Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Hang on. The full comments was:
“Hang on a minute...you say you would leave him if he had an affair. But you don't want sex with him.
So you're saying that he can't have sex with you and he also can't have it with anyone else.
That is SO cruel.
And even if you "give in" on occasion, it can hardly be great sex.
Just wait until he finds a warm, earthy affair with someone who wants him - because he will, because this isn't sustainable. Your marriage will be toast.”

Explicitly asking if her position was that she didn’t want sex and didn’t want him to look elsewhere.
That is far from “gleeful” but a perfect opportunity for her to correct the understanding. But nope just the:
“thats his choice then, to leave his family. He has to deal with being the one who did it”

No engaging with the point that had been asked repeatedly. Just looking to blame him.

It has to be

She has not said directly to him that she doesn’t want to have sex ever again and she finds him repulsive.

she has said it isn’t a priority to her. That is completely different messaging.

she absolutely needs to lay all this on the table and make it very clear she finds having sex with him repulsive and absolutely doesn’t want to do it anymore and that if he asks again then she will say no and mean no. He then can make a decision based on this whether he wants to separate or accept these terms.

@Maitri108 So she’s using him. OK.

She has also previously said that she asked about an open marriage but he said no and found it hurtful that she even suggested it.

There's a difference between him knowingly sleeping with other women and going behind her back to do it.

I believe she loves him and wants to stay married to him. Therefore she capitulates to unwanted sex.

To answer your question, with good health on his side, he could be still up for it if once a week in his 90s.

I've read all your posts and you've put yourself in an impossible situation - I don't mean your marriage or your sex life. I mean your refusal to do anything to solve the problem. Obviously no one should have sex they don't want to have. You have no libedo, while not an illness, this is not 'good health'. But you are unwilling to take any steps to address this. You could see your GP to investigate a biological cause. Or a sex councillor (by yourself) to understand why sex begins to repulse you in long term relationships. You could communicate with your DH to work together on finding some of the desire or spark you must have had in the beginning of your relationship, or try new things together. You could be clear with him about his behaviour which repulses you (and rightly so, the nagging and begging and summoning is revolting to read about) and anything he's ever done which you found desirable

Or you can refuse to have sex and your DH will become resentful which will kill your relationship

Or you can continue to have reluctant maintaince sex, which will also kill your relationship over time

Or separate

Or open up your marriage

We've given you all the solutions. You don't want any of them

What you want is for your husband to magically loose his libedo and the pair of you to live like best friends. That's not a realistic option. You can't exist in a loving marriage, hoping and praying for ill health to strike down your DH which is basically what you're asking for here.

What are you going to do?

I don't really understand your reasoning. The OP says that she says no to sex because she doesn't want to have sex. Her husband begs and nags until she gives in.

Isn't saying no direct?

As has come up on threads before throwing out in the heat of an argument “go get it elsewhere” and having a conversation about opening a marriage are massively different things.

If someone had said that in an argument, then three years later you found they has been seeing someone else for a couple of years, I think most people here would consider that cheating.

Her citing this as an example of having suggested this isn’t a serious attempt to address anything, it is an excuse to rule it out while saying that was his choice.

There is saying no in a specific conversation at a particular moment and then there is a wider conversation about their sex life in general of which I am referring to.

he currently thinks she’s just not that up for it but he wants to have sex so he’ll ask another time. She hasn’t had the conversation explicitly where she says Never ask me again as the answer will always be no and btw I find you physically repulsive so I am never going to change my mind.

I know it was in my post above, but I'm going to ask you thus question specifically

Never mind about him having sex therapy. Why haven't you had therapy to understand why sex becomes repulsive to you in otherwise loving long term relationships? That's not usual.

Sure we all go through droughts, because of our health, kids, stress, exhaustion, whatever, but the way you're writing about it, it doesn't seem like that's your problem.

Aren't you curious about yourself? Would you not like to feel differently? Why not reach out for help, for yourself. Not so you can service your husband

Telling someone that they're physically repulsive would probably end a marriage and the OP says that she wants to stay married.

You're not really making sense. If every time you initiated sex with your spouse, they turned you down and you had to keep begging until they gave in - wouldn't you work out that they didn't want to have sex with you?

The OP doesn't approach her husband for sex, is unenthusiastic about sex and needs to be nagged into it. She doesn't come across as a willing participant.

So basically you are advocating she lies to him about how’s she feeling. She hides the truth from him. She lets him feel unattractive and lonely from lack of intimacy and you think this is a great way of keeping their marriage together? I think it’s cruel.

It sounds like her DH wouldn't want that anyway.

Though finding out 3 years later that they've been seeing someone else for a couple of years isn't really an open marriage since it's supposed to be based on honesty, not hiding a relationship.

He's not breaking it, you are by withholding a normal and expected part of marriage

I'm advocating for her to leave him because he's abusive. I think that's cruel.

Yes, because her current plan is to not have sex with her husband and not to allow him to have sex with anyone else either, which is really cruel.

There is literally nothing stopping her.

An affair means going behind OP's back in secret. An open marriage would be very different.

It sounds like her DH wouldn't agree to an open marriage anyway.

She's said several times that she wants to stay married. She doesn't want to leave.

Exactly wants to stay but isn’t being forced.

To answer your original question: his sex drive may never dwindle. There is no age at which this definitely occurs.

You've rejected all the advice you have been given. Your options are a) continue to grit your teeth and have sex to please him b) reinforce the open marriage or sexless marriage options c) try and explore your own disgust at your body and sex. Maybe then you can find some enjoyment in it. He doesn't want to do counselling so you can only look at your side or d) end the marriage

I think you are going to do option a) whatever anyone says. Until you can't take it any more and feel too disgusted with yourself.

Nobody should have to say no a million times. Once should be enough.

has it dawned on you that if he would merrily live a sex free life all would be well?

I think he won't agree to "getting it elsewhere" because she shouted that at him once in an argument. I think if she told him directly that there will never be sex with her ever then he may think his options through more seriously.

Possibly. Though we can't be sure if they've talked about it during the many talks OP has said they've had. She has never gone into details about what those many talks involved.