Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Absolutely I agree with both you and @SouthLondonMum22 that no one should be begging and pestering another person for sex. And their marriage sounds unsustainable without some serious work. I think his behaviour around sex is awful. I think the OP is unwilling to take good advice. Have a read of my previous posts on this thread

But I was answering your point about him not being able to abstain if that was a hypothetical requirement of the OPs hypothetical therapy.

If his intent was absusive, then I agree with you that he wouldn't be supportive of such a requirement.
If his intent was due to his own insecurity, he may be able to be fully supportive.

We don't know what sort of a man he is, that was my only point

You don’t ‘need’ to do anything you don’t want to do. Marriage isn’t just about a man getting his dick wet. Or maybe that’s all it is for some people? How sad.

OP do you have any idea why you have a pattern of becoming repulsed by sex 5 years into a relationship?

Is it a lack of the newness and excitement?
Is it self sabotage? Do you not feel worthy of a happy and fulfilling relationship?
Something else?

At the 5 year point are you completely devoid of any sexuality, or just towards your long-term partner?

It’s really simple. You have one of a few options: stay as you are and be unhappy; tell him no and stay married and he can either get used to corn and walking or be unhappy; or you split up. Anything else is just hand wringing.

I assume option one isn’t a goer otherwise you wouldn’t have posted so present him with the other two options. We stay together and don’t have sex, or we split up. Your decision. End of discussion.

What would Mumsnet say if he was having a sly wank with some dirty pictures? He'd be a dirty animal then??

You are making him leave.

I'd say that's a much better option short term than pestering and begging for sex but it isn't going to work long term.

Does it? My DH is in his 40s and I wouldn't say his has decreased yet

OP, you don't need to have sex with your husband, especially not the way he has been treating you. It would be nearly impossible for any woman to feel attraction to a man who treats her like a living sex-doll.

However, even if you do want it on your terms, would that be so bad? He has been forcing sex on his terms for how long now? Furthermore, a woman risks a lot more having sex with a man. Due to our biology, we are far more at risk of STD's and other infections when we have intercourse and we are the only ones who risk pregnancy. Biology isn't fair, but a loving man can do a lot to make up for that, such as having sex on his female partner's terms.

Only options I can think of
A) Continue as normal giving in to his sexual demands. Probably grinding you down as the years go on
B) Only have sex with him when you want to. If it's never then it's never. See what happens
C) Somewhere in the middle - so decreasing it from every week to every month, every other month, etc. Agreeing on an allocated day maybe. Agreeing on no begging, no pestering and no sulking
D) Professional help no couples counselling/ therapy
E) Divorce

It can’t be that great a decrease in their 30s if only 1 in 20 are reporting low libido in their mid 40s.

”The desire for sex – your libido – tends to lessen with age in men. A 2019 study of more than 12,000 45-year-old men found that about 1 in 20 reported low sexual desire, or low libido.”

Source: www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/loss-of-libido-in-men

And having sex is about more than getting a dick wet 🙄

The only option is to have an honest direct chat with him. Weird that you haven’t included that.

Just end the marriage honestly

Try 60, amazing & thankfully mutual. People speak as if older men (&women)have little or no sex drive. I'm sure it's the case for some men,especially if they become obese,drink,smoke & let themselves go. A fit healthy man can be as virile as they were when first married. Menopausal women can lose interest due to hormonal issues although there are women whose sex drive increases with age & thats without HRT.

Sex drive for both men & women shouldn't be assumed to wear off for everyone after a certain age. That's the type of belief only those who have lost the desire like to assume to help them feel it happens to everyone. It doesn't. The OP asking when will her husbands sex drive start to decrease is a hypothetical question as it may never happen. She would be as well to accept the idea that if she wants the marriage to survive professional help is required. This rather than believe her husband will gradually have little or no desire for sex & intimacy.

That would be outcome C) or B). Unless she has a chat and he doesn't give a shit and still wants option A)

They have also had the chat. So he knows her feelings on the matter. And he just keeps pestering and begging and sulking for sex. So hence the 5 options a) give in to him all the time b) only have sex when she wants c) occasionally give him d) go to couples therapy e) divorce

Neither B or C is that. Not even close.

At no point has she posted here that she has sat him down and told that she never ever wants to have sex with him again. She’s not said anything remotely close to that.

Those are reported numbers.

People don't report things that aren't an issue.

My libido has been low for most of my 30s and it hasn't been reported, because it's not an issue.

I don't know your DH, but it's possible that it was higher when he was younger. It's at its highest in teens and early 20s.

The methodology of the survey didn’t rely on men on simply reporting low libido if they thought it was an issue.

Methodology:

Data was collected between April 2014–April 2016 within the German Male Sex-Study. Participants were asked to fill out questionnaires about 6 sociodemographic, 5 lifestyle, and 8 psychosocial factors, as well as 6 comorbidities and 4 factors of sexual behavior. Simple and multiple logistic regressions were used to assess potential explanatory factors.

I can't see the study. Only an article, so it's not clear to me what's defined as "low libido."

I would be very surprised if it's only 1 in 20 men. It seems to be a common narrative that men want sex less and less as they get older. There's definitely a sharp decline in the 30s.

As you keep saying, yet you haven’t revealed your sources.

The source for the German study is linked to in the article:

The Journal of Sexual Medicine: “Factors Associated with Low Sexual Desire in 45-Year-Old Men: Findings from the German Male Sex-Study.”

@User1253S367484 As you keep saying, yet you haven’t revealed your sources.

Read the relationships board on mumsnet, or the relationships articles on the Guardian. Countless anecdotes of men not wanting to have sex as much as their partners might like them to. The weird thing is that no one ever talks about this.