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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is best man - stag do & young children

265 replies

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 09:25

Hi everyone,

Looking for some opinions on this situation as me & DH can't agree!

DH is the best man so is organising the stag do. We have 3 DC, 5, 3 and under 1. Originally it was going to be a day, possibly overnight but the groom wants to do a long weekend. DH thinks IABU to say a long weekend is too long with 3 young kids.

DH says if I wanted to go away I could and he would look after DC but I'm not sure he really means it. He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OhWhistle · 09/04/2025 11:26

mindutopia · 09/04/2025 11:24

Dh was best man for several friends when our dc were babies or young toddlers. Organising the stag dos and going to the childfree weddings (including one abroad!). He also had several stag dos for his 500 cousins during those years. All 3-4 days and lots of them abroad.

As long as he can afford it and isn’t dipping into household finances so that you can’t pay the mortgage, it’s a perfectly normal thing to be doing at that life stage. You can’t dictate that his friend doesn’t have a weekend long stag do because you can’t cope with your own children.

It’s one weekend and it’s just something you do for a good friend. If he’s going on golfing weekends away every month, yes, I’d agree those need to stop for a bit. But a one off is fine. If there are bigger problems in your relationship though, then that is a separate issue.

And book yourself in for a similar weekend away. Of course, he can manage to look after his own children. I went to Australia for 2 weeks when my eldest was 16 months. And off to Italy when youngest was just over a year. I go on at least one holiday every year and leave Dh with the kids. Last year I walked the Camino de Santiago for 9 days. It was great. I’ve never asked permission, I simply coordinate dates before I book to make sure dh doesn’t need to be away for work.

Edited

Er, congratulations?
Directive much?

ArtfulPinkBird · 09/04/2025 11:27

I've gone YANBU but only because he went away whilst you were hospitalised whilst heavily pregnant previously! If not for that I'd be saying let him go and sort out help with childcare whilst he's away if possible.

godmum56 · 09/04/2025 11:30

He goes away with friends every year and you never have, he says you could go away and you aren't sure he means it? I mean have you never tested that? Do you think you have enabled his behaviour at all?

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/04/2025 11:31

Jumpingthruhoops · 09/04/2025 11:17

In short yes, YABU sorry.
I'd say it's a very sad state of affairs if your DH can't have a weekend away with his pals. Yes, he's a dad but he's still his own man who should be able to plan social events without worrying if his wife will 'let him go'.
Honestly, controlling much!?

He's a dad in biological terms only, to his wife and kids he is a deadbeat.

crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 11:35

@godmum56 yes she enabled it when she had the gall to go into hospital when heavily pregnant when he had a trip planned (and oh look this peach of a dad still went on holiday) Yes of course it is all her own fault

autisticbookworm · 09/04/2025 11:36

When ds was 9m dh went on a 3day stag for bil. I could only do 1 night of sils due to breastfeeding. A year later we got married I had a two day uk hen as I didn’t want to leave ds longer. But in the last 7 years I have had 5/6 weekends away and dh has had 4/5 nights away so I’m currently higher. Just make sure you get regular breaks that work for you.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 09/04/2025 11:41

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:14

Thanks for all the replies. If I add up all the nights he's had over the last couple of years I'm probably owed a month off by now! I will hold him to having the kids and make some plans of my own. He's not had all 3 by himself for more than a couple of hours so maybe that will make him realise it's not as easy as he thinks it is!

A couple of hours!!

You need to plan a long weekend holiday with some friends BEFORE the stag do takes place.

And then take regular time for yourself.

OneFineDay22 · 09/04/2025 11:41

I think a 3-day stag is over the top and self-indulgent, but it seems I’m in a minority (at least on here).

I also would not have been happy about him going away while I was hospitalised during pregnancy.

As others have pointed out, you chose to have more children with someone who seemed to prioritise his own holidays over all else. But you wouldn’t be the first woman to expect a man to grow up a bit as the children come along/get older.

I wish I had some advice - despite the majority of people apparently thinking he’s within his rights, I wouldn’t be too happy either

Thisisittheapocalypse · 09/04/2025 11:43

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:24

I tend to meet friends during the day but normally have at least one child in tow as I'm too exhausted to do very much in the evenings.

There's definitely an assumption that I'm the childcare. He does help with the kids and house but I would say I do the lions share of both

Show quote history

You need to sit him down and stop the impression that he is 'helping you' when he looks after his own children or cleans his own home.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 09/04/2025 11:47

It's fine as long as it's not every few months. You need to be able to bothe take time out in a relationship. Let him go and then you book something too.

scotstars · 09/04/2025 11:47

You know he's going to go regardless so I'd focus my energy on getting your own weekend away booked in and start going out more otherwise your resentment will build

autisticbookworm · 09/04/2025 11:47

autisticbookworm · 09/04/2025 11:36

When ds was 9m dh went on a 3day stag for bil. I could only do 1 night of sils due to breastfeeding. A year later we got married I had a two day uk hen as I didn’t want to leave ds longer. But in the last 7 years I have had 5/6 weekends away and dh has had 4/5 nights away so I’m currently higher. Just make sure you get regular breaks that work for you.

It’s meant to say dh also had a 3 night stag.

Ophy83 · 09/04/2025 11:48

I agree with pp - get your weekend in before he goes on the stag do if possible. If not, certainly get it booked in and paid for so there can be no backtracking.

CandidGreenSquid · 09/04/2025 11:50

Let him go but definitely take the time back for yourself! Book something now in fact, so you have something to look forward to.

crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 11:55

Definitely change the narrative (for both of you) that he is helping with childcare etc. He is parenting (or should be)

WonderingWanda · 09/04/2025 11:55

I voted yabu purely because you absolutely must take him up on his offer to have the kids. I think (and have advised lots of women to do so) it's hugely important for Dad's to be left to it with the kids. And absolutely no meal prepping, doing the washing, leaving the house immaculate to make life easier for him. It's a huge eye opener for them just how much gets done behind the scenes and makes the relationship more equal.

CautiousLurker01 · 09/04/2025 11:56

I’d say to him that he can go, but he needs to book a two day/overnight spa retreat for you BEFORE he books the stag so that he puts his money where his mouth is re the ‘he’ll look after the kids for a weekend’.

OhWhistle · 09/04/2025 11:57

crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 11:55

Definitely change the narrative (for both of you) that he is helping with childcare etc. He is parenting (or should be)

Best advice.

wizzywig · 09/04/2025 12:00

Please start actually laying the groundwork to get your independence back. I am a parent, I'd be embarrassed to say that I have never been alone with my own three kids. Why has this been allowed to happen?!

happyhermione · 09/04/2025 12:03

All the woman calling post partum OP whose username is ‘forever exhausted’ a ‘controlling’ shrew who should let her bloke have a bit of fun on a lads weekend and just book her own (she might be exclusively breast feeding with such a young kid) despite the fact the guy has only done a few scant hours solo parenting of his 3 kids are depressing me beyond belief. And as for the ‘at least you’re not a solo parent’ and the smug ‘well I managed it wonderfully’ machismo… let’s just say it’s not reflecting well on our sex

OhWhistle · 09/04/2025 12:05

Wolves parent better than this spermthrower.

thehorsesareallidiots · 09/04/2025 12:09

When our DC were very small DH and I made an agreement that we would get fixed and equal times away for ourselves each year. And we've stuck to it. When mine were very small and I was breastfeeding I took it as multiple weekends, but I always took it. I would recommend a deal like this to every couple - isn't there research showing that weekends away contribute greatly to marital happiness, especially for women?

Sparklehead · 09/04/2025 12:09

I have 3 DC, with the same age gap as you and a husband who values being social and active. He also works abroad for about 2 months a year (spread out over the year, for 1-2 weeks at a time). Mine are now 11, 13 and 15, but this set up has been the case since they were born.
I think it’s important to look at what your priorities are. Is it important for you to have time away from the kids, go away for friends, attend regular hobbies etc? If so, then you absolutely should build this in to your life, and your DH should help facilitate this. Equally, his needs for a content and well-rounded life are important and should be met where possible.
I think when the children are very small, the feeling of dependency and responsibility can lie heavily on the mother and some of that can be self-inflicted. When mine were small, I mainly didn’t want to do overnight stays without them, but doing local socialising was important and so I made sure that happened. As they’ve got older, I’ve started doing more. I think it’s also really important that both parents can look after their kids solo, and that the parent who’s away isn’t worrying about what’s happening or if they’re coping.

empee47 · 09/04/2025 12:10

Unless one of the children is disabled, I’m always absolutely staggered by the amount of women who seem unable to look after their children alone and need constant help with them. OP, please relax about it, unless there’s something in the original post that you are not telling us.

Doolallies · 09/04/2025 12:10

I would let him go and ask family or friends to visit to make the weekend more enjoyable for you. I have a 1 and 4 yo and my husband is going away for 4+ days soon on a jolly. I have grandparents coming to help