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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit my SD at her university?

158 replies

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:22

This might be controversial...

So, a little background. I've had sort of a rocky relationship with my eldest step daughter. She had a hard time getting over her parents divorce, and because my husband had a bad marriage for a very long time, he moved onto me quite quickly afterwards... I had gone away to military training for a year, during which my lease had expired, and having no where to go, I moved into my husband's (then boyfriend's) house. This, I admit, was a mistake, because it was like "Hi, I'm MossLover. I'm with your dad and I live here now." Total shock, big adjustment, wrong order of things-- you probably get it.

It's been about 7 years, two other houses, many apologies and much (ongoing) therapy, and a new little sister since then, and while we've made a lot of progress, she's still not over it entirely (Or, I guess I should say, she's still "processing her emotions" from it.) Every once in a while, we'll hang out as a family, and she'll be fine during. But afterwards she becomes cold and angry towards her father. Until recently, she would even go as far as to hit him. The most recent time this happened, she didn't answer any of his calls or texts for over a week, which was really hard for him, especially since she's been away at university in a different country and she's only back for a short while.

What had upset her was that she asked DH when he was coming to visit her at university, since he hasn't been to visit since move in day. He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip. (He said to me, "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?") So she got angry and started ignoring him.

Obviously they've made up since, and had a heart to heart about it, but I think the feelings will arise once more when the topic of visiting comes up in the future. And on one hand, I kinda get it: going away to university has given her space from her step parents, step siblings, and half-sister, and all the negative feelings that come along with being around them. I want her to be able to have that, with the hope it will allow her to process, heal, find herself... maybe mature a little.

On the other, I would love the opportunity to travel and to see where she's going to school. Even though she doesn't like me or see me as a parent figure, I still see her as a daughter, and I'm interested in her life. I'm proud of her. And part of me is so over doing so much to tiptoe around her feelings. Like, in the past, DH has arranged entirely separate vacations just so he could go on them with both his daughters and our family without SD's moods ruining it for him. I thought we had moved past that, but maybe not.

I feel both selfish and indignant.

Thoughts? AIBU?

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 09/04/2025 14:32

Could DH fly out first and visit his DD giving them time together and then you fly to join him afterwards and get to travel.

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 09/04/2025 14:33

She doesn't like you. Going to visit with him is just rubbing salt into the wound. He needs to go without you. If it is too far then he goes alone abd you join him a few days later to go on holiday. I can't see why you would want to impose yourself if there is a long time dislike

Secularbeaver · 09/04/2025 14:39

Probably going against the grain here but presumably she's 18, she needs to grow up and get over it.

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 09/04/2025 14:42

Sorry OP no where in your post have your or your husband put his daughter first. You talk about what you both want but not about her or her needs. Childcare can be arranged and he should go without you and your other daughter. He is basically saying your daughter is more important that she is.

Now you say she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want you to visit but because you want to travel you should go and visit her.

Read your post again as if you were another OP or your step daughter.

YABVU and the fact you have to ask tells me that you may need to consider how not to be selfish and put you, your hubby and daughter first.

TheNightingalesStarling · 09/04/2025 14:43

Either you stay home with half sister,

Or you all travel, he spends time with her alone, and you don't see her at all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2025 14:43

I think the emotions you expressed in the last full paragraph could be communicated to her (not the tiptoeing bit of course). That you care about her, want to know her, are interested, but understand. Having said that, could you visit together but see her as much as she is comfortable. You’d need to amuse yourself while they are together, but meet for a meal or two if she’s happy with that. Be led by her.

Because there’s a powerless little girl in her trying to assert her boundaries, ones she was denied by you as a child. If you can show very strongly that you respect her choices, at every turn, it may help. But if you do that, be prepared to not see her at all on the trip and see little of your DH.

Original poster
MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:44

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 09/04/2025 14:33

She doesn't like you. Going to visit with him is just rubbing salt into the wound. He needs to go without you. If it is too far then he goes alone abd you join him a few days later to go on holiday. I can't see why you would want to impose yourself if there is a long time dislike

I suppose in my fantasy, we'd all go round the school together, with SD telling us all about it, and then DH and I would explore while she's in class, and afterwards we'd all go out to dinner together.

Instead if I go, it will probably be SD giving DH a tour while I look around on my own, DH and I exploring while she's in class, and then DH having to decide between eating with SD without me, or us eating together and risk her sulking/wrath

The whole thing just sucks. I think I'd rather just take our daughter on a trip somewhere else while he's away

OP posts:
justkeepswimingswiming · 09/04/2025 14:44

She doesn’t want you in her life, respect that . Stop pushing yourself onto the poor girl.

SpanThatWorld · 09/04/2025 14:45

Secularbeaver · 09/04/2025 14:39

Probably going against the grain here but presumably she's 18, she needs to grow up and get over it.

Thing is, she's an adult and that means she doesn't have to hang out with anyone at all. Doesn't need to acknowledge anyone. Doesn't need to see her dad. Can go completely NC (and a fair proportion of MN would cheer her along).

@MossLover You might see her as your daughter, but she isn't and your feelings for her clearly aren't reciprocated. You might be "so over" working around her feelings but you don't get to override them. She doesn't want to see you. You will only make things worse.

Acc0untant · 09/04/2025 14:46

Sounds like too many instances when she was growing up whereby her father put you above her needs.

She can't dictate you don't visit the country but she's also an adult, so she's well within her rights to decide she doesn't want to spend time with you. You aren't entitled to see her university or to have any of her time and that's a consequence for the behaviour of both you and her dad. Choice is yours.

Ablondiebutagoody · 09/04/2025 14:46

I think that you should stop elbowing your way into her stuff. You admit that it was a mistake in the past and it still is.

Don't take DH advice on this. He didnt exactly cover himself in glory previously either. Travel with him some other time.

Original poster
MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:49

Secularbeaver · 09/04/2025 14:39

Probably going against the grain here but presumably she's 18, she needs to grow up and get over it.

That's a part of how I feel.. Like I know it takes time to heal from hurt like that, and I don't want to rush her or anything, but it's also been years and years. It's hard to wait and be so divided.

OP posts:
MindlessDaydream · 09/04/2025 14:49

She doesn't owe you a relationship and you can't make her like you. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think doing your own trip with your DD at the same time as your DH's trip is a great idea.

2024onwardsandup · 09/04/2025 14:50

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:49

That's a part of how I feel.. Like I know it takes time to heal from hurt like that, and I don't want to rush her or anything, but it's also been years and years. It's hard to wait and be so divided.

Show quote history

Years and years where she was a child!!!!!

WhatNoRaisins · 09/04/2025 14:56

I sounds like your SD would really benefit from some time alone with her dad. It doesn't sound like you guys are going to be one big happy family anytime soon and you need to accept that for now.

UndermyShoeJoe · 09/04/2025 14:59

I mean she clearly harbours a lot of issues from how her father and you went about your relationship while she was a child. Even if you can admit you guys were too much too fast that’s fine but she was a child when that happened who just had her parents split double whammy of wtf. It also shapes how they see relationships.

She yes is now an adult which also means she doesn’t have to ever see you again if she doesn’t want to. Her father is who she wants to see and his choice if he will go or not. Your want to be there shouldn’t come between their relationship.

Hydwangea · 09/04/2025 14:59

Secularbeaver · 09/04/2025 14:39

Probably going against the grain here but presumably she's 18, she needs to grow up and get over it.

I don’t think she does. We’re allowed as both children and adults to dislike people and not want to spend time with them.

Hydwangea · 09/04/2025 15:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2025 14:43

I think the emotions you expressed in the last full paragraph could be communicated to her (not the tiptoeing bit of course). That you care about her, want to know her, are interested, but understand. Having said that, could you visit together but see her as much as she is comfortable. You’d need to amuse yourself while they are together, but meet for a meal or two if she’s happy with that. Be led by her.

Because there’s a powerless little girl in her trying to assert her boundaries, ones she was denied by you as a child. If you can show very strongly that you respect her choices, at every turn, it may help. But if you do that, be prepared to not see her at all on the trip and see little of your DH.

Being led by her would be listening, and not going

Canucksonice · 09/04/2025 15:02

You’ve been foisted upon her long enough, give her some breathing space, peace, and time to enjoy her father for crying out loud.

Your husband sounds like a selfish insensitive overgrown child:

  1. For moving a new woman into his children’s family home before the bed was barely cold
  2. For claiming he won’t be able to entertain himself while his daughter is in classes

He’s lucky his daughter wants anything to do with him. Is he supporting her financially as she studies whilst he’s wanting to fly you and your daughter to her unnecessarily?

It always shocks me that there are women of any age or relationship hanging around guys like this. I can only conclude he’s got a fat wallet.

Just one question, if he brought a new woman into your home to live with your daughter before you’d barely left the home, what would your opinion of him be then? Why should you want to visit something on a child you would not want done to your own.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 09/04/2025 15:02

As a child she had no choice but to suffer from you and her father's selfish decisions. Now she has a choice and she doesn't want you in her new home, understandably. Back off.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2025 15:03

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:49

That's a part of how I feel.. Like I know it takes time to heal from hurt like that, and I don't want to rush her or anything, but it's also been years and years. It's hard to wait and be so divided.

Show quote history

You're framing it all wrong. You don't actually heal in a total sense from ACE (adverse childhood events). We experience them differently to adult traumas. She had several ACEs caused by her parents, then you. She had no choices and everyone else prioritised themselves and as a child, that's like prison. There is no escape until you leave. She can learn to deal with it, learn to grow, learn to move forward. But it won't heal all up. And wanting her to move her boundaries now is you picking at her scab.

Give her power, let her lead. Offer but don't insist. Read up on ACEs and be happy she appears to have escaped the worst consequences.

Coconutter24 · 09/04/2025 15:04

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:44

I suppose in my fantasy, we'd all go round the school together, with SD telling us all about it, and then DH and I would explore while she's in class, and afterwards we'd all go out to dinner together.

Instead if I go, it will probably be SD giving DH a tour while I look around on my own, DH and I exploring while she's in class, and then DH having to decide between eating with SD without me, or us eating together and risk her sulking/wrath

The whole thing just sucks. I think I'd rather just take our daughter on a trip somewhere else while he's away

Edited
Show quote history

The whole thing just sucks. I think I'd rather just take our daughter on a trip somewhere else while he's away

So why don’t you do that?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2025 15:05

Hydwangea · 09/04/2025 15:01

Being led by her would be listening, and not going

Show quote history

Good point, well made. I think OP communicating her feeling (as long as she can avoid FOG and PA emotional stuff) is OK. But OP needs to rejig her thinking before that is possible.

Octavia64 · 09/04/2025 15:09

You see her as a daughter.

she doesn’t see you as family at all. She most likely saw you as a threat to her family and home environment as a teen and honestly that’s not a good start for a relationship to develop.

she has grown up. She’s unlikely to get over it.

even adults don’t cope with these sorts of situations well - see the number of posts about dad’s new wife etc.

you can’t make her see you as family.

as she gets older she might be more prepared to for politeness sake or she might just not see either of you.

Original poster
MossLover · 09/04/2025 15:10

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 09/04/2025 14:42

Sorry OP no where in your post have your or your husband put his daughter first. You talk about what you both want but not about her or her needs. Childcare can be arranged and he should go without you and your other daughter. He is basically saying your daughter is more important that she is.

Now you say she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want you to visit but because you want to travel you should go and visit her.

Read your post again as if you were another OP or your step daughter.

YABVU and the fact you have to ask tells me that you may need to consider how not to be selfish and put you, your hubby and daughter first.

I see what you're saying.

I did want to add, I think we tried to give her space for a long time. After the first move, I got a cheap (kind of crappy) one-room flat near where I was going to university, about 45 minutes away. The days his daughters came over, I stayed in the flat, even though the days didn't align very well with my class schedule and it meant a lot of driving back and forth if I wanted to spend any time with my husband.. (I don't mean to make it about me again, but I'm just trying to illustrate some of the trouble we went to.)

We tried easing back into integrating, with just dinners or a movie together, but it always went poorly. When covid hit, it was just untenable to be alone, and we were all stuck in the house together doing online schooling. Tensions were awful. SD nearly lost her mind when she found out I was pregnant, and the girls abruptly decided to stay at their mum's permanently about a month before I was due. SD didn't want anything to do with DD for the first few years of her life. Hubby was devastated...Like I said, he would arrange separate vacations for us, even though it was expensive and hard to do with his work schedule, and difficult for me to be alone when I was a new mum. A lot of hurt feelings everywhere.

SD's mum forced integration with her partner and his kids as well, and was having none of her objections. I can imagine SD felt trapped on all sides.

Okay. Giving her space it is.

OP posts: