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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is best man - stag do & young children

265 replies

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 09:25

Hi everyone,

Looking for some opinions on this situation as me & DH can't agree!

DH is the best man so is organising the stag do. We have 3 DC, 5, 3 and under 1. Originally it was going to be a day, possibly overnight but the groom wants to do a long weekend. DH thinks IABU to say a long weekend is too long with 3 young kids.

DH says if I wanted to go away I could and he would look after DC but I'm not sure he really means it. He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:19

Purpleturtle43 · 09/04/2025 10:17

I would say you need to start building up the time he has alone with the kids. As soon as I had a third any babysitting offers I had evaporated and have never returned so I sure a hell wasn't going to let my husband off with not being able to manage them all!

Yes I've noticed there aren't many offers to babysit anymore with 3 kids!

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 10:19

@Foreverexhausted1 how often do you go out when you just want to? Does he check with you before he just goes out that you don’t have anything planned or does he just assume you do the childcare?

When you weren’t on maternity leave how is the split of parenting/household chores?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2025 10:19

Are you worried about the time or the cost?

Who looked after the DC when you were in hospital and he was away?

Original poster
Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:21

heroinechic · 09/04/2025 10:18

I voted YABU as I think it’s a special occasion, especially as he is best man.

That said, if I told my DH I wasn’t happy with him going he wouldn’t go or he would offer a compromise, and if I was heavily pregnant like you were last year (I’m not sure what constitutes as heavily pregnant!) he wouldn’t even consider it. Does he often just do things he wants to do with no consideration of your view on it?

I was 32 weeks with complications and we'd already been warned we would likely have a premature baby. DS3 was born at 35 weeks.

He tends to make plans and tell me afterwards. He starts a 'is it ok if I go' conversation where we both know he's going already

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 10:22

Time for you to get out and leave him to the DC and house? Have you got any hobbies, like to go to the gym, just meet up with friends?

crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 10:22

What are his good points?

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 10:23

When you say 'I'm not sure if he really means it' when he offers to look after the kids if you wanted to go away without him, I think what you're actually saying is 'I don't want to go away without him, because then I'd have no excuse to ask him not to go away without me.'

You're telling yourself he doesn't mean it when you haven't actually bothered to test the theory.

Ultimately, either of you should be capable of looking after your own kids alone for a few days. Single parents manage this every day of their lives. If you don't want to take up his offer to parent the kids alone while you go somewhere, that's up to you, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be allowed to go anywhere just because you don't want to do the same in return.

Original poster
Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:24

crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 10:19

@Foreverexhausted1 how often do you go out when you just want to? Does he check with you before he just goes out that you don’t have anything planned or does he just assume you do the childcare?

When you weren’t on maternity leave how is the split of parenting/household chores?

I tend to meet friends during the day but normally have at least one child in tow as I'm too exhausted to do very much in the evenings.

There's definitely an assumption that I'm the childcare. He does help with the kids and house but I would say I do the lions share of both

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/04/2025 10:24

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:21

I was 32 weeks with complications and we'd already been warned we would likely have a premature baby. DS3 was born at 35 weeks.

He tends to make plans and tell me afterwards. He starts a 'is it ok if I go' conversation where we both know he's going already

Show quote history

Then you need to do the same thing.

Can you go away this weekend?

crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 10:24

@ItGhoul he hasn’t looked after the kids on his own for more than a couple of hours. He has no clue what it would be like to look after them for a weekend

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/04/2025 10:24

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:24

I tend to meet friends during the day but normally have at least one child in tow as I'm too exhausted to do very much in the evenings.

There's definitely an assumption that I'm the childcare. He does help with the kids and house but I would say I do the lions share of both

Show quote history

Oh, no no no. You need to meet your friends without your kids in tow. Like he does.

Original poster
Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/04/2025 10:19

Are you worried about the time or the cost?

Who looked after the DC when you were in hospital and he was away?

His mum did two days, my dad did the other

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 10:25

When does he go out with a kid in tow?

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/04/2025 10:25

Foreverexhausted1 · 09/04/2025 10:14

Thanks for all the replies. If I add up all the nights he's had over the last couple of years I'm probably owed a month off by now! I will hold him to having the kids and make some plans of my own. He's not had all 3 by himself for more than a couple of hours so maybe that will make him realise it's not as easy as he thinks it is!

Stag parties aside, he needs to parent his kids 100% more, only having them for a few hours is beyond pathetic.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 09/04/2025 10:26

I think with this particular thing YABU because he’s the best man

however, it seems as if you have much bigger issues and this is part of a pattern of behaviour. It seems You are default parent and it all falls to you. Him saying that you could go away fir a weekend if you wanted doesn’t seem to be backed up by actual action - or would you feel uncomfortable about leaving them with him because you don’t think he’d cope?

lazycats · 09/04/2025 10:26
  1. He’s best man so hard to say no
  2. Call his bluff and arrange future weekend getaways while he does childcare
crumblingschools · 09/04/2025 10:28

Does he know who your oldest child’s best friend is, who their teacher is?

happyhermione · 09/04/2025 10:29

Interesting responses! If you were pregnant last year then your youngest is still tiny. And you might be on maternity leave meaning you’ll have 7 days of childcare alone. This is incredibly hard when kids are tiny for those who haven’t done this for a while. I don’t know if you have willing support but many of my friends don’t and so a weekend would be a huge slog.

It’s easy to say ‘let the man go’ if you haven’t solo parented tiny kids for some time or if you have nursery care to help. And even if you don’t use a nursery, it might still be a lot for one person alone.

I also think a multi day stag is pretty excessive if you’re at a life stage where most have kids and reaponsiblities but I might well be unreasonable there as I’m pretty anti modern wedding culture, which I find pretty self focused and OTT.

happyhermione · 09/04/2025 10:34

ps as someone with a few young kids myself I feel really upset for you. I’m forever knackered and my other half does absolutely loads. You’re doing far too much and your user name makes me want to give you a hug.

Disappointed to see so many women here saying the man deserves some fun and to get over it. Your mental health is more important.

Is your baby sleeping through the night?

SpringIsSpringing25 · 09/04/2025 10:36

Well, if you do the lions share all the time, what difference will it really make??

Given he didn't have the older two on his own very often, what made you decide having a third was a good idea??

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 09/04/2025 10:40

Honestly what do you think is solo parents do? Day in day out? I know it’s not the same and I shouldn’t compare but come on what if your husband was in hospital this is basically saying you wouldn’t be able to cope.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 09/04/2025 10:40

I can't believe he went away when you were in hospital, though leaving other people to look after the older 2 and you on your own in hospital.

That's the stage where I would've contemplated being a single parent!! I still would be, I think it's easier to be a single parent and have full control, than be living with the other parent who isn't pulling their weight.

happyhermione · 09/04/2025 10:43

@Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink stop being so macho. Read the OPs username - she’s on her knees.

Perhaps being a solo parent is even more shit but that’s not going to better her situation right now.

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2025 10:45

Ablondiebutagoody · 09/04/2025 09:46

A long weekend is pretty standard for a stag do. Being best man is a big honour for a guy so I can't believe how awkward and controlling you are being about it. If I was him, I would go no matter how difficult you try to make it.

Edited

Yep

So controlling he went away while she was hospitalised WITH HIS CHILD

Who did he leave the other ones with?

Gerwurtztraminer · 09/04/2025 10:51

There's definitely an assumption that I'm the childcare. He does help with the kids and house but I would say I do the lions share of both

Well that dynamic is the root of the problem and after 3 kids and however many years it's going to take a lot of effort to change it. You don't have an equal partnership where he respects what you do. Not uncommon after long maternity leaves and if you don't work or work PT/earn a lot less. Your last real chance to change it was when you were hospitalised. I would have gone bloody bonkers if my partner did that.

You need to consider couples counselling to get all the issues out of the table in a safe structured environment where he can't throw defensive strops or blame you. It would be a deal breaker for me as I won't accept anything less than a proper equal partnership in a marriage./LTR.

In the meantime take him up on a long weekend of your own with him having all three. Don't crack and agree to take the youngest or only do a day. Go away for the same length of time as he's suggesting for the stag and take your break before the stag do so he really understands what you are dealing with when he buggers off.