Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

How do you get a low sex drive? I was googling this as mine is higher than my husbands and it is so frustrating. I wished I had no sex drive to be honest but it's not. He clearly has sexual needs, maybe an open relationship. If I don't get once a week, I get cranky 😅 I am hoping my sex drive declines as I can't stand it anymore.

She doesn't appear to want any beverages, but expects to be able to stay in the coffee shop without making any purchases...(and doesn't appear to be being honest about never wanting to have anything in the coffee shop ever again).

It doesn't always dwindle in men, plenty of quite elderly men are still up for it. It varies. With some it is less often but loving. It was like that for me and my husband, he was lovely but he thought about things other than sex, had a busy job and was very into a hobby. He was a considerate man and loved me for more than sex, he understood there were times when I just didn't want to and it was OK.

I could not bear to live with someone who pestered for, and sulked without, sex.

All you can do is be totally honest, tell him you just can't face it and want separate rooms. He may decide you need separate lives, would you be prepared to separate and ultimately divorce?

I was just trying to find where the line was between a possibly relationship ending question or ultimatum was vs coercion in people’s mind because the two would surely overlap depending on if the person being asked something they didn’t want / wasn’t keen on didn’t want the relationship to end that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

One persons this is my deal breaker is another coercive.

It’s not normal for you, but it’s normal for many people. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with someone. That’s such an outdated view.

But if you'd originally loved having coffee with them, and knew you'd be excited to have coffee with someone new...

Then it's time to find yourself a new Barista and your partner to get one too.

Exactly this. Hopefully the poster would be horrified if their daughter was in this situation (or if they found out their son wanted to use their wife as a wank puppet) and tell them to end the marriage.

So awfully objectifying.

well begging, sulking and demanding isn't attractive is it. he needs to maybe think about how to make himself more attractive and how to make others more enjoyable for you of he wants sex. If he won't go to a sex therapist then there isn't much hope.

This pp nailed it 👆🏻

‘Enough sex’ needs to mean the same to you both, if your drives are unmatched it’s never going to enough for one of you. I also wouldn’t rely on the hope that he’ll eventually not want it. Accept you’re simply not compatible anymore

Just split up.

I agree with a PP about the way you suggest being open being crucial.

It sounds like it’s a cards on the table moment and say “look, I love you as a person and our family and our life together but I have no desire for a sex life anymore. I would love to stay married if you can get those physical needs met elsewhere but I won’t be doing anything I don’t want to do again.”

I’m in a very similar situation OP. I have no advice.
It is very hard to leave a marriage when there are kids involved and everyone’s life would be more complicated and probably worse for me and the kids if I went down that route.
So I do what I have to do, less often and less enthusiastically than he would like. And the horrible atmosphere he creates in the hours (or days) before is absolute mental torture and I cry inside my head.
He’s on edge and I’m on edge and putting it off for as long as I can before I can’t put it off any longer because of the tension in the air.

But the rest of the time he is great and we have a good life and are generally very happy.
Sorry OP.

OP why did you marry him in the first place?
Was it an arranged marriage?
In my experience sex has its ups and downs, sometimes you have more, sometimes less, but usually because of all the other things going on in life.
In a comfortable relationship this would never, ever be an issue or problem.

I could have written the original post. I feel exactly the same was and it is such a shit situation to be in. My partner isn’t abusive, and perhaps the OP’s isn’t either. But when two peoples sex drives don’t match up anymore then noone is in the right and no one is in the wrong. You’re both just incompatible.

so then what to do? Call it a day and go through with a divorce. Or stick it out for the kids, the security and the fact you’ve built a life together. Plenty of people stayed in fairly loveless marriages a few generations ago when divorce wasn’t a thing. Maybe it’s normal for many peoples relationships to cool off after 20 years, but to still be valid for many other reasons. If you wanted to go down this route though then he would have to accept the lack of sex, or consider an open marriage.

I have no suggestion what you do. My issue I think is that my partner is completely non affectionate outside of the bedroom. No hand holding, kissing, hugging. I’ve stopped doing any of this to him either over the years as I feel like it makes him uncomfortable. But then he comes at me wanting sex. So it’s really hard to go from being held at arms length to suddenly having to be passionate with someone. It makes me feel sick tbh. I expect what I should do is talk to him about it, flag it as a problem, be honest with him, go to couples therapy, make more time for date nights, etc etc. But I hate the confrontation of something I know has been going on in our relationship for years. I don’t think anything will change as I know he doesn’t like physical contact outside of sex, and that is what I need. So it’s easier to just suck it up once a week and try to get into the mood. The payoff for that is a stable household while the kids grow up, no money issues, and I keep a friend I have had for 15 years who I’ve been through a lot with. I agree with you that, when you look at the options, is the grass actually greener?

Ladies - if the thought of having sex with your husband makes you feel sick, for goodness sakes split up. It’s not normal! I was a bit like this with my first DH. Only because he kept cheating on me. With current DH (been together 17 years) I could happily shag him daily.

How long have you been married?

The OP has clearly said that she goes off sex in all long term relationships after a certain number of years so it’s not necessarily something that can be fixed.

I get it, day to day life is very unsexy. You’ve seen them ill, grumpy, on the loo, done shopping lists and been to funerals with them, the allure and mystery is gone and they become a bit like a family member. The same has happened to me.

Maybe it is the type of men she goes for.

I honestly think it is your husbands attitude that has killed your sex drive.

Well looks like you'll be off then cause everyone here's been 100% open about how they feel about him/this situation & not once have you said "you're right, this going to change"

To be fair, even if you started off liking coffee, and the first time you said oh I don't think I fancy one right now, you got bullied and sulked at etc... you'd still end up never wanting another fucking coffee

Some questions to consider:

Is sex with him pleasurable for you, OP?

Do you ever climax, or is the best you can hope for that it feels sort of okay, and you feel "connected" to him?

Has sex ever been pleasurable with anyone? You say your desire to keep doing it fades over time in any relationship. Is that because you stop enjoying orgasms, or because you slowly realise the men you're with can't give you orgasms? I ask because if sex is just years and years of one-sided pleasure, combined with the pressure to pretend you're enjoying it, then it's not surprising resentment builds up over time. Of course you stop wanting to repeat the experience. Every time is a waste of your time, and a reminder that he doesn't care about your needs.

In most romantic relationships, where there is real love, sex is something both parties desire. Sex drive might differ, but the desire to be intimate at all is generally present. Forgive me, but it doesn't sound like this is the case for you. The idea of having sex with him repulses you. You desperately wish he would leave you alone, to the point where you've encouraged him to have sex with other women. You don't seem concerned at the impact such a suggestion might have on his feelings, so I'm going to assume that despite all his begging and pleading, you don't feel he actually loves you. Really hard question now: do you honestly think you love him, OP?

It's obvious you don't want to leave him. Why? When you look at your reasons for staying, whatever they are . . . does love factor into it? Do you really want to be in a romantic relationship with this man? It sounds like you'd rather be friends - and maybe not even that. You find him quite irritating, that much is obvious, and he's given you a giant dose of the ick. You don't feel he listens to you or respects your desires. You feel like what you want is secondary to what he wants, and that you have to keep him happy. All that would be very one-sided even for a friendship. What are his good qualities? Does he have any? Is there anything about him that makes you light up inside? When you think about spending the rest of your life with this man, do you feel warm inside, or does it feel like a prison sentence?

Is it that you want to stay, or just that you're afraid to leave? Do kids come into it? Finances? A lack of self-esteem? Fear of being judged by friends and family? It might be worth looking at those obstacles and really questioning if they're as scary and insurmountable as they seem.

Difficult isn't the same as impossible. You might find you're tougher than you think. You might find you're happier without this relationship, even if it means you have to contend with new stresses in other areas of your life. Sometimes happiness comes at a cost - but sometimes staying in your comfort zone does too. And that can be worse.

Best of luck, OP.

I feel so sorry for you, you really shouldn’t have to live like this. You don’t owe anyone sex, least is all someone who is begging you for it.

I’d be telling him to F off and go and have a wank. If he doesn’t like that he’s welcome to leave.

How would men like this “cope” if they found themselves single?! Surely they are better to have sex occasionally with a willing partner than pester for more, risking divorce and a potentially much longer dry spell because they are single?

This.

He really needs it?

OP get out - this is not good for you.

what do you need? Is that ever considered? So is he ever considerate of your needs?