DH is best man - stag do & young children

[Foreverexhausted1]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some opinions on this situation as me & DH can't agree!

DH is the best man so is organising the stag do. We have 3 DC, 5, 3 and under 1. Originally it was going to be a day, possibly overnight but the groom wants to do a long weekend. DH thinks IABU to say a long weekend is too long with 3 young kids.

DH says if I wanted to go away I could and he would look after DC but I'm not sure he really means it. He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go.

AIBU?

Number, not amount. Are you a woman?

It's called 'family life', not 'help'. How do you define responsibility vs freedom?

Good dads enjoy spending time taking care of their families, especially when children are small and there are so many 'firsts' to be part of.

@empee47 this particular man doesn't 'help' though.

Help is the nastiest four letter word in this context.

Make sure you have your long weekend somewhere before he goes on the stag do.

Op I wouldn't say no to DH going on a stag do I don't think a weekend is an unreasonable ask. If it was a full week of annual leave and screwing the family holiday budget i might think differently.

However i think you need to start having some ME time. If it's not a night out, go for a swim or the gym, hobby group doing something. Anything that's a bit of you time.

What’s so staggering is your ignorance or inability to comprehend that children under 5 are SUCH hard work.

It's 4 days max , you can cope with the kids for 4 days ffs

If I couldt handle 3 children under 5 myself i wouldn't have had 3 children under 5, I would have no issues my husband going away and he wouldn't with me

@BlondiePortz maybe the dad should have thought about that as he hasn’t ever looked after 3 of them

LOL at some of the replies here. You are NOT being unreasonable. He is a father of 3 children whom I assuming he had just as equal hand in creating as OP did. The stag do does not sound like a one off when it comes to him abandoning OP to go off and have fun on his own. We don’t like in an age anymore where we have the “village” around us. Childcare with 3 young children is utterly exhausting and should be a shared enterprise between two parents. He needs to start considering you in his decision making process and you need to start holding him accountable for this too.

It sounds like this stag do is going to happen for come what may but I would have a proper conversation with him about this OP. You cannot wait for him to suddenly change his attitude without you laying down some ground rules and expectations moving forward.

The groom shouldn’t have to miss out on tne kind of stag do he wants, because of your childcare. The best man (aka your husband) shouldn’t have to miss out on a full weekend away because you don’t want to be alone with your children all weekend. Have you got friends/parents you can meet that weekend who could help you out a bit, if you’re going to struggle? Let him go. You’ll be thankful of this next year when you want a long weekend away with friends and he can have the kids all weekend!

Guests should not have to miss out on family life because of the groom's exclusionary approach to weddings.

The groom could plan a child friendly wedding and/or the best man could plan a family holiday around it in the same location.

You both chose to have 3 kids- the complaining about how hard it is now is insane to me. Everyone, including the mother, is allowed a lie. YABU to say it’s too much with 3 kids, equally leave him to it sometimes and take your time away from the kids.

@CandyCane457 I think OP would just be grateful for more than a couple of hours break from the DC. Unfortunately dad doesn’t seem capable of providing that

Because married life is all about pretending to be single again as often as possible, not building something new. Right.

But that's not the guy's fault is it? I think the stag is fine and the husband should have his bluff called and the OP go away, with or without other people as she chooses.

You’re still people- seeing your friends, having trips is not acting single. Just saying it’s baffling to complain that 3 kids is hard- duh!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to go to a stag weekend, but he sounds pretty selfish on the whole. When ours were tiny, my husband made efforts all the time to take them out so I could have some alone time.

An occasional long weekend away is fine. You should organise more time away for yourself if you want to. If he's not stepping up day to day, that's a separate issue.
DH has much more time away than I do, because I'm a homebod and he's a social butterfly. It's not a big deal because he pulls his weight and gives me time for the things I like to do no question. There's no need for tit for tat for the sake of it.

In theory I'd say it's fine and I would cope, then book a weekend away for myself.

However....

Him going away when heavily pregnant and hospitalised is an absolute dickhead move, so in this case I'd tell him to f off.

I think your issue isn't about one weekend it's about the whole thing.
You need to just start leaving the house - join a gym with a spa and take yourself off there a couple evenings a week and all day on weekend every so often

If he objects in the slightest then you have a leg to stand on re stag but I think you just need to book in your time off

Book a spa weekend or solo yoga retreat soon and just go he'll have to cope

Could he organize help while he's away like his parents coming to take at least one kid out for at least one day

Agree

He's an arsehole but this the one ocasion where you shouldn't be putting your foot down, sorry.

I don't think you get it.
Parenting is part of being 'people'. It's embarking together on the adventure of raising more people. (Children are people btw.)