DS(8) not invited to party

[idontunderstandwhy]

Dh used to compete and be a sports coach so we have a section of our garden built up and dedicated to that sport. He just teaches our dc and they play there now.

Ds has mostly had garden parties and then and on play dates his friends play there also.

Mum of one of his friends at a past play date mentioned her ds would love to learn do the sport and do something like this for his birthday but couldn’t find anywhere near.
Dh said that he’s welcome to come and practice whenever and actually could have party here if she couldn’t find anywhere else.

It was then agreed her ds could have his party in our garden and borrow equipment we had but that obviously over wise party organising is her responsibility. She has other entertainment, food arranged ect, party is quite soon.

She’s now said that she doesn’t think my DS should come as she’s worried the fact it’s his house/garden and he is good at the sport will take the shine of her DS and people will think it’s my DS’s day instead. And as it’s an out of school friend he would only know a few of kids anyway.

She never specifically said ds was invited we just assumed and we probably agreed based on that assumption.

I don’t think its fair to have ds locked in the house or taken out when his friends and boys his age playing in our garden and am shocked she thinks this is an okay suggestion.

AIBU it’s only fair ds goes?

Wow the absolute nerve of some people!
It was cheeky in the first place for her to hint about having the party at your place, but this takes the biscuit.

No way I'd allow this to happen. How very rude!

It probably let her hold the party, and then have DS look/hang out the window and wave to friends and loudly inform all the children and parents that ‘oh they uninvited DS because he’s too good at XYZ’ and make sure everyone and their uncle knows that DS was uninvited and you’ve not charged them anything. If it’s not a drop off party make sure you’re mingling with the parents you know and let them know, all while DS is looking on. But I can be super petty when I want to be.

on a more serious note I’d probably just let DS turn up, invited or not- it’s his bloody garden!

"If you'd said from the outset that you wanted to hire our garden & equipment as an exclusive venue, we would have declined then as that requires public liability insurance & obviously commercial hire rates, & that's never been an avenue we've wanted to pursue ...
So we're obviously at cross purposes here & can't go ahead. Hope you find a great venue & Oliver has a fabulous birthday!'

Perfect

I'm another who was going to say it's a bit late to start blaming insurance now, but actually it's relevant because she's completely changed the goalposts

I can’t believe she has said this - honestly think you would be better off cancelling. I certainly wouldn’t have my child watching them from the window! Also, If one of the children hurts themselves, it’s your insurance etc.

The more I think about this the more angry I get!

Who gives a shit if she tells everyone you cancelled the party at short notice? When they ask her why, she’ll either have to lie or tell them she wanted to use all of your things, have the party in your garden but not invite your son. She comes off badly in this, not you.

Just state as it’s at your home of course ds will be there. If this is suitable for you then you will need to find an alternative. I would be blunt!

100% agree with this

Christ, the audacity!!

Tbh I'd be tempted to tell her you're going to ignore her message and ds will be turning up with a gift. If she wants to kick him out of his own garden in front of everyone then she'll have to do that, but youre likely to have an unexpected power cut or water supply outage and have to end the party. Of course, were that to happen she'd be entitled to a full refund of what she's paid you.

This is the time for a favourite mumsnet expression - "sorry that doesnt work for us" followed by "good luck in finding another venue."

I think it’s fine to say “this isn’t going to work for us. Ds is aware of the party of his friend, it’s using his house and garden, and actually unkind. We were happy to do this favour for his friend, but we’re not a free meal ticket, at the cost of making him sad”
Done.

If you've not responded yet, I'd be tempted to pretend it's all a joke.

"HA, you almost had me there! Can you imagine, DS sitting inside, watching a party in his own garden through the window?! So funny. I bet X is so excited, we're all looking forward to it. See you on Saturday."

Agree to this as a start

Haha very funny xxx April Fools Day was 10 days ago haha

Then wait to see what she says and if she comes back and says more about DS not being invited use the mumsnet classic- that doesn’t work for me

Oh no, how horrid.

Who even thinks that would fly when your allowing her use if the garden.

I cannot believe the absolute cheek of some people. That's cruel.

How can they possibly think that it is OK to leave your DS out in his own house??? Wow.

I think I would just say "to be honest, I'm completely shocked you would want to leave my son out in his own home and common decency should dictate that that would be unacceptable to us. I think on that basis it's best you find another venue"

I would tell DS about the CF and simply say sometimes in life you need to stand up for yourself when people take advantage.

You can either sit in your house feeling like complete mug and watching your own son be ostracised from a social event or you can tell this absolute cow to fcuk off. I know which I’d be doing.

I see your reasoning OP and agree. Too many undesirable consequences from canceling the party and they’ll fall squarely on DS, who has had no say in it.

A message along the lines of “Look, X, that’s pretty horrible. You can’t have a party in our garden for little X without inviting DS.” Only cancel if she still insists DS can’t come.

And then keep your distance from X in the future.

Depending on what you think the other mothers you are friends with are like, I would consider mentioning the debacle to some of them so that if X blows things up in the future, you have people who already know what the deal is. You do have to weigh that against the possibility they then blow things up and cause a rift of some sort.

You can't host this party if your DS is not invited. If I was him and saw what was happening, I'd wonder why I was not good enough to attend.

Oh my goodness.
How could she do that? Surely you or DH will need to be on hand to supervise the use of the equipment so DS will have to come (depending on DS’s age).

I do understand you wanting to protect DS with his friends. Could the annexe have a burst pipe or the equipment be damaged?

You could always go the whole hog?
£400 for the venue and £150 for equipment, plus £100 deposit! Or other appropriate numbers depending on what parties cost in your area and the cost of what she’s going to be using. 🤪
“Dear Tracey,
Please see below invoice for the use of our back garden and facilities on such date.
Bank details are at the bottom, to be paid in full by this Friday to avoid cancellation.
Please also see our newly made up terms of use, this includes all of your responsibilities and the deposit amount for the equipment. This will be returned after everything has been checked after the party.
Photos/videos will be taken before and after.
Take your rubbish home with you in a black bin liner at the end. The times are from ? to ? only.
We recommend giving yourself enough time to set up/clean down.
My husband and I will be supervising as DS has plans that day now, because we aren’t spiteful to children, like some people…
Any unruly behaviour will cause the person/s responsible to be removed offsite immediately and they will have to be waited with by a responsible adult from the party until their parents can collect them.
This also goes for adults who behave in a way we deem unfit. There will be no money back for this.
Thanks for choosing to “rent” from us. You are the first person to choose to use us in a business-type manner by excluding our own DS.”
She’s a knobhead.

I just want to quote @anon4net’s earlier post:

Just read your update, please please do not make your son a doormat to keep in good favour. There are many instances as a parent that you need to stand firm with others. This is one.Themessage to your son if you don't, is terrible. He deserves friends, not to be used by people who take what they want from him and disregard him when they've got what they want

This is really important. In your shoes, I would say - “ah - crossed wires. On that basis, DS will need to be here in his own house and garden, so I’m afraid you’ll need to find somewhere else. Hope your son has a super day wherever it is!”.

Do not let these people treat you - and, more importantly, your son, like this.

"Naturally, as we had kindly offered to hold your child's party in our garden our son would of course be invited. It's shocking that you feel he should excluded.
Our garden is no longer available."
And when she changes her mind and says he can come, nope sorry. Definitely not.
It's her problem that it is very soon. She made this issue!

You forgot about parking charges!

Our neighbours Ken and Deidre have agreed to facilitate parking at a reasonable charge of £15.00 per vehicle for the afternoon. There is no on street parking available for non residents.

@TommyJoesMummy that’s perfect. I personally (‘cos I hate being shat on by CFs) would actually send something like this. I’d just add a liability clause (in that CF and not the OP will be liable for any and all damage and injuries sustained during the period of the booking).

The ball is then in her court re having to find an alternative venue.

Everytime I come on this site I read somethings that absolutely blows my mind. Is this really how some people are, I cannot imagine anyone I know behaving in such a awful way.