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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS(8) not invited to party

562 replies

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:01

Dh used to compete and be a sports coach so we have a section of our garden built up and dedicated to that sport. He just teaches our dc and they play there now.

Ds has mostly had garden parties and then and on play dates his friends play there also.

Mum of one of his friends at a past play date mentioned her ds would love to learn do the sport and do something like this for his birthday but couldn’t find anywhere near.
Dh said that he’s welcome to come and practice whenever and actually could have party here if she couldn’t find anywhere else.

It was then agreed her ds could have his party in our garden and borrow equipment we had but that obviously over wise party organising is her responsibility. She has other entertainment, food arranged ect, party is quite soon.

She’s now said that she doesn’t think my DS should come as she’s worried the fact it’s his house/garden and he is good at the sport will take the shine of her DS and people will think it’s my DS’s day instead. And as it’s an out of school friend he would only know a few of kids anyway.

She never specifically said ds was invited we just assumed and we probably agreed based on that assumption.

I don’t think its fair to have ds locked in the house or taken out when his friends and boys his age playing in our garden and am shocked she thinks this is an okay suggestion.

AIBU it’s only fair ds goes?

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 09/04/2025 15:43

SlightlyJaded · 09/04/2025 14:57

This is one of those occasions where honesty is best

Hi CF

I am gong to cut to the chase and tell you that I honestly had to read your message twice to be sure I hadn't misunderstood. Now that I am clear on your suggestion, I am having to think about where to go from here. I realise it will be very difficult for you to arrange a new venue at this short notice and that it would be a shame for your DS to have his party upended, but did you really think that it was okay to exclude XXX whose home it is? Whose equipment you are borrowing? Who is friends with your DS? Who is looking forward to the party? Just because he might take the 'shine' off your DS? Seriously?

What did you think would happen? That he would sit in his room watching one of his friends and other boys jumping around in his garden knowing he wasn't allowed to join in?

I am going to do the fairest thing I think I can do, and put the ball back in your court. Leaving DS out becuase he is 'too good' at the activity is not an option for us, so please let me know how you'd like to move forward.

Thanks
OP

This is far too many words to say “That doesn’t work for us, my son can go into his garden if he pleases”

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 15:43

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:31

Just to be clear ds know when party is and thinks he’s invited (as we assumed he was), he’s excited.
I wasn’t planning on telling him he wasn’t invited and if we cancelled he would be upset and we would have to give him a reason or he’d hear it from friend at club.
ds is obviously my priority, I just think it might be easier for him if he was reluctantly invited but didn’t know that than if we cancelled the whole thing last minute because he wasn’t wanted there.

The only way you will get a reluctant invitation is if you cancel and then she changes her mind. I’m more bloody minded than you though. I’d cancel outright. I wouldn’t want the risk of hurting her and her son’s party.

Lookuptotheskies · 09/04/2025 15:43

Wow. That is off the scale.cheeky fuckery and just plain cruel!!

I'd be cancelling the party. I'd be going full scorched earth personally. Your child will hear some version anyway so I'd be telling them the truth. I'd also be telling other people too.

Yes it's a shame we had to cancel but obviously we didn't agree to our own child not being invited to a party we had offered to host in our own back garden. 😡 Anyone who thought you were in the wrong I'd be happy to write off personally anyway along with the CF parent.

Tessasanderson · 09/04/2025 15:44

Easy way out of this for you.

"Sorry, we have checked with our household insurance and they have said if it was just a case of friends and family then the household insurance is covered. As it will not involve anyone from the household it is in fact a business activity (regardless of payment) and we will not have liability cover". We would hate for someone to hurt themselves and to feel they would have to sue us personally.....

You understand dont you.......you CF

Genevieva · 09/04/2025 15:45

Tessasanderson · 09/04/2025 15:44

Easy way out of this for you.

"Sorry, we have checked with our household insurance and they have said if it was just a case of friends and family then the household insurance is covered. As it will not involve anyone from the household it is in fact a business activity (regardless of payment) and we will not have liability cover". We would hate for someone to hurt themselves and to feel they would have to sue us personally.....

You understand dont you.......you CF

Good one!

Mumofoneandone · 09/04/2025 15:45

I think her ask is awful and plan weird in fact.....how did she think is was acceptable to kick a child out of his own house/garden?
In some ways I'd want to cancel if it was my child but wouldn't want to cause issues for him in the shared club. Cause you can bet your bottom dollar that this woman would seek revenge at your son's expense.
Personally I would take your son out for the day for a really special treat of his choice, so he is out of the way.
If there is any way of only enabling this mother to have access to the back garden only, do that. This means she can use the activity set up but not your house. It might inconvenience her a bit without totally cancelling but illustrates that she's being totally unreasonable.
Your son could have been such an asset to the day to help host/support others but to just be excluded.......a forced invitation seems so wrong.

Wtafdidido · 09/04/2025 15:46

Be straight with her and remind her this is your son’s home, garden and equipment and he will be attending the party as he will be at home as that is the basis upon which you agreed to lend her your garden. Tell her that you understand her concerns but do not agree with them but that you understand if she feels she needs to either cancel or relocate the party. She’s a cf of the highest order so needs to be dealt with in a similar vein.

JojoM1981 · 09/04/2025 15:46

idontunderstandwhy · 09/04/2025 14:08

Thankyou for the replies, I hadn’t yet replied but needed to check I wasn’t being unreasonable and missing something.

Party is very soon and would be putting her out a lot to cancel. I think the most reasonable option would be to just insist it’s only fair that ds gets to go and I think she would agree to that above cancelling the whole party.

Then you'd better get a wriggle on and tell her today that unfortunately the party isn't happening. Don't be a push over. Your poor son.

Wtafdidido · 09/04/2025 15:47

Also as others have said you are on dodgy grounds insurance wise if some child is injured so tell her you will also need to see that she has taken out insurance other own. It’s easily done and not expensive just a hastle.

PurpleThistle7 · 09/04/2025 15:47

Tessasanderson · 09/04/2025 15:44

Easy way out of this for you.

"Sorry, we have checked with our household insurance and they have said if it was just a case of friends and family then the household insurance is covered. As it will not involve anyone from the household it is in fact a business activity (regardless of payment) and we will not have liability cover". We would hate for someone to hurt themselves and to feel they would have to sue us personally.....

You understand dont you.......you CF

This. And it's not a lie at all. If you are some sort of free party venue that's totally different to just having a few friends in the garden with you and your son being present.

Bumcake · 09/04/2025 15:48

You have been so generous, it’s breathtaking that she would dare be so vile in return.

I would struggle to be civil in your position, but if I could manage to choke it out I think I’d say that you can’t expect an 8 year old to take that sort of thing on the chin so he either goes or it doesn’t happen.

IAmNeverThePerson · 09/04/2025 15:48

I wouldn’t cancel. I’d take DS out for the day todo something infinitely better and then never speak to the stupid cow ever again. It would be the last time either her or her child set foot in my house/garden.

this way your son hasn’t fallen out with anyone his friendships are preserved, she hasn’t had a chance to be nasty to him and he hasn’t had to watch everyone do something he loves.

Moonnstars · 09/04/2025 15:49

GRex · 09/04/2025 15:39

It isn't awkward on the grounds you give, because no normal person would think they can hold a party in a their child's friend's home without inviting the resident child. That has never ever ever ever ever been a "thing" that anybody would do.

Show quote history

Well no, it is quite an odd thing to offer though, unless you are really close friends and often do things together. I wonder if DH mouth ran away with him and he spoke without really thinking.

Also as other posters have said, surely they would be having to use your house for the toilet plus there is also the issue of anyone getting hurt, damage to your equipment, general safety, parking/upsetting other residents if loads of kids turn up and nosy neighbours questioning if you are running a business.

Hosting your own child's party at home is one thing but I think it is actually quite risky when it's not your own home and having lots of random families turn up.

IAmNeverThePerson · 09/04/2025 15:49

And tell her she’ll need to get insurance because yours doesn’t cover it if you are not there.

RockyRogue1001 · 09/04/2025 15:49

Tooshytoshine · 09/04/2025 14:18

I think I would be disingenuous if I wanted to maintain the friendship...

"I have read this a couple of times and am wondering if you have mistyped or I have misunderstood your message?"

Make her explain and hopefully she will check herself before she wrecks herself...

I loved this response.

And although my knee-jerk reaction would be - as so many on here have said - to cancel, I understand your worry about it impacting on your son. One poster (sorry, can't find it now) suggested a response which implied you'd spoken to other parents. That's clever, I think, as it means CF mum can't then spread lies about your family.

But I note a few posters suggesting that if your son is there she might be unkind to him, and that would be awful too.

So as well as using @Tooshytoshine's brilliant suggestion I'd also say that you'll have a word with your child and ask him not to go all out to shine on the day.

I also agree with the poster putting clear start and end times on the event.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/04/2025 15:50

I would say…

Hi Sarah, please rest assured no one will assume it’s Jack’s birthday, all the attention will be on your Oliver. Maybe bring a big banner with Oliver’s name on in case there is any doubt. Forecast is glorious for Saturday so I can’t keep Jack locked up in the house while a party is happening in his own garden. I’ve told him it’s Oliver’s day, so he knows that Oliver is star of the show.

Looking forward to it. Xx

murasaki · 09/04/2025 15:51

Oh if she grudgingly allows the son to attend, I'd be telling him to bring his A game. But really you need to back him and cancel.

Thegreyestate · 09/04/2025 15:54

This is absolutely fucking unbelievable!!!

Cancel, cancel, cancel

Pigsears · 09/04/2025 15:55

I have assumed DS and birthday boy were friends (shared club, play date etc) but, there is also the possibility that they aren't friends- or that the friendship is one way.... And the CF party parent was making an excuse as to why DS wasn't invited (rather than birthday boy finds him annoying etc).

I mean it's possible. But if this was the case then CF party parent is definitely using you- at the expense of your son (and her own....).

Tessasanderson · 09/04/2025 15:58

I am wondering if friends son has possibly highlighted that he is friends with OP's son at the activity but not really friends away from it. Thats not unheard of and understandable.

Maybe he has told his mum he doesnt want OP's DS at the party.

PrincessScarlett · 09/04/2025 15:59

Please check your insurance OP as you could be liable if a child hurts themselves.

luckylavender · 09/04/2025 16:00

What about the repercussions for your son that his mother didn't advocate for him?

VaddaABeetch · 09/04/2025 16:03

How many kids & how many adults. If you have an annexe there’s probably only one loo? Can it cope?

Never ever say to anybody that they can use your facilities anytime. They’ll take you at your word & arrive in hordes. You could have your garden over run for the summer.

id also be worried about public liability

Hi CF in light of your email our facilities are no longer available. Best regards

nomas · 09/04/2025 16:05

luckylavender · 09/04/2025 16:00

What about the repercussions for your son that his mother didn't advocate for him?

Yes, thinking back to my 8 year old self who wanted to be included, I would have found this so Upsetting!

ItsUpToYou · 09/04/2025 16:06

Wtf how can anyone think this is normal or acceptable? I usually try to see the other perspective, no matter how irrational it may seem to me, but I’m really struggling with this one!