To not invite them to the wedding?

[Timetogoo]

Please help, I’m having trouble with our wedding guest list. We both have big families and there’s a lot of people that we are very close to that we want there. The problem is, everyone has a plus one and it’s extremely expensive because it ends up being a LOT of people. I was speaking to my fiancés mum last night and she was saying I either need to invite peoples partners or not have them at all. I would agree with this all or nothing approach, however there are some peoples partners/spouses that we have relationships with, and others that I’ve probably only seen once in my life. We were specifically talking about two cousins who are sisters.
cousin 1 has been with her partner for 5 years, they have a house and a child together and we have been out with both of them numerous times and have a friendship with him.
cousin 2 has been with her partner for a few years, and I’ve seen him once or twice but never really spoken to him. My fiancés mum is saying I can’t invite one persons pertner and not the other. But I think surely it depends on our relationships with them?

she then goes on to say “x now has a girlfriend as well so you’d have to invite her” and I was getting so overwhelmed because I have only met X once and never ever met his new girlfriend and I don’t want to be introducing myself to people on my wedding day. I have to pay for people to be there and I’m not keen on paying for people that I don’t even know! But soon to be MIL is telling me it isn’t fair to have some and not others. It would also mean knocking some people off my own side of the family (actual family members) to make room for people partners that I’ve never met! We have a package which is 50 people. We can add more but it will cost extra per head and would honestly be so much money if we included everyone’s partners.

Please help.

Cousin 2 partner yes, new girlfriend no.

Lately I've become extremely cynical about people including family that you don't interact with for multiple years and what the point of such a relationship even is. I don't blame you for not wanting to prioritise them however this seems to be a minority view and one your MIL doesn't share.

Agree with PP, I think with big families a 60 person wedding is a bit worst of both worlds. It's too small to accommodate the typical range of extended family people might expect while being too big to be a small wedding. People are more understanding about not making the cut for small weddings.

I think it depends on how attached you are to the venue and how much family fall out you feel able to manage. You'll never please everyone with weddings.

This, talk to your husband to be invite who you like/want finalise your guest list and send the invites. It really is up to you if you add +1s or not.

I think its a shame for your partner that he grew up close to his cousins but they won't be at his wedding. It would feel a bit weird for me. And not to have your close family memebers as a whole group, like going to dinner at your granny's but some of your family aren't allowed to come in, it wouldn't feel 'right'.

But that's just how I see weddings, and tbh I'm no Oracle because after 18 years I'm still not married to my partner for these very concerns you have!

I wouldn't enjoy a biggish wedding where I'd left people out, I cant afford an actually big wedding where I would include everyone, and I don't want to go small small because everyone would have to travel to us and I'd hate for it to be big hassle for them to come to a boring low key event.

I have no idea where Germany came from!
Let her and your DP decide it should have read

I have 9 cousins. I invited 4 of the 6 that I am close to. The only male cousin I invited had a GF, the others I phoned their mum beforehand and said that they could come if they really wanted to, but I didn't want them to feel obliged. They decided not to come. The other three I didn't see much (one hadn't invited me to her wedding, though her brother has subsequently invited me to both of his). It hasn't caused a big fallout.

I took a similar stance to you- if we had met the partners we invited them, if we hadn’t then we didn’t. I few comments were made but I just said I didn’t want people I had never met at my wedding. This was for family and friends.

It's so stressful isn't it and feels like you have to try and please everyone. I've got a massive family that I'm close to, and DH has got a small family but loads of friends. We ended up hiring a barn venue, having a big bbq with a buffet, loads of cheese and stuff like that, a dj, and just invited everyone. We had 135 people come in total, and it ended up being way cheaper than having a more formal venue for half the amount of people

I do agree with some pp's that you don't want to upset friends and family and you do want to try and make it a nice enjoyable day for them, but you've also got to do whatever is right for you both and what you both want which is what really matters

I agree you either have all partners or none. Division, where some can come and some aren’t invited, creates real upset and anger that hangs about for years - ask me how I know! One of the reasons I eloped in the end having seen the fallout! Then we had a mental big party when we got back from honeymoon. No one could complain as no one was invited to the wedding, and literally everyone was invited to the party. It is of course entirely up to you, and defo not your MIL-to be - just saying you will need to own your decisions on this for years to come.

It's not fair for your fi to invite so many more people than you, and it sounds like your aunt is the only extra person you actually want!

I don't think all partners need to be invited. We invited married or cohabiting couples. Other couples only got invited as a couple if we were actually friends with both.

Options as I see it are:

1. elope / have a tiny wedding with just parents and siblings or similar
2. split numbers completely equally, 25 each side.
3. split numbers by saying that parents, siblings and their partners are automatically invited but any remaining spaces are split 50/50 between you. So you can invite your aunt and some friends if you want and he can invite cousins for example.
4. agree with your fi who to invite and if Mil wants extra girlfriends etc she pays for them.
5. choose a cheaper venue which can accommodate everyone. Tbh this is my preference and what we did. Our venue wasn't pretty, but everyone we loved was there.

How much is MIL contributing to the wedding costs? Just say I'm willing to invite .... if you pay the additional cost.

The fairest way is for you and your DP to each pick your top 25. If he'd rather have a friend or a cousin's partner than an aunt that's up to him. You can still have your aunt.
Mil hasn't got a say in it and even if she did she can take it up with her son.

Absolutely spot on! If you want a say, get your purse out! Give MIL the cost of the guests she wants to add to the list and see if she is willing to foot the bill.

But ultimately it’s your wedding and you call the shots.

Absolutely wouldn’t listen to MIL in your situation. It’s your wedding, your decision who to invite. If cousin 2 is bothered about partner not being invited she can just not go IMO. We invited who we were closer to which in some cases meant we invited my mums cousin & their husband/wife and one of their kids from a sibling group who I’d have been close to as a child because I wouldn’t have spoken to the siblings. Literally nobody cared, at the end of the day if you wouldn’t feel sad about them not being there don’t invite them. And to answer your comment further down yes I would knock off the people your mum said you should invite to make room for closer people. It’s not a huge 300 person wedding, people will understand.

Enjoy the build up once this stress is out of the way and have a fabulous day! Congratulations x

It isn’t rubbish. After the ‘all about me’ moment has worn off (not saying OP is at all like this), not many people want to have thrown a shit wedding that alienates people.

I'd be upfront with everyone, the majority will understand the situation.

The expense for one day has a lasting impact, plus the stress trying to please as many as you can.

In your situation I'd probably choose to marry privately and have a big party.

People who are alienated by you not having a magic money tree are no great loss.

Bloody hell OP this sounds horrendously stressful. Now with the clarification of the cousins, you're spot on! Married/de facto cousin yes to partner, boyfriend/girlfriend no.

I think you should stop compromising and go back to your original list and don't discuss it or pander to anyone. Don't compromise on YOUR wedding.

Remember, the people you invite are people who are meant to love you both and will understand the compromise. If they don't then they don't deserve to be there.

Good luck OP, hope it goes well!

Yeah.

Her fiancé can go to his mother with his list of family members and say, "I have the budget to invite 16 people from this list. Here are my top 16. If you want anyone from number 17-30 to be included and are willing to pay £80 per head for them, let me know which ones."

Usually people who want to keep weddings small don’t have a best man and 4 groomsmen, with all their partners ( if they have partners) this amounts to 10 people which is a huge chunk out of 50 guests that you want to limit it to, are you also having a maid of honour and 4 bridesmaid?
My sister, who wanted to keep her wedding small had one maid of honour and one best man

from personal experience myself and a few cousins all have long term partners that we live with, and another cousin is getting married next summer. she hasn't invited our partners and its making people not want to go, including people who aren't affected. I think if you can't invite people explain that it's a money issue -- in our case it wasn't.

You don’t have to invite anyone unless you want to.
I’d keep the wedding to people you actually know, and by that I mean spend time with and see regularly, either as a couple or singularly. Appreciate there may be the odd Aunt or Uncle that doesn’t fall into that category that you may feel you should invite.

You could always ask your MIL to write her guest list and ask her to pay for those people - but that would only solve the cost issue, and you’d still have people there you didn’t know.

I think I’d ask your groom to speak to his Mum and tell her it’s your guest list, that you don’t intend to not invite your close relatives or friends, but people you barely know or see probably won’t make the list due to cost, and the fact you want this to be a guest list that means something to you both. Suggest that MIL could always host a post wedding party for extended friends and family.

Good Luck Op!

DH and I both have big families. For the meal we invited our parents, siblings (and partners) grandparents. Aunts and uncles. Plus close friends and bridesmaids/best man who all had partners/plus1.
Then in the evening we had all our cousins and partners, other friends/colleagues etc.

The notion that people should only come if they can bring plus 1s is silly. Why impose that? Maybe if they’d know absolutely no-one else there but it doesn’t sound like that’s the cases

If you’re going to have a big wedding like this, then I think it’s awful to exclude partners, I suppose with the possible exception of a very new boyfriend/girlfriend, but even then I think it’s mean. I think you run the risk of people not coming to your wedding if they can’t bring their partners. If the cost is an issue, I would much rather make cutbacks in other areas so that I could include partners of your guests.