Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you do this or is it morally a shit thing to do?

181 replies

Juaal · 10/04/2025 08:02

I really can’t work out what is best here.

Context is I’ve been employed several years in a job I enjoy. A new senior man joined and since his arrival he has been increasingly unpleasant towards me, making some small comments about being a mum and saying he didn’t think I had much character about me.

It got to the point where I had to tell HR and they said this was serious and to formally raise it if I wanted to. I’ve since contacted a lawyer for some initial advice and they’ve said there’s a high chance I could get a settlement of a few months pay. I’ve recently got through to the final rounds of 4 separate interview processes. I want to leave my company now as I just don’t see a a future.

here’s the thing. If I blow things up and send in my formal complaint which I have already prepared, then I could end up with around 25k payout (based on salary and expected months settlement). But, as awful as this man has been, and he really has, I don’t know if he is actually very good at his job. He seems to have a lot of personal problems and I wonder if it would be morally wrong to put him through this complaint. However, friends have said that’s ridiculous as he’s been happy to make my life miserable and push me out of of a job, so why do I care about him. I could also do with the money. And it is true he has pushed me to interview elsewhere. What would you do?

OP posts:
ZoggyStirdust · 10/04/2025 12:04

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 12:01

Absolutely,
Why should she feel sorry for him at this stage after what he has done to her

Send the complaint

Show quote history

What has he done? Specifically?

op would have to quit her job, then prove constructive dismissal at a tribunal (or at least make her company believe she would likely prove it). I’ve seen no evidence whatsoever that anything he’s done would meet that threshold.

constructive dismissal is really hard to prove.

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 12:09

ZoggyStirdust · 10/04/2025 12:04

What has he done? Specifically?

op would have to quit her job, then prove constructive dismissal at a tribunal (or at least make her company believe she would likely prove it). I’ve seen no evidence whatsoever that anything he’s done would meet that threshold.

constructive dismissal is really hard to prove.

Show quote history

She Dosen’t need to discuss the ins and outs with everyone here ( she has given a brief summary though) as she discussed it with HR and they told her it was serious and to make a formal complaint if she wanted to, so I presume she went into more detail and discussed his behaviour with them, she has also discussed it with Lawyers who advised her

Waterweight · 10/04/2025 12:09

Sorry but it sounds like your being led on about this financial settlement - your absolutely not likely to get one if you've raised no formally complaints or been blocked from doing so including dismissed ect.

Id either focus on getting the new job OR go down the route of formal action against him

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 12:11

Waterweight · 10/04/2025 12:09

Sorry but it sounds like your being led on about this financial settlement - your absolutely not likely to get one if you've raised no formally complaints or been blocked from doing so including dismissed ect.

Id either focus on getting the new job OR go down the route of formal action against him

Edited

She is about to make a formal complaint though and she has previously discussed it with HR and Lawyers

Chattie89 · 10/04/2025 12:14

I wouldn't care about the money, I'd make the complaint anyway just to really make him sweat.

Whatever personal issues he has going on are (I assume) not your fault. Therefore he needs to reign in his fucking attitude in the workplace or take time off until he can behave professionally. Simple as that. Somehow I highly doubt he'd be making these comments to you if you were a bloke.

Waterweight · 10/04/2025 12:17

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 12:11

She is about to make a formal complaint though and she has previously discussed it with HR and Lawyers

Show quote history

There's 0 history of her grievances against this man & the company has had 0 chances to intervene/replace him/apologise

She herself admits the "lawyer" thinks the company will settle rather then go down the path of proving they aren't at fault which is incredibly risky when they can prove they weren't made aware & any record of complaint being made now will be recorded as a new issue ( = easy win for them & their lawyers) I don't know who she's getting legal advice from but it could end up being very costly (they will add there fees onto any supposed settlement/charge the company separately which will make it worth their while to fight these allegations they were responsible & unwilling to repair a working relationship)

ItTook9Years · 10/04/2025 12:19

Streaaa · 10/04/2025 08:16

OP, the grievance process is a dose and really takes time.
Nothing is guaranteed.
Far better to get a new job.
Cite him as the reason you have left.
Cite everything he has done.
List it all in detail in your resignation letter, stating his treatment of you is the reason you left a job you loved.

Perhaps look at "constructive dismissal" as you were forced to leave the job.
But I would be wary of paying any solicitor money.

As for giving him any consideration, don't be utterly ridiculous.
He deserves what he gets and will likely carry on if not stopped.

HR Director.

Something like 5% of constructive dismissal cases are successful. Hardly any are if the complainant didn’t follow internal processes to try and resolve the issues.

I wouldn’t be looking at settlement based on what OP says in the OP. If the grievance is founded he could face disciplinary action and possibly be dismissed as a result. No reason to settle the OP out. (But she doesn’t say what he has done that HR apparently advised was serious.)

Friendofdennis · 10/04/2025 12:25

Contact ACAS if you haven’t already done so. This sounds like constructive dismissal which is very hard to win. You could easily make a mistake by not doing something according to procedure at the right time. You should get in touch with them

ItGhoul · 10/04/2025 12:25

Of course it’s not morally wrong to complain. He’s a cunt. Personal problems aren’t relevant here.

superplumb · 10/04/2025 12:27

Make the complaint. Don't leave. Why should you.
He should suffer the consequences of his actions. No excuse what he's got going on. He's a pig. Don't stand for it and please don't leave

Jerseygirl2023 · 10/04/2025 12:45

These steps should be taken -

Informal discussion.
Formal grievance.
Appeal formal grievance (if formal grievance doesn’t resolve it).

If this does not resolve it and you do resign -
Be crystal clear in your resignation letter your reasons for resigning.

If this was to go to an Employment Tribunal the ET judge would specifically look to see what you have done to try and resolve it before reaching ET.

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 12:46

ItTook9Years · 10/04/2025 12:19

HR Director.

Something like 5% of constructive dismissal cases are successful. Hardly any are if the complainant didn’t follow internal processes to try and resolve the issues.

I wouldn’t be looking at settlement based on what OP says in the OP. If the grievance is founded he could face disciplinary action and possibly be dismissed as a result. No reason to settle the OP out. (But she doesn’t say what he has done that HR apparently advised was serious.)

Show quote history

If the grievance is founded he could face disciplinary action and possibly be dismissed as a result

She can make the complaint and see where it goes, maybe she will get a settlement maybe she won’t but at least there will be a record of a formal complaint being made against his behaviour which could lead to his dismissal / disciplinary action and possibly put a stop to his behaviour and him doing it to others in the future …..that alone would be worth doing it for, this man made the OPs working life so miserable she has decided to leave a job she was happy in for years

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/04/2025 12:51

Solicitors won't do this for nothing, would you be paying them or would they be getting a % of the settlement if you get one.

unless it were a solicitor for a Union or ACAS etc. ?

ItTook9Years · 10/04/2025 13:04

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 12:46

If the grievance is founded he could face disciplinary action and possibly be dismissed as a result

She can make the complaint and see where it goes, maybe she will get a settlement maybe she won’t but at least there will be a record of a formal complaint being made against his behaviour which could lead to his dismissal / disciplinary action and possibly put a stop to his behaviour and him doing it to others in the future …..that alone would be worth doing it for, this man made the OPs working life so miserable she has decided to leave a job she was happy in for years

Show quote history

Indeed.

But at this point, it’s not clear why her legal adviser thinks her employer would want her to leave with a settlement.

Praying4Peace · 10/04/2025 13:08

I'd go to the new job and put this behind you.

Mrsbloggz · 10/04/2025 13:13

OP, if you don't stand up to him he will escalate and do the same to others, but worse. They will then find it even harder than you to stand up to him and he will get out of control.
I think you should (metaphorically) get him by the balls and squeeze as hard as you can with your iron fist.

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 13:17

Mrsbloggz · 10/04/2025 13:13

OP, if you don't stand up to him he will escalate and do the same to others, but worse. They will then find it even harder than you to stand up to him and he will get out of control.
I think you should (metaphorically) get him by the balls and squeeze as hard as you can with your iron fist.

Agree, toxic people in the workplace don’t just try and make life difficult for 1 person they do it to many and usually have a history of doing it to people and go on to do it to many more if they aren’t stopped, it’s built into their behaviour

ExtraOnions · 10/04/2025 13:25

HR will not have told her to put in a formal complaint, because they believe her to be right, they will have highlighted the correct process for managing grievances, and let her know that it’s an option.

If HR are agreeing with her, outside of an investigation, they are in the wrong job.

ZoggyStirdust · 10/04/2025 13:42

ExtraOnions · 10/04/2025 13:25

HR will not have told her to put in a formal complaint, because they believe her to be right, they will have highlighted the correct process for managing grievances, and let her know that it’s an option.

If HR are agreeing with her, outside of an investigation, they are in the wrong job.

Very much this. They’re signposting the correct process.

as previous knowledgeable posters have said, there’s no evidence in what’s been posted for constructive dismissal, perhaps this bloke really is an arse of the highest order but nothing shows that here.

PinkFrogss · 10/04/2025 13:45

How much are you paying this lawyer? All they’re after is your money.

Put in the grievance but on the assumption you won’t get a settlement (because you probably won’t, or much smaller than £25k). Unless your notice period is very long it’s unlikely the grievance will be resolved by the time you leave if you’re close to getting another job.

Ignore everyone telling you to claim constructive dismissal, they don’t have a clue.

Ring ACAS for free advice.

SnippySnappy · 10/04/2025 13:59

You might as well put the grievance in especially as you've got a probable (if I'm reading it correctly) job offer in hand anyway?
You're not losing anything by doing so and might have a lot to gain.

orangedream · 10/04/2025 14:49

Submit the complaint but there's no chance you'll get anything close to £25k. That's just a fantasy. You can't claim you were forced to leave when you have another job lined up before even giving the company an opportunity to address your concerns.

minuette1 · 10/04/2025 16:50

CautiousLurker01 · 10/04/2025 11:08

Can you not go to the new job but still continue with the legal case but pursue it as constructive dismissal?

As the OP hasn't raised anything formally with HR and she has already decided to leave without giving her current company the chance to sort things out, how can she bring a constructive dismissal case?

OP definitely make your complaint, but the lawyer who is telling you to go for a settlement just has £££ in their eyes. You don't have a leg to stand on as you haven't gone through the proper channels. The claim wouldn't be against this individual, but rather your current employer and they haven't actually done anything wrong.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 10/04/2025 19:19

I'd complain. There is no place for misogyny in modern society, especially in a professional workplace.

Streaaa · 11/04/2025 08:20

That solicitor is telling you what you want to hear, which is not the truth, just wishful thinking.

I have heard of cases far worse than yours where the company sorted it out, so no payment was made.

Send in your grievance first.
Leave for the new job if you like.

Don't get into debt with some solicitor that is feeding you a line for business.