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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit my SD at her university?

158 replies

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:22

This might be controversial...

So, a little background. I've had sort of a rocky relationship with my eldest step daughter. She had a hard time getting over her parents divorce, and because my husband had a bad marriage for a very long time, he moved onto me quite quickly afterwards... I had gone away to military training for a year, during which my lease had expired, and having no where to go, I moved into my husband's (then boyfriend's) house. This, I admit, was a mistake, because it was like "Hi, I'm MossLover. I'm with your dad and I live here now." Total shock, big adjustment, wrong order of things-- you probably get it.

It's been about 7 years, two other houses, many apologies and much (ongoing) therapy, and a new little sister since then, and while we've made a lot of progress, she's still not over it entirely (Or, I guess I should say, she's still "processing her emotions" from it.) Every once in a while, we'll hang out as a family, and she'll be fine during. But afterwards she becomes cold and angry towards her father. Until recently, she would even go as far as to hit him. The most recent time this happened, she didn't answer any of his calls or texts for over a week, which was really hard for him, especially since she's been away at university in a different country and she's only back for a short while.

What had upset her was that she asked DH when he was coming to visit her at university, since he hasn't been to visit since move in day. He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip. (He said to me, "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?") So she got angry and started ignoring him.

Obviously they've made up since, and had a heart to heart about it, but I think the feelings will arise once more when the topic of visiting comes up in the future. And on one hand, I kinda get it: going away to university has given her space from her step parents, step siblings, and half-sister, and all the negative feelings that come along with being around them. I want her to be able to have that, with the hope it will allow her to process, heal, find herself... maybe mature a little.

On the other, I would love the opportunity to travel and to see where she's going to school. Even though she doesn't like me or see me as a parent figure, I still see her as a daughter, and I'm interested in her life. I'm proud of her. And part of me is so over doing so much to tiptoe around her feelings. Like, in the past, DH has arranged entirely separate vacations just so he could go on them with both his daughters and our family without SD's moods ruining it for him. I thought we had moved past that, but maybe not.

I feel both selfish and indignant.

Thoughts? AIBU?

OP posts:
orangedream · 09/04/2025 15:13

Have you thought that there's probably a reason she's going to university in a different country? I'd leave her there in peace and let her father visit.

Tiswa · 09/04/2025 15:13

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:44

I suppose in my fantasy, we'd all go round the school together, with SD telling us all about it, and then DH and I would explore while she's in class, and afterwards we'd all go out to dinner together.

Instead if I go, it will probably be SD giving DH a tour while I look around on my own, DH and I exploring while she's in class, and then DH having to decide between eating with SD without me, or us eating together and risk her sulking/wrath

The whole thing just sucks. I think I'd rather just take our daughter on a trip somewhere else while he's away

Edited
Show quote history

The problem is you have created a fantasy without doing any work in reality

notatinydancer · 09/04/2025 15:16

Please don’t be that SM who never let her SD see her Dad alone. I had one of those.
Yes it is partly the Dad’s fault but let him go and see her on his own.

notatinydancer · 09/04/2025 15:16

Secularbeaver · 09/04/2025 14:39

Probably going against the grain here but presumably she's 18, she needs to grow up and get over it.

Things like this can hurt for years.

Hankunamatata · 09/04/2025 15:16

How far away is the uni?

DelphiniumBlue · 09/04/2025 15:26

DH doesn't seem to be getting it.. his DD asks when is he going to visit ( meaning that she wants to see him) and he starts moaning about difficulties and who he's going to bring with him and childcare responsibilities.. she doesn't want to hear all that, she wants to see her dad, and for him to want to to see her.
Why can't he just pop over to wherever it is for a few days? Bringing you and the baby just complicates things, it means he won't be able to just hang with her, it means she won't be put first even for 24 hours. It'll be about the little sister's routine, your likes and dislikes or preferences, and not hers.
Tell him to go alone.

Tomatoeplants4sale645 · 09/04/2025 15:30

I would send her a box of Easter goodies that she can share with her friends at uni.
Some small eggs
Some hot chocolate sachets
Some biscuits

2024onwardsandup · 09/04/2025 15:31

Tomatoeplants4sale645 · 09/04/2025 15:30

I would send her a box of Easter goodies that she can share with her friends at uni.
Some small eggs
Some hot chocolate sachets
Some biscuits

oh god don’t do this

rosemarble · 09/04/2025 15:32

He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD

SD hears "Dad prioritises 1/2 sister over me".

Why is it complex to find childcare? Is he the main carer?

diddl · 09/04/2025 15:37

He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD

I didn't understand this either.

Silvers11 · 09/04/2025 15:38

Unfortunately @MossLover She is unlikely to ever fully 'heal' as you put it.

You already know your introduction to your SD was done very badly and you know you and your DH made a big mistake, but the traumatic effect on an 11 year old, who's had her world turned upside down by a divorce, and then a step parent very shortly afterwards - that can't be undone.

She doesn't like you sadly, and your saying that you see her as your daughter, is probably coming across to your SD as probably making things worse.

She may learn to deal with things and at least be polite with you in a few years. 18 is still young. But in the meantime you need to back off and let her have lots of time with her Dad alone. Do not even think about trying to see her at her University. Personally I wouldn't even go with your DH. She will be upset, if he says to her that you are with him. If you must go for a holiday, go several days later after he has spent undivided time with her. But my advice would be don't go at all. Give the girl space and take on board that she is not your daughter and stop trying to think as if she is? Accept reality, treat her as an adult and accept her boundaries.

I feel for you, so this post is meant kindly. We all make mistakes. I hope things all work out, in time

EDITED TO ADD:
The fact that your DH told her that Childcare is difficult, he managed to also tell her that she was still less important than his second family. He doesn't sound like he would win any awards for Father of the year. What a stupid and unkind thing to say to her

Pices · 09/04/2025 15:38

How much older are you than her? Honestly just leave him to go. Happy families just isn’t going to happen in this scenario. He botched this majorly in the beginning and neither of her parents have put her first.

PlanetOtter · 09/04/2025 15:39

She doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to see you.

Bits of her childhood sound miserable, because you and her father prioritised yourselves over her. Ideally, prioritise her for a bit. If you can’t do that, leave her alone.

Muffinmam · 09/04/2025 15:46

MossLover · 09/04/2025 15:10

I see what you're saying.

I did want to add, I think we tried to give her space for a long time. After the first move, I got a cheap (kind of crappy) one-room flat near where I was going to university, about 45 minutes away. The days his daughters came over, I stayed in the flat, even though the days didn't align very well with my class schedule and it meant a lot of driving back and forth if I wanted to spend any time with my husband.. (I don't mean to make it about me again, but I'm just trying to illustrate some of the trouble we went to.)

We tried easing back into integrating, with just dinners or a movie together, but it always went poorly. When covid hit, it was just untenable to be alone, and we were all stuck in the house together doing online schooling. Tensions were awful. SD nearly lost her mind when she found out I was pregnant, and the girls abruptly decided to stay at their mum's permanently about a month before I was due. SD didn't want anything to do with DD for the first few years of her life. Hubby was devastated...Like I said, he would arrange separate vacations for us, even though it was expensive and hard to do with his work schedule, and difficult for me to be alone when I was a new mum. A lot of hurt feelings everywhere.

SD's mum forced integration with her partner and his kids as well, and was having none of her objections. I can imagine SD felt trapped on all sides.

Okay. Giving her space it is.

Show quote history

She’s an adult now. The time for her to have just her father and your daughter together is over.

I say travel with your husband and daughter and you stay in the hotel while he does activities with her.

She needs to get over herself. Both of her parents have moved on. Her hitting her father is absolutely disgusting and must never happen again.

Who is paying for her University in a foreign country??

Blackbird84 · 09/04/2025 15:49

OP, she doesn’t want anything to do with you. And that’s OK, her right as an adult. She doesn’t have to ‘come round to you’, or even gel with her half sibling. Your husband should be v brave and manage to be on his own, when he visits her and she has classes.

Starlight1984 · 09/04/2025 15:50

He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip.

Huh? How come if you are free to go with him and take your DD along you can't look after her at home whilst he goes to visit his daughter alone?

Original poster
MossLover · 09/04/2025 15:51

I don't have a lot of time to respond to everyone's comments today (suddenly I've got a shower to fix and gym clothes to run over to DH on top of my other responsibilities), but I do appreciate everyone's perspectives and comments, especially @MrsTerryPratchett 's. Thank you

OP posts:
QuirkInTheMatrix · 09/04/2025 15:51

If you stayed at home why would any childcare be needed for the youngest because you’d be with the youngest. You should stay at home and allow your dsd badly needed time with her dad. She’s not your dd, you say she feels like your dd…it’s obviously not mutual. You need to put her first rather than thinking of yourself and how nice it would be to have a little jolly. I’m sure your dh can go at a weekend when she’s not in class or if it’s so far that he needs to go for longer she won’t be in class all day and evening. He can entertain himself for a bit surely.

GraySILK · 09/04/2025 15:52

Your ‘D’H sounds like a selfish git. Fine when it’s worked in your favour but if this was 16 years in the future and it was your DD this happened to, I suspect you would view it differently.

Yes she’s an adult but I echo what others have said and his needs, your needs were priority. Even this situation, he wants you to go because he doesn’t fancy a few hours alone.

If anyone needs to grow up it’s DH.

Frostynoman · 09/04/2025 15:59

Just picking up on the fact that the Mum has also moved in with another partner and didn’t take any of this: why is it selfish of the Dad to move on?

Obviously the SD having had therapy suggests there are deep rooted issues here, however unless the entire family unit engaged in that therapeutic process then she essentially holds that unit to ransom - that’s not undermining here needs here: At what point does it become ‘time to grow up’ as another poster put it? She can have needs and boundaries without denying other peoples needs and boundaries. I think this needs tackling appropriately and professionally

Crazybaby123 · 09/04/2025 16:00

She's still that girl who's dad left her at the time she needed him the most. I think it will be a long long long time before she does indeed get over it. She will, it might even take for her to have her own kids to get there though. Iv'e seen many people including myself have major issues from being the apple of your dads eye, the princess in the story where your dads the king, to suddenly dads not there and the fairy story implodes.
Give her space and still be the person you are being, supportive and kind.

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 16:10

Presumably she is there for a few years, so there will be lots of visits. I’d suggest you find a way of dad doing a solo weekend visit ( presumably no lectures on Saturdays and Sundays) and you both doing a trip ( perhaps with half sister but not step siblings) a bit later. And, as Mrs Terry Pratchett said, tell her how marvellous you think she is, what a wonderful role model she is for her half sister and how loved she is.

Namechangedasouting987 · 09/04/2025 16:13

It took me until I was 34 to accept my SM. Just so you are aware of time frames.
And my SM was never forced into my living arrangements when I was a child. I was 16 and my dad pretended to live alone for about 6 months before moving in and marrying the woman he 'didn't' leave my mum for within the year.
He handled it shockingly. I didn't see him until I was forced to go to his wedding by my DM, who thought she was doing the right thing.
I hardly saw either of them after that. My relationship with my dad and SM only improved when I had my own DC, and I could see parents were just normal people making a hash of stuff.
At least your SD wants to see her dad. Let her. If you want to really help, push your DH to spend time with her alone, and facilitate that. Make it easy for them. And stay in the background.

UndermyShoeJoe · 09/04/2025 16:16

Frostynoman · 09/04/2025 15:59

Just picking up on the fact that the Mum has also moved in with another partner and didn’t take any of this: why is it selfish of the Dad to move on?

Obviously the SD having had therapy suggests there are deep rooted issues here, however unless the entire family unit engaged in that therapeutic process then she essentially holds that unit to ransom - that’s not undermining here needs here: At what point does it become ‘time to grow up’ as another poster put it? She can have needs and boundaries without denying other peoples needs and boundaries. I think this needs tackling appropriately and professionally

We don’t know when the stepdad moved in or that the same pressure were applied.

Also though sexist stepdads are not expected to do half as much as stepmums so likely his been more just a body in the house rather than trying to be a parent. Does she have new half siblings in that house as well?

Op says girls refused to come. So I wonder either typo or how the who daughter feels also?

unlikelywitch · 09/04/2025 16:17

You’re being extremely entitled. She doesn’t want a relationship with you and has physically moved abroad to create distance between you. Leave her alone.

Her selfish and useless father should think himself lucky that she still wants a relationship with him, and make the effort to visit her and spend some quality time just the two of them. The poor girl was very badly let down as a child, and unfortunately for you and your little fantasy life (which you’ve put no effort into actually achieving), that’s not something she’ll be able to just ‘get over’.

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