Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

@isitenoughnow Have you spoken to anyone about it (counsellor or therapist)? I think it would be worth it.

Does he give you the Ick OP? Is it something in particular that you don't find attractive? Or is it that 5yrs in and you feel 'done' with sex with anyone?

We can all get a little bored and want to have the desire of a fresh/new relationship. It's exciting getting to know someone new.

You don’t need to have sex with your husband at all.

It isn’t a necessity.

If he is wants it and you don’t then you both need to communicate like adults and end the marriage amicably.

Please don’t bring your children up to believe that women should provide sex to their husbands when they don’t want to do it. Christ alive. If you take anything away from this thread then please realise this!

So seek medical or psychological help to improve your life. Sex is there to be enjoyed, you're missing out on an important part of life.

I don't care about your husband's needs being catered to, he's not the one here asking for help. You are. You deserve to enjoy sex. With him, or someone else, or yourself.

She hasn't described anything akin to that? She has very much described that and it's crystal clear. He knows she doesn't want it and begs and begs and begs. She has said that he knows and that they've talked about it many times. She even suggested an open marriage out of desperation that he would 'leave her alone'. She has quite clearly said multiple times that he knows how she feels.

And you're trying to make out that it's just my spin on it?

For that to help her in any way or to even have any chance of working she'd need the freedom to take sex off the table completely, probably for a considerable amount of time, which doesn't seem like it would be possible with this man.

You see I don’t understand that bit.
been with with Dh 30 odd years.
still want sex with him.
he’s lovely, very good at it and always makes me feel very loved and respected.

Heck 10 year on and doing ok.

It must take a strong man to accept a no enjoyment of sex marriage OP. As previously mentioned I don't agree with the way your husband is dealing with this by expecting you to have sex when you don't want it. At the same time if you have no desire to be mutually intimate with him ie actually enjoy sex which is all about intimacy, I dont know how a marriage can survive. I always thought this was an integral part of marriage & love made it enjoyable & natural unless both parties were not interested.There doesn't appear to be illness or physical disability. In that case as others have suggested a trip to the GP or counselling, or both is definitely in order. I wish you all the best with this serious marital issue.

I would tell my daughter to leave instead of digging her heels in if she is sure she doesn’t want sex to be a part of her life.

Waiting to force the other party’s hand because you don’t want to be the bad guy but you also don’t want to take any action towards a healthy sex life is an impossible solution.

https://www.bpc.org.uk/information-support/find-a-therapist-or-clinic/

But in that case, I honestly don’t understand what exactly you expected from posting?

You don’t want sex but you have it just enough to keep the marriage going. You also don’t want to leave because you want to put the burden of leaving on him. You don’t seem interested in working towards recovering your libido.

Then, realistically, what do you envision for your future?

Gosh people make it sound so easy to leave don’t they. Maybe he’s a good father and you like spending time with him, he’s kind and funny, your families are intertwined, you perhaps have an entirely shared group of friends, you are financially reliant on each other and would have to adapt to a much lower standard of living if you separated….

I can easily imagine how it seem worth ten minutes a week of unwanted sex to keep a life you’re otherwise happy with.

I don’t have the answers, OP. Just here to say I don’t think you’re awful and weak-willed for wanting to stay. And I bet a big chunk of those saying they’d leave wouldn’t either.

What would be a helpful response OP? I'm wondering what you'd like from this thread, how can we all help you?

I expect she just wanted to vent and perhaps find reassurance that she’s not alone from those in similar circumstances

Realistically no-one is posting on MN for permission to leave their husband

@LoztWorld of course she’s not looking for permission, but she also doesn’t seem to be considering any active solutions, which then just leaving everything as is.

If it’s just to vent it’s okay as well sure, it just didn’t seem that was the case.

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That's your interpretation of her husband based on what the OP has said about him, which is vague and only about his behaviour when trying to initiate sex.

But she clearly doesn't want to leave him, so you never know he might be a decent bloke. The behaviour you (and many other posters) interpret as abusive/indifferent to her feelings could instead be insecurity and neediness. Also not ideal behaviour, but in that case he may be capable and desirable of supporting his wife as she looks for help

If we were to hear her husband's point of view it could be

My wife has broken me, I feel so pathetic, sometimes I beg her to be intimate with me. I don't know what to do. She rejects me, she won't talk to me. I love her so much and want us to connect physically. When we do have sex it's like she's absent. I feel worse afterwards than before. I don't know how to make her happy. She says sex isn't important to her anymore. I feel so worthless. What can we do, I don't want to leave her or get sex elsewhere. I worry she doesn't love me anymore.

As the OP seems to be getting annoyed at everyone’s advice, and there are many different things people are saying that she might do, I’m starting to think that what she is actually wanting is to keep the marriage and find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Pretty much the only post she seems to have not poo-pooed is one quoting a book that says that it is women rather than men who need more sexual partners to truly gain satisfaction.

A fair few people on here have slightly misunderstood what she’s said about her views on sex: she has not said she no longer has any sexual desire, she’s only ever said that she no longer wants to have sex with her husband and that he repulses her.

There is no indication whatsoever that she no longer whats a sex life. Only not with him. Indeed, she’s both repeated the fact that she has previously lost sexual attraction with partners after some years and she’s also said she ‘believes that’ to a post suggesting women have a stronger desire for multiple sexual partners than men do.

I was very much sympathetic with the poster early on in a post I made earlier (while also highlighting that she cannot expect her partner to have a sexless marriage if he doesn’t want that, and therefore something has to change or the relationship needs to end).

But I’m starting to think that really what the OP wants is to keep her marriage but somehow find a way to remove sex from it, while at the same time getting some sort of ok from this group to find her own satisfaction elsewhere.

Yes. I don’t agree he’s necessarily abusive. He may be grumpy when she refuses sex not because he’s trying to guilt her into having it, but because he feels crap about how obvious it is she doesn’t want him.

Obviously his approach is not helping matters. But we don’t really know enough to leap straight to abuse, coercion etc.

Of course it’s coercion.

@isitenoughnow this is a really, really tough read.

If he posted that on here, he'd be told that no matter how he feels, he can't beg or pester for sex and that she is likely absent during sex because she is feeling pressured to have sex. He'd also likely be advised to leave her despite him saying he doesn't want to just like OP has.

Even if he is insecure, desperate, feels worthless etc he can't beg and pester for sex.

It doesn't sound in any way vague.

His POV very much could be like that, it still doesn't make sexual coercion ok, it's much worse than 'not ideal behaviour'.

Equally his POV could be that he feels very entitled and all the times he makes out he feels unloved could be manipulation.

You could say the same about lots of abusive/controlling behaviour though, they're only doing it because they're anxious about losing the person or don't feel loved etc and they think that their behaviour is ok because they feel like they love the person so it's ok because they're just trying to show love or keep their partner.

Intention doesn't really matter, the effect is still the same.

If there's one man actively trying to coerce knowing full well what he's doing and there's another man doing it out of desperation thinking it's fine because he loves his partner then the impact on the woman is likely to be the same.

Sex drive in men decreases greatly in their 30s.