Page 10 | DH is best man - stag do & young children

happyhermione · 09/04/2025 18:11

Roadkill more like (sorry!)

SapphireSeptember · 09/04/2025 18:35

@Foreverexhausted1 I'm sorry, what?! He went away when you were in hospital? I'm assuming it was an emergency stay considering your youngest was premature, but he could have cancelled. The bar for men is so low it's ridiculous.

Cherrytree86 · 09/04/2025 20:42

OhWhistle · 09/04/2025 17:49

You're telling someone what to do

without knowing or considering the bigger picture

that an unsupportive partner can't be cured by any amount of personal initiative

and that love may involve all kinds of unexpected transformations so couples grow and change, they are not 'the same' individuals just with less personal time

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@OhWhistle

op’s husband isn’t wrong for wanting a social life. Op can have one too if she wants!

laraitopbanana · 10/04/2025 18:07

So the problem is not that you can’t agree, the problem he just do what he wants to.

I would say, stop acting like he cares and plan as if he isn’t there? Have him choose and own it instead of trying to convince you and play you in the end. Less emotional garbage.

👌

CuriousQuestioningGal · 10/04/2025 18:19

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:14

Thanks for all the replies. If I add up all the nights he's had over the last couple of years I'm probably owed a month off by now! I will hold him to having the kids and make some plans of my own. He's not had all 3 by himself for more than a couple of hours so maybe that will make him realise it's not as easy as he thinks it is!

Make sure your plans are for a long weekend...or several of them. Have fun OP!

Ruffpuff · 10/04/2025 18:32

I had this life with my ex. Seriously op, let him go, however, book a weekend somewhere (with a friend or alone if you’d enjoy it) and just go. Do to him exactly as he does to you. If he’s being honest that he’d do the same for you then you’ll soon find out.

Also, stop organising your life around the children if he isn’t. Arrange an evening out with a friend when you know he’ll be home, then tell him you’re going out- leave the kids with him. This situation is going to cause nothing but burning resentment for you.

Meltdown247 · 10/04/2025 19:05

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:19

Yes I've noticed there aren't many offers to babysit anymore with 3 kids!

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You obviously knew what he was like before you agreed the second and definitely the third. If he was so bad at taking ownership for looking after them and not giving you a break it would have been wise to keep to the first and find a better option for the next 2. Feel you made this bed…literally!

hadenoughofsnowflakes · 10/04/2025 19:12

Bloody hell - why have three kids so young if as a mother you can’t look after them alone?? It’s a long weekend that’s all! Surely you are your own seperate people. And before any silly replies my husband used to go away for long weekends and we had 4 little ones - just organise yourself and have a nice time with the kids.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 10/04/2025 19:16

hadenoughofsnowflakes · 10/04/2025 19:12

Bloody hell - why have three kids so young if as a mother you can’t look after them alone?? It’s a long weekend that’s all! Surely you are your own seperate people. And before any silly replies my husband used to go away for long weekends and we had 4 little ones - just organise yourself and have a nice time with the kids.

Did you go away for long weekends too?

Pessismistic · 10/04/2025 20:58

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 09:25

Hi everyone,

Looking for some opinions on this situation as me & DH can't agree!

DH is the best man so is organising the stag do. We have 3 DC, 5, 3 and under 1. Originally it was going to be a day, possibly overnight but the groom wants to do a long weekend. DH thinks IABU to say a long weekend is too long with 3 young kids.

DH says if I wanted to go away I could and he would look after DC but I'm not sure he really means it. He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go.

AIBU?

Hi Op just to say he’s pretty selfish leaving you when you are vulnerable but going forward he puts himself first you need to the same. so like other pp have said book something away for minimum 2 full days go to another town so your not called upon even if it is going away alone to have a walk and a good sleep let him put his money where his mouth is. So if you say I’m taking you up on your offer don’t make any plans for x weekend I’m away so you have the 3 kids and do this again and again don’t ask just tell him. Let him know that you need a break as much as he does and meet your friends in the night don’t take any dc leave him to it.

Toptops · 10/04/2025 20:58

arethereanyleftatall · 09/04/2025 09:34

he should go.

you should also go on a different long weekend without dc

This! Obviously!

Original poster

Foreverexhausted1 · 10/04/2025 21:19

Thank you to everyone else who has responded. I've not had time to keep up with all the messages. I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to write something constructive. I do wonder if people would be quite so rude with their replies if they were having this conversation face to face. I imagine those who have been so quick to criticise my choices have perfect lives and have never found themselves in an unintended situation and if they did, they would be happy to be treated with such a judgemental attitude. I would also like to say that at no point did I say I was unable to cope or couldn't manage to look after my own children. My post wasn't about whether I am capable, it was about what is reasonable.

Edited to add that I have made some plans to have some time to myself and I'm very much looking forward to it

OP posts:

Missj25 · 10/04/2025 21:45

Hi OP 👋..
Well if he’s best man , obviously a very close friend of his , he has to go surely .. (Have you a reason you don’t want him to go for that long aside from the kids being young ?)
Take him up on his offer to have kids & organise something away aswel with friends , sisters, whatever, when you feel like a break , doesn’t have to be a full weekend, you may not like to go for that long from the kids , whatever suits you 🤷🏻‍♀️
With regard to still going away when you were heavily pregnant & hospitalised, well that was wrong of him ..
That’s in the past though , can only look ahead
so plan something OP & enjoy 😊

Needspaceforlego · 10/04/2025 21:50

Foreverexhausted1 · 10/04/2025 21:19

Thank you to everyone else who has responded. I've not had time to keep up with all the messages. I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to write something constructive. I do wonder if people would be quite so rude with their replies if they were having this conversation face to face. I imagine those who have been so quick to criticise my choices have perfect lives and have never found themselves in an unintended situation and if they did, they would be happy to be treated with such a judgemental attitude. I would also like to say that at no point did I say I was unable to cope or couldn't manage to look after my own children. My post wasn't about whether I am capable, it was about what is reasonable.

Edited to add that I have made some plans to have some time to myself and I'm very much looking forward to it

Edited

Good. Everyone needs time to themselves now and again.

Pessismistic · 10/04/2025 22:53

Foreverexhausted1 · 10/04/2025 21:19

Thank you to everyone else who has responded. I've not had time to keep up with all the messages. I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to write something constructive. I do wonder if people would be quite so rude with their replies if they were having this conversation face to face. I imagine those who have been so quick to criticise my choices have perfect lives and have never found themselves in an unintended situation and if they did, they would be happy to be treated with such a judgemental attitude. I would also like to say that at no point did I say I was unable to cope or couldn't manage to look after my own children. My post wasn't about whether I am capable, it was about what is reasonable.

Edited to add that I have made some plans to have some time to myself and I'm very much looking forward to it

Edited

Good for you some people on here just like having a go at others for the sake of it. The whole point of this forum is to get peoples opinions not to be critical of them. Please ignore these people they are not worth the time or effort.

Brokeandold · 11/04/2025 07:28

My DH would go away for work ( roughly 10 days) on average twice a year, we had 2 DS close in age then our DD a few years later, I found it hard, I would “cope” with the routines, school/work but feel relieved when he was back. He does his fair share but is oblivious to all the school stuff, trips, arranging the school meals, parent evenings, even asked the other week about school holidays, our eldest is now 25, DD in Y10… we’ve been in school life mode for around 20 years!
He’s also been away with his friends, the odd week away, my thoughts are that the money he spends on the trip we could have a trip away as a family, I’m at my happiest with my family.I would like my DC with me when I travel ( UK only!) . As the DS’s are older now, any time away together is precious, they have their own lives/relationships.
My DH says he doesn't feel like that , he has his interests and is happy to pursue them. I guess it comes down to what kind of personality you are. I see it as him putting his needs first-selfish
Your family are young, you need to support each other, its relentless hard work , his family should come first, I’ve know alot of men like this, they can switch off and almost forget their responsibilities as long as they’re having fun.
Try and arrange some time away, a few breaks, you deserve some time for yourself.

Zanatdy · 11/04/2025 07:30

For a stag do, I don’t think it’s unreasonable no. I personally think it’s good to both of you to have a few weekends a year to spend with friends. It’s those things that keep you going when you’re in the trenches of parenting young kids. Mine have grown up now, but ex DP went away for a week when youngest was a baby. My mum came to stay, mainly as it was just a nice opportunity whilst ex was away.

FormidableMizzP · 11/04/2025 10:09

YANBU. He has children now. Yes he's best man and if this was a one off, fine, but it sounds like he does it often. When do you get to go off out?
Am glad to see you've planned something for yourself - keep doing that!

After more than 16yrs as a 'single wife', 2 kids under 2, I could count on 1 hand the nights off I'd had. DH could barely manage for an hour with both and even doing bathtime he'd be sitting on the floor reading a book or working on his ipad.
There were hundreds of broken promises to reciprocate, eventually it broke me.

No 2 relationships are the same but it sounds like you need to put your line in the sand and be assertive with it. Good luck.

Lilacmonster · 11/04/2025 10:13

As a mum to young DC I personally think you’re unreasonable.

But I think the main issue here isn’t being without DH for the weekend, it’s because you’re not taking time to your own “me time” so you’re full of resentment.

Tell DH he can go but you need to plan your own time.

Myself and DH have both had the odd long weekend away with friends since having kids, I’d like to think that even though we are great parents we both still have our own time.

Lilacmonster · 11/04/2025 10:15

Foreverexhausted1 · 10/04/2025 21:19

Thank you to everyone else who has responded. I've not had time to keep up with all the messages. I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to write something constructive. I do wonder if people would be quite so rude with their replies if they were having this conversation face to face. I imagine those who have been so quick to criticise my choices have perfect lives and have never found themselves in an unintended situation and if they did, they would be happy to be treated with such a judgemental attitude. I would also like to say that at no point did I say I was unable to cope or couldn't manage to look after my own children. My post wasn't about whether I am capable, it was about what is reasonable.

Edited to add that I have made some plans to have some time to myself and I'm very much looking forward to it

Edited

Sorry didn’t see this before I commented, so glad you’ve taken time to yourself.

No DH isn’t unreasonable and you would be unfair to not let him go

But you also absolutely deserve your own time and DH will have to take care of his own kids whilst you do so.

Maybe this is a wake up call to start having a bit of a break and more you time x

Valeriekat · 11/04/2025 10:16

Sofiewoo · 09/04/2025 09:30

I think either parent should be able to do a long weekend every now and then.

My DH and I both went on a stag/ hen when ours were 3 and 9 months for a few nights. I don’t think it’s a crazy amount of time to mind your own kids.

I would not have left my babies when they were that young so I think you are atypical.

DoughBallss · 11/04/2025 10:32

I do think you’re being unreasonable here.

We have a 4 & 1 year old, I go out out more/do weekends away but OH has a hobby which is usually half a day at a time a few times a month.

It evens itself out and we don’t keep score - it’s healthy to have time with our friends and away from the kids. We are all parents AND people

DoughBallss · 11/04/2025 10:35

Valeriekat · 11/04/2025 10:16

I would not have left my babies when they were that young so I think you are atypical.

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Leaving your kids with their other parent for a weekend really isn’t a big deal

I went away for my 30th when youngest was 9 months, can confirm he and his sister survived and had a lovely weekend with their dad

rainbowstardrops · 11/04/2025 10:40

I think all the people saying it’s just a weekend/surely you can cope with your own children etc, are totally missing the point that the DH buggered off with mates when his wife was pregnant and in hospital!!! What a peach!
OP, I’m glad you’ve arranged some time for yourself. I just hope it’s a decent amount of time and not just a couple of hours!

Lilacmonster · 11/04/2025 10:42

DoughBallss · 11/04/2025 10:35

Leaving your kids with their other parent for a weekend really isn’t a big deal

I went away for my 30th when youngest was 9 months, can confirm he and his sister survived and had a lovely weekend with their dad

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You’re absolutely right.

You are not a better parent because you couldn’t imagine leaving your children so little

Commenting saying “DH needs to realise he’s a dad, he shouldn’t be going on stag dos or weekends away”

Parents deserve a life as well as being a parent, both parents deserve a break every now and then.