DH is best man - stag do & young children

[Foreverexhausted1]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some opinions on this situation as me & DH can't agree!

DH is the best man so is organising the stag do. We have 3 DC, 5, 3 and under 1. Originally it was going to be a day, possibly overnight but the groom wants to do a long weekend. DH thinks IABU to say a long weekend is too long with 3 young kids.

DH says if I wanted to go away I could and he would look after DC but I'm not sure he really means it. He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go.

AIBU?

Going away while you were hospitalised was a bit of a dick move! I guess if it was already booked and parents can cover.. not nice though. I wouldn't have gone.

YABVU
just do the same with your friends.

YABU.

You're an adult and have chosen to have three kids with a man who likes going away. You can manage just fine on your own.

As he has offered for you to also go away, then book something.

yeah its the chosing the flights, chosing the hotel etc that no one can ever agree on and everyone wants their opinion to be the most important one.

We've all been in those group chats.

A weekend is not too long with 3 young kids. A week might be pushing it IMO but its a stag do that he’s best man at, it’s not a frequent thing.

You should absolutely do the same if he’s saying this. My DH goes away each year for the weekend, last time the kids were 5, 1 and 4 months. It’s hard as is all solo parenting with 3 but it’s just what it is

I wouldn't make this an issue. However I would start taking time for yourself and letting him take care of the kids. He clearly knows you won't do it at the moment.

A long weekend is pretty standard for a stag do. Being best man is a big honour for a guy so I can't believe how awkward and controlling you are being about it. If I was him, I would go no matter how difficult you try to make it.

I've never found this, but even so doesn't seem fair to begrudge someone doing something that they're happy for you to also do just because can't manage to plan anything!

So test that theory. Go away for a weekend first.

I hate to do it because I always want to vote for the women, but I’m afraid I have to go with YABU. Unless there is backstory.

No, we haven’t.

It’s hugely sexist to say women can’t agree on plans and trying to plan things with women is “always awful”.

You’re not like other girls are you?

For goodness sake, the sky won't fall in if he has a few days away! I know it's a cliche, but single parents do "solo" childcare all the time. Please, OP, don't be that wife!

I would do my best to support this. I would expect the same in return if it was the other way round too.

It's not a random long weekend, its part of his friends wedding celebration so why not.

Gosh, you must have very indecisive or incompetent friends. Yesterday one of my friends suggested a bunch of us go to an event in Brussels next month. Two couldn’t do the dates for various reasons, I knew DH was away for work so needed to find childcare, but four of us have booked flights and are looking at hotels.

I had children of the same age and although it's hard I think it's a very legitimate reason for wanting to go away for the weekend. If the roles were reversed would you not go?

I think you need to suck it up and plan a weekend away for yourself. It's healthy to have time away with your friends and he will just need to manage like you will need to.

Thanks for all the replies. If I add up all the nights he's had over the last couple of years I'm probably owed a month off by now! I will hold him to having the kids and make some plans of my own. He's not had all 3 by himself for more than a couple of hours so maybe that will make him realise it's not as easy as he thinks it is!

He was wrong to go away when you were heavy pregnant and hospitalised, but one weekend leaving you with the kids isn’t BU.

What about before your third child, how many times has he had the 2 older ones by himself?

Has he ever stopped you having time to yourself? Or have you just not asked/told him you're doing x, y, z and he needs to look after the children by himself? So many women moan about their partners having time to themselves, but never take them up on the offer of time in return; do it!

I haven’t. You need to a)get better friends and b) shed the internalised misogyny.

I think saying I'm controlling is unfair. I haven't said 'you can't go', it was a conversation about how long was reasonable, not whether he could go or not. For context he goes out whenever he likes, meeting friends at the pub, running, whatever and I don't stop him

I would say you need to start building up the time he has alone with the kids. As soon as I had a third any babysitting offers I had evaporated and have never returned so I sure a hell wasn't going to let my husband off with not being able to manage them all!

Not much, when I was in hospital was probably the first time for more than a couple of hours

I voted YABU as I think it’s a special occasion, especially as he is best man.

That said, if I told my DH I wasn’t happy with him going he wouldn’t go or he would offer a compromise, and if I was heavily pregnant like you were last year (I’m not sure what constitutes as heavily pregnant!) he wouldn’t even consider it. Does he often just do things he wants to do with no consideration of your view on it?

Can you go away for a long weekend before he goes on this stag do, rather than at some unspecified point in the future?

It might help to bring home the reality of what he is expecting you to do.

That way he might decide it's only reasonable to commit to a shorter stag do, or go away less often in general.