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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you do this or is it morally a shit thing to do?

181 replies

Juaal · 10/04/2025 08:02

I really can’t work out what is best here.

Context is I’ve been employed several years in a job I enjoy. A new senior man joined and since his arrival he has been increasingly unpleasant towards me, making some small comments about being a mum and saying he didn’t think I had much character about me.

It got to the point where I had to tell HR and they said this was serious and to formally raise it if I wanted to. I’ve since contacted a lawyer for some initial advice and they’ve said there’s a high chance I could get a settlement of a few months pay. I’ve recently got through to the final rounds of 4 separate interview processes. I want to leave my company now as I just don’t see a a future.

here’s the thing. If I blow things up and send in my formal complaint which I have already prepared, then I could end up with around 25k payout (based on salary and expected months settlement). But, as awful as this man has been, and he really has, I don’t know if he is actually very good at his job. He seems to have a lot of personal problems and I wonder if it would be morally wrong to put him through this complaint. However, friends have said that’s ridiculous as he’s been happy to make my life miserable and push me out of of a job, so why do I care about him. I could also do with the money. And it is true he has pushed me to interview elsewhere. What would you do?

OP posts:
CatsMagic · 10/04/2025 08:33

I think you need to be a bit more realistic OP- there is nothing in your post that suggests a settlement should be awarded- you leaving to go to a new job because your boss is an arsehole is a far cry from constructive dismissal which you would need a lot of evidence for-any of these types of big settlements are based on loss of earnings for example you have had to go on long term sick with stress , or you are unable to look for work for a period.

It’s horrible that you feel you want to leave your job because your boss is a dick , would you consider staying and going through the process with HR to try and get him to improve his attitude and behaviour ?

NeedToChangeName · 10/04/2025 08:34

This is MN, with many keyboard warriors

IRL, I expect most people woukd be a lot more cautious

Personally, I'd move on ASAP. I wouldn't raise a grievance, to avoid being labelled as a trouble maker, however unjustified that might be

GingerKombucha · 10/04/2025 08:37

Morally, if you are truthful about his behaviour (which I fully assume you will be) then the outcome of the process will be only be as harmful for him as his behaviour warrants. If there are extenuating circumstances, then HR will take that into account as far as is reasonable and proportionate. I don't think you need to worry about it from a moral perspective. Whether it is worth the hassle, I don't know but I think it's good to deal with behaviour like this as it makes the workplace a better place for other women and our daughters.

KIlliePieMyOhMy · 10/04/2025 08:37

BleachedJumper · 10/04/2025 08:12

I’d secure a new job and then put in the complaint.

Look after yourself in this world, as no one else is going to jump in and put your interests first otherwise. He may have mitigating circumstances he can use to ‘explain’ his behaviour, and that’s what he will attempt to do, to look out for his own interests. But the complaint will be investigated, and the business will act in their best interests in the balance as well.

I left a job due to a very poor manager, and did informally raise my concerns about his conduct at the point of my resignation. 4 weeks later the organisation contacted me to say that he was no longer employed by them and would I like to return, which I did. It emerged that the previous 2/3 employees in my role had left for similar reasons to me, but I was the first to vocalise my concerns. If no one reports, nothing will change.

this.

Maitri108 · 10/04/2025 08:37

would contact Acas for advice. Taking on a bully is very stressful and can take its toll. If you have counselling available via work I would take it.

You're making a mistake by trying to analyse his behaviour and empathise with him. He isn't just struggling with personal problems. There's a saying, when you squeeze an orange you get orange juice.

He deliberately targeted you, he probably has a history and he knew what he was doing re the 'small comments'. He's a bully and he had no empathy for you.

EilishMcCandlish · 10/04/2025 08:39

I'd have made the complaint to HR. Let them deal with it initially via his line management. If you haven't followed correct internal process first, not sure how it would turn into a financial settlement.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 10/04/2025 08:41

JC89 · 10/04/2025 08:04

I think you should make the complaint. What's to stop him doing the same to somebody else? He might be good at his job but presumably so are you? And the next person he pushes out?

This, 100%.

PlanningTowns · 10/04/2025 08:41

assuming your not in a union as you have sought legal advice…

In order to obtain any settlement it needs to start with a grievance. You can only do that whilst employed in the company not after. Get the policy and look at it. Grievances are awful for all included. You have to be clear about what you want

at the same time you can go to acas and follow their process of mediation. They don’t take sides and don’t advocate for you. This is where a union is incredibly helpful as they work with you.

you can through acas and whilst the grievance is being progressed ask for a settlement agreement. This is generally worked out on the basis of redundancy - generally not always. It would then be up to the employer if they wish to agree to it and there would be a negtiation around terms. All of this whilst the grievance continues. You can negotiate to leave immediately with no notice period and a good reference.

thing is your hr will balance that request likely outcome against tribunal for constructive dismissal.

you will need more legal advice no doubt and it will be incredibly stressful. Think about you and what you want not about him.

WhiskyandWater · 10/04/2025 08:41

OP sorry you’ve been through this. It’s awful. I say this kindly, you’re making excuses for him and that will make him think it’s ok to be a shit because he’s got stuff going on. We all have our own crap to deal with, just most of us don’t bring it to work. Please make the complaint. If you drop it half way through that’s fine if that’s what you need to do to protect your own mental health, but do make it. How dare he treat you like this! You don’t deserve it and he needs to learn that!

FoxedByACat · 10/04/2025 08:43

I can't see why you'd get any money/payout. But you should still make a formal complaint about him. Why haven't you done this already if HR said to do so? HR can't really do anything until people are prepared to put stuff in writing/make it formal??? Have you done this yet? You have to give HR the opportunity to sort things out before you can think about claims.

But yes, I'd keep job hunting because even if you do make a formal complaint the chances are he will be spoken to, given opportunity to improve his behaviour rather than being sacked though I appreciate this depends how bad the stuff that he's said/done is.

spinningisthebest · 10/04/2025 08:45

I took on a bully and it turned out that in doing so I empowered three other women to do the same- we had all been suffering in silence from misogynistic and sexist behaviour. The man concerned wept in front of me as he said he thought we were friends and his appalling behaviour was banter. I stayed and he changed his behaviour towards women so it did do some good, but more than anything else I felt so much better for calling him out.

Balloonhearts · 10/04/2025 08:45

YABU! You owe him nothing. Bloody complain! He needs to know this behaviour is not OK.

ExtraOnions · 10/04/2025 08:46

Why do you think they are going to offer you a settlement? This isn’t a Constructive Dismissal, they haven’t even started the internal process yet. They aren’t going to give you £25k based on what you said.

The Internal complaints / grievance process should have a timescale attached to it, and may not come out with the findings that you expect.

HR are not there for you, they are there to protect the interested of the company.

LadyRoughDiamond · 10/04/2025 08:48

If you’re struggling with the moral side of things, think of this in practical terms. This man has, effectively, forced you out of your job by making it untenable to stay. This means that you’re now, unfairly, in a vulnerable position as, even if you get another job, you have no redundancy protection until you’ve been in the role for a couple of years. That compensation money is your security. He owes you that.

Createausername1970 · 10/04/2025 08:51

I would put the complaint in now and see what happens. Don't expect any money from it though. Not saying you wouldn't be entitled, I genuinely don't know, but don't "expect" it.

If you get an offer in the meantime, go back to HR and tell them you have received an offer of employment and what is happening re. your complaint.

If you end up leaving you can very clearly in your resignation letter that it was this managers actions that prompted you to leave, you were very happy there otherwise.

Anybody treating their in-line staff (or any staff for that matter) in a discriminatory/bullying/unprofessional manner needs to be pulled up on it.

ExtraOnions · 10/04/2025 08:52

Createausername1970 · 10/04/2025 08:51

I would put the complaint in now and see what happens. Don't expect any money from it though. Not saying you wouldn't be entitled, I genuinely don't know, but don't "expect" it.

If you get an offer in the meantime, go back to HR and tell them you have received an offer of employment and what is happening re. your complaint.

If you end up leaving you can very clearly in your resignation letter that it was this managers actions that prompted you to leave, you were very happy there otherwise.

Anybody treating their in-line staff (or any staff for that matter) in a discriminatory/bullying/unprofessional manner needs to be pulled up on it.

I don’t think he’s her manager, just Senior in the department.

Agree people need to be treated with respect.

FeelingLessTired · 10/04/2025 08:55

BleachedJumper · 10/04/2025 08:12

I’d secure a new job and then put in the complaint.

Look after yourself in this world, as no one else is going to jump in and put your interests first otherwise. He may have mitigating circumstances he can use to ‘explain’ his behaviour, and that’s what he will attempt to do, to look out for his own interests. But the complaint will be investigated, and the business will act in their best interests in the balance as well.

I left a job due to a very poor manager, and did informally raise my concerns about his conduct at the point of my resignation. 4 weeks later the organisation contacted me to say that he was no longer employed by them and would I like to return, which I did. It emerged that the previous 2/3 employees in my role had left for similar reasons to me, but I was the first to vocalise my concerns. If no one reports, nothing will change.

I agree with this.

I left my last job due to my line manager. The entire time I was in that role (4 years) I was told about her behaviour forcing people to leave. I left but wanted to not make waves in what is a small industry. I regret it a very great deal. She lasted another two years and was then encouraged to leave after someone DID complain.

My former colleagues had a party to celebrate her leaving- one to which she was not invited.

FeelGettingPowerBack · 10/04/2025 08:56

What personal problems?

I work with people who have had sick children, been very ill themselves, have money issues and husbands have run off with someone else……. and they still manage to be nice, kind and professional.

This dickhead bully deserves no empathy or leeway. If you get a payout, you will have deserved it.

However, I’ve worked in HR and their job is to protect the business so be careful.

Swiftie1878 · 10/04/2025 08:56

Tbh, you shouldn’t have to make a formal complaint. This should have been sorted out as soon as it was raised, and you should be feeling happy again and wanting to stay.
It hasn’t been sorted out, so you owe it to future employees to make the complaint and ensure it can’t happen to someone else (perhaps it already is!).

Good luck with your interviews- hope you get a great new job. xx

Crazybaby123 · 10/04/2025 09:04

Do it. I was pushed out after i returned from mat leave by my boss and mat cover (male). I sjgned off suck as it was making me depressed and triggered PND, I raised a grievance, I didnt spare any one of those pricks. They Settled with a years pay.

NominatedNameOfTheDay · 10/04/2025 09:05

Put In the complaint then try as much as possible to detach emotionally from it. Be factual and professional, and know you haven’t done anything wrong by raising it.

AnticleaAndLaertes · 10/04/2025 09:05

I would report - if you dont he may continue doing it

It is not your responsibility to do it, so dont feel guilty if you dont, but I think you should

NominatedNameOfTheDay · 10/04/2025 09:06

NominatedNameOfTheDay · 10/04/2025 09:05

Put In the complaint then try as much as possible to detach emotionally from it. Be factual and professional, and know you haven’t done anything wrong by raising it.

And if there was any retaliation after the fact, that you’d have grounds for a bigger settlement

vxa2 · 10/04/2025 09:07

I would put the formal complaint in and start the internal process. The process is likely to have several stages - you should be able to get a copy of the formal process your employer follows, from HR. In my experience it can be a lengthy process which left me mentally and physically exhausted and didn’t achieve the outcome I had hoped for. In my case it was bullying and I hoped he would lose his job. In fact he was just redeployed within the organisation no doubt to do the same to someone else.

I am surprised a lawyer is talking about settlements when you haven’t even started the internal process. I am not sure why they would pay you £25k. If you are in a union speak to them or otherwise as others have said, you could speak the ACAS.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Wishboneswishes · 10/04/2025 09:11

I often think these things are morally wrong if you don’t report it. If he behaves like this with you then he will be doing it to other people. He won’t stop. The next person may not have your strength of character to deal with this. Report it. It is his problem and he needs to be stopped.