To want to visit my SD at her university?

[MossLover]

This might be controversial...

So, a little background. I've had sort of a rocky relationship with my eldest step daughter. She had a hard time getting over her parents divorce, and because my husband had a bad marriage for a very long time, he moved onto me quite quickly afterwards... I had gone away to military training for a year, during which my lease had expired, and having no where to go, I moved into my husband's (then boyfriend's) house. This, I admit, was a mistake, because it was like "Hi, I'm MossLover. I'm with your dad and I live here now." Total shock, big adjustment, wrong order of things-- you probably get it.

It's been about 7 years, two other houses, many apologies and much (ongoing) therapy, and a new little sister since then, and while we've made a lot of progress, she's still not over it entirely (Or, I guess I should say, she's still "processing her emotions" from it.) Every once in a while, we'll hang out as a family, and she'll be fine during. But afterwards she becomes cold and angry towards her father. Until recently, she would even go as far as to hit him. The most recent time this happened, she didn't answer any of his calls or texts for over a week, which was really hard for him, especially since she's been away at university in a different country and she's only back for a short while.

What had upset her was that she asked DH when he was coming to visit her at university, since he hasn't been to visit since move in day. He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip. (He said to me, "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?") So she got angry and started ignoring him.

Obviously they've made up since, and had a heart to heart about it, but I think the feelings will arise once more when the topic of visiting comes up in the future. And on one hand, I kinda get it: going away to university has given her space from her step parents, step siblings, and half-sister, and all the negative feelings that come along with being around them. I want her to be able to have that, with the hope it will allow her to process, heal, find herself... maybe mature a little.

On the other, I would love the opportunity to travel and to see where she's going to school. Even though she doesn't like me or see me as a parent figure, I still see her as a daughter, and I'm interested in her life. I'm proud of her. And part of me is so over doing so much to tiptoe around her feelings. Like, in the past, DH has arranged entirely separate vacations just so he could go on them with both his daughters and our family without SD's moods ruining it for him. I thought we had moved past that, but maybe not.

I feel both selfish and indignant.

Thoughts? AIBU?

I think YABVU to force yourself on her when she made it clear she doesn’t want to have any relationship with you.

In ideal world you would all get along, but she is an adult and she doesn’t live at home. You should not stop your DH seeing his daughter without you. It’s not fair.

It’s all we we we , allow her some time with her father. It sounds as if you don’t really like them spending 1:1 together. I don’t understand why you need to see the uni apart from the fact you’d just like to, and that comes across as just wanting to sabotaging her time with her father. It’s quite healthy to do things separately sometimes.

Your husband’s stance is odd to me and perhaps the route of the problem. My children’s father would jump at the chance - walk over glass - to see any of his kids at uni. Nothing would stop him especially if they were far away and he hadn’t seen them for a while. Sounds to me like he’s very detached. Not sure you’re the issue. Poor girl.

If I were you I’d encourage him to go and do all you can to smooth his path. I’d make him take a lovely or useful gift from you with a note to say you didn’t come because you didn’t want to intrude on father daughter time but hope she’s having a good time and here’s a wee gift. PS I miss having you around.

When someone doesn’t want you in their life and you insist on being in anyway - it’s not a good foundation for any relationship.

sometimes if you hold someone tonight they feel suffocated and want to pull away.

whatever age your youngest daughter - she has two parents and your husband saying there is not childcare for her is clearly just a manipulative way to get his daughter to accept you coming on the trip. No wonder she is upset.

Don’t be ridiculous. Her DF prioritised you over his DC and she should just get over it because she is 18 now? Please don’t visit her, she doesn’t want you in her life, she wants her DF. Maybe he could make an effort for a change? I am sure you can manage your child alone for a few days or do something else on the holiday.

Op. YABU and so us your DH.

Can't you see that, especially having a younger half sibling present will totally change the dynamic. I suspect having you there will do the same.

Let your step daughter share her new life with her Dad. In a way that is totally focused on her. That is the best gift you can give her.

All of this.

Come on OP. You and your daughter have him 24/7.

How can you have so little insight?

This. You're entitled to nothing from her. She doesn't HAVE to "grow up and get over it".

She doesn’t like you, she’s 18, I’m sure you can take care of a baby for one weekend on your own, maybe just let him go and have a relationship with his daughter, there is no need for you to be part of it.

I suppose in my fantasy, we'd all go round the school together, with SD telling us all about it, and then DH and I would explore while she's in class, and afterwards we'd all go out to dinner together

That's your fantasy not hers. In your fantasy, when does she get to spend time with her Dad on her own? When does she get to talk to him without you being there? Have a meal with him on her own and have a heart to heart about things or just have a laugh with him or whatever? When does she get to have that special relationship with her Dad without you being there?

She asked him to visit her and then he used childcare as an excuse and then he said he'd bring you and her half sibling along. None of you seem to have noticed that she wants to see her Dad on her own, not with everyone else in tow.

He should go on his own and visit her.

When I was 31 single and in another country I was very very ill in hospital and asked my wealthy and retired and apparently oh so worried about me mother if she could come over and help me when I had to go home etc just for a couple of weeks. She wouldn’t come without her husband, they expected me to host them and then they went away for four days because he was bored. It was a (very long time coming) lightbulb for me that maybe my mother wasn’t the amazing and devoted mother she told me she was. He also called me his daughter to other people (I was 19 when they got together). I doubt your husbands daughter will ever want a meaningful relationship and sounds like she’s got years of further heart break from both her parents coming.

She just doesn't like you. So her dad goes to visit. You steer clear & keep out of the way.

Maybe you'll be on civil terms later on, which would be ideal for your dd to have a relationship with her half sister, but she could not possibly be making it clearer that she doesn't want a relationship with you right now.

You need to respect that & back the hell off.

From my experience from being the step daughter in this situation her dad is the problem.

It's not about liking or disliking you. It's seems to her everyone upped and moved on quickly without taking her feelings into account and any time with dad is now shared time.

He needs to majorly step up his game and spend time with her alone. Apologies mean nothing without major action .

I know your trying but this is for him to fix. Then you can more easily slot into the mix.

Yes it sucks. But your fantasy is clearly not the same as hers. She is asking her dad to come and visit her at Uni, to see her life there. If he rejects this because you are not as welcome, it is clearly sending her a message that she is not enough. That he is unwilling to sort the logistical child care arrangements. That he is unwilling to amuse himself for a few hours while she's in class in order to spend time with her and be part of her new adult life. That he needs you there as - a buffer, entertainment, to turn it into a mini break for the two of you - in order to be "worth" the trip.

You (the pair of you) already made a mistake with moving in prematurely. Don't make another. She might not keep giving him chances to mend relationships and maintain or strengthen their bonds.

He visits. You and your DD do something else.

I'm sure she just wants to show her dad round on her own. Also, she might want to show him around the area too, when she's able to, rather than you both explore on your own. It's a big thing. I doubt her classes are going to take up the whole day. If I were you I would stay away for now.

Yes, he's supporting her financially. Both parents have contributed to her savings account for higher education, and there's enough in there to pay her way through school.

If our marriage had been okay and we had divorced suddenly (God forbid), I would be shocked and hurt if he moved on quickly. If it was bad for a long time before the split, I wouldn't be surprised...I trust that he would vet someone thoroughly before introducing them to our daughter, as he did me (we had been dating for about two years before the horribly botched introduction), but I would expect him to have learned from that mistake and not have the intro to his third daughter be on moving day again.

I think the flight is 6 hours

No, I am. But we decided if we're going to do an expensive international trip (esp to see SD) it'd be an adults-only trip, so we can do more things. We'll take her traveling when she'll be better able to enjoy and remember it... But his mother is elderly and in fragile physical health, my parents and grandparents live a 6 hours' drive away, where both parents work and my grandparents get tired quickly.

DH was just trying to convey that it's hard for us to drop everything and travel, and that it would take some planning if we were going to come. That's all.

Haven’t read the full thread. I’m guessing that your SD is 20/21?

Your relationship got off to a rocky start and she’s still a very young adult. She may feel differently about you in another 10 years.

I’d give her space and let her have time alone with her Dad. DH is my children’s father and we still do a fair number of things one to one with them. DH visited DD (19) at uni without me last autumn, for example. We’ve both also taken our kids away individually as well, because like you, we didn’t have any (free) childcare locally.

As a stepmum I think that whilst you have owned the fact you and her dad did things wrong, that isn't going to change her feelings abiut things. Unfortunately the damage has been done.

I think you need to step off, let her dad visit alone.

You have been forced on her, your new child has been forced on her, the whole situation is not of her choosing and she has been given no time to adjust or prepare.

Your dh needs to stop forcing his poor choices on his dd.

So your DH wants you to come but is DD doesn’t. It takes no planning from her point of view.
He comes on his own to see his DD. You stay home to look after your DD.
She really is second class isn’t she, money is important, but I think she wants her DF attention. Which if you came she wouldn’t have.
He is a very selfish man.

@MossLover I think you will just have to accept that she doesn't like you which has nothing to do with you personally but for what you represented in her life. If you stay clear from her she might mature and realise you're not the "bad guy " here, there was just some bad planning with you moving in too quickly. So let her be, let her dad see her on his own and hopefully one day you can have a better relationship. But if you force yourself upon her this will never happen.

@arcticpandas That’s a good way of putting it.

SD's mum met her partner around 3 years ago, and SD never liked him either (I don't suspect she would have liked any of her parents partners, no matter what they're like.) I don't remember exactly when he and his kids were introduced to the girls, but I remember them being unhappy about being made to do activities and go on trips with them. They moved in together last year. So while at least they did things in the "right" order and in a better timeframe, it still wasn't wanted by SD