Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

If you don’t want to have sex with him, why are you with him? Do you just want a housemate? A companion?

I do know my DH, it hasn't dwindled.

Then one of you has to make the decision to leave.

There is no other option, unless you go down the open marriage route.

Is the sex that you have mutually pleasurable or is it just about getting his needs met? If he has happily been having sex that is just for his orgasm for years then eventually of course you won’t want it anymore as it’s an invasive ordeal for you. In which case he’ll have brought this on himself.

You do know that most stories in newspaper advice colums are made up, don’t you?

As for internet message boards, you have a very skewed sample. Look at the number of posts that regardless of what a man does who will say “he is abusive” which is a very rare initial response to hear in real life.

The miss matched libido where the man is less is not talked about a lot because it is not common. It makes it worse for the women involved because there are so many fewer women who have dealt with it.

Either the manosphere are out in force on this thread or women have lost their minds. The hostility / victim blaming towards OP for staying in her marriage and putting up with unwanted sex is unreal. Her husband is also choosing to stay in the marriage knowing that he is forcing unwanted sex on his wife. In the equivalent scenario, where the male partner has lost his libido, women do have hard decisions to make about whether to stay, but they are not forcing sex from their husbands. Where one party wants sex and the other doesn’t, then sex is off the table. He will know very well how she feels and is making her do it anyway. She will need to come to terms with that, process it, and learn how to set stronger boundaries to protect herself.

Perhaps some people just like sex and like to have it with the person they are married to? It doesn’t have to be”imply” anything.

I can’t comment on OP’s case as I don’t know either of them, but your statement is too simplistic and close minded.

You need to read the OPs posts. You need two people to consent to a sexual relationship otherwise you're committing a criminal offence.

Wearing someone down with constant nagging and begging is coerced sex.

It's ironic you're telling me that I'm being too simplistic when it's obvious that a woman who cries and feels nauseous at the thought of sex likes sex with the person she's married to.

As for closed minded, I tend to be closed minded over rape.

Not “wrong” just a different opinion.

All these comments are just opinions. Including yours.

Noone here is saying this is a good situation. Noone here has said the husband is in the right. What has been said is that you have to be honest and the OP is not.

There have been a few of these over the last year where a woman has gone off sex completely. She doesn’t actually set that out clearly. Often she has sex very irregularly and when expressing herself about how she feels she says things that give the husband the impression that these are short term loss of interest.

She needs to stop having sex she doesn’t want to have, she needs to be completely honest and say that she finds the very idea of sex with him repulsive and that there is no prospect of this changing in the foreseeable future.

She also needs to accept the marriage may need to end and not intend to blame the husband if that happens, accepting that it may have just run its course.

Lying to people is wrong, having sex you don’t want to is a terrible idea and making the end of relationships worse than they need to be is stupid and particularly horrible especially for children. OP is avoiding taking the decisions that clearly need to be taken in her relationship.

You wanting something to be the legal definition is not the same as it being the legal definition.

You were unable to refute the many earlier points about coercion so perhaps try actually backing up your claims with some evidence.

Sex is not the only difference between married couples and housemates.

Which points about coercion was I unable to refute? I stated what the law was, quoted the relevant section from the law and gave examples from the OPs posts demonstrating that she was being coerced.

Quoting the SOA 2003 is not an argument. You need to show all elements of the crime.

You haven’t even shown that the consent she gives in invalid. You claimed that it was coercion but when Riaanna quoted the only guidance you can find on coercion:
https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship
Examples they give:

• threatening to hurt or kill
• threatening to harm a child
• threatening to reveal or publish private information
• threatening to hurt or physically harming a family pet

then the list they have for reproductive coercion:
“restricting a victim’s access to birth control, refusing to use a birth control method, forced pregnancy, forcing a victim to get an abortion, to undergo in vitro fertilisation (IVF) or other procedure, or denying access to such a procedure”

You ducked this to say any pressure was coercion, which is not a standard with any basis. We all feel pressure at different times so that is not tenable. You have no basis for “any pressure removes free will.” Just your opinion that it should. You have claimed it is harassment but this is not what the OP described it as. It was what you wanted to call it. Begging is not remotely near the legal guidance posted here.

Everyone agrees the behaviour is wrong, but you are claiming it is criminal, which is totally different and requires more justification that “it feel like that to me.”

I ignored that because it's not relating to sexual offences. I quoted the relevant law regarding sexual consent from the Sexual Offences Act which applies here.

I demonstrated from the OPs posts how she did not have freedom to consent due to pressure from her husband. She also spoke of feeling nauseous and very upset at having sex.

You claimed coercion but ignored the only legal guidance available.

You claim people are not free to make choices if they experience any pressure. That is not a legal standard. You have not supported this claim with any law just “I think this so it is the law.” That is not how law works.

Her feeling slick at the idea of something does not mean she did not consent to it. People feel sick at the idea of flying (through fear), yet if they get on the plane they have been free to do so. If you were to suggest that the idea of being left behind by a partner going on holiday created “pressure” therefore they were abducted people would laughed you.

She is able to make the choice, it is the wrong choice but she has made it, freely.

The idea that men aren’t able to tell if their wife / sexual partner is aroused and enjoying sex with them versus submitting to it under pressure is laughable. They know.

Your arrogance is astounding. You are quoting a completely irrelevant law for a sexual offence. You are making claims that are clearly not backed up by the evidence presented.

You are claiming that it's not harassment because - wait for it - the OP didn't say it was.

I explained several times how the OP felt pressured to have sex that she did not want to have. You have not presented any evidence to the contrary. You have not provided any evidence that she does consent.

You are now saying that people feel sick all the time therefore that proves she consents - at least I think that's what you're saying as you're not making much sense.

Pressuring someone into sex takes away that person's choice and is therefore coercion.

Cite another irrelevant law, it's funny watching you chase your tail.

Google 'maintenance sex'. This is an interesting concept.

They know and they don’t care. As long as they get sex.

Tbf, if my husband said that, I’d be upset too.

That said, DH doesn’t pester me for sex, which is lucky as I have quite a low sex drive..

I sympathise OP.

Ive been with my DH for almost 20 years and sex just isn’t a priority anymore. After 20 years of having sex with the same person it all just becomes a bit samey-samey doesn’t it? I have sex because I know it’s very important to my DH but maybe only twice a month, and I only do it for him, not because I’m experiencing sexual urges or desires myself. I know he’d prefer we do it a lot more often but I just can’t muster up the energy or excitement for it.

I love my husband very much and in a 100 different ways he’s absolutely the best husband and best father I could ever want! I would never ever leave him over this, and vice versa, but our mismatched sex drives and our differing attitudes to sex can be a bit of an issue at times.

Well, my long-term relationship (over 35 years now) includes great, loving, enjoyable sex. Mostly simple, enjoyable "vanilla", but on a hotel weekend away can get quite intense. But then we've always enjoyed sex with each other. Have you ever really liked it?

OP still needs to outright tell him she never wants it again.

That's the only way this scenario resolves itself. Honest, open, adult conversation.

So you still haven't found a legal basis.