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Original poster

Would you do this or is it morally a shit thing to do?

181 replies

Juaal · 10/04/2025 08:02

I really can’t work out what is best here.

Context is I’ve been employed several years in a job I enjoy. A new senior man joined and since his arrival he has been increasingly unpleasant towards me, making some small comments about being a mum and saying he didn’t think I had much character about me.

It got to the point where I had to tell HR and they said this was serious and to formally raise it if I wanted to. I’ve since contacted a lawyer for some initial advice and they’ve said there’s a high chance I could get a settlement of a few months pay. I’ve recently got through to the final rounds of 4 separate interview processes. I want to leave my company now as I just don’t see a a future.

here’s the thing. If I blow things up and send in my formal complaint which I have already prepared, then I could end up with around 25k payout (based on salary and expected months settlement). But, as awful as this man has been, and he really has, I don’t know if he is actually very good at his job. He seems to have a lot of personal problems and I wonder if it would be morally wrong to put him through this complaint. However, friends have said that’s ridiculous as he’s been happy to make my life miserable and push me out of of a job, so why do I care about him. I could also do with the money. And it is true he has pushed me to interview elsewhere. What would you do?

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 10/04/2025 11:11

Why does him being good at his job let him off bullying other members of staff?

JoeyJoeyJoeyJoey · 10/04/2025 11:11

why are you even considering this nasty vile things feelings, get out of there and don’t look back

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 10/04/2025 11:13

I feel like I've read a different OP to everyone else. People keep saying he deserves it for bullying you and driving you out of a role, but the actual example you give of his behaviour is 'making some small comments about being a mum and saying he didn’t think I had much character about me'. This isn't an actively nice thing to say but it doesn't seem to me to constitute harassment or bullying (unless the 'small comments about being a mum' are discrimination that you've massively underplayed in this description) and I can't begin to fathom why anyone would have advised you you would get £25k compensation for having endured them?

godmum56 · 10/04/2025 11:13

BleachedJumper · 10/04/2025 08:12

I’d secure a new job and then put in the complaint.

Look after yourself in this world, as no one else is going to jump in and put your interests first otherwise. He may have mitigating circumstances he can use to ‘explain’ his behaviour, and that’s what he will attempt to do, to look out for his own interests. But the complaint will be investigated, and the business will act in their best interests in the balance as well.

I left a job due to a very poor manager, and did informally raise my concerns about his conduct at the point of my resignation. 4 weeks later the organisation contacted me to say that he was no longer employed by them and would I like to return, which I did. It emerged that the previous 2/3 employees in my role had left for similar reasons to me, but I was the first to vocalise my concerns. If no one reports, nothing will change.

this definitely. I get that doing it can be stressful and you are entitiled to minimise your own stress but not doing it because he "might" have problems is in no way reasonable.

AxolotlEars · 10/04/2025 11:14

It's no excuse. I am experiencing unbelievable amounts of strain in different areas of my life. I'm not horrible to anyone. Self awareness is really important and no one else needs to suffer especially when you are a manager

ZookeeperSE · 10/04/2025 11:14

That’s your female socialisation to be kind coming out. He doesn’t give fuck about you, don’t give a fuck about him.

Emonade · 10/04/2025 11:16

Juaal · 10/04/2025 08:02

I really can’t work out what is best here.

Context is I’ve been employed several years in a job I enjoy. A new senior man joined and since his arrival he has been increasingly unpleasant towards me, making some small comments about being a mum and saying he didn’t think I had much character about me.

It got to the point where I had to tell HR and they said this was serious and to formally raise it if I wanted to. I’ve since contacted a lawyer for some initial advice and they’ve said there’s a high chance I could get a settlement of a few months pay. I’ve recently got through to the final rounds of 4 separate interview processes. I want to leave my company now as I just don’t see a a future.

here’s the thing. If I blow things up and send in my formal complaint which I have already prepared, then I could end up with around 25k payout (based on salary and expected months settlement). But, as awful as this man has been, and he really has, I don’t know if he is actually very good at his job. He seems to have a lot of personal problems and I wonder if it would be morally wrong to put him through this complaint. However, friends have said that’s ridiculous as he’s been happy to make my life miserable and push me out of of a job, so why do I care about him. I could also do with the money. And it is true he has pushed me to interview elsewhere. What would you do?

Do it! If he hasn’t done anything wrong there wouldn’t be a case so there’s nothing morally wrong with it

Emonade · 10/04/2025 11:16

ZookeeperSE · 10/04/2025 11:14

That’s your female socialisation to be kind coming out. He doesn’t give fuck about you, don’t give a fuck about him.

This!

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 10/04/2025 11:16

I think you should go ahead with the complaint. As others have said though this looks more like a constructive dismissal case rather than a settlement agreement case. I don’t know if both cases are more stressful though.

He shouldn’t have let his behaviour encourage and upset you so much that you left though and that is what I’ve flagged up.

I left a job due to my boss being unreasonable and a bully, when I flagged this up HR told me they appreciated my concerns but they would win (if I took things further). It was a nasty environment full of infighting and back stabbing so I’m pleased I left and like you I couldn’t wait to leave. I did feel forced or managed out.

FairlyTired · 10/04/2025 11:17

If you look at it objectively, someones made comments about being a mum (which the context and intent could be hard to prove anyway - someone saying "it's harder for you than jenny because you have the children to mentally focus on too" for example could be seen as trying to be supportive and understanding, saying "you're less available for overtime due to being a mum" is just factual etc) and a comment about character - again depends on content and to be honest may well be accurate from this reaction or a comment that was relevant to improving your attitude at work.

Expecting 25k is insane, what was the actual content which you think warrants it?

godmum56 · 10/04/2025 11:23

I think there are two issues here which should not be conflated

  1. what the OP asked which was "Is it morally right to complain in case the harasser has is own problems?"
  2. whether the complaint will actually be upheld and get anywhere.
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/04/2025 11:24

You spoke to HR then contacted a legal company instead ? Will you ' win ' if you don't tell HR to take it further ?

Patterncarmen · 10/04/2025 11:26

Take the settlement OP.

Ellie1015 · 10/04/2025 11:29

Do what suits you best. Absolutely go through with complaint unless you will find it too draining/upsetting.

You owe this man nothing and regardless of his personal problems or being good at his job his behaviour is not acceptable.

If it helps to have a moral dilemma about it I would say you should go through with complaint to reduce chance of him continuing this behaviour ti someone else.

ExtraOnions · 10/04/2025 11:30

It’s not a Constructive Dismissal. He hasn’t made it so bad that you have left, as you are still there. The Tribunal would not look at “well I stayed until I found a new role”.
Also, you need to go through the internal process.

No idea why any settlement would be discussed.

Twiglets1 · 10/04/2025 11:32

I would make the complaint.

roses2 · 10/04/2025 11:36

How do you know this will work in your favour? What happens if HR get rid of him and ask you to stay? Then you won't get a settlement.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 10/04/2025 11:36

I have to be honest, I don't know why you are raising it woth a lawyer when you havent even followed HRs advice to report it and given the company an opportunity to address it.

Involving a lawyer benefits the lawyer.

It's ridiculous to say the company wont want the hassle when their HR has absolutely indicated that the would treat it seriously.

I'd be very surprised if you ended up with a payout.

Twiglets1 · 10/04/2025 11:39

roses2 · 10/04/2025 11:36

How do you know this will work in your favour? What happens if HR get rid of him and ask you to stay? Then you won't get a settlement.

Wouldn’t have lost anything though.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 10/04/2025 11:39

Patterncarmen · 10/04/2025 11:26

Take the settlement OP.

There isn't a settlement on the table.

HR have told her to report him so they can deal woth him and OP has paid a lawyer to tell her that she "could" get up to 25k if the company decide they don't want the hassle of a complaint. I don't know about you, but most companies employ HR specifically to look after their people and in turn ensure they don't end up liable for payouts.

Katbum · 10/04/2025 11:43

Complain, take the money, move on with your life.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 10/04/2025 11:46

Juaal · 10/04/2025 10:25

The lawyer said they won’t want the hassle of a potentially serious claim and would have to spend weeks going through a grievance process anyway. He said on a commercial basis they are likely to offer you a settlement for a quick fix due to the nature of the complaint and the associated time it would take to investigate.

I feel stressed as I am on the cusp of a new job but also I lose all my employment rights if I leave (starting again with 0 service). I would like something there financially as back up when I leave. I feel this is fair. I have prepared the complaint and was about to send it but then second guessed myself

I'd take your lawyer's advice. Protect yourself as much as possible.

Branleuse · 10/04/2025 11:50

Make the complaint. Youve just gone and tried to earn a living and get on with your job, and some dickhead has actually repeatedly insulted you, your character, and undermined you. Your work havent protected you, and they suggested you formally raise it. Thats what youve done.
Fuck that bloke and his personal problems. Maybe his personal issues are also of his own making.

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 11:56

Juaal · 10/04/2025 08:02

I really can’t work out what is best here.

Context is I’ve been employed several years in a job I enjoy. A new senior man joined and since his arrival he has been increasingly unpleasant towards me, making some small comments about being a mum and saying he didn’t think I had much character about me.

It got to the point where I had to tell HR and they said this was serious and to formally raise it if I wanted to. I’ve since contacted a lawyer for some initial advice and they’ve said there’s a high chance I could get a settlement of a few months pay. I’ve recently got through to the final rounds of 4 separate interview processes. I want to leave my company now as I just don’t see a a future.

here’s the thing. If I blow things up and send in my formal complaint which I have already prepared, then I could end up with around 25k payout (based on salary and expected months settlement). But, as awful as this man has been, and he really has, I don’t know if he is actually very good at his job. He seems to have a lot of personal problems and I wonder if it would be morally wrong to put him through this complaint. However, friends have said that’s ridiculous as he’s been happy to make my life miserable and push me out of of a job, so why do I care about him. I could also do with the money. And it is true he has pushed me to interview elsewhere. What would you do?

Definitely make the complaint, he has been deliberately making your life miserable don’t feel sorry for him, he didn’t care that he was hurting you when he was making those nasty comments towards you so why should you start caring about him now, If he is doing it to you he has also done it to other people and will continue to do it to others in the future

He did after all make you leave a company and job that you were happy in for years

People like this are extremely toxic in the workplace and make many people unhappy whilst still rising through the ranks themselves

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 12:01

Sunbeam01 · 10/04/2025 10:40

I work in a senior HR role in the city.

I'd make the complaint. It's not unethical in the slightest. This man has driven you out of your role. Make the claim.

Absolutely,
Why should she feel sorry for him at this stage after what he has done to her

Send the complaint