To want to visit my SD at her university?

[MossLover]

This might be controversial...

So, a little background. I've had sort of a rocky relationship with my eldest step daughter. She had a hard time getting over her parents divorce, and because my husband had a bad marriage for a very long time, he moved onto me quite quickly afterwards... I had gone away to military training for a year, during which my lease had expired, and having no where to go, I moved into my husband's (then boyfriend's) house. This, I admit, was a mistake, because it was like "Hi, I'm MossLover. I'm with your dad and I live here now." Total shock, big adjustment, wrong order of things-- you probably get it.

It's been about 7 years, two other houses, many apologies and much (ongoing) therapy, and a new little sister since then, and while we've made a lot of progress, she's still not over it entirely (Or, I guess I should say, she's still "processing her emotions" from it.) Every once in a while, we'll hang out as a family, and she'll be fine during. But afterwards she becomes cold and angry towards her father. Until recently, she would even go as far as to hit him. The most recent time this happened, she didn't answer any of his calls or texts for over a week, which was really hard for him, especially since she's been away at university in a different country and she's only back for a short while.

What had upset her was that she asked DH when he was coming to visit her at university, since he hasn't been to visit since move in day. He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip. (He said to me, "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?") So she got angry and started ignoring him.

Obviously they've made up since, and had a heart to heart about it, but I think the feelings will arise once more when the topic of visiting comes up in the future. And on one hand, I kinda get it: going away to university has given her space from her step parents, step siblings, and half-sister, and all the negative feelings that come along with being around them. I want her to be able to have that, with the hope it will allow her to process, heal, find herself... maybe mature a little.

On the other, I would love the opportunity to travel and to see where she's going to school. Even though she doesn't like me or see me as a parent figure, I still see her as a daughter, and I'm interested in her life. I'm proud of her. And part of me is so over doing so much to tiptoe around her feelings. Like, in the past, DH has arranged entirely separate vacations just so he could go on them with both his daughters and our family without SD's moods ruining it for him. I thought we had moved past that, but maybe not.

I feel both selfish and indignant.

Thoughts? AIBU?

Why would you put yourself through the misery and heart ache of visiting the ungrateful spoilt little bitch, who doesn't like you anyway.
Let him go on your own and you and your daughter go away somewhere nice just the 2 of you.

She hits her father? Are we just going to ignore that huge red flag???

I'm going to go against the grain as well. Assuming you and your DH are for the long-term, things need to change. Slowly. You have a lot of love for her that you can express. Sulking is not an adult or reasonable response for an adult. She needs to voice her feelings. Also she needs to understand that you and her Dad are a unit now and while you understand her hurt, you need to work out how to get along for everybody's sake.

His fatherly relationship has nothing to do with him being “a unit” with his new wife. ENTIRELY separate relationship. That’s the point.

I think it is more a case of the OP needing for her to get over it, for the OP's benefit.

She got change pushed down her throat in the past, so more of that will certainly fix any previous hard feelings?

Frankly, based on the context, she is right wanting contact exclusively with her father. OP and DH want to play happy family, and want her to play along, which is abusive.

Her dad should go alone You should definitely back off on this one. She’s young and not as robust as you. Only just into adulthood and in a foreign country. Please please allow her this small thing. It won’t end well if you go too.

It’s entirely up to her! My ex tried to include his new wife every time he arranged to meet our DDs. He would not listen to their requests to just see him alone. Now he hasn’t seen either of them in years. Stay out of it!

I listened to Gwyneth Paltrow’s podcast with her husband yesterday… ‘The truth about step parenting’. I thought they made some really good points. Including the issue with giving too much power to the offspring…

YANBU to want to visit her, but under the circumstances it’s best DH goes alone.

He should be able to entertain himself when she’s in class, no wonder she was irritated.

Does she want a relationship with you currently OP? It is likely a very challenging time for her and she may need a bit of space and time to process things now she is living away.

That was a lovely message OP hopefully these occasional messages will help.

I agree with what a PP said as well about sending things that she might like or would be useful occasionally.

Building the relationship and trust is going to be slow but still seems possible.

Still making excuses for him. He's spent a lot of time choosing you over her. You can't leave your baby you have no childcare. She doesn't want you there, she wants a visit that is about seeing her Dad not you two having a lovely little holiday. How this has got any further than the first conversation where it was blindingly obvious he should go alone is utterly perplexing. And the fact that you've been dragging heels and telling her all this is even worse.

This pretty much sums up exactly how my now adult DDs have felt. I have tried my hardest to encourage them to see him but they feel that too much damage has been done to the relationship over the years because he has repeatedly put the new wife and DC above them. He’s refused invitations to see them alone and only wants to see them if it involves whole family gatherings with the SM’s family. For reasons I won’t go into, DDs have a very good reason for not wanting anything to do with the SMs family!

I’m 46 and it’s been 25 years since my dad left my wife for another woman. I still don’t like her and would rather spend time with my dad alone any day of the week. I’d just try and accept it if I were you - she doesn’t feel like your daughter and she never will.

OP just to give you a boost - I really liked my step mum in the end. She was the nicest adult in my world growing up. My relationship with my dad wasn’t great tho as he never made time to just spend with us. So the best thing you can do for all of you is help improve their relationship and the rest might come

We're talking about an adult child here though. And as an adult she had complete control over who she had a relationship with. The power dynamic has changed, and for better or worse, the OP and her DH need to tred lightly here.

Maybe listen to the podcast. The points made were relevant to all step children. Adults and minors.

I'm really sorry, but your stepdaughter has been in therapy because of all this and he hasn't realised how things might seem to her, how she needs to feel prioritised and have alone time with him to heal the relationship - I'm trying not to be rude here, but this is an incredibly common issue in blended families and it appears like your husband has done absolute nothing towards trying to figure out how to work on the relationship as if he'd have even done a 5 minute Google search on common blended family issues and how to solve them he would have come across this information. We're all going through life for the first time, and we all make mistakes, but it kind of sounds like he's done absolutely no self reflection or forward planning beyond 'sorry' and moving you back out initially. His relationship with his daughter has disintegrated over years to the point where she is violent, yet he hasn't accessed any professional help, even if that's just online support pages, himself? That's pretty astounding to me, given that he's had time to have another baby in the meantime. You can't just fix the problem in front of you and hope the feelings will go away when it comes to kids, which again he should know, and if he didn't, would have found out with even the barest minimum effort on his part. His child's in therapy but he has seemingly done nothing! He's been the adult here yet seems to think he doesn't need to actually put any thought into the way he parents, other than reacting to in the moment stuff. I'm sorry if this is harsh but in this day and age I just think there's no excuse to not even bloody Google it.

I don't need to. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The reality is that if you put down a hard boundary with an adult kid against their wishes you risk them cutting you out of their life. Which if that is a risk you need to take to make your life better go ahead and do it. But it doesn't stop it from being a realistic consequence.

Children don't forever owe their parents their presence. That's the reality. And in case where the adults have massively fucked up and not considered their child it's no surprise that the child is digging their heels in.

If the OP wants to be a more active part of her step daughter's life she needs to follow the SDD's lead. Forcing the issue is not going to improve the situation. You can't force anyone to like you.

I’m not sure what she wants. It seems like, with the “she hates me” comments, that it is/was important to her that I like her— which I do. And she and DD get on great, but it’s like, DD and I are kind of a package deal, y’know? Yeah, there are times when DH takes all three girls out without me, but for things like major holidays and the times when my MIL drags us all to Disney for the umpteenth time, we’re gonna all be together.

And we had a lovely time last Christmas together. DH had gotten her expensive gifts, but her favorite was a card game I had gotten her (I was reluctant to spend much money on her from-me-present because I’ve done that in the past only for her to abandon the gift once she found out who picked it out… for the same reason, every year when I made her birthday cake, we let DH take credit for it, but I digress). We had a lot of fun playing the card game for a couple hours after brunch… But then I think she remembered the situation as she and her sister were getting ready to leave, and she turned sour again. It felt like there was a little glimmer of hope, and then it was extinguished.

I remember being 18 too, though, and I think it’s pretty normal to want to go off on your own and get away from your parents. Helps people to find themselves and develop some independence, and like MsTerry said on the first page, now that she’s an adult, this is an opportunity to assert her boundaries, where she couldn’t when she was younger. But DH says he thinks she’s also struggling a bit with being so far away on her own. She calls him just about every day, which is a good thing of course… I can say, as an older observer, that I think she would benefit from having more supportive adults in her life rather than fewer, but that says nothing about whether that’s something she (consciously) wants, y’know?

I think it’s just gonna take some more time. I’m trying to remain patient and keep my fingers crossed.

Not to be rude, but I’m not sure you’ve read everything I detailed in this thread…or maybe you haven’t read it very closely.

Of course, completely understand and hopefully there will be times you will all be together in future, however probably best these are when she chooses to visit.

It’s a stressful time but IME it could precisely be because unprocessed childhood stuff is coming up now she’s away and it could be more overwhelming. Does she have student support like mentorship and/or counselling?

It’s great she’s in so much contact with her dad and this time together could be very healing. Being there to listen and tuning into what support she needs, planning fun things to do together.

I absolutely think he needs to be very mindful of not pushing an agenda, or even the hint of a suggestion you could come next time. DD should be the one to bring you up, not the other way around and continue to focus on listening and not offering an opinion.

Focus on the glimmers of hope, which it seems there are now she is getting older. Try not to take her reactions so personally and get disheartened in those moments when things cloud over. Teenagers can be emotionally changeable and reactive at the best of times, you may experience similar hot and cold reactions even if she were your biological rather than DSD.

God it just gets worse - the “child care problem” is that you guys want to have a fun couples holiday.

I feel so sorry for this poor young woman.

I hope she is able to properly break free of you all and be able to create her own support groups because none of her family are ever going to put her first - least of all her own father.

you’ll be posting in 15 years about how you just can’t understand why she’s upset seeing photos of her father dropping her half sister proudly off at uni

well you guys live together are married and have a child together so he has chosen you.

she is at university, if spending a week alone with his daughter is seen as "her vs you" situation that is ridiculous.
giving each child 1-1 time isn't favouritism

she lives abroad at university he will see her max what, 3 times a year?

i don't get how it can ever be seen as an either or considering his home and daily life is with you and DD and he has only seen SD part-time.

i think her changing moods after fun times as family is remembering that she's not fully part of the family you've created with DH or her mum and step father. she's just this perron in the middle who maybe feels unwelcome anywhere.

i think you will grow to be friends in time, once she feels that there is place for her in the world that she is able to build for herself. After feeling pushed out of her childhood world pretty young.

Yes! Do exactly that.

And your DH's objection is that he'd be bored while she's in class??? What a man child! He can go sightseeing and then tell her all about it; or get suggestions from her about things to see & do; it would be something for them to bond over surely.

The thing for him is that he never wanted it to be an either/or situation, and it didnt have to be, much of the time. But it was.

When non-blended families spend time together, usually everyone is included. Occasionally a parent might have one-on-one time with their children without the other parent or siblings, but it’s not the majority of the time. Even in families where the parents are divorced and they share custody, it’s generally not the case that a parent has to choose between spending time with one DC or the other; s/he just spends time with both at once.

When I got my apartment in order to try to give SD space and acclimate properly, DH didn’t see me for half of the week when the girls were over. We tried spending time all together occasionally, but it went poorly because SD would sulk the whole time and be nasty to DH afterwards. When it came time to go on vacations, it was either with me, or with his daughters, not both at once.

We all lived together again when Covid hit, but even then being in the same house wasn’t pleasant. Often SD wouldn’t eat with us at the dinner table, or she would leave the room if I came to sit and watch TV with the family. I took to making myself scarce half the time so he could still do these things with SD. Then they decided to stay with their mother full time, a month before I was due, and the only time SD agreed to see him was outside of our home, without me and our DD. If he even passingly mentioned me or the baby at all in conversation, she would shut down. There were a few holidays where she refused to spend time with us, so I took DD and spent them with my relatives, without DH. It was really difficult for him to have to split spending time with SD vs DD and myself.

We’ve gotten to the point where we’ve gone on vacations together (though SD and her sister are now old enough that if they want to go off on their own all day in an amusement park, they can do so), go out together, and relatively peaceably spend the holidays together (though, like I mentioned, SD’s moods still often take dark turns.)

So to DH, the idea of traveling without me to see SD felt like regressing to having to choose between his family members again, rather than an opportunity for much-needed one-on-one time.

(again, not disagreeing with responses here; just explaining his side of things and what all we went through)