Page 22 | Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

isitenoughnow · 2025-04-08T20:38:03+00:00

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t. anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week. I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon. I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it. I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage. when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking. I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me. at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore. anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 09/04/2025 18:29

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 17:36

Telling someone that they're physically repulsive would probably end a marriage and the OP says that she wants to stay married.

You're not really making sense. If every time you initiated sex with your spouse, they turned you down and you had to keep begging until they gave in - wouldn't you work out that they didn't want to have sex with you?

The OP doesn't approach her husband for sex, is unenthusiastic about sex and needs to be nagged into it. She doesn't come across as a willing participant.

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Would you want to believe that your spouse never wanted to have sex with you again? Or would you probably just believe that you were in one of those periods where things just don't happen because, reasons.

If DH wants sex and I say no, I mean no for that time. I don't mean no forever. Even if I was to say no every time for a month, it doesn't mean never. If it was to be never, I would have to tell him that I was never going to have sex with him again.

And the same would apply the other way round. If he says no to me, I wouldn't assume it was never again even if it had been a few no's in a row.

And OP isn't refusing every time. She's giving in. So whether she's willing or not, she's set the precedent that when she says no, she doesn't always mean no and a bit of cajoling (begging) will turn it into a yes.

How is any of that a clear message that she's done with sex with him?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 09/04/2025 18:31

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/04/2025 18:28

Possibly. Though we can't be sure if they've talked about it during the many talks OP has said they've had. She has never gone into details about what those many talks involved.

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She has said that she once shouted that at him in frustration and he was offended and took it that she didn't love him. That's the only one she's mentioned and she's mentioned it a couple of times when people have suggested an open marriage.

"Leave me alone and get it elsewhere" is a very different conversation (loose term) to "I don't think I ever want to have sex again, should we consider options for you?".

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 18:34

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 09/04/2025 18:29

Would you want to believe that your spouse never wanted to have sex with you again? Or would you probably just believe that you were in one of those periods where things just don't happen because, reasons.

If DH wants sex and I say no, I mean no for that time. I don't mean no forever. Even if I was to say no every time for a month, it doesn't mean never. If it was to be never, I would have to tell him that I was never going to have sex with him again.

And the same would apply the other way round. If he says no to me, I wouldn't assume it was never again even if it had been a few no's in a row.

And OP isn't refusing every time. She's giving in. So whether she's willing or not, she's set the precedent that when she says no, she doesn't always mean no and a bit of cajoling (begging) will turn it into a yes.

How is any of that a clear message that she's done with sex with him?

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As far as I'm aware she doesn't want to have sex with her husband and has sex under duress.

Like you say she's giving in. Her husband knows she's giving in because he nags her until she does.

You'd really need to address your concerns to her husband as I have no idea why he thinks badgering someone into sex is acceptable.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/04/2025 18:35

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 09/04/2025 18:31

She has said that she once shouted that at him in frustration and he was offended and took it that she didn't love him. That's the only one she's mentioned and she's mentioned it a couple of times when people have suggested an open marriage.

"Leave me alone and get it elsewhere" is a very different conversation (loose term) to "I don't think I ever want to have sex again, should we consider options for you?".

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It's definitely something that should be raised if it hasn't during those talks they've had.

Though I just can't see the marriage lasting no matter how much they both might want it to. Sex isn't something that you can compromise on, especially if you don't want to involve other people.

CantStopMoving · 09/04/2025 18:44

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 18:34

As far as I'm aware she doesn't want to have sex with her husband and has sex under duress.

Like you say she's giving in. Her husband knows she's giving in because he nags her until she does.

You'd really need to address your concerns to her husband as I have no idea why he thinks badgering someone into sex is acceptable.

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they are married. He initiates sex and she says no. How long a period of time is acceptable until he’s allowed to ask again and it not be ‘badgering’?

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 18:50

CantStopMoving · 09/04/2025 18:44

they are married. He initiates sex and she says no. How long a period of time is acceptable until he’s allowed to ask again and it not be ‘badgering’?

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You really need to read the OPs posts. She says that he won't accept no and begs until she gives in.

It's not about him initiating sex and being turned down, it's about him badgering her until she gives in.

CantStopMoving · 09/04/2025 18:54

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 18:50

You really need to read the OPs posts. She says that he won't accept no and begs until she gives in.

It's not about him initiating sex and being turned down, it's about him badgering her until she gives in.

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And All she has to do is say ‘No, and I mean no now and no every time you ask me going forwards’ . If you ask me again I will be initiating separation proceedings tomorrow. I don’t want to have sex anymore with you and I find it repulsive. I do not want to continue having an intimate relationship with you. Either you accept that or you leave.

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 18:56

CantStopMoving · 09/04/2025 18:54

And All she has to do is say ‘No, and I mean no now and no every time you ask me going forwards’ . If you ask me again I will be initiating separation proceedings tomorrow. I don’t want to have sex anymore with you and I find it repulsive. I do not want to continue having an intimate relationship with you. Either you accept that or you leave.

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I'm sure she'll be pleased to know.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 18:57

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 18:56

I'm sure she'll be pleased to know.

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You’ve been asked this in different ways multiple times but manage to avoid answering every single time.

kkloo · 09/04/2025 19:34

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:22

This is going to be an unpopular opinion and I’m going to get slated - but I married this man. Marriage means something to both of us. You don’t just throw it away and give up. We have a family together, young children. Why put them through that ? I don’t have the answer but I definitely will not leave him. He can leave me if he wants to. But I will not be the one to break it apart. I’m doing what I can to keep us together by doing something I don’t really want to do, because I know it’s important to him and for me to keep my family together.

we had a long conversation last night and he knows how I feel. Sex is just not a priority for me. Many other things are important but not sex. It’s important to him. I told him the begging and pleading and bad moods need to stop. I told him to give me space for me to come to him and that at the moment, once a week is too much and can he just back the fuck off and take no for an answer.

anyway, for better or for worse. This is just the worse part- neither of us want to give up on our marriage.

yes I know I know, I’m terrible - weak- deluded - my marriage is over etc.

I just have a different opinion to you. Love is a choice, marriage is something you are in, for better or for worse and I’m not happy to just throw away the life we’ve built. Not yet, anyway.

What makes you think having that talk is going to make any difference? You said he already knew all of this stuff?

kkloo · 09/04/2025 19:41

Some of the replies here are absolutely horrifying.

If your daughter came to you with the same dilemma I'm sure you wouldn't say some of this stuff to her or would you ask stupid questions asking 'but why don't you want sex' completely ignoring the obvious answer that it would be impossible to actually sexually desire her husband when he's behaving this way towards her.

He's essentially told her time and time again knowing that she doesn't want sex that he wants to stick his penis inside her body anyway, and then he does so. Then he's just done that knowing she didn't want it, and she knows he knows she didn't want that. It should be fairly obvious to everyone that that's not exactly an environment and dynamic that is conducive to her regaining any kind of sexual desire for that man.

peachgreen · 09/04/2025 19:47

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:32

Is that the only point ? I thought someone would have some other suggestions, other than divorce.

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But what other suggestions could there possibly be? He’s not willing to go without sex. You’re not happy to have sex – and therefore shouldn’t be having it. He doesn’t want to have an open marriage. Divorce is the only option left on the table.

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 20:17

kkloo · 09/04/2025 19:41

Some of the replies here are absolutely horrifying.

If your daughter came to you with the same dilemma I'm sure you wouldn't say some of this stuff to her or would you ask stupid questions asking 'but why don't you want sex' completely ignoring the obvious answer that it would be impossible to actually sexually desire her husband when he's behaving this way towards her.

He's essentially told her time and time again knowing that she doesn't want sex that he wants to stick his penis inside her body anyway, and then he does so. Then he's just done that knowing she didn't want it, and she knows he knows she didn't want that. It should be fairly obvious to everyone that that's not exactly an environment and dynamic that is conducive to her regaining any kind of sexual desire for that man.

I'd tell her to end the marriage and be happy. Not argue with her DH about their differences in their sex life. Not burden my Grandchildren with unhappy parents. Tell her and her DH to find people they are happy with.

Also tell her she is not the most important person in the world.

Butchyrestingface · 09/04/2025 20:19

I just have a different opinion to you. Love is a choice, marriage is something you are in, for better or for worse and I’m not happy to just throw away the life we’ve built. Not yet, anyway.

Then accept that you're both going to be desperately unhappy for the foreseeable future. His sex drive may NEVER dwindle, and certainly not down to a level which matches yours - eg, nil. So he will probably just proceed to keep on badgering you for sex until one day he leaves.

Sounds like a miserable existence for the pair of you but one you obviously see as preferable to the alternative.

kkloo · 09/04/2025 20:21

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 20:17

I'd tell her to end the marriage and be happy. Not argue with her DH about their differences in their sex life. Not burden my Grandchildren with unhappy parents. Tell her and her DH to find people they are happy with.

Also tell her she is not the most important person in the world.

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I'd agree about ending the marriage.
But if your daughter came to you with this dilemma you'd tell her she's not the most important person in the world?

Would that apply to all dilemmas or just this particular one? Would your daughter confiding in you about a problem make you think that she thought she was the most important person in the world and that she needed to be told she wasn't?

Completely bizarre.

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 20:40

kkloo · 09/04/2025 20:21

I'd agree about ending the marriage.
But if your daughter came to you with this dilemma you'd tell her she's not the most important person in the world?

Would that apply to all dilemmas or just this particular one? Would your daughter confiding in you about a problem make you think that she thought she was the most important person in the world and that she needed to be told she wasn't?

Completely bizarre.

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I dont have a Daughter. In this situation I would say her children were more important than her. I have a Son and would tell him to leave her.

I don't think the OP should carry on the marriage. She wants it on her terms.

Original poster

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 20:43

Bullshit. I don’t ‘ want it on my terms ‘ I know I need to have sex with my husband, which is why I do it. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do.

OP posts:

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 20:45

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 20:43

Bullshit. I don’t ‘ want it on my terms ‘ I know I need to have sex with my husband, which is why I do it. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do.

So just tell him you find him disgusting. Let him decide. Have you got a job?

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 20:46

kkloo · 09/04/2025 19:41

Some of the replies here are absolutely horrifying.

If your daughter came to you with the same dilemma I'm sure you wouldn't say some of this stuff to her or would you ask stupid questions asking 'but why don't you want sex' completely ignoring the obvious answer that it would be impossible to actually sexually desire her husband when he's behaving this way towards her.

He's essentially told her time and time again knowing that she doesn't want sex that he wants to stick his penis inside her body anyway, and then he does so. Then he's just done that knowing she didn't want it, and she knows he knows she didn't want that. It should be fairly obvious to everyone that that's not exactly an environment and dynamic that is conducive to her regaining any kind of sexual desire for that man.

This is your spin. The OP hasn't described anything akin to this (ie that he's behaving in the sort of coarse manner you've attributed).

He's initiating, in what the OP has described as an increasingly desperate way, intimacy with his wife. He's doing that because she's been trying to avoid sex without actually telling him she's avoiding sex. The poor bastard is living in eternal hope. Her hope is that she can avoid telling him she wants a sexless marriage by way of a series of fantasy scenarios, ranging from his desire one day suddenly vanishing to him being involved in a car accident.

I think the OP's aim with the thread was that we'd be able to suggest some better fantasy scenarios she could pray for... Frostbite? A snappy dog? Acme dynamite?
Erectile dysfunction would've been the ideal outcome here I'd think, were it not for the pesky blue pills 🍆🙄😠

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 20:47

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Riaanna · 09/04/2025 20:53

kkloo · 09/04/2025 19:41

Some of the replies here are absolutely horrifying.

If your daughter came to you with the same dilemma I'm sure you wouldn't say some of this stuff to her or would you ask stupid questions asking 'but why don't you want sex' completely ignoring the obvious answer that it would be impossible to actually sexually desire her husband when he's behaving this way towards her.

He's essentially told her time and time again knowing that she doesn't want sex that he wants to stick his penis inside her body anyway, and then he does so. Then he's just done that knowing she didn't want it, and she knows he knows she didn't want that. It should be fairly obvious to everyone that that's not exactly an environment and dynamic that is conducive to her regaining any kind of sexual desire for that man.

I would tell her to leave. The end. He makes her feel sick. Both of them deserve better.

SergeantDawkins · 09/04/2025 20:53

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 20:43

Bullshit. I don’t ‘ want it on my terms ‘ I know I need to have sex with my husband, which is why I do it. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do.

You don’t need to

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 20:54

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 20:43

Bullshit. I don’t ‘ want it on my terms ‘ I know I need to have sex with my husband, which is why I do it. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do.

I can’t imagine being stuck in a relationship where I find my partner repulsive, I would need to leave

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 09/04/2025 20:55

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 20:43

Bullshit. I don’t ‘ want it on my terms ‘ I know I need to have sex with my husband, which is why I do it. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do.

You don't need to do anything. It's not part of any contract you sign when you get married that you must do this by law.

You need to really think this through properly. No one needs to have sex with a person if they don't want to.

Caerulea · 09/04/2025 20:56

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What on earth kind of response is this? I'm dumbstruck anyone would be so flippant about something so traumatic in any context. I've no idea if OP feels this is what's happening to her but sure as hell there are women here who have been in that situation.

Truly awful, awful thing to type out & post on a women's forum.