To want to visit my SD at her university?

[MossLover]

This might be controversial...

So, a little background. I've had sort of a rocky relationship with my eldest step daughter. She had a hard time getting over her parents divorce, and because my husband had a bad marriage for a very long time, he moved onto me quite quickly afterwards... I had gone away to military training for a year, during which my lease had expired, and having no where to go, I moved into my husband's (then boyfriend's) house. This, I admit, was a mistake, because it was like "Hi, I'm MossLover. I'm with your dad and I live here now." Total shock, big adjustment, wrong order of things-- you probably get it.

It's been about 7 years, two other houses, many apologies and much (ongoing) therapy, and a new little sister since then, and while we've made a lot of progress, she's still not over it entirely (Or, I guess I should say, she's still "processing her emotions" from it.) Every once in a while, we'll hang out as a family, and she'll be fine during. But afterwards she becomes cold and angry towards her father. Until recently, she would even go as far as to hit him. The most recent time this happened, she didn't answer any of his calls or texts for over a week, which was really hard for him, especially since she's been away at university in a different country and she's only back for a short while.

What had upset her was that she asked DH when he was coming to visit her at university, since he hasn't been to visit since move in day. He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip. (He said to me, "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?") So she got angry and started ignoring him.

Obviously they've made up since, and had a heart to heart about it, but I think the feelings will arise once more when the topic of visiting comes up in the future. And on one hand, I kinda get it: going away to university has given her space from her step parents, step siblings, and half-sister, and all the negative feelings that come along with being around them. I want her to be able to have that, with the hope it will allow her to process, heal, find herself... maybe mature a little.

On the other, I would love the opportunity to travel and to see where she's going to school. Even though she doesn't like me or see me as a parent figure, I still see her as a daughter, and I'm interested in her life. I'm proud of her. And part of me is so over doing so much to tiptoe around her feelings. Like, in the past, DH has arranged entirely separate vacations just so he could go on them with both his daughters and our family without SD's moods ruining it for him. I thought we had moved past that, but maybe not.

I feel both selfish and indignant.

Thoughts? AIBU?

Haven’t you read stories by people whose parents forced stepparents and half siblings on them ? They are hurt and damaged decades later.

I’m not saying that this is your fault but the parents prioritised their sexual needs over the children which is going to cause resentment. It’s easier to blame the stepparent rather than parent because we are biologically programmed to be more forgiving of their bad behaviour. The truth is that blending families is usually for the benefit of the adults and the kids know it. It’s not you personally- any woman that did the same things would be in your position and I would assume that she’d never get over it. Her parents’ selfish behaviour has probably hurt her deeply and healing will probably mean keeping busy and distancing herself from her parents rather than accepting you in her life.

This is a chance for your h to show that he prioritises her. Showing up with you demonstrates that you are more important to him. Why on earth did he tell immediately go into the childcare stuff? When your child is your priority you make it happen and don’t make the half sibling the reason that it can’t happen. I hope that he didn’t tell her that he’d be bored without you there too. It’s fine for you and your h to travel the days before/after he sees dd but why wouldn’t your h give a day or two to his dd? If it’s not a place where there’s stuff to see and do, can he really not kill some time in the day at his hotel, at the cinema or at a hotel ? Clearly, he can only keep his relationship with his dd with little gestures like giving her some one on one time.

Yanbu to wish that you could visit her but that’s not possible because of her parents actions and you need to accept that in the same way that she accepts that you are her father’s wife.

You barged into her whole life and now you want to do it yet again so you can have a trip?

Back the fuck off.

She's likely never going to get over it and never going to like you. You and her dad rushed a relationship without caring what it was doing to her. Now you have to carry that.

Yes, that will put it all right. 🙄

It took years for me to develop a relationship with my stepkids @MossLover and that was with a period of years before I appeared on the scene and no more children in the mix.

I’m going to be very blunt here. You’re surplus to requirements on this visit, she needs time alone with her dad with you nowhere on the scene. Not only is it not all about you but you don’t even feature. Give them some space.

Sounds like it's her father who is being the real twat in all of this. Moving on at lightspeed, moving you in, moving you out, moving you back in during the most stressful time anybody has had in the best part of 80 years, new baby - now he's demanding that you go and hold his hand rather than interact with his own barely adult child.

Tell him you aren't going but he has to (if she wants him to, it's not guaranteed that she does after the way he's treated her since 2018 at the least, never mind how he was when he was on his way out of the marriage).

This
you can travel together. But he has time, lots of it, with his daughter alone,…

she wants her dad, not you…you or dh forcing you into a relationship ain’t going to make it better….back off..be supportive from a distance by asking dh to pass on birthday wishes, congratulations etc…and hope that time will heel. A lot of kids aren’t great at 18 and university..they sort of finally emerge as decent humans once they start working at around 22-23….hang in, stay respectful and it may all come good in the end.

@MossLover
I don’t understand why there would be a child care issue. Presumably he can go over to visit when she has an afternoon off lectures/over a weekend & spend time with her. I totally get why she doesn’t want a toddler step sister & you there at her uni. Just go and do something else that weekend.

When I was away at uni, my mum always visited me on her own. It was really important for us to have one-to-one time. Just hanging out with your parent is not the same thing as hanging out with your parent, a stepparent and a young child. Fwiw, I also moved an 8 hour flight away from my family to another country as an adult. When my mum came to see me here, for a week or two at a time, I’d say 3 times out of 4, she’d come without my stepdad. It was wonderful having that time with her.

I mean behavioural issues aside (which sound like longer standing parenting issues to me), if her dad has never even visited her at uni once, he needs to go alone and enjoy his time with her without thrusting hosting his partner and young child on her too. You stay home and look after your toddler, just like we all had to do while partners were away.

Your fantasy is exactly that- a fantasy. She’s not interested in you; in fact she doesn’t want you around. And you need to respect that if you want a remote possibility of her coming around at some point t in the future.

To you it has been years, to her this is her childhood that she will never get back. Her father created a family with another woman who is not her mother. He has moved a stranger into what was also her house. When she invites him to a place that now has a big significance in her life, he doesn't want to go without his new family, giving her once again the message that she is not that important to him and that she has been replaced. Of course she is angry. Who wouldn't be?

OP, if this had happened to you or to your husband, neither of you would have gotten over it. Your childhood is only once in your life. If it gets ruined because your parents are either feckless or selfish or through factors beyond anyone's control, then there is no way to set to right. It's a lost opportunity and a permanent wound, which may fade overtime, but will never disappear.

So she was 11 when her parents split up. You moved in very quickly.
Her mother has a new partner now so step family.
You have a baby in her teenage years.
She probably doesn’t like you. Leave her alone to have a relationship with her own father.
I think it’s you who needs to grow up. Poor girl.

Sorry but to the people who posted here….I feel astounded that people can think so little of the damage their choices make on their children. How can people be so wilfully negligent? That kid is scarred for life and it’s all just supposed to magically be okay because now they are an adult?

Sure bad things happen beyond anyones control happen, but this was wilful, continued and frankly selfish. I feel so sorry for the daughter in all this.

"I can't visit you, my daughter, because it's hard to find childcare for your half-sister."

"Well, maybe you could come and see me on your own, then, while half-sister stays at home with her mother?'

"No, sorry, I'm not coming to you see you, my daughter, because you're not important enough to me to have a few days away from my wife.'

That's basically the message your DH has sent to his daughter, even if he didn't mean to.

She wants to show her dad where she's living and feel that she is important to him.
His reaction of "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?" has told her exactly where she is.
She wants to feel he wants to come to see her, not have a holiday with his nice new family and drop in and see her as an aside.

He needs to go on his own and show her that he's thrilled she's there and how exciting he finds her new opportunities.

It's time with her dad she wants. She'd like some of his undivided attention, just for her. Sounds like she hasn't had it for years. Blended families can work, but I think there should be an acknowledgement that the blood ties need some special attention at times, away from the enforced bonding with everyone else.
It doesn't matter how old a child of a parent is - including well into adulthood - they still want some one-to-one time with their parents. Otherwise they feel pushed out, and that they've just been forced to accept a situation.
So while your SD is an adult now, her needs when she was a child were ignored. She feels rejected by her dad, and probably always will unless he takes time to spend with her. After that she might want to spend some time with you, but it could take years.

She's 18, and the fact that she doesn't want to see OP should be respected. I'm baffled It's even a question.

THIS

also op - don’t delude yourself it’s not entirely possible he’ll do the same thjng to you and your child one day….

Well said.

Also this

and I imagine that the ops husbands primary thinking was about what was lost convenient and fun for him

It’s perfectly normal for one DP to visit their DC at uni even for non blended families. If you come with young DD the focus shifts from DSD to making sure the young DC is fed and watered and getting her back to accommodation for bedtime. Conversely I think stepping away here and encouraging DH to go on his own will ultimately bring you closer in the long run, or at least get her to respect you more. Plus you can use the funds on a short break for you and DD instead so good all round.

I’m baffled by this too. I wouldn’t go with my partner to visit his son at university as those are 1-1 moments. It sounds like your DH really needs that 1-1 time where she feels prioritised and Lord knows she wasn’t when her father decided it was a good idea to move you in.

You think to one time with parents is over at eighteen? That’s a bit odd

Obviously we don't have this 18 year olds perspective so can only speculate but I suspect the only hope of anything getting better here is for her dad to make the effort to spend some one on one time with her.

Otherwise it's like that definition of insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Total no brainer this one. Your DH needs to visit his daughter alone.

She invited him not the whole family. She is an adult and it’s up to her who she sees.

Sounds like he’s already messed it up by over complicating it 🤷‍♀️

Exactly all the childcare excuses are just another reminder that this new child is being put above his DD.

The fact your husband even suggested it, with the history as it is and the relationship as it is, means he hasnt actually bloody learnt anything?!? What on earth is he playing at. He's getting annoyed he can't have the family he thinks he should have, rather than working with the one he does have which has cracks in it that he created. She needs bloody space - especially now!