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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit my SD at her university?

158 replies

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:22

This might be controversial...

So, a little background. I've had sort of a rocky relationship with my eldest step daughter. She had a hard time getting over her parents divorce, and because my husband had a bad marriage for a very long time, he moved onto me quite quickly afterwards... I had gone away to military training for a year, during which my lease had expired, and having no where to go, I moved into my husband's (then boyfriend's) house. This, I admit, was a mistake, because it was like "Hi, I'm MossLover. I'm with your dad and I live here now." Total shock, big adjustment, wrong order of things-- you probably get it.

It's been about 7 years, two other houses, many apologies and much (ongoing) therapy, and a new little sister since then, and while we've made a lot of progress, she's still not over it entirely (Or, I guess I should say, she's still "processing her emotions" from it.) Every once in a while, we'll hang out as a family, and she'll be fine during. But afterwards she becomes cold and angry towards her father. Until recently, she would even go as far as to hit him. The most recent time this happened, she didn't answer any of his calls or texts for over a week, which was really hard for him, especially since she's been away at university in a different country and she's only back for a short while.

What had upset her was that she asked DH when he was coming to visit her at university, since he hasn't been to visit since move in day. He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip. (He said to me, "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?") So she got angry and started ignoring him.

Obviously they've made up since, and had a heart to heart about it, but I think the feelings will arise once more when the topic of visiting comes up in the future. And on one hand, I kinda get it: going away to university has given her space from her step parents, step siblings, and half-sister, and all the negative feelings that come along with being around them. I want her to be able to have that, with the hope it will allow her to process, heal, find herself... maybe mature a little.

On the other, I would love the opportunity to travel and to see where she's going to school. Even though she doesn't like me or see me as a parent figure, I still see her as a daughter, and I'm interested in her life. I'm proud of her. And part of me is so over doing so much to tiptoe around her feelings. Like, in the past, DH has arranged entirely separate vacations just so he could go on them with both his daughters and our family without SD's moods ruining it for him. I thought we had moved past that, but maybe not.

I feel both selfish and indignant.

Thoughts? AIBU?

OP posts:
Springbirds · 11/04/2025 17:49

MossLover · 11/04/2025 16:55

The thing for him is that he never wanted it to be an either/or situation, and it didnt have to be, much of the time. But it was.

When non-blended families spend time together, usually everyone is included. Occasionally a parent might have one-on-one time with their children without the other parent or siblings, but it’s not the majority of the time. Even in families where the parents are divorced and they share custody, it’s generally not the case that a parent has to choose between spending time with one DC or the other; s/he just spends time with both at once.

When I got my apartment in order to try to give SD space and acclimate properly, DH didn’t see me for half of the week when the girls were over. We tried spending time all together occasionally, but it went poorly because SD would sulk the whole time and be nasty to DH afterwards. When it came time to go on vacations, it was either with me, or with his daughters, not both at once.

We all lived together again when Covid hit, but even then being in the same house wasn’t pleasant. Often SD wouldn’t eat with us at the dinner table, or she would leave the room if I came to sit and watch TV with the family. I took to making myself scarce half the time so he could still do these things with SD. Then they decided to stay with their mother full time, a month before I was due, and the only time SD agreed to see him was outside of our home, without me and our DD. If he even passingly mentioned me or the baby at all in conversation, she would shut down. There were a few holidays where she refused to spend time with us, so I took DD and spent them with my relatives, without DH. It was really difficult for him to have to split spending time with SD vs DD and myself.

We’ve gotten to the point where we’ve gone on vacations together (though SD and her sister are now old enough that if they want to go off on their own all day in an amusement park, they can do so), go out together, and relatively peaceably spend the holidays together (though, like I mentioned, SD’s moods still often take dark turns.)

So to DH, the idea of traveling without me to see SD felt like regressing to having to choose between his family members again, rather than an opportunity for much-needed one-on-one time.

(again, not disagreeing with responses here; just explaining his side of things and what all we went through)

Show quote history

why can’t this be one of the occasional times when your step-daughter has one to one time with her father? You admit these happen even in non blended families. I’ve taken each of my children away individually loads of times, as has their father. I go away with my mum without my siblings and they do the same. It’s normal and, in your poor step daughters case, is say it was necessary.
Why are your so resistant to her spending time alone with her father without you? I bet when your own daughter is older you’ll think it’s lovely if she and her dad want to spend time together.

just give the poor girl a break

rookiemere · 11/04/2025 18:18

Springbirds · 11/04/2025 17:49

why can’t this be one of the occasional times when your step-daughter has one to one time with her father? You admit these happen even in non blended families. I’ve taken each of my children away individually loads of times, as has their father. I go away with my mum without my siblings and they do the same. It’s normal and, in your poor step daughters case, is say it was necessary.
Why are your so resistant to her spending time alone with her father without you? I bet when your own daughter is older you’ll think it’s lovely if she and her dad want to spend time together.

just give the poor girl a break

Show quote history

If you read the whole thread it’s not OP that is pushing against this, it’s DSDs own DF, worried that the trip will be a bit boring and thinks that seeing his DD on his own means he is putting her before OP ( but mostly I suspect because it’s a long trip on his own and he will be bored).
I agree though , he should do it. It would mean a huge amount to DSD and weirdly I think OP stepping out of the equation for this one can only strengthen rather than weaken the current relationship.

Original poster
MossLover · 11/04/2025 18:34

@Springbirds www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5311582-to-want-to-visit-my-sd-at-her-university?reply=143451461&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

to anyone else reading this far… He’s agreed to either going alone or us going up separately so they have plenty of time together, so that I’m not encroaching. Again, I was explaining the reason for his initial reluctance, not saying that he’s currently pushing back.

Page 5 | To want to visit my SD at her university? | Mumsnet

This might be controversial... So, a little background. I've had sort of a rocky relationship with my eldest step daughter. She had a hard time gett...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5311582-to-want-to-visit-my-sd-at-her-university?reply=143451461

OP posts:
Cnidarian · 11/04/2025 18:40

MossLover · 11/04/2025 13:42

Not to be rude, but I’m not sure you’ve read everything I detailed in this thread…or maybe you haven’t read it very closely.

Show quote history

Well that is better. She probably didn't need to hear his internal monologue over decision making s9methibg to consider in future communications

Aworldofwonder · 11/04/2025 21:33

OP,

I sympathise. Your situation is very very similar to how mine was. My advice honestly is to step back fully; stop trying to force something. Leave the door open but leave them to it entirely.

I've accepted quite a few realities -
My DH made some terrible decisions
His (and his ex wife's) bad decisions created a very troubled child then adult who - presumably because they once felt helpless - tried to control everyone around her
I didn't have to pander to her and my DH didn't have to tolerate abuse
I might never have a relationship with her, certainly the blended family I'd hoped for was a pipedream
I had done my best with a regrettable situation I'd naively contributed to
My DC was my priority
DH would have to figure it out

Muffinmam · 13/04/2025 05:10

Springbirds · 09/04/2025 18:01

You think to one time with parents is over at eighteen? That’s a bit odd

Show quote history

I think the stepdaughter doesn’t have the leverage she had when she was a minor. She’s an adult now. She doesn’t get to dictate who her father associates with.

MrsMontyD · 13/04/2025 06:46

I have a good relationship with my step daughter, part of creating and maintaining that good relationship is not butting into her time with her father. I like to spend one on one time with my DD as well, we’re married but we’re not joined at the hip, we can do days out and even holidays with our respective DC as well as doing things together. Presumably you will visit your DD at University at some point without taking your step daughter along, or will everyone need to go then as well ?

Original poster
MossLover · 13/04/2025 19:35

MrsMontyD · 13/04/2025 06:46

I have a good relationship with my step daughter, part of creating and maintaining that good relationship is not butting into her time with her father. I like to spend one on one time with my DD as well, we’re married but we’re not joined at the hip, we can do days out and even holidays with our respective DC as well as doing things together. Presumably you will visit your DD at University at some point without taking your step daughter along, or will everyone need to go then as well ?

If DD goes to college somewhere cool and/or SD is interested in seeing her school, she will be welcome to come. I suspect (hope?) she will be busy with her own children by then, though. ('hope' not because I would
want her to be busy, but rather that I hope she settles down and has a family of her own who give her joy)

OP posts:
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