together, he’s officially ‘cautioned’ or whatever about his behaviour? I wouldn’t leave a job I enjoyed and was good at because of one unpleasant person ‘making remarks’.

jeaux90 · 10/04/2025 08:33

Put the complaint in OP. Sometimes these things are swift and the company mitigates quickly other times it takes a while. Either way this man needs to be held to account. Best wishes for your new job.