Page 7 | DH is best man - stag do & young children

Foreverexhausted1 · 2025-04-09T08:25:40+00:00

Hi everyone, Looking for some opinions on this situation as me & DH can't agree! DH is the best man so is organising the stag do. We have 3 DC, 5, 3 and under 1. Originally it was going to be a day, possibly overnight but the groom wants to do a long weekend. DH thinks IABU to say a long weekend is too long with 3 young kids. DH says if I wanted to go away I could and he would look after DC but I'm not sure he really means it. He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go. AIBU?

soninthesun · 09/04/2025 13:26

Do people still have stag dos? I thought that was just a man going out to enjoy one last night being single, a free pass to have strippers and women while his married mates got a free pass to join them with that in the air of it being his mates stag. Maybe I worked in too many bars when I was younger.

OhWhistle · 09/04/2025 13:28

soninthesun · 09/04/2025 13:26

Do people still have stag dos? I thought that was just a man going out to enjoy one last night being single, a free pass to have strippers and women while his married mates got a free pass to join them with that in the air of it being his mates stag. Maybe I worked in too many bars when I was younger.

Yes. Some of my friends opt for mixed-gender friend-group activities for each of the people getting married, instead of the "does my wife need an STI test after my fun time" shenanigans.

Scottishskifun · 09/04/2025 13:30

I would hold him to you being able to go away and book something in the diary!

I have about 2 weeks stored up of overnights, 1 week is to be a girls holiday the other week are several spa trips I have in the planning process.

Cherrytree86 · 09/04/2025 13:31

Get yourself a lovely spa break with your pals, Op! 🥂And leave the kids with their dad 😀
…what are you waiting for?)
@Foreverexhausted1

CoffeeTable22 · 09/04/2025 13:33

You can grumble about it, but at the end of the day if the stag wants a long weekend, and your DH is the best man, then yes he should go, and you find ways to cope on your own.

If it was me I'd have my mum round for a night or two.
I'd also be looking at making sure I get equal opportunities for breaks and long weekends as well.

schnubbins · 09/04/2025 13:38

If that was the case then nobody that had young kids would have a life for about 10 years .There would always be some reason for someone not to go out /go away . You will have to start going out and going away with your friends and let him do the same .It will do you the world of good and your marraige too.
My husband travelled a lot for work when my kids were small , he was gone all the time .Once when they were 3 yrs and 1 years he was gone for four months solid on a project .In that time I built up friendships with other mums whose husbands travelled and we helped each other out .They are the friendships that survived the test of time .

happyhermione · 09/04/2025 13:39

But why @CoffeeTable22? Why prioritise her husbands stupid friendship when he’s not prioritising their small children? Why should OP give a shit about the groom’s ‘big day’? She is posting in desperation to mumsnet with a user name ‘forever exhausted’ - why should she expend a single fuck.

Her husband has solo parented for mere ‘hours’ through the whole lives of their 3 kids

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/04/2025 13:41

OhWhistle · 09/04/2025 13:25

I don't think you get it.
Parenting is part of being 'people'. It's embarking together on the adventure of raising more people. (Children are people btw.)

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Of course and it’s the most important part of me or my husband but it’s not all we are. How often should a parent go out in your opinion?
Also I have 2 children, so neither me nor my husband struggles when parenting alone or taking them out alone.

OhWhistle · 09/04/2025 13:43

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/04/2025 13:41

Of course and it’s the most important part of me or my husband but it’s not all we are. How often should a parent go out in your opinion?
Also I have 2 children, so neither me nor my husband struggles when parenting alone or taking them out alone.

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Okay and this thread is not about you. How about addressing the OP's situation and sharing useful reflections on how your husband stepped up from day 1?

DraftLovely · 09/04/2025 13:43

I would say he's very selfish and no he shouldn't be going away. He shouldn't have even allowed the idea as he should have known the impact it would have on you. It is very hard work leaving someone with a baby for a long weekend let alone three children.
Leaving you previously when you were in hospital was a truly awful thing to do and I wouldn't have carried the relationship on. Life changes when you make commitments, such as having children. It's all very well saying 'you can have this time too' but that's not really what it's about. Maybe you could, but I bet you'd have to put so much extra work into preparing the house, him, the kids and possibly outside help for that time. Would standards be kept up in that time as well or would you have to come back to a mess and would the children be attended to in the same manner as you would? Also, for me I don't want the alone time that's offered of going away. I need support in the house, with the children, with the cleaning, with the family time. And not being made to feel guilty of telling him no or even having to tell him no or being unhappy about it if he does go.

Codlingmoths · 09/04/2025 13:47

Op, PLEASE make your weekend away before the stag do. Notice what happens when you come back and what’s done and if he expects you to jump back into it say very pointedly if you are going on a whole weekend for a stag you had better come back fresh and ready to jump in and give me a break since that’s what you expect of me.

I think he sounds like a selfish dick, and you need to build up your self worth and anger to insist on more fairness. When my dh says do you mind if I go.. sometimes I do mind. I say yes actually as you were out last night and I’m really really tired. So I’m going to shower and bed after dinner and you’re looking after the dc, I’d love to feel awake enough to stay up much less go out but I’m pooped.
or, so when are those things going to get done then? You won’t be able to play football Sunday if they aren’t done. Are you willing to risk that?

Spacehop · 09/04/2025 13:50

BlondiePortz · 09/04/2025 12:42

If I couldt handle 3 children under 5 myself i wouldn't have had 3 children under 5, I would have no issues my husband going away and he wouldn't with me

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Round of applause.

I expect you also have a well-paid job and cook everything from scratch. Really well done!

Ignore this kind of bollocks OP. Of course it's not just about coping it's also about fairness and being considered by your partner. I do agree with PP that you have to carve out your own me-time even if it's staying in a nice hotel on your own. And make sure it's booked and paid for before he goes away and that HE has to arrange childcare if necessary or do it himself.

Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 13:51

noidea69 · 09/04/2025 09:37

generally beacause making plans to go away with other women is always a nightmare, and not worth the bother doing, so weekend away never happens.

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You can do by yourself or as part of a mixed group. Nobody says it has to be a " girls weekend"

But it's not unreasonable for him to go on a stag weekend and Dsurley you manage looking after the kids usually anyway

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2025 13:52

crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 11:05

@Burngreave the difference is that you get chance to go away too, and I assume your DH does some parenting in between trips too.

Apparently not
Sorry, wrong place

The OP's husband doesn't appear to

outerspacepotato · 09/04/2025 13:57

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have your kids alone for a long weekend.

What is unreasonable is that he's not doing the same so you can have a getaway. That he's not spent more than a couple hours alone with his own kids.

Both parents should be capable and competent at managing their family by themselves for a period of time. I think that's a necessity.

Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 14:02

Got to agree with this But then again my eldest was born when her Dad was away in the gulf War. So had to cope alone right from the start

Cherrytree86 · 09/04/2025 14:20

happyhermione · 09/04/2025 13:39

But why @CoffeeTable22? Why prioritise her husbands stupid friendship when he’s not prioritising their small children? Why should OP give a shit about the groom’s ‘big day’? She is posting in desperation to mumsnet with a user name ‘forever exhausted’ - why should she expend a single fuck.

Her husband has solo parented for mere ‘hours’ through the whole lives of their 3 kids

@happyhermione

friendships are not stupid. Do you view your friendships as stupid? There is more to life than family.

Vaxtable · 09/04/2025 14:21

Let him go, but book a long weekend for you as well!

Cherrytree86 · 09/04/2025 14:22

DraftLovely · 09/04/2025 13:43

I would say he's very selfish and no he shouldn't be going away. He shouldn't have even allowed the idea as he should have known the impact it would have on you. It is very hard work leaving someone with a baby for a long weekend let alone three children.
Leaving you previously when you were in hospital was a truly awful thing to do and I wouldn't have carried the relationship on. Life changes when you make commitments, such as having children. It's all very well saying 'you can have this time too' but that's not really what it's about. Maybe you could, but I bet you'd have to put so much extra work into preparing the house, him, the kids and possibly outside help for that time. Would standards be kept up in that time as well or would you have to come back to a mess and would the children be attended to in the same manner as you would? Also, for me I don't want the alone time that's offered of going away. I need support in the house, with the children, with the cleaning, with the family time. And not being made to feel guilty of telling him no or even having to tell him no or being unhappy about it if he does go.

@DraftLovely

standards? What do you mean? They can slip for a few days if it means a mother gets to maintain her friendships and have a life outside of her family!

YRGAM · 09/04/2025 14:22

outerspacepotato · 09/04/2025 13:57

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have your kids alone for a long weekend.

What is unreasonable is that he's not doing the same so you can have a getaway. That he's not spent more than a couple hours alone with his own kids.

Both parents should be capable and competent at managing their family by themselves for a period of time. I think that's a necessity.

But from what I can tell from the OP, he has asked and offered for her to go away/leave the kids and she doesn't want to

happyhermione · 09/04/2025 14:24

Oh god would you ever give it a rest @Gogogo12345 and other smug posters congratulating themselves for their incredible parenting. It’s macho and incredibly unempathetic in the context of this thread. Surely we know more about mental health these days.

Who knows what OP is going through to write this on mumsnet with her username and useless bloke. She might have mild depression, sleep deprivation, severe post partum depression - who knows.

Plus your kids might be different to OP’s kids. I could probably solo parent my 11 month old and toddler alone but my second has such an easy temperament compared to my first and is now sleeping through. I couldn’t have done it with my first baby without losing my mind and she doesn’t even have disabilities or anything. Some parents get tougher assignments than others and need more support. It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Needspaceforlego · 09/04/2025 14:24

Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 14:02

Got to agree with this But then again my eldest was born when her Dad was away in the gulf War. So had to cope alone right from the start

Hats off to you and every other forces mum!

DH has always travelled with work but never more that 4 nights a week. When DC1 was born I kept thinking, if Forces Mums and Oil Rig mums manage so can I.

crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 14:26

@Needspaceforlego maybe the dad should think the same, rather than a couple of hours here and there parenting

Saracen · 09/04/2025 14:31

Agree with everyone else saying for this particular thing YABU, but you need to leave your DH with the kids more often.

You say you are too tired to go out in the evenings, which I get, but that means you need more time off, not less. Have an entire Saturday just to sit in a coffee shop and read, or go to a park on a nice afternoon and sleep in the sun. Or cheek a friend or relative to let you come relax for the afternoon at their house - if you are too tired to socialise with them, you could find out when they are going to be away and invite yourself to occupy their house then.

If the kids were a bit older I would say get DH to take them out for the day so you could be home alone, but it would be hard work for him being out for a solid day with three young kids. He could take them out for three hours though.

Gogogo12345 · 09/04/2025 14:34

Needspaceforlego · 09/04/2025 14:24

Hats off to you and every other forces mum!

DH has always travelled with work but never more that 4 nights a week. When DC1 was born I kept thinking, if Forces Mums and Oil Rig mums manage so can I.

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Lol he was more of a bloody pain when he was home TBH. I was used to doing things myself. Luckily I was young ( 20) and had more energy back then