DS(8) not invited to party

[idontunderstandwhy]

Dh used to compete and be a sports coach so we have a section of our garden built up and dedicated to that sport. He just teaches our dc and they play there now.

Ds has mostly had garden parties and then and on play dates his friends play there also.

Mum of one of his friends at a past play date mentioned her ds would love to learn do the sport and do something like this for his birthday but couldn’t find anywhere near.
Dh said that he’s welcome to come and practice whenever and actually could have party here if she couldn’t find anywhere else.

It was then agreed her ds could have his party in our garden and borrow equipment we had but that obviously over wise party organising is her responsibility. She has other entertainment, food arranged ect, party is quite soon.

She’s now said that she doesn’t think my DS should come as she’s worried the fact it’s his house/garden and he is good at the sport will take the shine of her DS and people will think it’s my DS’s day instead. And as it’s an out of school friend he would only know a few of kids anyway.

She never specifically said ds was invited we just assumed and we probably agreed based on that assumption.

I don’t think its fair to have ds locked in the house or taken out when his friends and boys his age playing in our garden and am shocked she thinks this is an okay suggestion.

AIBU it’s only fair ds goes?

I wouldn’t cancel on her, though.

Why not? Genuinely don’t understand why you’d let someone behave in such an egregious manner and still benefit from your generosity. She’s cancelled on the OP’s son, who was fully expecting to go to the party…..

Now this is another good response!

Dear CF, sorry for the radio silence as I was honestly very taken aback by your message and needed to think how to reply. You cannot honestly think that we could expect son to be locked in the house whilst his friends had a party in his own garden with his own equipment? This will not be possible. Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

This wording is good although
I might change it to you are hurt and upset.

Is it CF only or her son as well who don’t want your son at a party hosted in his own home? You say you want to preserve the boys’ friendship and not make things difficult for your son in the future, but surely this relationship is now dead in the water? Either way, a forced invite or cancelling the party and coming up with an excuse to your son is going to lead to awkwardness and bad feeling whichever way it goes.

I imagine it’s just the Mum thinking this. Kids are kids and wouldn’t give a second thought about whether their mate is better than them. They just want to run around and have fun with their friends. Even better if you’re having your party in your mate’s super cool garden!
OP this is so shitty. I would let the party go ahead, but tell her that you can’t accept your son not being there. This was a goodwill gesture and your son is friends with the birthday boy - he would feel incredibly hurt if he knew he wasn’t invited and it would be unfair to have to take him out or keep him inside whilst his friends are having a whale of a time in his back garden.
after this, I see three options:
If she tries to argue, she’s burned all bridges and you must cancel the party.
If she realises she’s been a dick you may be able to move past and carry on as before.
If the reaction is anything other than a grovelling apology, you let the party go ahead but maintain a nothing but civil relationship from now on.
You can rest assured that you have the moral high ground here. Enjoy the view!
Edited to add: had a situation recently where we had a falling out with a family that we usually share birthday parties with. There are a few families, and to try to avoid drama, we just said that we were not having a big party this year so we wouldn’t be participating in the usual joint party. The other kids had a party but for some reason didn’t invite invite our DC, even though they are besties. DC only realised they hadn’t been invited when half the class were talking about the party the following week at school and was absolutely distraught. Don’t put your son through that!

I bet she expects the OP's husband to supervise the sport.

Bloody cheek! You can tell her that the offer is off if it means excluding your son from his own HOME.

My guess is 🎾

Agree that you need to rescind.

I'd give a breezy 'It sounds like this isn't going to work out for everyone, is it? It's obviously unfair for us to have to send DC away from/keep him inside his own home while there is a party going on outside. Best if you find a different venue, I think. I'll ask DH to forward you alternatives, if he can think of any local. Thanks'.

And block the blatantly cheeky bitch.

I'd make it clear that your son remains included in the party, as you naturally expected that was never even an issue under the circumstances, or she finds someone else to have it.

No middle ground here.

"But DS is friends with this boy and they do a club together"

Please please cancel the party. They do not see your DS as a friend. I hope they are ashamed.

I thought about that, but in that case if I were the mum I'd just buy some kids' tennis sets and do it in my own garden... I was thinking 🏹!

That would need a serious insurance policy!

What?!!! Just when you think you’ve heard it all… I’m not sure what words I’d use in the reply, but something to say I don’t understand how she could possibly think that was acceptable. What is wrong with people?!

Not if it's like... the weighted rubber arrows or the ones with suckers on? 🤣

WTAF.

Tell her, "I can't quite believe what I've just read. You want to host your son's party in my garden but exclude my son from the guest list? No, that doesn't work for us. I'm afraid you'll have to find another venue."

My guess was football and they have a 3g/4g pitch.

That would be quite some garden! I was thinking archery.

Kindly OP, tell her to jog on. And stick the pineapple cubes up her arse

"CF, you are using my garden and my facilities to have a party for your child. You have decided not to invite my child who is aware that the party is in our garden. How do you think this will make him feel? How would you like it if we had a party for my child in your garden and didn't invite your child?"

Make her feel that she is being unreasonable.

Normally I hate people who guilt trip others, but I feel that this is completely justified.

Or, you can lock the annex, go out for the day and hope it rains.

@idontunderstandwhy just let her know DS thinks he’s invited and you’re not going to tell him he can’t attend. Maybe you can ask DS to try not to come over as a show-off but to help teach the other kids. And as you said, avoid being involved in this other woman’s cheeky plans!

Wow that is super cheeky.

Oh come on! Either your DS attends or the party doesn't happen.

Me, too!