To not invite them to the wedding?

[Timetogoo]

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

Unless they are substantially contributing financially to your wedding, they should have no say in who you invite to your wedding. Stick to who you want there, and if anyone shares their judgement on it, tell them they can pay for those people.

50 people is not a big wedding.

I don't agree with you. Of course they can invite one cousin's partner and not the other. It depends on the relationship.
Also it's your wedding OP. Don't try to please everyone because you'll end up pleasing no one. It's time to put yourselves first & cut out the noise.

That's not helpful.

Personally I would say everyone gets a +1 (or family invite) or no one gets a +1.

Your MiL should pay for the extra guests then

You just need to have a conversation with them and explain and maybe arrange a meal to get to know the plus ones you aren’t inviting when you are back from honeymoon

But … please do it with grace. Talk to the people you are leaving out (or their partners whom you know) and make sure they know you value them and want to have a relationship after the wedding madness

I'm currently planning my wedding too. Me and my partner have put a rule in regarding the guest list, if we haven't spoken to them within the last 6 months then they aren't invited. Otherwise we'd be WAAAAY overbudget. And we've stuck to it.

It's your wedding, invite whoever you want. Ignore the MIL.

I’d you don’t invite partners you also run the risk that people will attend but leave early

I suppose everyone's idea of a wedding is different. To me it is the bringing together of two families and perfectly normal to invite people you haven't seen for years because it is an opportunity to reconnect with them.
For others it is a lavish party for friends and only those family members you know well. I think it's difficult to combine the two on a limited budget which is what you seem to be trying to do.
I do think though in either case inviting two sisters but only inviting one of their long term partners doesn't look good and could lead to a fall out.

It sounds like 50 was an inaccurate estimate.
most logical is you split it into 25 from your side and 25 from his side. Sounds like your husband to be hadn’t understood the max 25 memo. If he has 6 siblings he can’t invite cousins. His side= 2 parents (presumably), 6 siblings +1 (=12), maybe a few nieces/nephews?, and his best friends. That leaves no space for cousins. Simple as that.

regarding specifics:
Your aunt: how many aunts and uncles do you have? If it are 10 I don’t think there’s anything wrong with only asking your one lovely aunt, it sounds like she’s a second mum /godmother type. Surely others see that too? If you only have 3 or 4 I think you’d have to invite the other 2 or 3 aswell.
The 2 cousins: both have long term partners (I presume living together?). It’s mean to invite one and not the other partner, as they’re both long term partners. So it’s 4 or zero. If he has 4 spots left in his 25, they can be invited, otherwise not.
Other cousins: some story as the aunt above. If there are 10 cousins, I think it’s ok to just invite the 2 if they are your best friends, but if there are only 4 cousins, invite the other 2 aswell. But inviting more than 2 cousins (or 3) and leaving some out is not very nice.
regarding the cousin’s girlfriend: nothing weird with only inviting married partners (obviously includes those living together).

look at each group like you would look at a friendship group. Sometimes the group is that large that it’s ok to just meet up with one or two. Sometimes the group is smaller and then you’re obviously leaving people out by only meeting up with one or two.

This is where you need to stop. You and DF are in agreement.

You sound like a caring and considerate person - so much so that you are upset by MIL opinion and now taking on the opinions of randoms on the internet who are irrelevent and some just enjoy goading as a sport on here.

Huge congratulations - go with your original plans - ensure you invite your aunt if you want to. You have said this a few times and she seems special to you.

Ensure that you are surrounded by the friends and family that you love, who have supported you both, who are in your life now and who will be in your life in the months and years after.

Your MIL seems like a piece of work. RED FLAG. Have there been issues with her in the past? KNOW that she is being wholely inappropriate and controlling here. Step back from her and dont indulge her nonsense now or in the future.

If you are unable to resolve it with your DF - then split the list 50/50 - then he can choose who he wants and YOU are not compromised because he has a large family.

Someone is always going to have their nose out of joint and from my experience the one who pipes up is always the one on the periphery - irrelevent to your life.

My DPs are one of 12 and 10 - so I had 22 aunts and uncles to start. I also have 57 first cousins (all with partners) .... I invited the first cousins who are my close friends and their partners over other cousins who dont socialise with. This meant siblings of these cousins were not invited - they are also big familys (8s,6s,5s) - so if I had added all my first cousins and all their partners that would be another 100+ guests. Not possible!

When my cousin got married she had those she wanted at the church and for the wedding breakfast, which included some cousins but not all, and the rest went to her evening do. I think her reasoning is she only wanted those they actually spent time with the be there.

If your MIL is so intent on everyone coming is she offering to pay?

Work out your budget, divide into per person numbers. Start with immediate family and best friends and work down. Cull and be ruthless, invite some to evening only. Consider only inviting adults where needed.

honestly I think the bride worries more than the guests.

some will be funny whatever the outcome, just don’t go into married life with huge debt.

enjoy your day - most important !

We were quite brutal with our guest list, if we BOTH hadn’t met them, they were not coming.

My husband has 3 cousins, 1 who was married with a a child, and 2 who had partners of less than a year which neither of us had met. So they were not invited to the day but more than welcome to come in the evening.

His aunt messaged me to say was there a mistake, I just said no mistake. So the 2 cousins without plus 1s didn’t come to any of it.

There was no big drama.

I didn’t want to look back at my wedding pics and not know who these random people were at the expense of good friends that I would have preferred to be there.

Luckily both sets of parents were fine with it.

Maybe you and your boyfriend should each have 25 people to invite.

I'm shocked that your aunt won't get an invite, in favour of your boyfriend's cousin's boyfriend. I'd definitely put my foot down on that.

Similar problems here.

We've invited friends together without partners to the day, they'll be seated together. Partners are coming to the evening.
We've invited one auntie and uncle together, another auntie without her partner as we've never met him (she's declined), and haven't invited the other aunties.
We've invited a sibling, his wife and adult child, we haven't invited adult child's partner who we've never met. Adult child has declined. They are both welcome to the evening.
We've invited siblings and spouses/ partners, but not the children unless there's no childcare- the registry office holds 45 people and we could either invite spouses or children. Kids can come to the night if they want.

If this is the venue you want, then have it how you want it. Don't even invite the 20 year old cousin to the day, invite them both to the evening. And don't invite the cousins who you haven't seen for years either. It's your wedding, spend it celebrating with people you love.

Tell your FMiL " Our budget is 60 people, that means XYZ unfortunately cant come, I appreciate your reasons and if you would like to cover the cost of adding them then we would love them to join us"

Earlier you said your partner thinks the same as you. From this update it sounds very much as though he doesn’t. It seems as though you want everyone to agree with you and blame this on your mil. If you can’t agree on wedding guests the future could be rocky.

100%

So you have 25 spaces each then
Work out who are joint invitees and then split the rest equally for family. If you have spares then he can have a couple of yours for his family
MIL can mind her own business

Urgh, I really loved my wedding day, but almost 20 years on I still get a little stressed thinking about the planning and especially the wedding guest list.

Ours was out of hand at one point. My mother in law had a list of 220 people she insisted we "needed" to invite. Overall, we'd have had in excess of 300 people at the full wedding, which, apart from everything else, severely limits the options of where to have it, around here at least.

The unbalanced family numbers was an issue too as it meant one side would have 3 or 4 times as many people, depending on whether we were looking at immediate family, including aunts and uncles, including cousins etc.

We went off and booked a small family wedding abroad, fully intending to pay for parents and siblings, but DH's parents refused to go and DH was gutted not to have them along.

In the end, we did parents, siblings and partners, and a few close friends each. It came to 48 people for the the whole day. Then invited everyone else to the evening do. Sure, some of the aunties were possibly a bit put out initially, but everyone got treated the same. It was the only way to do it without bankrupting ourselves.

invite your initial list and tell mum and mil if they want others added they pay for them to be added

A lot of people are giving this advice - presumably on the assumption that if MIL to be thinks she’ll have to put her hand in her pocket, she’ll pull her head in. But what if she doesn’t? What if she says “Okay - you can have five grand towards the wedding, as long as my whole extended family and partners get full day invitations?” No WAY will that be the end of it. If she “buys” places on the guest list, she’ll think her contribution buys her a say in everything else too - the venue, the food, the entertainment…

And what about OP’s mother, who has also said she expects Uncle Tom Cobbley and all to be incited? How is she going to react if all MIL’s family are invited, but not hers? If she can’t or won’t contribute, will she accept that MIL’s family are getting the lion’s share of the places because she coughed up? Or will OP be under pressure to ditch friends to accommodate relatives?

OP - I would stick to a rule of no partners across the board. There will be people who won’t be happy, but it’s harder to argue when it applies to everyone. Talk to the cousin whose partner you know well; say “We’d love to have invited Steve, but we had to do a blanket no partners rule or we’d have needed an extra 30 spaces. We’d love to meet up with you both for a proper catch-up after the wedding”. Anyone who really cared about you would understand.

I would stick rigidly to the 50 limit or less. Or go with what you had worked out to add 10 extra guests.

Do NOT ask your mum or MIL for any mire opinions and be prepared to be in the wrong whatever you do. Weddings are an exercise in you can't please everyone so you may as well please yourself. Some people are going to be pissed off, whatever you do.

Really you should get 25 and Dh get 25 and you can negotiate over shared friends to do what's fair.

Unless you are loaded or have financial help you can't have all cousins and you can't invite every plus one especially not cousins plus oone. People might not be happy but most will understand.

If you have a cheap wedding venue doing the food yourself will be a nightmare and a totally different day. Using a cheap caterer might be OK. Costco platters etc but still needs someone to coordinate. I'm going to bet it will be you and DH, nit your parents.

I went to a 40th recently where the woman's aunty sorted the catering. Then the birthday girl could enjoy her party. Don't go for cheapness and more guests at the expense of your own enjoyment.