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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you do this or is it morally a shit thing to do?

181 replies

Juaal · 10/04/2025 08:02

I really can’t work out what is best here.

Context is I’ve been employed several years in a job I enjoy. A new senior man joined and since his arrival he has been increasingly unpleasant towards me, making some small comments about being a mum and saying he didn’t think I had much character about me.

It got to the point where I had to tell HR and they said this was serious and to formally raise it if I wanted to. I’ve since contacted a lawyer for some initial advice and they’ve said there’s a high chance I could get a settlement of a few months pay. I’ve recently got through to the final rounds of 4 separate interview processes. I want to leave my company now as I just don’t see a a future.

here’s the thing. If I blow things up and send in my formal complaint which I have already prepared, then I could end up with around 25k payout (based on salary and expected months settlement). But, as awful as this man has been, and he really has, I don’t know if he is actually very good at his job. He seems to have a lot of personal problems and I wonder if it would be morally wrong to put him through this complaint. However, friends have said that’s ridiculous as he’s been happy to make my life miserable and push me out of of a job, so why do I care about him. I could also do with the money. And it is true he has pushed me to interview elsewhere. What would you do?

OP posts:
Fraaances · 10/04/2025 10:32

Nail his ass to the wall. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant. His behaviour is potentially the reason you started looking elsewhere anyway.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 10:36

What the hell?

You have the right not to be bullied at work. His behaviour is the morally repugnant thing here.

Take the legal advice and get wherever you are entitled to.

Americano75 · 10/04/2025 10:38

Send it.

Sunbeam01 · 10/04/2025 10:40

I work in a senior HR role in the city.

I'd make the complaint. It's not unethical in the slightest. This man has driven you out of your role. Make the claim.

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2025 10:43

While I would have no hesitation is reporting this arsehole in your shoes I would just leave if you have another job to go to.
Grievances can be long drawn out processes which are hard on everyone and don't always go the way you hoped
Might be better to just move on and forget you ever met him

Shelby2010 · 10/04/2025 10:47

I don’t understand why you think you should get a settlement when you haven’t followed the process advised by HR?

From their point of view, you raised an issue, they took it seriously & asked you to put it in writing so they could deal with it formally.

You failed to do this, instead you’ve decided that you want a new job anyway so you think they should just hand over £25k so you have something to fall back on if your new job doesn’t work out?!

What happens if they start disciplinary action against the man. He apologises & mends his ways? Or as he’s quite new, they decide he’s not very good at his job & just get rid of him?

I’ll admit I have no direct experience of tribunals but I wouldn’t expect payouts (or settlements) if the company hadn’t been given the opportunity to manage the situation beforehand. Especially in this case as you haven’t followed HR advice. It seems you’ve just got it into your head as a way to get some easy cash.

SunnyViper · 10/04/2025 10:47

Make the complaint. It’s irrelevant that he is good at his job.

Heylittlesongbird · 10/04/2025 10:47

I don’t think you can assume a settlement. There is every chance they will properly investigate your complaint. This could lead to various outcomes which could include some retraining for this man, a warning, dismissal etc. HR have said it’s serious. You would need to give them time to investigate etc. You said you liked the job, would you want to stay if it was resolved?

CheckedChecker · 10/04/2025 10:49

I'm not clear on which voting button means what, but I would file the complaint.

AncoraAmarena · 10/04/2025 10:51

From an HR point of view, please send the complaint. You are entitled to complain about this, and by doing so might protect some other poor sod having to go through the same with him in the future.

hididdlyho · 10/04/2025 10:52

I think if you've got as far as writing the complaint, you should submit it. I regret not making a complaint about a manager at a previous job when I was much younger and more naïve. All my colleagues were pushing me to, as this manager had a track record of being an awful bully to everyone and they felt her behaviour towards me was an escalation.

She got my phone number from HR (after me declining to give it to her) and was texting me comments about my appearance etc and telling me to wear certain clothes again as it would help me 'flirt' and get sales leads. Looking back it was so unprofessional and this was working for a major bank, so I'm sure she would have faced some sort of repercussions.

treesandsun · 10/04/2025 10:53

It will be highly unlikely that you are the first person he has done it to and unless you pursue it you will not be the last. You do know he is not good at his job because his job is not demeaning and demoralising other workers.

LBFseBrom · 10/04/2025 10:54

I am appalled that your HR department aren't reprimanding this guy in some way, or even giving him the push. What he is doing is very serious indeed, blatant bullying. I doubt you are his only target, op.

Whyherewego · 10/04/2025 10:57

Juaal · 10/04/2025 10:25

The lawyer said they won’t want the hassle of a potentially serious claim and would have to spend weeks going through a grievance process anyway. He said on a commercial basis they are likely to offer you a settlement for a quick fix due to the nature of the complaint and the associated time it would take to investigate.

I feel stressed as I am on the cusp of a new job but also I lose all my employment rights if I leave (starting again with 0 service). I would like something there financially as back up when I leave. I feel this is fair. I have prepared the complaint and was about to send it but then second guessed myself

They may not want the hassle but most decent size companies will have an established process to go through and people in the HR dept to do it. They won't just immediately proceed to settlement in my experience.
Unless this guy is some kind of hot shot that they are desperate to protect then in my experience most HR depts would advise the company to go through the process first rather than settle.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 10/04/2025 10:58

His personal problems ain't your problem.
What a nasty little man.

Hwi · 10/04/2025 11:00

I looked at the swaying shoulders, at the paunch's swag and swing
And my heart was touched with pity for the monstrous, pleading thing

And we all know how it ended.

PotatoWafflerWrites · 10/04/2025 11:01

I think you absolutely should go ahead and follow through with the complaint. It makes me angry that you are effectively having to leave and change jobs due to this man. I have no sympathy for him at all.

I wish I'd done similar in at least 1 former job, but never did, and it frustrates me to this day, years later.

ZenNudist · 10/04/2025 11:02

I think make the complaint and leave but I think you are going to have to engage in the grievance process and jump through some hoops. I don't think you're automatically going to get a big payout just like that, and a lot of it will get swallowed by legal fees. That's why the lawyer is pushing you amd promising payouts, to make money off you.

You don't say what thus man has done that's so bad. I agree that "lacking character" is a duck thing to say. Can you shape this up into constructive dismissal? Are you trying to argue discrimination based on "a few small comments about being a mum"?. What's your evidence for this?

I have a situation at work where someone is saying I said something I didn't. Ive been advised it becomes a "he said she said" situation. No one is talking about pay outs! I think you might be misled by your lawyer.

But definitely leave and make a complaint. Bustard deserves the trouble and also he will just bully others if you don't.

VonRyansExpress · 10/04/2025 11:06

However, friends have said that’s ridiculous as he’s been happy to make my life miserable and push me out of of a job, so why do I care about him.

Your friends are right.

Push on with your action.

BestDIL · 10/04/2025 11:06

Please do it - if only to save the next person he targets. He is nasty and should be stopped!

FairlyTired · 10/04/2025 11:06

What he's said just sounds like some low level lack of social skills or filter.
Hardly worth upending someone's life for, and definitely not a good thing to have on your conscience if it's for money. Unless it's something you'd go to the police for as harassment then leave it alone.
When you initially complained to his higher-ups what happened with the comments, did it continue after they spoke to him?

GreatCyanCrab · 10/04/2025 11:06

I once had to complain about a managers behaviour. He was a nice guy and very good at his job but the chat was just overly sexual and everyone knew it but nobody did anything about it - but on one occasion he said something that was just too far.

Anyway I complained to my manager and the head of our office but chose not to make it an official HR complaint. He got such a fright all the inappropriate chat stopped immediately. He would definitely have been fired had I gone to HR and I didn’t think he quite deserved that.

CautiousLurker01 · 10/04/2025 11:08

Can you not go to the new job but still continue with the legal case but pursue it as constructive dismissal?

Hydwangea · 10/04/2025 11:09

I’m going through a hellish time in my personal life but it doesn’t make me treat anyone badly. Put in the complaint

Whoarethoseguys · 10/04/2025 11:09

I think you should make the complaint, because otherwise he could make someone else's life a misery . Also he had forced you out of a job you loved and subjected you to a very miserable time. If you don't complain he might think his behaviour is ok