DH is best man - stag do & young children

[Foreverexhausted1]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some opinions on this situation as me & DH can't agree!

DH is the best man so is organising the stag do. We have 3 DC, 5, 3 and under 1. Originally it was going to be a day, possibly overnight but the groom wants to do a long weekend. DH thinks IABU to say a long weekend is too long with 3 young kids.

DH says if I wanted to go away I could and he would look after DC but I'm not sure he really means it. He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go.

AIBU?

You haven't understood my posts. That's ok.

I'm just pointing out individualism.

Also I don't mind being ridiculous if that means I get to hang out in mixed gender friendship groups and not equate all-male groups buying sex from women with men having fun.

There's a lot that's ridiculous in being with and among children 🥰

Honestly I think yabu here. He has said he’s happy for you to go away too and he’ll mind the kids . A long weekend isn’t unusual for a stag and bluntly I think a parent ( both men and women) should be able to mind their own kids on their own for a weekend without it being a big deal .

Tired: Mr Rochester
Wired: Captain von Trapp
Inspired: Ugolino

"He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go."

This ^ is what is unreasonable here.

I think YABU to try to stop him going for a weekend, when he is best man.

But you saying I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go. suggests that there are bigger issues.

I had 3 dc, so am aware it can be hard work, but I made sure from Day1 that dh and I both got time off - be that a weekly thing we each ringfenced, or the opportunity to go away for a weekend with friends.

Change that assumption of you being the childcare.

“DH tomorrow night I will be going out at 6pm so bath and bed time will be on you.”

”DH we need to check out calendars because I’m looking at booking a few nights away soon. Let’s figure out when you have a clear weekend.”

”DH I know you have X on tonight so will be going out but tomorrow I think I will meet XYZ for an evening catch up so don’t make any plans.”

I think it’s a stag do so it’s not an issue. And if he says fine for you to go away also I would be booking that trip regularly and having some me time asap!!

A long weekend for a stag do is a bit much in my opinion but, as a one off, fine.

In your situation your husband seems quite selfish and seems to not have accepted he's a father now and not a single man able to do as he pleases.

I would seriously consider making time for yourself, it doesn't have to be a whole weekend away from the kids but maybe a day out shopping and lunch or a trip to the cinema by yourself, anything really to make sure that your husband is doing his equal share. Try to build up to a weekend away, alone even, as I really think your husband needs a harsh reality check.

And there you go again reflecting your feelings and situations from your life on to other situations. Who mentioned anyone buying sex from women.

You’ve clearly had someone In your life not treat you very well and I’m sorry for that but not every man is buying sex the second they’re not with their partners and children.

If I (female) was getting married and my Maid of Honour suggested we merge my hen do with a family friendly holiday so she could bring her kids I’d laugh in her face.

It is absolutely healthy to still have an active social life, to travel and be an individual after having children. If you don’t think that, you’re going to create a very small life for yourself and push away anyone you are in a relationship with by suffocating them and holding them to unrealistic standards.

Based just off this occasion I was prepared to say although I understand your concerns it is a one off occasion.

But considering the other information you've put, particularly about when you were hospitalised I'm guessing it's not just a once in a blue moon thing and you're getting frustrated with it happening, particularly when you don't seem to have your time to do whatever you want.. personally I'd ensure I'd take time for me and make sure he lives up to his side of being Dad and looking after the children.

I'm guessing he hasn't had the children by himself many times if at all, please do correct me if I've assumed wrong

@Foreverexhausted1he’s going to the stag do. You need to take your equal amount of free time every single week.
Why have you let this slide, 3 kids in ?

Stop trying to imagine my life. You really can't. Ad feminam arguments don't float.

You know what 'stag do' often means. Check out the numerous threads on mumsnet.

I'm asking what enjoyable shared family life might look like for OP.

Not for a theoretical balance sheet.

An enjoyable shared life means there is family time and individual time where as all of your posts are stating how men are only good if they spend their time with their kids and that going away means you’re acting single.

It’s biased statements and so off balance.

I myself and many others around me am in healthy partnerships where we love spending time together yet both have things we do apart from each other including trips away with friends or alone. It does not mean we’re bad partners or parents or acting single.

You sound hard of thinking.

@Foreverexhausted1 do you feel respected and supported when your husband is around? Do you have shared friends? Have you kept up with friends from before marriage? What things do you like doing as a family? Does your husband make you feel special in any way? Did things change at some point ... marriage, pregnancy?

What kind of home life would you want for a daughter of yours when grown up?

@OhWhistle

how is it not true?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to go away for a weekend for a stag do, however, you need help with your 3 children. Do you have a relative or friend who can come to stay?

Also, you need to call his bluff and book yourself a weekend away and ask (tell) him to look after the children. They belong to both of you and while you may be the primary carer, they are his to care for too!

@OhWhistle

do you think when you get married and have kids that you shouldn’t have any time away with the family seeing friends or doing hobbies or whatever?

Do you have anything empathetic to say to the OP? That doesn't shift blame onto her?

No one is blaming the OP they are telling her to go out and have independent time without her children just like her husband is telling her to do. Then maybe she wouldn’t feel so put out about her husband having a weekend break because she would have recently had one or have one coming up.

@DaisyChain505 every other poster is blaming the OP!

Let him go and I also have 3 kids 4 and under my husband works away so very used to doing life solo

And if the stag in question is anywhere near as useless a husband as his so-called best man, I don’t think his stag is really worth celebration myself

@OhWhistle

yes! I’m telling the Op to get some time for herself - meet mates, go for a spa break, whatever she wants - and leave the kids with their dad as she is a person in her own right who deserves time for herself. How is that not empathetic?!

You're telling someone what to do

without knowing or considering the bigger picture

that an unsupportive partner can't be cured by any amount of personal initiative

and that love may involve all kinds of unexpected transformations so couples grow and change, they are not 'the same' individuals just with less personal time

Call him venison