Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Assuming you don't want the marriage to end, have you thought of agreeing to have sex with your dh once a week at a specific date and time e.g. Saturday or Sunday morning. Outside of that, he does not have the expectation and he is not allowed to 'bug' or 'summon' you. That way, you are left alone the rest of the week and only have to stomach that one session. Think of England.

The reason you may well be up for it with someone else is because he treats you like a cum receptacle. If you aren't up for sex, he asks for a BJ.

What does he think he is giving you in all this? He is a selfish man, no wonder you're repulsed.

So, for a woman to want to have sex we need to have a connection, feel safe, our emotional needs met. We cannot feel aroused by someone who needs us to be their carer. Nature thing to stop us fancying our kids. Obviously when you feel like ‘you have to’ have sex in order to ‘meet his needs’ you’re putting yourself in a position of carer. His libido might not dwindle, after all it’s healthy for a human to be horny, but you need to step out of the victim mentality and address the problem. Either deal with your libido and part of that would be educating your partner on how to have your needs met or letting your husband go. Because it is not even fair on your husband to let him carry on like that. He may not realise the extend of the ick that you get. I imagine you never told him all that you’ve written here?

She has already stated she isn't up for it with ANYONE after about 5 years in a relationship. I gather she's speaking from experience.

The husband may be a prat but I think we should take OP at her word when she says sex has a sell-by-date in a relationship for her.

It will also depend on the men too. If she only has experience of men who beg, sulk and pester when she says no then she may not realise that it shouldn't be like that and no wonder she gets completely put off sex.

But she hasn't said that's been her experience. It may be, but it's also just possible that the situation is exactly as OP describes - familiarity breeds contempt as far as her sex drive goes.

Either way, I agree she needs to end it with this one so they can both go off and find what they need. I don't have the impression that's going to happen though.

I would love a husband with a decent sex drive!
Let him go and have sex with someone who wants it, and you will be left in peace and can stay good friends coparenting with him

Have you always felt like this? Have you ever explored why? Could it be hormones or some sort of trauma?

You should not be having sex if it makes you feel like this. Please be honest with your husband, and then hopefully with his support, seek help.

No one needs sex. It isn’t a necessity like food, water, sleep and shelter.

For the marriage to work - you need to be compatible. Right now, you aren’t compatible.

You don’t want it. He does. He’s coercing you into it. Which is abuse btw.

IMHO, I think the marriage is dead. I’m sorry.

Most people would not be into sex if this is how they are treated.
He is abusive, and what he is doing is classed as rape.
I was in a similar situation, and it wasn’t until my friends sat me down and pretty much staged an intervention that I realised how bad it was. Once I was out of it and had some counselling, I could see it much more clearly, the counsellor helped, and told me is was marital rape.
what sort of man wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to, a rapist sadly.
I’m sorry OP :(

Agree. That was a ridiculous post.

Reading this thread as a man made me want to sign up and reply. I hope what I say is kind and thoughtful because I am not a natural writer and I mean you well, OP.

That said I have been appalled by the tenor of many of the replies here.

You married this man. You entered into a relationship where the very vows you take - to love, cherish and adore, to have and to hold - imply a degree of physical intimacy that doesn't exist in other partnerships. Sex is integral to marriage.

Your husband is a man like me and like millions of others. If he is a normal man then sex isn't some optional extra. It is one of the main ways he feels close to you. It is the thing that separates you from other women. It is the thing in his mind that makes you his.

Consider this from his perspective: You love him but you don't really want to touch him. What would you say to a person who said "I love my baby but I cannot bear to pick it up or give it physical affection"? He feels crushed and rejected, I would bet, by the woman he loves.

I have read people here say, outrageously, that he is "coercing" you. I would say that this is a terrible and unjustified attack on him. He is instead being honest: He desires you and he is hurt and upset that you do not desire him in return. You offered an open marriage and he was horrified, you say: Is that the behaviour of a man who just wants sex, or the conduct of a man who specifically wants sex with you? I would say the latter.

Of course he sulks, as you put it. You are hurting him. Because he married you in part because he valued your sexual relationship. He didn't marry you solely because you are friends, or he would have married one of his mates instead. He married you because Sex was integral to the whole deal.

Now later in life (sorry I don't know how old you are) you have altered the deal. You are within your rights to do so.

But.

Doesn't your husband deserve somebody who loves him and actually wants him? And who desires him as much as he desires her? I think he does because I think we all do.

And I think you should either try and do something about your sex drive, or you should be honest with him AND give him the chance to walk away if he wants. He is not being unreasonable here.

(Note: I am NOT saying that every man wants needs or deserves sex twice a week. Or anything like that. Or that it is something women have to offer up. What I am saying is that one partner doing what OP is doing and saying she wishes to take sex off the menu is as destructive to a marriage as almost anything else).

Starting to wonder why you two are married

Sorry but this is 100% wrong mr baffled bloke

In some men, it never dwindles. In some women, it never dwindles. Some people never want much of it in the first place. Everybody is different.

Then he needs to leave not force her into sex which is what he is doing by sulking and behaving badly, grumpy and angry have also been mentioned. He knows and doesn't care that she doesn't want sex. Would you honestly have sex with someone in that situation?

He shouldn’t be pressuring you like that. Summoning you? You’re not a servant. Imagine how you’d feel if someone behaved like this when you were first dating. It makes no difference if you’re married.

Just say no. If he asks you why, say you don’t enjoy it. He can make of that what he will. You obviously don’t fancy him and he’s obviously an awful lover if you feel sick about having sex with him. A sensitive lover would know you’re not wanting to and not enjoying it. Seems like he neither notices nor cares.

I suggest he reads up on consent and being a sex pest, married or not.

OP ''gives in'' and has sex to stop the sulking, begging and pestering. It's the very definition of coercion.

If you love someone and cherish someone, the thought of having sex with them just because they are shutting you up due the constant sulking and begging should be horrifying. Why would you want to have sex with someone if it takes sulking, begging and pleading until they give in and you get your own way?

Why would OP want to have sex with someone who doesn't respect her boundaries and refuses to take no for an answer and pesters and pesters and pesters?

Being a sex pest isn't a turn on.

The fact he has a high sex drive & OP you appear to have a low sex drive becomes an issue for both parties when they are so far apart in this respect.

The fact you are being summoned for sex as if it's his right is what's wrong here. You should never agree to sex you don't want.

As far as when does the male sex drive dwindle there is no definitive answer. Some men & women will be highly sexed well into old age. Some men & women will have a low sex drive when relatively young. The problem arises when the couple concerned are not sexually compatible. If you want the marriage to survive it might be a suggestion to seek counselling from a certified sex therapist.

Meanwhile never feel obliged to have sex you don't wish to have. An understanding husband would respect your wishes & do everything to support you while you feel like this.

I hope what I say is kind and thoughtful

You’ve failed miserably at that pal 👍🏼

I hope the OP doesn’t take any notice of your reply. This thread really isn’t the place for male input.

Honestly it’s fucking scary the amount of men who literally can’t take “no” for an answer. And you seem one of them.

Jesus Christ. Just get him told that sex is no longer part of your relationship. If he wants to sulk, let him. Every time he pesters just say I do not enjoy sex anymore, and repeat it until it gets through his stupid skull.

He’s treating your body like a piece of meat for his pleasure. He’s treating your mental wellbeing with total disregard and disrespect. That’s why you don’t want to have sex with him, because he’s using you. Leave him, before he erodes your self worth altogether.

The 'summon' aspect is chilling.

'beg and beg and beg' is just ick.

It's not just that men want it more and for longer; plenty of women find themselves in relationships with men who'd rather not.

And plenty are distressed and repulsed by feeling pestered.

It does seem like you're fundamentally incompatible.

Are you asexual? As in just not interested? And the early participation was just a temporary part of getting into a new relationship?

Are you going through menopause? Sex can hurt and that's a real off-put.

Is he just rubbish at it?

This unfortunately is one of those situations where two things can be right at the same time.

1.Nobody should be having sex if they don't want to - or coercing/emotionally blackmailing a partner into having sex if they know they don't want to. That goes without saying.

2.But... and it's a big but... sex IS typically part of a happy, loving relationship. And, I hate to say it OP, it doesn't sound much like you particularly like your husband, let alone want to have sex with him! (Reckon 'repulsed' is way more fitting).

So I'd say 'why?' is the real question you need the answer to.