DH is best man - stag do & young children

[Foreverexhausted1]

Hi everyone,

Looking for some opinions on this situation as me & DH can't agree!

DH is the best man so is organising the stag do. We have 3 DC, 5, 3 and under 1. Originally it was going to be a day, possibly overnight but the groom wants to do a long weekend. DH thinks IABU to say a long weekend is too long with 3 young kids.

DH says if I wanted to go away I could and he would look after DC but I'm not sure he really means it. He's gone away with friends every year since DC were born including when I was heavily pregnant last year and was hospitalised. I asked him then not to go but he did anyway so I know regardless of how I feel about this stag do, he will go.

AIBU?

"Lots of women complain". Right.
Are the partners stepping up properly?

I’m sure this will be unpopular but …. Your husband had never had your two children for more than a couple of hours alone, and you decided that it was a good idea to have a third?!

He showed you who he was as a parent, so it’s not like you didn’t know this before you took on a third child and ended up where you are now.

I don’t think choosing to have another baby without ironing out the pre existing issues with his (lack of) parenting skills gives you much ground to then argue you can’t cope with them for a long weekend. You clearly do the lion’s share anyway…

I would make it work and just engage the support of a family member.

I don’t really see a problem.

DH has weekends away with his friends, and I do with mine. We cover childcare when the other is away. It’s a few times a year, and quid pro quo - he gets his time away, and I get mine.

Clearly, there’s a line. I’m not sure a long weekend for a stag doo is over it.

Why should someone in a partnership have to model themselves on a single parent?

Single parents deserve to have high expectations and the rest of us could organise so they are better supported by society and the state.

A man doesn't get to behave like he's single while also having the benefits and status of family life, just because single parents exist.

@Burngreave the difference is that you get chance to go away too, and I assume your DH does some parenting in between trips too.

Yes YABU.

Just because you have children doesn’t mean your social life or personal hobbies should stop. Yes it isn’t as easy and he shouldn’t be jetting off once a month on holiday but he’s completely justified in wanting to do this.

The issue seems to be that you haven’t actually done anything yourself. You say your DH hasn’t had your children on his own for more than a few hours at a time. Why?

It looks like the same old story of mums who never leave their kids, do everything, take control and then years later moan because the kids only want them, that they never get to do anything alone and that their partners are useless parents.

If you had started as you meant to go on when your children were born and young and enforced equal parenting you wouldn’t be in the position you’re in.

@DaisyChain505 could it be possibly that the DH is a bit shit and goes out whenever without thinking who is doing childcare, goes away when his partner is in hospital. Not sure this is a case of a martyr mum or a controlling wife.

I am always extremely amenable to Dh cycling trips so he can say nothing about my own trips away!

YABU, I think you should both get to go away for the odd weekend while the other looks after the DC. DH and I have both been away multiple times with our friends, and the other one stays home with our DD's.

He has said he would be happy for you to do the same, so just arrange something with a friend.

It’s a special occasion and assuming it’s still far off you have time to plan for it. I think the issue is you don’t take time for yourself so you resent him doing so. Dh and I have gone away with friends and left dc since dc was around 10 months (no more than 3-4 nights).

"Take control". Nice bit of gaslighting. You blame women for their partners' weaponised incompetence.

That of course could be the case or it could just be that he’s still wanting to maintain some of his individuality and social life just as mum could be doing.

Why isn’t mum still being her own individual self and planning her own activities as well?

If she had done that from day dot her DH would see having all of his children on his own as a normal occurrence and @Foreverexhausted1 wouldn’t be making this thread and moaning because she’d have recently been away alone or have something fun in the future booked and wouldn’t be annoyed that her husband had a trip booked.

The reason her DH has rarely had his children solo is because OP never leaves.

The only one stopping her is herself.

You're saying a woman who has newly given birth should 'enforce equal parenting'?
How about the partner who has not given birth gladly and proudly enjoying parenting and gratefully supporting the mother who's changed her body forever and risked death (pregnancy still carries significant death risks).

In short yes, YABU sorry.
I'd say it's a very sad state of affairs if your DH can't have a weekend away with his pals. Yes, he's a dad but he's still his own man who should be able to plan social events without worrying if his wife will 'let him go'.
Honestly, controlling much!?

Even wolves parent better. The MRA who have invaded this thread could learn from wolves.

call his bluff, every year. You don't have to go with friends, but go, long weekend, once a year with no kids.

And don't get everything ready for him, don't prepare stuff, make lists or send reminders. Just go.

Yes it’s hard work for you, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to have a long weekend, especially being the best man.

You need to book some things in with your pals.

I had a 5, 3 and under 1 at one point so I understand. However I think being best man is an absolute honour and once in a lifetime (hopefully) so I'd suck it up.

I think in reality you could make it work if this relationship was a loving and equal one.

But any man who leaves his pregnant partner in hospital whilst they go off on the jolly has lost my respect.

Quite frankly I’d be telling him - do what you like, you usually do. And I’d be changing those locks whilst he was gone.

sigh. no.

But even if it is, there is nothing stopping OP going away on her own, or with her mum or whatever.

I am so sorry he ignored you when you were heavily pregnant and hospitalised, OP.

And mildly alarmed that people on this thread see equal parenting as a burden that the mother has to ensure is shared.

Why are men having unprotected sex if they don't enjoy building a home life?

Dh was best man for several friends when our dc were babies or young toddlers. Organising the stag dos and going to the childfree weddings (including one abroad!). He also had several stag dos for his 500 cousins during those years. All 3-4 days and lots of them abroad.

As long as he can afford it and isn’t dipping into household finances so that you can’t pay the mortgage, it’s a perfectly normal thing to be doing at that life stage. You can’t dictate that his friend doesn’t have a weekend long stag do because you can’t cope with your own children.

It’s one weekend and it’s just something you do for a good friend. If he’s going on golfing weekends away every month, yes, I’d agree those need to stop for a bit. But a one off is fine. If there are bigger problems in your relationship though, then that is a separate issue.

And book yourself in for a similar weekend away. Of course, he can manage to look after his own children. I went to Australia for 2 weeks when my eldest was 16 months. And off to Italy when youngest was just over a year. I go on at least one holiday every year and leave Dh with the kids. Last year I walked the Camino de Santiago for 9 days. It was great. I’ve never asked permission, I simply coordinate dates before I book to make sure dh doesn’t need to be away for work.

He shouldnt have gone away when you were in hospital but I don’t think a weekend stag do is too much to ask for at this stage with warning and preparation.

I had 4 days in Barcelona when our twins were 3. DH coped, it wasn’t how I would have spent the weekend with them but they all survived.

Does everyone good to mix up the routine a bit.

Yeah I agree you need to make plans for a long weekend away with your own friends.