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Original poster

Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

643 replies

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:38

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 08/04/2025 21:58

It's OK for you not to want sex.
It's OK for him not to want to be in a sexless marriage.
It's not OK for you to feel you have to have sex you don't want.

What have you done to address your non-existent sex drive? Dr appt/hormone tests etc. Have you both had couples counselling to discuss a way forward?

But fundamentally, if you don't want sex, and he doesn't want a sexless marriage, then it's time to go your separate ways.

DearBee · 08/04/2025 21:58

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:52

I don’t know what it is. I just find sex gross in general nowadays I think. Sometimes yeah he also grosses me out with all his noises. I don’t know the in and out makes me feel sick right now to think about. It’s not that he’s particularly bad at it. I think doing it for years when you don’t want to, probably is what’s put me off.

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I think your marriage as it is sounds untenable. You're going through with sex that you don't want, which must be soul-destroying and there's no way he should be pressuring you. On the other hand, it will also be awful for him living in a sexless marriage when that isn't what he wants.

I'm sorry, I don't have any easy solutions to that.

sweetpickle2 · 08/04/2025 21:59

At best, you are not sexually compatible and should split up.

At worst, he is abusing you and you should leave him.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/04/2025 21:59

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:49

He begs and begs and begs. I usually give in. If I am very firm, he sometimes leaves it be, but I have to say no 1 million times.

if I say no a few times, say twice in a row - let’s say then we haven’t done it for a couple of weeks, he gets pissed off. I feel like he is more on edge generally and not happy/ nice to me if we don’t have sex regularly. He’s not an abuser, he’s just frustrated if he doesn’t get it.

Show quote history

He is abusive. Coercion which this is is abusive. Using Coercion to get sex is classed as rape.

He is abusing you

Cosyblankets · 08/04/2025 22:00

If you had a daughter and she came to you for advice on this what would you say?

RentalWoesNotFun · 08/04/2025 22:00

One of the reasons I left my ex.

Menopause kicked in and I couldn’t face doing it just to keep the peace any longer.

My life is more about what I want now. I can go to bed early and don’t have to put out or pretend to be asleep to avoid being pawed. Yeah the nice car is gone but my peace of mind is worth it.

Decide if you want to stay married and if not call it a day.

Original poster
isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:00

mrsm43s · 08/04/2025 21:58

It's OK for you not to want sex.
It's OK for him not to want to be in a sexless marriage.
It's not OK for you to feel you have to have sex you don't want.

What have you done to address your non-existent sex drive? Dr appt/hormone tests etc. Have you both had couples counselling to discuss a way forward?

But fundamentally, if you don't want sex, and he doesn't want a sexless marriage, then it's time to go your separate ways.

He doesn’t want to do counseling.

I don’t think it’s a GP issue.

honestly ? I find it hard to keep wanting sex in long term relationships. It’s nothing to do with hormones I don’t think.

OP posts:
SussexLass87 · 08/04/2025 22:01

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:57

He would accept it, he’d probably not sulk if it was just a one off- if it happened frequently he’d sulk and he’d try and get me to talk about why I’m never up for it etc etc

the fact remains that I don’t want to do something that is part of marriage and he needs it. So what can we really do or say? It needs to happen. I grit my teeth and get through it. But I dread it and I’m so happy when I have my period. Although last period I had he begged and begged and even said he doesn’t believe I have a period and can I give him a BJ but I told him no. But I did have to say it many many times until he left me alone.

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This doesn't sound like he cares about your needs at all.

Waterweight · 08/04/2025 22:02

Moopsie · 08/04/2025 21:49

Have you considered suggesting an open marriage?

Who's gonna want this girl's husband ?
He's a piece of shit that can't function too the point of his wife wanting to hide & cry during what's effectively sex night
oh & he can't leave her because she's dependent on him for marriage & presumably got a couple of kids so financially a massive burden.

But by all means try & set him up with some other poor lady with low self respect. He deserves it

Original poster
isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:02

Cosyblankets · 08/04/2025 22:00

If you had a daughter and she came to you for advice on this what would you say?

I don’t know what I would tell her. We have a family together and a life together. Is the grass greener ? To go through a divorce is a massive thing.

OP posts:
Youcalyptus · 08/04/2025 22:02

She doesn't need to address her nonexistent sex drive! She is with a deeply deeply unsexy man - nobody would want to have sex with the lack of understanding and connection he is displaying.

I bet with a nice open marriage and the chance for a few flirty dates OP might find her mojp gradually returns...

Original poster
isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:04

Youcalyptus · 08/04/2025 22:02

She doesn't need to address her nonexistent sex drive! She is with a deeply deeply unsexy man - nobody would want to have sex with the lack of understanding and connection he is displaying.

I bet with a nice open marriage and the chance for a few flirty dates OP might find her mojp gradually returns...

Well yeah of course it would, with a new person. I know it would but then after 5 years it would just be the same. I wouldn’t want to do it anymore.

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 22:04

mrsm43s · 08/04/2025 21:58

It's OK for you not to want sex.
It's OK for him not to want to be in a sexless marriage.
It's not OK for you to feel you have to have sex you don't want.

What have you done to address your non-existent sex drive? Dr appt/hormone tests etc. Have you both had couples counselling to discuss a way forward?

But fundamentally, if you don't want sex, and he doesn't want a sexless marriage, then it's time to go your separate ways.

Exactly this.

I have the higher sex drive whereas dh would be fine if my vagina sealed shut as long as he got cuddles and general affection. So while
I’m climbing the walls after a few days without his fine. I also do place love with sex without it I feel we might as well be housemates.

I don’t force him into sex though I have made it perfectly clear once a week is my minimum and I’m happy to leave because I won’t be in a sexless marriage. Sickness aside but even then tbh I have my limits.

JLou08 · 08/04/2025 22:04

Your OP and comments are so sad to read, it comes across like you are dealing with trauma from sexual abuse. I know you are married and eventually saying yes but that is because you're being coerced, and that is sexual abuse. Coercion isn't consent. If you really do want to make it work with your DH I think you need some individual therapy and couples therapy. It may be past that point now though and maybe it's best to have individual therapy and end the marriage.

Original poster
isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:04

he has just come in to summon me. ‘ but I’m not going to see you for ages ‘

OP posts:
BeaRightThere · 08/04/2025 22:04

I'm not going to jump towards telling you that this is abuse because I think your language is very hyperbolic here, no doubt because of your strong emotions.

Why don't you want to have sex? Is your relationship otherwise good? You don't seem to like him very much or to understand that he may still love you and be attracted to you and want to have sex within the context of a loving monogamous marriage.

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 22:05

If this is a pattern in all your relationships it does seem to be a you issue regardless of how the man is tbh.

Orangemintcream · 08/04/2025 22:06

Is he aware you don’t want it ever and that you hate it ? Is he aware he is effectively raping you ?

Jollyjoy · 08/04/2025 22:06

Posts like this hurt my heart. I began my sex life as a teen having sex I didn’t really want, and that was just how I saw sex moving forward. It was an act that I gave and men took. It was defined by what they wanted and I just thought that was the story for all women.

I was with a couple of men who pestered like this. Finally when I met my DH who is not like that, I started to understand how fucked up my relationship with sex was. I’m glad you’ve made this post OP, and I hope other women’s words challenge you and heal you. You don’t have to live like this. In another life you could enjoy and desire sex, but this selfish and controlling man has taken that from you. You are more than a body to be used. He has no right to your body or to sex. I think you need to tell him that if he ever pressures you again after you’ve said no, that you are done with it. And follow through.

FinallyHere · 08/04/2025 22:07

To go through a divorce is a massive thing.

To go through the rest of your life being treated as someone's 'wank sock' is no small thing. I'm so so sad for you , that you cannot see any way out of this situation. And that you wouldn't immediately see that a sister, daughter or friend in this situation deserves to be supported to make a new life is very worrying, too

What have you learned about the relative 'power' of men and women, that you think you are trapped because of the "magnitude" of the solution.

How dare he insist on the use of your body for his sexual gratification: how very dare he.

amele · 08/04/2025 22:08

How is op in an abusive marriage!? In a marriage both parties would have sex with one another with consent of course, he isn’t raping her! , it’s not fair on the man to go without and likewise if it was the woman in his position, when ur partner keeps refusing you for sex it’s only normal that you would start to look elsewhere and it will be a problematic marriage. The issue here is the OP, you either have a very low sex drive or none at all, speaking with a professional will help and also speak to ur dh, so he understands but be prepared for him to not accept a sexless marriage.

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 08/04/2025 22:08

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:00

He doesn’t want to do counseling.

I don’t think it’s a GP issue.

honestly ? I find it hard to keep wanting sex in long term relationships. It’s nothing to do with hormones I don’t think.

Show quote history

I can resonate with this.

I used to love sex. We used to have absolutely toe curling sex.

Now I just want to curl up with a book.

I think it’s partly me being menopausal, and partly just wanting a bit of variety.

I need to fall in love again. With DH. Just a hit hard after 25 years.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/04/2025 22:08

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 22:05

If this is a pattern in all your relationships it does seem to be a you issue regardless of how the man is tbh.

Not necessarily. Far too many men see sex as a right and something they do with no thoughts about the woman at all

mrsm43s · 08/04/2025 22:10

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:04

Well yeah of course it would, with a new person. I know it would but then after 5 years it would just be the same. I wouldn’t want to do it anymore.

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Were you honest with your DH about this before marriage? Have you honestly told him that you simply won't want sex with him ever again?

I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage.

It's not OK for you to have sex you don't want, and it's not OK for him to put pressure on.

This marriage is over.

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 22:11

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/04/2025 22:08

Not necessarily. Far too many men see sex as a right and something they do with no thoughts about the woman at all

Show quote history

I mean at that point she’s also picking shitty men repeatedly. Try before you buy. If he won’t put in the effort to please you before you marry he sure as hell won’t once you have.