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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Email from my ex husband...

458 replies

Arlanymor · 09/04/2025 17:12

Dear Arlanymor, sincerely hope you are well. I need to know the date of our wedding because I have to fill in an X form. Are you able to remember please? Best regards, Ex Wanker.

Sent to my WORK email. Which means he had to look it up online.

I divorced him for adultery nearly two decades ago now. Also the clue is in 'our wedding' isn't it? You were there on the day dickhead. We haven't been in contact since 2019 when he kept coming up as having looked at my profile on LinkedIn and I got in touch via their messenger to ask him not to.

This has got me so angry. "Oh Arlanymor - do me a favour please? Even though I am a cheating arsehole and should be able to fill in forms without bothering/the assistance of my ex-wife." The date is on the decree absolute you absolute toilet goblin.

FUMING. FUMING. FUMING.

OP posts:
Original poster
Arlanymor · 09/04/2025 17:57

SpringIsSpringing25 · 09/04/2025 17:55

@Arlanymor

Just reply with the date. Nothing else.

Then you can forget about it, there's no need to cause more drama by giving him the wrong date or telling him to fuck off or any of the other witty replies, that just feeds into it.

You have a busy evening ahead, why give yourself something else to think about?

Oh I am - busy evening starts at 7pm, so just having a little vent on here (and a big glass of wine) before I have to toddle off.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 09/04/2025 17:57

Say it's 30th feb

Original poster
Arlanymor · 09/04/2025 17:58

Boredlass · 09/04/2025 17:55

Have to be honest, I don’t remember when I got married. We’ve been married for nearly 20 years. I’m just bad at dates. I know it’s in June sometime but that’s it. Luckily my DH doesn’t overreact

Not the same situation at all though is it.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 09/04/2025 17:58

I'd be very tempted to say I couldn't help as I'd repressed the memory. Let the lazy sod look at his divorce papers

soarklyknobs · 09/04/2025 17:58

You divorced him 20 years ago and yet he still wants you to do wife work for him 🙄

I would either:

a) never respond, or
b) respond with 👌

And proceed to respond with any further messages in the same way.

Wife work is not your job any more 🤷‍♀️

diddl · 09/04/2025 17:58

Why do posters think Op should tell him?

To "be kind"?

AnticleaAndLaertes · 09/04/2025 17:59

New email - who this?

PopeJoan2 · 09/04/2025 17:59

I identify with this. I got a phone call from someone I used to work with, and with whom I had once been deeply in love, asking me about something at work - I had left that workplace years before. He was on holiday with his girlfriend and someone had sent him a query from work that he passed onto me.

It is good that you are fuming (I stupidly gave him advice!). Now, delete the email and pretend you never received it. Do something nice for yourself.

Basketslipper · 09/04/2025 18:01

No because then it done and finished with and OP can stop "FUMING. FUMING. FUMING"

Any other action is going to bring repeat contact.

Riversof0tter5 · 09/04/2025 18:02

Delete.
He can use search services like people who research family history, or he can write to the relevant authority which holds the record.
It's inappropriate for him to contact you at work.

Winterwonders24 · 09/04/2025 18:02

"Sorry, who's this?"

ThatSchoolOfficeLady · 09/04/2025 18:02

Aliflowers · 09/04/2025 17:18

I’d reply I can’t remember.

Yes this! Please do this 🤣

Fabellini · 09/04/2025 18:04

“I think I’d probably reply, I’m sorry I don’t remember, but I know it’s in the decree absolute. I no longer have my copy to hand so you’ll need to dig out your one”
I wouldn’t help him, but I wouldn’t give the wrong date either.
And I understand why it’s caught you off guard op, I wouldn’t like that either.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2025 18:04

@Arlanymor

My exH called me about a year after our divorce and told me he was filling out an employment form and needed my maiden name. I told him if he didn't remember it, that wasn't my problem and to never call me again.

I'd actually filled out an application for the agency he said he was applying for and I knew there were no questions about an ex-spouse on it. But even if there were I wouldn't have given him any info. But I suspect he never told the GI Bill (US programme) that we'd divorced and they were still paying him the spousal supplement and they were the ones looking for info because I'd had a call about 6 weeks earlier asking if he was still living in the home.

I'd either ignore the email or I'd tell your exH that you have blocked that entire period out of your mind and no longer remember. In fact, I think the suggested 'Who dis?' rather covers it.

EquinoxQueen · 09/04/2025 18:06

Fabellini · 09/04/2025 18:04

“I think I’d probably reply, I’m sorry I don’t remember, but I know it’s in the decree absolute. I no longer have my copy to hand so you’ll need to dig out your one”
I wouldn’t help him, but I wouldn’t give the wrong date either.
And I understand why it’s caught you off guard op, I wouldn’t like that either.

Totally agree with this approach. It bats it back, is factual and somewhat helpful. Don’t do the wife work for someone who hasn’t been I. Your life for such a long time.

nomas · 09/04/2025 18:07

If you do want to respond, I would just say ‘I’ve lost the decree absolute and don’t remember the date. You can get a copy from the courts.’

Randomer27 · 09/04/2025 18:10

EquinoxQueen · 09/04/2025 18:06

Totally agree with this approach. It bats it back, is factual and somewhat helpful. Don’t do the wife work for someone who hasn’t been I. Your life for such a long time.

Show quote history

I also vote for the same reasons.
I think it’s a great reply.

GameOfJones · 09/04/2025 18:10

Oh God please don't reply with something inane like "who dis?" or some snarky reply or the wrong date. It just shows him that he still affects you.

I wouldn't reply at all, just delete and let him wonder whether you ever received it. He can do his own life admin.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 09/04/2025 18:10

He probably needs it as he’s marrying some other poor sod.

Theunamedcat · 09/04/2025 18:10

Fabellini · 09/04/2025 18:04

“I think I’d probably reply, I’m sorry I don’t remember, but I know it’s in the decree absolute. I no longer have my copy to hand so you’ll need to dig out your one”
I wouldn’t help him, but I wouldn’t give the wrong date either.
And I understand why it’s caught you off guard op, I wouldn’t like that either.

I would probably do this to be honest although I would be tempted to tell him the wrong date

My ex called me from the tattoo shop to confirm our children's date of birth for his tattoo I will admit I had a brief wrestle with myself before giving him the correct dates

LyingSmilingInTheDark · 09/04/2025 18:11

Basketslipper · 09/04/2025 18:01

No because then it done and finished with and OP can stop "FUMING. FUMING. FUMING"

Any other action is going to bring repeat contact.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I wouldn't be doing his busy work that he's too lazy or stupid to complete in the meek hope he'll leave me alone in future.

It's wildly inappropriate behaviour to contact to ask in the first place. Wildly inappropriate behaviour should never be rewarded with a response, much less a helpful one that positively reinforces the behaviour.

Deleting and blocking/setting up an automatic email rule is a much more reliable route to no repetition of nasty shocks.

thinktwice36 · 09/04/2025 18:11

Aliflowers · 09/04/2025 17:18

I’d reply I can’t remember.

This is wonderful 😂😂😂

LBFseBrom · 09/04/2025 18:12

I like 'toilet goblin' and will borrow it if you do not mind.

He's an idiot, he only has to look online and can find it for himself.

hopingtofeelbetter · 09/04/2025 18:12

Give him the wrong date

Original poster
Arlanymor · 09/04/2025 18:12

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 09/04/2025 18:10

He probably needs it as he’s marrying some other poor sod.

He's already done that - I felt very sorry for her!

OP posts:
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