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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit my SD at her university?

158 replies

MossLover · 09/04/2025 14:22

This might be controversial...

So, a little background. I've had sort of a rocky relationship with my eldest step daughter. She had a hard time getting over her parents divorce, and because my husband had a bad marriage for a very long time, he moved onto me quite quickly afterwards... I had gone away to military training for a year, during which my lease had expired, and having no where to go, I moved into my husband's (then boyfriend's) house. This, I admit, was a mistake, because it was like "Hi, I'm MossLover. I'm with your dad and I live here now." Total shock, big adjustment, wrong order of things-- you probably get it.

It's been about 7 years, two other houses, many apologies and much (ongoing) therapy, and a new little sister since then, and while we've made a lot of progress, she's still not over it entirely (Or, I guess I should say, she's still "processing her emotions" from it.) Every once in a while, we'll hang out as a family, and she'll be fine during. But afterwards she becomes cold and angry towards her father. Until recently, she would even go as far as to hit him. The most recent time this happened, she didn't answer any of his calls or texts for over a week, which was really hard for him, especially since she's been away at university in a different country and she's only back for a short while.

What had upset her was that she asked DH when he was coming to visit her at university, since he hasn't been to visit since move in day. He told her he would love to come visit sometime, but it's complex with having to find childcare for our youngest DD, which of course led to him telling SD that he would bring me along for the trip. (He said to me, "Why wouldn't you come? What am I going to do, sit around alone in {foreign country} while she's in class all day?") So she got angry and started ignoring him.

Obviously they've made up since, and had a heart to heart about it, but I think the feelings will arise once more when the topic of visiting comes up in the future. And on one hand, I kinda get it: going away to university has given her space from her step parents, step siblings, and half-sister, and all the negative feelings that come along with being around them. I want her to be able to have that, with the hope it will allow her to process, heal, find herself... maybe mature a little.

On the other, I would love the opportunity to travel and to see where she's going to school. Even though she doesn't like me or see me as a parent figure, I still see her as a daughter, and I'm interested in her life. I'm proud of her. And part of me is so over doing so much to tiptoe around her feelings. Like, in the past, DH has arranged entirely separate vacations just so he could go on them with both his daughters and our family without SD's moods ruining it for him. I thought we had moved past that, but maybe not.

I feel both selfish and indignant.

Thoughts? AIBU?

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 09/04/2025 21:24

i not even about giving her space. I just don’t get why he needs to bring his wife to visit his daughter?

i genuinely dont get why you wouldn’t stay home with the kids. It’s not like he’s going for a week. It will be what a weekend ?

I can imagine that most women who had a separate first child from another marriage at uni wouldn’t bring their 2nd husband to visit their child. Especially if the relationship is fractious.

its not a separate family holiday, he is going to see her only. He can go alone

BruFord · 09/04/2025 21:24

@MossLover

It sounds as if both her parents made a bit of a hash of moving on-as far as SD was concerned.

But you can give your SD some alone time with her Dad now, just do it.

Diarygirlqueen · 09/04/2025 21:27

If you were dating for 2 years before you met his girls, but you said he got a divorce then moved you in, so that makes you the ow?

Morningsleepin · 09/04/2025 21:32

Muffinmam · 09/04/2025 15:46

She’s an adult now. The time for her to have just her father and your daughter together is over.

I say travel with your husband and daughter and you stay in the hotel while he does activities with her.

She needs to get over herself. Both of her parents have moved on. Her hitting her father is absolutely disgusting and must never happen again.

Who is paying for her University in a foreign country??

Show quote history

Gosh that's harsh. My adult dd likes to have her father to herself at times and she doesn't have the history of the sd

beAsensible1 · 09/04/2025 21:35

jeaux90 · 09/04/2025 17:59

I’m baffled by this too. I wouldn’t go with my partner to visit his son at university as those are 1-1 moments. It sounds like your DH really needs that 1-1 time where she feels prioritised and Lord knows she wasn’t when her father decided it was a good idea to move you in.

This. Why is he unable to have 1-1 time with his child?

even parents of adult DC do this.

caringcarer · 09/04/2025 21:36

She won't want you there. Give her space.

GreenCandleWax · 09/04/2025 21:46

I feel very sorry for your stepdaughter. It does sioound as though she had a very difficult time with insensitive adults all round after her parents broke up. Your DH should make her a priority - not you or other DD - on this trip to visit her.

Original poster
MossLover · 09/04/2025 21:47

Diarygirlqueen · 09/04/2025 21:27

If you were dating for 2 years before you met his girls, but you said he got a divorce then moved you in, so that makes you the ow?

No, they were separated (romantically and living situation-wise) by the time he met and started dating me (divorce on paper took a bit longer, as division of the assets was complicated.)

DH and I were together for a year, living separately, when I enlisted in the military. Prior to enlisting, DH put off introducing me to his DDs because of the situation with SD taking the split hard. I was away for training for another year, and when I got back I had nowhere to live... hence the botched intro when I moved in with DH.

OP posts:
Whyohwhyisitlikethis · 09/04/2025 21:52

To be honest, I think it’s for the best leaving her to it. I have no interest in my SS (he’s an adult) and only ask DH about him out of politeness. I don’t see him anymore and I like that. Maybe you need to back off a little and feel good that she’s not your problem. It’s quite liberating.

MrsEverest · 09/04/2025 21:58

The way you write doesn't sound great. Putting "processing her emotions" as if that's stupid. Thinking that she should 'grow up'. I'd probably think that someone who moved straight in with a partner who had a child just because they hadn't sorted out a new lease needed to 'grow up', as would their partner who wasn't mature enough to think about the consequences for his relationship with his child, and now you're all living with the fallout from that immature decision.

He should go on his own and spend some time with his daughter.

littlepopp · 09/04/2025 22:02

I think your post comes across well, you don’t hate her and you’re actually looking at the bigger picture. But you need to realise her feelings are valid, it doesn’t matter if she should or shouldn’t feel that way, she does. She’s still a child (18 is still a kid in my opinion, up to probably 24/25 is very doing these days), so don’t go, let him go alone and try and imagine how you’d feel in her shoes!

Mumteedum · 09/04/2025 22:08

Pandemic to me seems not long ago and you describe that as being the time you moved in properly. If she's around 18 now, then this was a girl hitting puberty then. Going through the pandemic and puberty while your Dad moves a new partner in is not at all easy.

Speaks volumes she's gone to another country.

I don't even know what makes someone a step parent. If she was a teen when she met you, I doubt she'll see you as her step mother rather than Dad's wife.

I think you're coming across insensitive at best and self centered at worst. Sorry

But as someone who lost her Dad fairly recently, one of the nicest memories I have is quality time when Dad used to pick me up from uni. Let her have some memories and one to one time.

You've got time to build a relationship with her as an adult. But start by backing off and taking her lead.

TaraRhu · 09/04/2025 22:11

No advice, other than to say that she isn't really grown up yet. Shes only 18 and I hope given the chance one day she will get over it. You should like a good step mum. One day she should realise that. Might it also help to message her and tell her that you are proud of her and Albright you'd love to see her uni yoh understand that she would like some time alone with her dad.

Nonsense10 · 09/04/2025 22:15

This isn't about you or what you want. Let a girl have some time with her dad.

JorgyPorgy · 09/04/2025 22:18

Perhaps you could forge a relationship from a distance, send her a little care package now and then and a little note, give her space , let her see her dad without you. Maybe the occasional WhatsApp . She might come around in time as she grows up a bit in a few years . Try to build trust & be her friend. You never know, you two could be great friends in years to come x

JorgyPorgy · 09/04/2025 22:20

TaraRhu · 09/04/2025 22:11

No advice, other than to say that she isn't really grown up yet. Shes only 18 and I hope given the chance one day she will get over it. You should like a good step mum. One day she should realise that. Might it also help to message her and tell her that you are proud of her and Albright you'd love to see her uni yoh understand that she would like some time alone with her dad.

Yes but be careful not to guilt her into saying you can go along , let her know you’re there for her if she needs you

Springbirds · 09/04/2025 22:21

MossLover · 09/04/2025 21:03

No, I am. But we decided if we're going to do an expensive international trip (esp to see SD) it'd be an adults-only trip, so we can do more things. We'll take her traveling when she'll be better able to enjoy and remember it... But his mother is elderly and in fragile physical health, my parents and grandparents live a 6 hours' drive away, where both parents work and my grandparents get tired quickly.

DH was just trying to convey that it's hard for us to drop everything and travel, and that it would take some planning if we were going to come. That's all.

Show quote history

It doesn’t need to be an expensive trip if it’s just her father going. Sounds like the pair of you want to visit the location she’s studying in for a holiday and she’s incidental to the trip rather than the reason for it.
Why can’t your husband go to visit his daughter and spend time with her by himself? That’s obviously what she wants and might do more to salvage your own relationship with her in the long run. If she can’t see her father without her stepmother always being there she might decide it’s not worth seeing him at all. It would also be nice, as your own daughter gets older, if she had an individual relationship with her sister. Let their father have the same

Original poster
MossLover · 10/04/2025 01:44

MrsEverest · 09/04/2025 21:58

The way you write doesn't sound great. Putting "processing her emotions" as if that's stupid. Thinking that she should 'grow up'. I'd probably think that someone who moved straight in with a partner who had a child just because they hadn't sorted out a new lease needed to 'grow up', as would their partner who wasn't mature enough to think about the consequences for his relationship with his child, and now you're all living with the fallout from that immature decision.

He should go on his own and spend some time with his daughter.

I put it in quotes to separate it from the rest of the sentence. As in “everything between the quotes” is what I should say.

And yeah, I definitely should have sorted out my living situation for when I finished training. I won’t use the excuse that I was young, because I was definitely old enough to be expected to do that, but I did have a lot going on at the time. I was trying to get to the next day and wasn’t thinking ahead at all…But you know what they say about hindsight.

OP posts:
Original poster
MossLover · 10/04/2025 02:03

JorgyPorgy · 09/04/2025 22:18

Perhaps you could forge a relationship from a distance, send her a little care package now and then and a little note, give her space , let her see her dad without you. Maybe the occasional WhatsApp . She might come around in time as she grows up a bit in a few years . Try to build trust & be her friend. You never know, you two could be great friends in years to come x

I really hope so! She’s such a smart, funny, talented young woman, and we actually have so many interests in common… She’s studying archeology and I tried to send her some relevant YouTube content I found super cool via WhatsApp, with the accompanying note along the lines of “Hope your university experience abroad is going well! You’re so brave for doing that. Just thought I’d share this creator with you…”

She told DH she was afraid to open it because she thought I hated her. That was incredibly disheartening to hear. I know there’s some kind of… I don’t know, anxiety? Self esteem issue, maybe? Twisting everything around in her head, and I don’t feel like I have any way to make it better, other than to wait it out :(

There’s a lot of instances where I’m trying to figure out if I should leave her alone in case my presence is annoying to her, or try to engage with her so she doesn’t think I’m being standoffish, and many times it just ends up in some awkward in-between interaction that I lie awake hyper-analyzing at night.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 10/04/2025 02:46

Sounds like she just wants to see her Dad, which is entirely reasonable. The childcare "issue" is so easily solved by you staying home with your daughter. Even if you had a fantastic relationship with her, which you don't, that would be what many people would do anyway. Yeah, he can hang around doing his own thing during her classes on his own, he's an adult he doesn't need his wife to hold his hand. Sounds like he messed up a lot in her childhood, and if she still wants to have a relationship you should stand aside and let that happen, and let her decide when she's ready to build one with you.

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/04/2025 03:10

She has asked her dad to visit her. She doesn't seem to have asked you to go, nor your baby. Maybe he goes alone for the first visit, at least. Another time, ask her what she wants. Would she like to show you around her new home too? I'm sure you sometimes want your DH to yourself. You will expect your DC to be able to have 1 to 1 time with each parent. Why should your DSD never get this?

rookiemere · 10/04/2025 07:22

MossLover · 10/04/2025 02:03

I really hope so! She’s such a smart, funny, talented young woman, and we actually have so many interests in common… She’s studying archeology and I tried to send her some relevant YouTube content I found super cool via WhatsApp, with the accompanying note along the lines of “Hope your university experience abroad is going well! You’re so brave for doing that. Just thought I’d share this creator with you…”

She told DH she was afraid to open it because she thought I hated her. That was incredibly disheartening to hear. I know there’s some kind of… I don’t know, anxiety? Self esteem issue, maybe? Twisting everything around in her head, and I don’t feel like I have any way to make it better, other than to wait it out :(

There’s a lot of instances where I’m trying to figure out if I should leave her alone in case my presence is annoying to her, or try to engage with her so she doesn’t think I’m being standoffish, and many times it just ends up in some awkward in-between interaction that I lie awake hyper-analyzing at night.

Show quote history

I would leave her alone and be blandly nice when you see her in person - but do not go for the uni visit. She doesn’t want to be your friend, whether that is simply because you are her DFs DW or she actually doesn’t like you, who knows. But trying to get down with the kids and sending inspirational words and videos is really not going to help

Encourage your DH to have a relationship with her independently and just take a massive step back. Let her do her growing up until it’s possible for you both to have and adult to adult relationship.

Original poster
MossLover · 10/04/2025 16:44

Update: talked with DH this morning about him going alone. Mentioned all the reasons you guys have put forth here: that she just wants to spend time with her dad without all of her step/half family, that his insistence on bringing me probably came off that he’s putting me first over her, that he can find stuff to do while she’s in her lectures if he goes on a weekday, that if anybody’s traveling it should primarily to visit her, not a vacation with seeing her being incidental, etc.

He was reluctant at first, but eventually agreed to either going alone or to me going up separately and planning to spend time together there only when SD is not available for one-on-one time/after SD has had plenty of one-on-one time.

Again, I appreciate everyone’s remarkably insightful perspectives and advice. Thanks for helping us figure this out.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 10/04/2025 16:59

"Reluctant at first" "eventually agreed", what a great father he is!

My God...

Original poster
MossLover · 10/04/2025 17:57

Diarygirlqueen · 10/04/2025 16:59

"Reluctant at first" "eventually agreed", what a great father he is!

My God...

Well, he’s spent a lot of time having to choose between spending time with me and DD vs SD in the past, and he wasn’t happy about having to choose again. Like I said, it took a bit of explaining how things probably seem to SD, and why it’s important that they have one-on-one time. We hadn’t realized that before this discussion on here.

OP posts:
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