DH is best man - stag do & young children

[Foreverexhausted1]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some opinions on this situation as me & DH can't agree!

DH is the best man so is organising the stag do. We have 3 DC, 5, 3 and under 1. Originally it was going to be a day, possibly overnight but the groom wants to do a long weekend. DH thinks IABU to say a long weekend is too long with 3 young kids.

DH says if I wanted to go away I could and he would look after DC but I'm not sure he really means it. He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go.

AIBU?

Every family is different.
DH has a couple of long weekends in a year. Planned one year to the next. And maybe a couple of other nights out.

I have a night out every month, and a day out once or twice a year.

Added up I have far more time to myself than he does. Albeit in much smaller blocks of time. Different strokes for different folks.

But whatever way people deal with it, friendships and maintaining friendships are important.
Shit happens in life, people end up widowed or divorced. Having a network of friends is so important.

Incredible parenting? No bloody choice was there..? Do you reckon all soldiers can run home from wars to help out with kids? Myeldest DD was 3,5 years before sleeping through the night actually

Putting bros over young family is awful what I was trying to say. I’m all for weekends away with mates - but not if you’re a man who hasn’t ever solo parented his THREE kids for more than a few hours. In their whole lives! While their post partum mother is posting on mumsnet under the name ‘forever exhausted’ in utter desperation. What a shitty role model for his kids too. In this context, yes it’s a stupid and inconsequential friendship and I wouldn’t waste my time worrying about it if I were OP.

If OP were happy and coping well with her baby and two other kids it would be a different story.

@Needspaceforlego I’m not saying friendship isn’t important, but we are talking about a dad who has only had his children on his own for a couple of hours. OP had to have a child tag along when she meets up with friends, dad of the year just goes out whenever it pleases him and never with a child tagging along

My point is can we lay off the competitive parenting @Gogogo12345 . It’s great that you managed it but OP isn’t managing. She’s desperately unhappy and I really feel for her.

Yes, people have babies with soldiers. Yes women have babies alone. Yes men walk out. But none of these situations applies to OP and hearing about this won’t better her own situation. It’s smug and unhelpful.

Shes on her knees. Have a heart

I stated in a previous post that she should take a weekend to herself.

@Gogogo12345 she needs more than a weekend she needs a partner who can actually parent day to day

Oh FFS give it a rest. If she wasn't happy with his parenting then she wouldn't have had 3 bloody kids with him

@Gogogo12345

this is true! ⬆️

Does she have to, or are her plans during the working week or something? I don't get the impression OP has much of a life for her DH to object to. He can hardly solo parent when Mum never goes anywhere. Two sides to every story.
I think Mum's often fall into the martyrdom trap, and choose stop living our own lives. Whereas men don't. The solution is to make more plans. If he starts to object at that point, it's an issue.

Yanbu op. However by your own admission he will be going. You say you are too exhausted to go out of an evening- if I were you I would book myself in for a three night spa weekend. You can be pampered, meet up with mates for lunch, and then go back to a huge clean bed with a book and some music. You can have a glass of wine on the lobby or order room service. Order a takeaway to your room. Have three nights to yourself and come back not exhausted. (To a frantic and exhausted dh who won’t know what’s hit him if he’s never had them all at once! Hopefully he’ll appreciate you more!)

BEST PLAN right here, OP! ⬆️ @Foreverexhausted1

I think there isn’t much you can about stag dos tbh. They do often tend to last a few days. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to do odd weekend with his friends. You are also entitled to do the same.

that said, my DH travelled an awful lot when my children were small so I was left for weeks alone with babies and toddlers. people do also manage as single parents so I don’t think a parent going away for 3 days here and there is a massive issue tbh. But that goes both ways if the Op wants time away as well.

Do you both work, full time, part time? I think if the household chores and parenting are being shared it’s helpful to get an insight of who works what

^^ This.
And tell him you've added up all the times he's gone away and you are going to start booking your own weekends away.
Would there be any of your friends up for a week away in Spain when you're no longer breastfeeding? He obviously needs parenting practise and a week would give him time to really get a grip on it.

I agree my son and friends are going on a long weekend stag do! 2 of the group have children under a year, both are going with their wives blessing!

If it was a one off I’d say let him go. I’m more concerned he left you while you were poorly and heavily pregnant.

also 3 kids and he still had annual lads holidays feels immature- and costly!

Presumably your sons are not dreadful parents who have never looked after their kids solo for more than a few hours.

The long weekend is a red herring I think. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. The guy is useless and the OP is desperately posting under the user name ‘forever exhausted’

The consequences of a lack of support post partum can be dire: a few of my friends have had post partum depression and it’s horrific to see up close. Not saying that’s OP’s situation but she has two small kids and a baby. I think we all need to give the woman a break about this stupid stag do. It’s the tip of the iceberg by the sounds

Just let him and go and absolutely book yourself time away. If you feel three nights is too long for you personally to go away, then do a couple of one nighter spa breaks or visit a friend. You shouldn't be chained to the house and kids, either of you

Stop taking a child to meet friends - just go yourself. Otherwise you’re enabling. He needs to build up experience handling his 3 kids by himself.

go to the cinema yourself over dinner time and bed time and let him handle it. He needs to learn his own coping mechanisms

if he hasn’t experienced how hard it is he doesn’t know what he’s asking of you.

He went away whilst you'were in hospital with pregnancy complications?

OP.

He planned a little holiday KNOWING you were at risk of complications & fucked off anyway?

OP!!

I honestly can't get past that bit. I mean, in isolation, then yabu about this stag do thing (which I think are cringe anyway) but the other stuff??!

No.

Yeah my DDs both have done this First time one of their husbands was left with the 4 year old and 8 week old for the day by himself he bought DD flowers as appreciative of the previous 6 weeks that he'd been working. And he is definitely a 50/50 dad

Some children survive by scavenging without any parents at all in war zones. If we're talking about the Forces and oil rigs.

Doesn't mean that's the new standard and we should turn our children out to fend for themselves every so often. There are extraordinary family situations and ordinary ones. OP hasn't said that she married someone in the Forces. She has a reasonable expectation of a home life negotiated by the day or week, not by months.

@OhWhistle You seem to have some sort of chip on your shoulder about whatever is going on in your own life and some of your replies are utterly baffling.

Saying that the Best man should organise a family holiday/stag do together is ridiculous.

Saying that people wanting to still have a life of their own after having children is them acting single is insane.

Saying that a good dad is someone who enjoys spending time with their children and not doing anything else.

Your views are not heathy. People are still individuals after having children. Male and female. It is not healthy to cut off your entire world just because you’ve reproduced. Parents still have the right to hobbies, friendships, travel and anything else! It doesn’t just have to be one or the other.